The Walls of Dreaming
by Her Mighty Ubergeekness
Summary: Several years after Edward leaves her, Bella is an adrenaline junkie that crosses paths with the Cullen family during her University studies. Her world is turned upside down with the new dangers she faces. Who will save her now?
1. Chapter One: Freefall  Restless  Unaware

Summary:

Edward left Bella in a misguided attempt to save her. Several years later Bella is an adrenaline junkie that crosses paths with the Cullen family during her University studies. Her world is turned upside down with the potential of Edward's return and danger that threatens to end it all. Will Edward have to save her, or will she manage to save herself?

Author's Notes:

1) The story starts approximately three years after the day Edward left Bella in the woods. It assumes Alice never saw Bella jump the cliff, and subsequently there was no impetus for the whole suicide-by-Volturi incident.

2) The James incident didn't happen quite the way you think it did. (You'll understand; it's in the story.)

3) This story is written in the first-person point of view, and sometimes switches between characters by scene or chapter. (Please do not panic; I do not repeat each scene from various points of view.) I do not label my chapters with character names, subsequently, your key is thus: Chapter titles that are short & succinct are Bella's, long witticisms are Esme's; song titles are in quotes, belonging to Edward, and Rose's are questions, finished off with an interrobang (‽).

Chapter Notes:

Much love to cookEgawd and Blackjacklily for their betatasticness, and ProjectTeamBeta for even more Beta awesomesauce.

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><p>Disclaimer: All recognizable characters, settings and other miscellaneous stuff belong to Stephenie Meyer. Original characters and plot are owned by Her Mighty Ubergeekness. HMUHer Mighty Ubergeekness is in no way associated with smeyer, and no copyright infringement is intended.

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><p><strong>Freefall.<strong>

I yanked on my rigging and my wingsuit one final time, then nodded once towards my like-minded companions. We stood at the edge of the bridge, 1000 feet up from water and land. I took a second to settle my mind. It was then that I saw him; the vision was clear and crisp, and only became even more vivid in the moments that followed. I wondered why my memory was only capable of perfect recall when it came to conjuring his face.

_Bella!_ He called to me.

His voice was filled with fear and alarm. Paradoxically, the more fear I heard in his voice, the more it soothed me.

I admit that I reveled in seeing him and all that came with the vision; I was filled with warmth, serenity, elation, and a twinge of desperation to feel his touch again. Then I allowed myself a second to wallow in the second set of emotions that came on the heel of those before—the hurt, the abandonment, the pain of betrayal and my bitterness over it all. I let the flood come and overwhelm me, then I looked down one last time.

"Fuck you, Edward," I whispered. Then I jumped.

**Restless.**

That moment of seeing Edward's face was what I used to live for, but the seconds after were truly precious on their own. The inundation of emotion was always followed by half a minute of sheer... nothingness: a complete lack of pain punctuated by pure adrenaline, mental silence, and clarity. I knew I would pay for these moments of oscillating sentiment later if I found myself in my room alone, but for now the clarity is what I bathed in. I used my sight only to determine when I should open my chute. The rest of me took in the feeling of the fall against the wind and registered the fear of not knowing when I would land. The French have a name for the need to do these types of things; they call it _l'appel du vide_, or the call of the void. I was now deep into the void, and while in it, there was nothing but the force of the atmosphere against my form and the darkness. It was peace.

When I and my two fellow jumpers arrived at the bottom of the Royal Gorge, other fellow adrenaline junkies were there waiting to assist us with gathering our packs and getting us the hell out of dodge before the authorities showed up. I never thought felonious deeds would be a common occurrence for me, but hey, lots of things had changed since he left.

B.A.S.E. jumping and rock climbing had become my activities of choice in the years that I referred to as "After Edward." I knew that might seem silly, but compartmentalizing time that way seemed to have made it easier to forget the parts that it hurt to dwell on. I did eventually realize that my random, haphazard attempts to see and hear Edward had escalated to sheer recklessness, and they were likely to get me killed if I didn't stop sooner rather than later.

After a near-fatal adventure with a cliff dive on the Quileute reservation, I had decided to complete two last death-defying types of feats and let those be my last. Unexpectedly, they kind of stuck. Scaling hundreds of feet of rock and alternately launching myself off hundreds of feet of said rock turned out to be the closest thing I could find to a truly useful therapy session. Best of all, it gave me a controlled opportunity to both see Edward and completely forget about him, albeit for an extremely short period of time. Nonetheless, I found that the thirty seconds of clarity I got from my jumps often helped me make important decisions and they became one of the reasons for my fragmentary return to the world of the living.

It had been just over three years since that day he left me wandering in the woods after him, pleading for him not to leave me. Standing in front of a mirror in my dorm room at Carnegie Mellon University, I took in my appearance. Anyone that had known me for any length of time would admit that I look much the same now as I did then; I had rounded out a bit in a general sense, but underneath my new subtle curves was sinew and muscle from regular rock climbing. This firmness softened a bit during the school year since I could only make it out to climb on the weekends, but either way, the net result was that I still generally looked like the same Bella. My face had changed a bit, though, even I had to admit that. I lost a little of the youth in my cheeks and jawline, and in its place was a mild hardness that I couldn't get rid of, no matter how much I tried to alter it by willing it away when I looked at myself in the mirror. My face told the story of a girl that had been wizened by a hard hurt. I learned to consider it my war paint and wore it like a badge of honor. In spite of it all, I was coming up on my twenty-first birthday and I still managed to look like I was eighteen. I wondered how long my arrested aging would last.

I finished checking myself out in the mirror, picked up my backpack, and headed out to the main area of campus. I was anxious to get into the comfort of a rhythm. Once I fell into my school year routine, it settled like concrete; I rarely ever wavered. I talked to my best friend, Jacob, a few times a week, wrote my mom emails twice weekly, and made my customary fifteen minute phone call to my dad every week. Beyond that, my workload and my newfound tendency towards complete introversion kept me singularly focused on my studies. This also paid off financially; my performance in my design coursework helped me land a campus job as the lead teaching assistant for first and second year design classes. Adding teaching and tutoring to my list gave me a full plate. Besides that I ate and slept in my much coveted single dorm room in a converted mansion called Mudge House on the edge of campus. Halfway through my freshman year I was re-assigned into the one-bed dorm room I now adored. There weren't any downsides to this by any means; it meant I didn't have to deal with any obnoxious roommates, and I only had to share my bathroom with the adjoined double that comprised our suite.

The best part of the whole situation was that I had done surprisingly well in my major; my singular focus on my studies resulted in an overloaded schedule for two years straight, so my junior year would also be my last year. I was scheduled to graduate in the spring; it looked like I was really going to make it through the college experience, and I was surprised I had managed to stay focused long enough to do so.

All of this carrying on brings me back to where I wanted to start this story: the first week of classes in my junior year of college. It had only been a week since my jump off the Royal Gorge Bridge in Cañon City, Colorado, and I was already starting to see symptoms of withdrawal. I was also worn out from travel; Colorado was the halfway point in my trip from Forks to school in Pittsburgh, and now that classes had begun, my professors were piling work on quickly. I knew I would really have to focus to pull it together for my first Teaching Assistant session for Design Studio I. My job had somehow morphed within the last two years. It started as it was described on the campus job listings: assisting the professors by making copies and grading papers. By the second semester of my sophomore year, it turned into my running a pseudo-class for an hour each Tuesday and Thursday where I was tasked to help freshmen with their assignments and answer their questions. I was told that my responsibilities were quadrupled simply because I was good at it. I admit that I did get great feedback from the students, but I still think it was more so because I didn't complain about the slave wages they gave me. I was happiest when I was so busy I didn't have time to think, and I had every reason to expect that all my responsibilities this semester would leave me blissfully numb.

**Unaware.**

On my way to my Studio Q&A session I heard a strident voice call my name.

"Hey, Isa, hold up!"

I reluctantly turned around, and found a tall, sandy haired male staring at me. Kevin was a senior I had met two years back when he was a professor's assistant for one of my freshman year physics classes. Although he had always been polite to me, I had endured two years of turning down his advances. His persistence vaguely reminded me of Mike Newton from high school. I handled guys who approached me much differently now than I did back then. Where I once deftly evaded invitations and suggestions, now I usually replied with a flat,"No," or "I'm sorry, but I don't date...and no, I don't make exceptions." Kevin was the only recipient of my frankness who stuck around, convinced that someday I would change my mind. I frequently reminded him to the contrary, but it was no use. As nice as he was, I had always thought he just couldn't understand why I didn't fawn over his pectorals like other girls did. I wouldn't bother telling him that as someone who had spent years in close proximity of the boys in the wolf pack I was accustomed to far more impressive, regularly half-naked examples of the male physique.

When I turned around, he began to walk over to me. For a split second something just beyond him caught my attention. There was a woman with her red hair piled up into a loose, messy bun on top of her head, quickly disappearing into the West Wing building. I could have sworn she was looking right at me when I first noticed her. I squinted to get a clearer view of her, but my focus was broken when Kevin tapped me on the shoulder.

"Oh, hey, Kev, good to see you."

"You too! How was your summer?"

"Same old, same old. Hey, I'd love to catch up, but I'm gonna be late—I have to TA 51-102. We'll talk soon?"

"Yeah, that'd be great. I'll email you. I want to talk to you about helping me design a piece of lab equipment I need."

"Oh. Alright, I'll look for your mail. Bye, Kev."

"Seeya, Isa!"

I groaned in response to my discomfort. Since the second I noticed the woman with the red hair, I felt a headache coming on. This wasn't abnormal. Every time I saw a redheaded female I felt a pang of fear in my gut and my anxiety level spiked. It was an instantaneous migraine. I was almost used to it by now. Adding to my dread was the fact that I was scheduled to use a classroom in Margaret Morrison Hall, which had high ceilings and long, gaping halls. Every sound made in the lovingly nicknamed "Maggie-Mo" that wasn't behind a tightly shut lecture hall door reverberated in a way that I knew would kill me if I didn't find something to take for my throbbing head.

I probably forgot to mention that I had changed my byname. It was something that just kind of happened my freshman year. Some orientation counselor yanked me up to my feet and asked me what my name was in the middle of a huge crowd of new students during this cheesy icebreaker exercise, and for whatever reason I told them my name was Isa. It was a spur of the moment kind of thing, but I stuck with it. My subconscious must have known what it was doing, because it ended up making life easier in a lot of ways. It enabled me to keep most of what had happened to me before I started college shoved away in a tight little corner of my brain and not dwell on it. Well, I didn't dwell on it most of the time, anyway. Of course Charlie and Renée still called me Bells, and when Jacob found out I was going by a new moniker now, he just laughed and said, "Yeah, alright Bella, whatever you say." That was pretty much the end of the conversation as far as he was concerned.

Somehow I managed to get myself back in the game by the time students came pouring in at five o'clock. I concentrated on the fact that I really was good at what I did. I knew the material better than any other undergrad at the school, and students found it easy to talk to me and understand concepts as I presented them. I had learned to let these facts bolster my confidence since I had learned a year before that my only other options were to cower in fear or run from the thirty to fourty students that were due to pile into the room in minutes.

Thankfully, my first class session went smoothly. I was able to give the impression of an animated, fully functional human being, I answered everyone's questions succinctly, nobody walked out early, and nobody fell asleep. All in all, I thought it had gone well.

As students began to exit the class I warned them about what the design professors would expect, yelling so that the students halfway out the door would be able to hear.

"Don't forget, I promise you they're going to expect you all to be able to discuss the nature of the relationship between MATERIAL CHOICE AND ASSEMBLY METHOD! BE PREPARED!"

Since students were already leaving the room, the doors were open. I heard my voice reverberate and I cringed. I turned and sighed, dropping my facade and releasing the tension from my shoulders. I grabbed my papers and stuffed them into my bag, then I spun back around to make my way out of the room. I froze. The woman stood at the top of the left stair, blocking my most expedient way out of the room. Lovely as ever, she wore a pencil skirt and billowing blouse, and carried a briefcase in her right hand. When I met her gaze she gently dropped the briefcase onto the floor.

"Bella?"

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><p><strong>I don't like to post notes at the end of a chapter, and probably won't from here on out, but I'd like to ask you to *please* leave me a little review, and if you have a twitter account, leave me your username and I'll give you a shout-out. I'll send chapter teasers for all reviewers! Thanks so much!<strong>


	2. Chapter Two: Lost Limb  Secret Society

Reminder: This story is written in the first-person point of view, and sometimes switches between characters by scene or chapter. (Please do not panic; I do not repeat each scene from various points of view.) I do not label my chapters with character names. Subsequently, your key is thus: Chapter titles that are short & succinct are Bella's, long witticisms are Esme's; song titles are in quotes, belonging to Edward, and Rose's are questions, finished off with an interrobang (‽).

Chapter Notes:

Much love to cookEgawd and Blackjacklily for their betatasticness along with ProjectTeamBeta and Munkee Rajah for even more Beta awesomesauce.

Please **review**. Follow me if you wish - ubergeekness on Twitter.

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><p><strong>Chapter Two:<strong>

**I've Found My Lost Limb, or, What Happens When You Find the Missing Link**

When her gaze fixed on me, her face went blank. I struggled to find something useful to say, but even with all my increased synapses, I couldn't think past my elation. I felt a glow just knowing she was here, she was alive, and I was looking at her. She was _here_, in the same place as I! There was a chance! Dear God, there was a chance at fixing all of this, and the girl that was to be my youngest _daughter_ was _standing in front of me_. Then I got a hold of myself enough to truly focus on her face again. She had dropped her backpack back onto the table she stood in front of, and that was when her face began to register expressions. It quickly became clear that her feelings about me were mixed, at best. After another second, I could barely keep up with the various emotions that flashed across her face. Disbelief. Pain. Anger. These gave way to longing. Hope. For a fraction of a second I thought I saw the culmination of these. I did not have my son Jasper's ability to sense emotion, but I did not have to in order to see a fractured person in front of me. Functioning, but fractured. The last of her expressions were anger and, perhaps, regret. She still had not spoken aloud. I was desperate to save the moment, but I did not know what to say to get her to acknowledge me or to keep her from running.

I gasped. "Bella ... I heard your voice as I was walking down the hall. I didn't even really believe it would be you. Bella, I've missed you so, so much."

I poured every bit of desperation I could into that last statement. It was so important that she see my honesty. Everything might have depended on her being able to feel my sincerity just then. She spoke so softly that if I were still human I would not have been able to hear what she said.

"Esme."

But with hearing my name I could see the corners of her mouth had turned upward. It was the faintest of smiles, and I could see her try to hide it at the last moment, but she couldn't. It was a smile, and it meant some part of her was happy to see me. With that she turned and hastily walked up the opposite stair and out of the room as quickly as her legs could walk.

-

**Avoiding the Secret Society of the Omniscient and Obstinate**

"Mom? What's wrong?" Alice walked toward me with concern on her face. When she approached, I hugged her and adjusted her necklace so that the solitary pearl on the delicate chain lay centered in the hollow at the base of her neck.

As I drove home that evening, I considered keeping the whole event to myself for tonight, even if just to get a chance to really consider the ramifications of whom I had found, as well as what I had done by revealing myself. It had not occurred to me that I might not have that option without lying, and I refused to lie to my family. I wondered what expression was on my face that gave me away.

"It's been an interesting day, Mellita. I'll tell you what happened, but I think I need a little while to process it first. In the meantime, I need to catch up on how everyone's first week is going. Have you talked to Edward? How is he doing?"

Alice sighed. "I ran into him after my last class. He, well, looks about as miserable as always, but he's trying his best to stay cooperative. He was complaining about how he wouldn't get to study under anyone truly talented until at least his junior year."

I tried to put on my brightest smile. "Well, complaining is better than crawling under a rock, so I'll take it. Where is everyone?"

Alice read off the laundry list. "Jazz has had to deal with a lot of nervous freshman energy, so he's outside camped out under a tree enjoying the emotional quiet. Carlisle called and said he'd be home a little late, Edward has a late music theory class, and I haven't a clue where Em is, but Rose is upstairs working on some doodad for a class." Her head tilted and she pursed her lips. "So, uh, when are you going to tell me what's going on?"

I reached out for her hand and squeezed it gently. "Soon," I said. I kissed her cheek as she frowned. Then I walked up to the bedroom I shared with Carlisle and lay on the bed. It had just occurred to me that I really needed to put more thought into this. While Edward had spent a lot of time away, he did not necessarily come back any wiser when it came to the topic of Bella. He was still stubbornly sticking to his plan, which, once boiled down to its essence, amounted to "Let's stick our heads in the sand and hope Bella will be better off for it." I had come to the conclusion that if anything was going to be done to try to restore my family's former happiness, I would have to be the one to do it.

Precious few of my family knew that whatever physical distress they felt, I felt. Perhaps not to the same extent as what they themselves were feeling, but it was certainly amplified beyond standard empathy. Not only did I hate seeing my family unhappy, I hated the effect their unhappiness had on me. It isn't quite the same as what Jasper experienced; I considered it the difference between feeling and emotion. One time Emmett was reckless during one of his sparring matches with Jasper and actually broke his ring finger off. Jasper felt his frustration from having been bested in the fight, and the flash of anger that followed his pain. I felt the slightly muted sensation of my finger being pulled away from the rest of my body. Jasper got the emotion, I got the actual pain. I couldn't wear my wedding ring for nearly a week. I had never told anyone besides Carlisle about having to deal with this phenomenon. Edward knew from being able to read my mind, though he never made me discuss it, and I had no plans to volunteer the information to anyone else. I knew they already felt guilty over Jasper having to deal with their every emotional crisis; they might have jumped off bridges if they ever found out they had been putting me in various states of physical turmoil for the past three years.

My thoughts turned back towards the situation at hand. While I did not have a plan in place, I knew that no matter what I came up with, there were two factors that would likely ruin any potential positive outcome if I didn't neutralize them. One was Rosalie, and the other was my oldest child. As much as I truly and deeply loved him, I had to admit that Edward always had a nasty habit of self-sabotage combined with the unholy mix of an extremely stubborn streak and a dash of self-righteousness. It meant he never listened to reason before the situation was critical, and while his telepathy caused its fair share of problems, Edward himself was usually the primary cause for his difficulties in this life.

He was going to be a problem I would have to put more thought into. For now, however, I could throw a hint Rosalie's way and maybe make things a little easier for myself in the short term. I arose and walked towards the room she and Emmett shared. She opened the door as I approached.

"Hi, come on in. I'm just working on an assignment," Rosalie said.

"Actually, Rose, I was hoping that you had some time so we could take a little walk."

Her eyebrows arched both at the request and at the use of her nickname, which I rarely used, because I had always thought that her full given name was so beautiful.

Still curious, she looked at me intently. "Ooooooookay."

As we walked out of the house, I could swear Alice was doing all she could not to grab me and beg me to tell her what was going on. I ignored it as best I could. I felt some things needed to be cleared up with Rosalie first, and I thought I would get a better result if I got her alone. I started out at a jog, and when we had gotten a reasonable distance away, I started to slow and motioned for her to do the same.

"What's up, Mother?"

"I wanted to talk to you before I speak with the rest of the family."

Rosalie's interest piqued. "Oh? About?"

"About Bella."

Her demeanor chilled. "Oh."

I normally had all the patience in the world for my children, and I had a special place in my heart for Rosalie, but this was urgent, important, and I was just about out of all the patience I could muster under my current stressors. "Rosalie, listen!"

The tenor of my voice surprised her. Once I had her curious again, I continued. "I know how you feel about Bella. I get it, you know I really do. I also get—"

I struggled to find a way to tell her she needed to stop acting like a git and cooperate with me without my having to spend two hours explaining why it was important that she accept Bella as part of the family ... but I decided that was probably a conversation best left for a different day.

"I also get that you and her are due for a long tête-á-tête—"

Rosalie nearly shouted and her temper flared. "A conversation that will never happen! She's out of the picture, so why are we even talking about this? The sooner everyone gets the hell over Bella, the better!"

I took a second to breath, then took a little more time to force myself to be pleasant and calm. I recited _I love all my children, I love all my children, I love all my children_ in my head several times. After I calmed, I spoke deliberately and carefully. Given how unnecessary it was for us to speak so slowly, I hoped she would get the point. "Rosalie, I don't want to upset you, but I need you to understand; Bella is not completely out of the picture. Whether you or anyone else likes it or not, she is Edward's mate, even if Edward refuses to accept it. All of that, however, is beside the point. What I need to make sure you understand is that this family—_our family_, has been splintered since we left her. There's no denying that. Edward will never be happy without her, and most of us miss her, Rose. I just want our family to be whole. There may be a chance at that ... there just might. Would you deny Edward what could be his last chance to find for himself what you have with Emmett? What we all have with our mates? I'm not even asking you to help. I'm just ... only asking you not to ... " I was starting to become overwhelmed with an amalgam of feelings. There had been very few times since my newborn years that I could remember feeling so flustered, so governed by emotion. "Look, I'm just saying that when it comes to Bella ... " Once I gave up thinking about it, the rest came out in a rush, " ... if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all, okay?"

Rosalie blinked. Then she blinked again. That was followed shortly thereafter by a snort and peals of laughter. My mouth formed a small, annoyed frown. She just laughed more. "Mother, I'm sure you'll forgive me, because you know that I think you're probably the wisest of us all, but I'm used to hearing you say such profound, sage things, but that ..." She giggled. "... was not ..." She gasped for enough air to support her fit of laughter. " ...one of them."

I was still stuffing down my annoyance. That was when I decided that I would definitely have a better chance with Bella if I approached her on my own before bringing the family back into this. I would have to keep this secret for at least another day. I suspected that a day for me felt more like an hour for someone who had not lived for over a hundred years, but this might have been the longest day ever. Straight-faced, I sighed before I looked at Rosalie and told her, "Look, I'll explain everything later. Just remember what I said, yes?"

She nodded, and I hugged her. We headed back to the house, but I arrived only to find Alice waiting expectantly, hoping to find out what was going on. I needed to say something to get her off my back, though I had no clue what would work.

"Dear, I need you to be patient with me here."

She leaned towards me with pleading in her eyes, "But ROSE knows!"

She couldn't have acted more like a five year old if she had stamped her foot along with her exclamation. I fought myself not to laugh. "No, she doesn't, actually. I promise I'll tell you as soon as I can."

"There is something major going on, isn't there! Is it good? Is it bad? Come on, Mommy, pleeeeeeeeease! I can't see anything and it's killing me!"

I raised an eyebrow at her cheap ploy. She knew she would have a better chance getting me to spill the beans when she called me "mommy." It wasn't going to work this time. Though to be honest, it normally would have helped her cause a little.

"Give me until tomorrow. If you can manage that, I promise you will be the first to know."

"Mellita," my endearment for Alice, was a Latin word that loosely translated to "sweetness," "honey," or more accurately, "sweetened with honey." I felt it appropriately summed up her disposition as well as her standard outlook on life.

Her eyes narrowed at me and she put her tiny hands on her hips. "You promise you'll tell me as soon as possible?" Alice had grown so dependent upon her sight that not knowing what was going on with any of us drove her crazy. She didn't have Edward nearby at the moment to coax any insight out of, and given that I was bothered by an event that had already happened, there was nothing yet for her to see that might give me away. The combination of this was really threatening her ego.

"I promise."

She nodded and stalked off into the living room. Now that she was focused on the mystery, I knew that I would have to be careful not to decide on or think too hard about how I was going to approach Bella next. Alice would probably see something and get everyone riled up about it. Having a pathokinetic, a telepath and a precognate all in the same place amounted to a staggering amount of near-omniscience. Although normally none of my children intentionally invaded each other's privacy, most of the time it just couldn't be helped. We quickly found there were two different ways of dealing with it; you could try to be secretive and live life in a constant and weary state of subterfuge, or you could just be as open as possible and 'let it all hang out," so to speak. The first took more effort than it was worth, so for the most part all of us opted for the second long ago. Having chosen the open route, I was rather rusty on how to use any methods of guile or cunning to keep this under Edward's or Alice's radar. I would have to take my chances.

Later that night I decided I would look up her campus email address and write her. For the moment I thought it best to leave the address line blank, hoping that would be enough for Alice not to notice. It took me two hours to write all 10 lines since I was constantly editing myself in order to produce the most welcoming, warm, pressure-free and non-threatening message possible: 

Bella,

I was so happy to see you earlier. I miss you so much! I know I took you by surprise today, and I apologize for that; it was truly unintentional. I just had to know if it was really you that I heard. It is a long story, but I found myself getting a bit restless around the house, so I applied for a guest lecturer position in the School of Architecture, and that is the short version of why I ran into you. I would love to know how you got here and how you are doing. I will not contact you again if you tell me that is what you want, but I sincerely hope you will at least stop by and say hello. I have not yet told any of the family that I have seen you, since my utmost concern is your privacy and well-being, but please think about coming to talk to me. Whenever you find some time, I can normally be found hiding in my broom closet they call an office in Margaret Morrison Hall, room 310A.

With all my love,

Esme

I heard Edward enter the house shortly after I hit the save button for the email, and I felt myself get a little panicky. I did not have a lot of time to reestablish a relationship with Bella before things would get complicated again. Since Edward was in the Music department, I work in Architecture, and Bella was obviously in Design, it meant we were all circulating around the same two adjacent buildings on campus for much of our schedules, and my luck would have to run out eventually. One of them would spot the other soon, and at least one of them would completely overreact. In a hurry to get the whole subject off of my mind, I hit the send button and tried to focus on the fact that Edward was at least back home with us, and Carlisle would be home from work at any minute. Regarding Bella, I knew that once I had some distance from my son I would just have to pray, and pray hard; if there was a God and we vampires were still in his favor, maybe the deity would find me fit to grant me just a day or two to get her to talk to me.

_Just one more day please_, I thought, _before all hell breaks loose_.


	3. Chapter Three: Exposure Happenstance

Summary:

Edward left Bella in a misguided attempt to save her. Several years later Bella is an adrenaline junkie that crosses paths with the Cullen family during her University studies. Her world is turned upside down with the potential of Edward's return and danger that threatens to end it all. Will Edward have to save her, or will she manage to save herself?

Author's Notes:

1) The story starts approximately three years after the day Edward left Bella in the woods. It assumes Alice never saw Bella jump the cliff, and subsequently there was no impetus for the whole suicide-by-Volturi incident.

2) The James incident didn't happen quite the way you think it did. (You'll understand; it's in the story.)

3) This story is written in the first-person point of view, and sometimes switches between characters by scene or chapter. (Please do not panic; I do not repeat each scene from various points of view.) I do not label my chapters with character names, subsequently, your key is thus: Chapter titles that are short & succinct are Bella's, long witticisms are Esme's; song titles are in quotes, belonging to Edward, and Rose's are questions, finished off with an interrobang (‽).

Chapter Notes:

Much love to my support systems cookEgawd & Blackjacklily, and to Munkee Rajah & Detochkina for beta and pre-reading awesomeness.

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><p><strong>Exposure<strong>

By the time ten o'clock had rolled around, I had completely convinced myself that all I saw the day before had been an illusion. It wasn't hard, considering I had seen Edward in my head for nearly three years now, and I was in the midst of another splitting headache when "the incident" in MaggieMo occurred. I spent another hour or so making guesses as to why my hallucination was of Esme rather than Edward, but given that I had three lectures tomorrow, I figured I had to let it go for the moment in order to get some rest. I would contemplate the issue more at a later date.

I sat down to check my email before bed, knowing that I needed to reply to a few messages received earlier in the day. Since I didn't want to miss out on an upcoming climbing trip, I figured that I better take a minute to respond now, before it got buried in my inbox with a hundred other mails. When I loaded my mail client, there was only one new message in my inbox that hadn't been filtered into one of my sundry folders. My mind wouldn't allow me to believe I was hallucinating; I was awake, calm and staring at a computer screen. Nothing in my brain's arsenal of dysfunction would allow me to ignore that I was starting at an email from Esme Cullen.

Whatever hopes I may have had of getting a partial night's sleep had vanished into the ether. Questions started to ricochet around my brain so quickly my headache worsened into a migraine.

_She was real. She was real, and earlier today she stood in front of me in a lecture hall, of all places. What does this mean? Are they all here? Why are they here? Here, of all places. _

The more questions I came up with, the more agitated I became. I had just gotten to the point where I felt stable, and had come to accept that this was the best state I could hope for. It had taken me a year to force myself to become functional again. Since then I had found myself a place where I felt somewhat safe; I had carved myself out a place, found a routine, and damn it, I was _functional_.

I used to think I would have been better off if I could have at least stayed in contact with Alice. I used to write her emails daily, even though I knew they would bounce and she'd never get them. I wrote them anyway, because I was determined not to lose my grasp on reality. It was still hard for me to fathom that they had all just disappeared. He had vanished, and everything in his world went with him. It's hard for the brain to really grasp the concept of something blinking out of existence like that, especially when that something was _everything_ to me. At this point, I didn't think I could deal with being around them, knowing _he _would be here and that he wanted nothing to do with me.

The more I dwelled, the closer I came to absolute rage.

_I can't go through this again. Why are they _here_? _

Along with that last thought came a throbbing that shifted my attention from the heat of anger to the pain in my head as I doubled over in front of my computer, my forehead barely avoiding hitting the edge of my desk. The thought was simple; it felt painful and true as I said it aloud.

"They're invading my goddamned sanctuary."

**Happenstance.**

I woke up a couple hours later, shivering and curled into a ball on the floor, a bit nonplussed at finding that having a royal fit could induce sleep. Beyond the residual ache in my head, my mind was blank. It took me a few minutes to recall that this all had happened because of an email, and it was quite a while later that I decided to get up and re-read the email that started the turmoil in my skull. This time I focused on every single word, and I actually gleaned some useful information.

_They didn't come here for _me_; they didn't even know I was here. She's teaching here. So they are all here, and they plan on staying. But are they all on this campus? There are at least six collegiate institutions within a five mile radius in this part of Pittsburgh; what are my chances of avoiding them if I wanted to? Do I truly want to avoid them? She wants to see me, but do I want to see her? _

My thoughts didn't stray from that last question for most of the early morning. I stumbled across campus and sat, dazed, through three classes, not having paid a single lick of attention to anything my professors had to say. The whole time I struggled to make a decision on whether I would go see her. After my last class of the day, I shuffled my feet so that I would stay behind the mass exodus of students leaving the building. Once most of the crowd had dispersed, I slowly made my way to the doors of Doherty Hall. Instead of exiting, I peeked out of the glass door panel, trying to take a look in all directions.

"Isa, you okay?" I heard in my ear. I jumped and snapped around to see who was standing behind me.

"AGH! Calliope, if you do that to me ever again I swear I will unleash a wrath upon you the likes of which ... "

Her hazel eyes glinted, and two bright patches of pale pink spread across the smooth surface of her sand-colored skin as she took in my momentary panic. It was comforting to know someone that blushed as often and as obviously as I did.

"Whoops," she said, "I didn't mean to scare you. Really, I didn't. I just didn't want to be loud, 'cuz you look like you're hiding from someone."

I looked at her with confusion for a minute, wondering what I had revealed for her to have come to that conclusion.

_Am I hiding? And am I that transparent? _

"Ah. No, I just—I've just had a long day. I should take a nap or something." I tried to hide the weariness from my voice, but I was certain it seeped through.

"Well, you need to eat first. Wanna go get some grub at Dave & Andy's?"

"Callie, ice cream is not dinner, and I can't, anyway. I still have one more meeting to go. Enjoy a white-chocolate brownie double scoop for me, though." I tried to smile through my anxiety.

"Are you sure? I mean, we can go somewhere else. As long as I save some room for ice cream as a dessert, I'll be fine. And I can wait until after your meeting if you need me to."

"No, no, it's fine. I don't know how long my meeting will go. I'll grab pizza or something afterwards."

She looked uncertain, but she knew by now how unmovable I could be.

"Cool beans, then. I'll see you in class next week."

I rarely accepted invitations to hang out, but I was glad she'd asked. It made me feel like I was still a part of the living.

Once she left, I looked out of the Doherty doors again, and sighed. It had just occurred to me that I was looking to see if the coast was clear of Cullens. I shuttered my eyes, sighed, and opened them again. I had my answer. I would rather go see her now and get it over with than sneak across campus for the rest of the year in constant fear that I was going to run into her. I stepped out of the doors and looked left, in the direction of my dorm. Then I looked straight ahead, in the direction of the building Esme's office was in. I took one more step. Then I walked forward.

It was late in the afternoon when I walked into her building. There weren't many students walking around, but given that it was Friday, I wasn't surprised that this part of campus was a ghost town. For a second I thought she might not even be here and wondered if I would have to deal with my anxiety over the whole weekend. I almost convinced myself that it wasn't worth this agonizing. I told myself to stop, turn around and leave. I was almost convinced I should do just that when I could no longer deny that I heard typing coming from the end of the corridor; I pushed my legs toward the sound. When I got to the last door, I heard the soft clicking stop. Hesitantly, I knocked.

The door opened before my second rap and there stood Esme, looking at me intensely. Her expression was one of amazement, like she was looking at the sun for the first time, and I wasn't at all sure what to make of it.


	4. Chapter Four: Resolve

Summary:

Edward left Bella in a misguided attempt to save her. Several years later Bella is an adrenaline junkie that crosses paths with the Cullen family during her University studies. Her world is turned upside down with the potential of Edward's return and danger that threatens to end it all. Will Edward have to save her, or will she manage to save herself?

Author's Notes:

1) The story starts approximately three years after the day Edward left Bella in the woods. It assumes Alice never saw Bella jump the cliff, and subsequently there was no impetus for the whole suicide-by-Volturi incident.

2) The James incident didn't happen quite the way you think it did. (You'll understand; it's in the story.)

3) This story is written in the first-person point of view, and sometimes switches between characters by scene or chapter. (Please do not panic; I do not repeat each scene from various points of view.) I do not label my chapters with character names, subsequently, your key is thus: Chapter titles that are short & succinct are Bella's, long witticisms are Esme's; song titles are in quotes, belonging to Edward, and Rose's are questions, finished off with an interrobang (‽).

Chapter Notes:

Much love to my support systems cookEgawd & Blackjacklily, and to Munkee Rajah & Detochkina for beta and pre-reading awesomeness.

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><p><strong>Resolve.<strong>

"Bellllla!"

Her arms tilted up as if she was going to hug me, but she hesitated, stepped back, and waved me into the small room. I was grateful for her hesitancy. I wasn't sure how I would react to being touched_. _Iwalked in anyway and allowed her to close the door behind me. There was barely enough room for us both to stand, but we managed. The finagling needed to close the door resulted in me positioned behind her, so I turned to face her, wanting desperately to see her face again to confirm that she really was in front of me.

My memories of all of the Cullens were images of faces frozen in time. The only exceptions were my talking, moving hallucinations of Edward. Between these frozen pictures and the vampiric tendency towards unnatural stillness, all of my mental pictures of them called statues to mind. This made it particularly difficult to reconcile what I saw in front of me, which I could swear was a barely distinguishable, rippling tension throughout Esme's stance. Her soft smile and downcast eyes evoked wistfulness and made me feel welcomed.

Before I had a moment to think about it further, she grabbed me and drew me into a tight hug. I stood rigid at first, but soon my body betrayed my mind. I would say I hugged her back, but it wasn't like that. It wasn't like that at all. I grabbed onto her as if she were a life preserver saving me from drowning. Before I could reel myself in and cut off this nonsense, my whole body began to shake. It wasn't until several minutes later that I realized I was soaking her cardigan with my violent sobs. I tried to release myself, but she only held me tighter, matching my tearful release with her own dry weeping.

"Oh, Bella ... Bella, if you only knew. I'm so, so sorry. So sorry."

I think she repeated her apology six or seven times. I wasn't sure; I lost count since I was trying to focus on controlling my tattle-tale emotional breakdown. My attempts to choke off my tears were pointless though; I couldn't stop, and I didn't until I was dry. There was something about her embrace that, for me, felt like _home_. It was so much of what I was missing, a lot of what I just knew I would never find again. It was comfort. It was healing. It was even warmth, in spite of her cold skin, and now every connection I'd had with every member of the family was all fresh in my memory, with no way to deny it again.

I was flooded with self-pity when it finally came back to me that I wasn't in Forks, and it wasn't three years earlier. I was in Pittsburgh, and things were different. Everything was different. One of those differences had no chance of being resolved, and I knew that there was nothing Esme or I could do about it. It made my heart ache, and my head hurt. From somewhere I found more water to make tears, because I bawled for several minutes more.

She finally let me go and I plopped down, hoping that the chair I remembered seeing a minute ago was still somewhere in the general proximity of my rear. Trying to rein in my embarrassment, I grabbed blindly at the white spot in my vision, assuming it was a tissue Esme was trying to hand me. I wiped without speaking, hoping that she would say something, because I, for the life of me, couldn't manage to utter a word. Thankfully, she obliged.

"Bella ... I don't exactly know where to begin. I suppose I can start by telling you how happy I am you decided to come see me. I can only imagine how you feel about any of us at this point."

After I blew my nose violently, she grasped my one tissue-free hand and held it tightly. "I..."

After my sad display, I didn't feel like I had much left in the way of secrets, so I decided to just say whatever came to mind. I hadn't really had an opportunity to talk about how I felt to anyone. It was too painful, and I only could have talked to Jacob about it, anyway. I never got the feeling that would be a good idea, considering how livid he got when the subject of vampires came up.

I looked for an eloquent way to summarize how I'd felt over the past few years, but I couldn't come up with anything that didn't sound simple and stupid.

"I just hurt, Esme, through and through. All the time. I don't even know how else to describe it. I loved you all; I loved you all ... and you were just ... gone."

She flinched at my past tense use of "love."

"I guess now I don't know how I could have expected any different." I paused to make sure what I meant would come out the right way. "Look, he never told me whether you all left just because he stopped loving me, or whether the timing was just coincidence because you'd been in Forks so long, but heis your son, and I know your first priority would be to support him. I get that, I do. I understand that you had your reasons. But how was I supposed to feel, having ended up as your collateral damage?"

I sniffed again and blew my nose. I shrunk inside myself a little when I noticed that Esme was just staring at me.

"Bella, dear, you just said he 'stopped loving you.' What are you talking about? I—I don't understand."

I noticed that she ignored my rhetorical question, but I wasn't going to push her, so I let it go and decided the easiest way to answer her would be to tell her what he said to me on that day in the woods. As much as it stung to even think about it, I said it aloud, certain that I had managed to repeat it verbatim.

"He said that?"

"Every word."

I didn't understand why she was looking at me that way. She had to have had some idea of what happened. At least, I'd always assumed she did. Her mouth had tightened into a straight line, telling me that maybe that wasn't the case after all.

"Well then. I don't think I should speak for Edward today, Bella. I'm hoping he'll get the opportunity to ... straighten this out himself, directly. But I promise you that you do not know all you need to know about that conversation, and that you and he most certainly need to have a very, very long talk. For both your sakes. As far as our leaving, I'm sure you don't see it the same way we did, but we left because it was decided that would be safest for you. After the incident with Jasper—"

"I never blamed Jasper! He didn't hurt me!"

She sighed. "I know, dear, I know. But he could have. Think of it from our perspective at the time. James may not have killed you, but he did get close enough to hurt you. Some of us suspected that at some point his mate would come after you, so there had already been discussions on how to protect you from her. We were still contemplating that when the birthday incident happened." She sighed again. "So, the prevailing school of thought held that with us gone, you would be out of danger."

I felt the anger building inside of me again. I wasn't sure what to respond with first. They left to keep me _out _of danger? Surely that must not be what I had heard. I had lived my life in fear, and thrown myself purposefully in the way of danger to forget my pain the other half of the time since they'd gone, and they left because they were trying to protect _me_?

I knew that Edward felt guilt over Jasper's loss of control, but I had never believed that it was the primary reason behind why he left. It couldn't have been. That would have been colossally presumptive, not to mention absurdly ironic.

My discontent must have shown on my face because Esme held my hand a little tighter.

"Bella? Are you okay?"

What came next spilled out, almost involuntarily. "No, not really. It's hard to hear that I haven't heard a peep from any of you because you wanted to keep me out of danger, considering I've spent years now sleeping with one eye open because danger is always around the corner. Every year I feel like I'm slipping further; I'm losing a little bit of my sanity. I'm only safe at school!"

I tried to calm down, but failed. "Even here, where I feel the slightest sense of security, I'm still usually half terrified; they gave me a single dorm room my freshman year because my night terrors were keeping my roommate awake at night ... When I'm in Forks, Victoria stalks me constantly. The only thing that has kept me alive is that she doesn't know where my destination is when I get on a plane to come to school, and when I'm in Forks I and Charlie are constantly guarded by the pack ... I'm—"

Esme's voice was clear and loud, like an orchestral bell on stage in an empty theater. "Victoria does _what? _You are being guarded by _whom_?"

I realized then that I'd slipped up, but then it occurred to me that, based on Jacob's stories and the tribal legends, Esme should already know about the pack.

"Victoria has been looking for a way to get at me since you left. Laurent came after me, but the Quileute wolves managed to kill him about a second before I became his personal Slurpee. She hasn't found a way through their lines yet, but she keeps trying. When I'm in Forks I try to pass most of my time on the reservation so they don't have to spend so much effort trying to protect me. And, Esme, uh, you're, uh, crushing my hand."

She loosened her grip. "Oh! I'm sorry." She exhaled. "I'm so, so sorry dear. Go ahead."

She nodded to encourage me to keep talking. I was pretty sure that the second apology wasn't referring to the damage of my hand. I decided to continue, but I couldn't talk much more about what happened when I slept, and I wasn't going to get into the details of the emotional turmoil their abandonment had caused. I wasn't sure anything could get me to talk about just how much it ate at me.

"I don't really have too much more to say about it. Let's just say it's been difficult. All that aside, though, I have to ask—did it occur to any of you to ask me how I felt about my safety before vanishing on me?"

Esme hesitated. She started, but then quieted again. On her third attempt, she finally found what she settled on saying. "In no way can I deny that how we went about things was wrong. It was clouded judgement, and even though it was done out of consideration and love, it was nonetheless very, very misguided and inappropriate. I certainly do not expect my apology to suffice; at the very least you deserve to hear it from every member of the family, but I need to be the first to say it. Again, I'm sorry, Bella. So very sorry we left like that—without explaining. Without saying goodbye."

I wasn't sure how to feel about her admission. I had never expected to have this conversation, let alone get an apology and sympathy for my point of view. The torrent of mixed emotions I'd been feeling since the night before became more overwhelming the longer the conversation went on. I may have received acknowledgement from Esme, but it didn't tell me anything about what was supposed to happen from that point on. I had questions, though, and I had enough to last several days, if needed. As much as I tried to grasp at confidence, I was failing; I could only manage to emit my next inquiry as a whisper.

"Why are you all here?"

Esme let my hand go and gently pushed another tissue toward me.

"Since we left, things have been a bit rough, Bella. Plenty rough, actually." Her voice drifted off. "Alice and Jasper left to visit another vegetarian coven in Denali for a while, and most of the rest of us moved to New York State. Well, everyone except Edward. He left in an attempt to track Victoria. I suppose you know how well that has worked out. He's been gone the whole time, in fact. He only just returned to us a few weeks ago. Everything has been ... strained. Alice—she loves you so much, Bella. I would say she has been downright depressed, and you know that means a negative feedback loop when it comes to Jasper, and ..." she paused. " ... like I said, we've all been strained. And I've missed you. I am not by any stretch of the imagination comparing what I have been through to what you have gone through, but things haven't been great for any of us since we left Forks. I've sat back and watched everyone become more miserable. I recently decided I couldn't stand it anymore."

Uncomfortable with hearing any of this, I shifted in my chair.

"The only reason why we're here is because it's my latest effort to bring some sort of normalcy back to our lives. The usual things weren't working; I was in the middle of renovating some lakefront properties in upstate New York until I realized that none of it was bringing me any happiness."

She looked away when she spoke this time. "Some of us were starting to lose touch with our humanity. So I begged Edward to come back, and I informed everyone that we were leaving; everyone would have to go to university and try something new. I kind of ... put my foot down, so to speak. Pittsburgh's as good a place as any. It's almost as overcast here as on the Olympic peninsula, just less rainy."

"So you decided to teach?"

"For a while, at least. Being a guest lecturer is kind of like indentured servitude, but I enjoy being able to share what I love." She smiled at me. "I also have a knack for being able to get my hands on documents and blueprints that aren't available to anyone else, and a lot of people in the department find that to be fascinating." She winked.

I tensed, bracing myself for the answer to the question I didn't want to ask but could no longer avoid. "Is everyone else here at CMU?"

"Everyone except for Emmett and Carlisle. Jasper is studying Computer Science; it's been getting increasingly difficult to cover our tracks these days, so he thought the knowledge would help, and he may even be able to find his way into some ... resourceful digital communities, so to speak. Alice decided to get another business degree; there are apparently quite a bit of new concepts in the finance sector she has no knowledge of, and as you know, we depend on her visions and knowledge of the market to keep us comfortable. Rosalie really thinks she's going to enjoy getting a formal education in Mechanical Engineering, and I was able to convince ... well ... " She looked a little ashamed. "I browbeat Edward into coming back. Music was about the only thing he thought he could tolerate, so he's here in the Fine Arts department."

I was certain she heard the sharp breath I took in. He _was _here. And in the College of Fine Arts—so close! I could have run into him so many times! If I had, it probably would have killed me. I pulled my hands away and used my arms to grab myself. I never imagined that I would be in a situation where I would have listen to updates on Edward; about what he was doing now, about the life he was living _without me_. I'd hoped my movement was subtle, but I knew it was impossible to miss the desperate act of trying to hold myself together. I noticed her look at me with pity. I sat with my knees together and touched the floor with only the balls of my feet. I was curling into a fetal position by the second. It was all I could do to not collapse.

I needed to ask another question, get the attention off of me. "And Emmett 'n Carlisle? Where are they?"

Her expression didn't get better. The worry had gotten more intense and her eyebrows furrowed. "Emmett is studying Sports Therapy at the University of Pittsburgh, so he's just down the street, and Carlisle is the medical director of a clinical pathology hematology lab for UPMC."

That was the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center. Nearly everything medical in Western Pennsylvania was owned and operated by the monopoly that was UPMC. It wasn't like the Carlisle I knew to be away from hands-on work with patients, so I couldn't help but ask.

"He's not actually practicing?"

"Well, like I said, everyone has been strained. It forced him to look a little harder at what he's been doing the past few decades. He's loved what he's done, but he started to think that for being in his position, with his advantages and opportunities, he should have been able to make a more truly notable contribution towards furthering humanity. He thinks he might be able to contribute to medical breakthroughs more directly if he works in a research lab. So this is something new for him, but this is what he wanted to try, and I was not going to stand in his way." She released a deep sigh and her shoulders drooped. "I just want everyone to be happy."

As much as I hurt, there was no joy to be found in learning that some of the Cullens were discontent. I'm sure Rosalie wasn't on that list, at least. It wasn't clear to me why Edward was so miserable, but the discussion gave me a spark of hope that I might have Alice back in my life. That spark then prompted a wave of fear that engulfed me.

_Another question, I need to ask another question._ _Get the focus off of yourself, Bella._

I was too slow to act.

"Bella? Can you talk to me? Can you ... tell me what all has happened to you after we left?"

I began to panic. I felt my eyes go dry as they widened as part of my reaction. I could barely catch my breath, and I was having a hard enough time trying to hide that from her. I inhaled deeply. Somehow words came to me, although I left out a lot of details.

"Well ... I guess the first year was the hardest. There's not much to say about the first few months or so."

I didn't need to get into the fact that there was nothing to say because I didn't do anything but wake, eat and sleep—and that only barely.

I continued, "It's a long story, but my dad has always been really close to the Clearwaters and the Blacks on the Quileute reservation. One day I made a deal with Billy Black's son—his name is Jacob—to fix up some old motorbikes I came across. He and I became close. He's my best friend. I think it was luck, because if I hadn't come across the little phenomenon of wolves the size of grizzly bears running around, I may not be alive today."

I did not mean for that to be a dig at her or any other Cullen, but she frowned, and a look of guilt crossed her features.

"So you two are still friends?" she asked.

I wasn't fooled for a second. Her eyes made it obvious she was asking if we were anything more. The inquiry annoyed me, but I was too worn down at this point to protest.

"Yes, we've been close friends ever since, but that's all. There's never been anything ... romantic between us. That's not really possible for me, anyway ... " I trailed off. "I just can't love anyone like that anymore—I mean, not since—" I gave up. "Yeah. Well. Anyway, we're just friends."

At times I had felt horrible that I was never able to give Jacob more than my friendship. God knew he'd wanted a romantic relationship since the beginning. Thankfully, he had always been somewhat understanding about my refusal. Try as I might, whenever I even thought about kissing him, that pit in my chest opened, and I felt like I was going to cave in on myself. I didn't expect my feelings to ever change, so I tried not to think about it much. Most of the time I was able to stamp my guilt down to an incessant buzz that existed somewhere in the back-center of my brain.

"Most of my free time was spent between hanging out with Jacob, working at the sporting goods store that Mike's parents own, and, uh, I ended up taking up a couple of sports as a hobby."

Little did my parents know that all my resources from my job at the store had been funneled directly into purchasing equipment for my covert extreme sports addiction.

Esme raised an eyebrow. "Oh? What sports would those be, Bella?"

It occurred to me then that the one problem with Esme in mothering mode was that she was four times as perceptive as Charlie, and I couldn't talk my way out of it or around it like I could with Reneé. Back then, the idea of "sport" and "Bella" went together like, well, vampires and werewolves. I figured I may as well just tell her and hoped she wouldn't freak out on me like they would have.

"Um, just some rock climbing." She waited, so I kept talking. "And some occasional base jumping after skydiving got too expensive."

"Isabella Swan!"

Maybe if I kept on talking she would let it go. If she didn't, I might not be able to hold my temper. What right did she have to protest?

"Well, it kinda got me into college. I ran out of money to spend on equipment, and that forced me to get creative. Serendipity took over from there. I ended up designing several pieces of equipment that I could manage to make or cobble together myself instead of spending hundreds on their professionally crafted versions. After a few months my modified homemade pieces gained favor among some of the local climbers, and I've since been approached by a company interested in manufacturing them for the community at-large."

The bigger it got, the harder it was to keep the whole thing from Charlie, but I managed to keep it to myself for the most part.

"And anyway, the few bucks I make from selling my equipment by mail-order helps me pay for the outrageous tuition here, and it's actually what got me thinking again about going to school at all. For a while there I had kinda ... given up."

That was an understatement; once upon a time I had completely wrapped my future up in Edward—I figured I would have plenty of time to think about things such as college somewhere down the road. Once he was no longer the central fixture of my life, I felt I didn't have a future at all.

Esme was still smoldering, but she didn't stop me to yell at me, so I went on. "Once my climbing equipment pieces got popular, Jacob started pushing me to think about how I could make more things and maybe make a living at 'making better designed, cheaper stuff.' It wasn't a bad idea; I had always assumed I would major in English Lit when I did make it to college, but now I, um, have a hard time concentrating on works of fiction. My mind wanders."

This was yet another major understatement. Now that I was living in the world "After Edward," I had found it exceptionally difficult to read any works of fiction. I would see our relationship in plot lines, compare him to characters, and find failed romance in even the most unromantic stories. It was disastrous every time. Beyond what I had to read for English class in my senior year of high school, I restricted my reading to necessary textbooks, whatever manuals I needed to figure out mechanical processes to fix the motorbikes, or guides to improve my climbing and jumping abilities.

"Eventually I decided to apply to schools that have a great reputation in Industrial Design. My fortunate turn with successfully designing my own equipment provided me with a killer portfolio and a great story with which to apply to good schools. I narrowed down the top three by proximity from great climbing and jumping areas, and then by distance from Forks."

What I left out was that my goal was to get as far away from Forks as I could. I had finally tired of trying to avoid all the places that reminded me of the Cullens, and I found a reason for nearly everywhere to remind me of them, so staying around Forks mostly caused me misery.

"Eventually I decided my first choice was Carnegie Mellon. It fit all of my requirements."

It was also one of the best schools in the country for a number of subjects, so I figured it gave me an "out" once I inevitably came to the realization that I was in way over my head and needed to change majors to something simpler.

"Well. That's certainly something." Esme smiled at me, but I didn't have the slightest clue what she was thinking behind that smile. "And what about your friends here?"

I probably looked at her like she had sprouted two extra heads.

_What friends?_

I was just close enough with the folks in my extreme sports groups that no one gave me problems with being the youngest in the bunch. My skills and the "street cred" I had gained from designing my own equipment merited enough respect that most people wanted me around, even though I didn't talk much.

"Um, I kinda keep to myself. I would like to keep the collateral damage low if Victoria ever does get a hold of me here, and I'm not really interested in mingling much anyway—I maintain a heavy course load."

If she hadn't gotten the gist by now, I wasn't going to say anymore to give me away. It's not as if I was proud of being a hermit, and my reputation for being unapproachable was starting to cause some minor irritation for me. Many people had never witnessed my pleasant façade unless they knew me as a TA for Design Studio. Most everyone else who saw me on a regular basis was wary of my solitude. I was sure that many of the students that lived on my dorm floor suspected I was going to be the perpetrator of the next nationally televised university shooting spree.

"Well." She spoke so softly I could barely hear her. "You have been through a lot, Bella. I'm glad you made your way here. I know I've said this six times already, but I really missed you, so much. And though I'm not overjoyed to find out you've managed to find the only other group of supernatural creatures within a thousand miles of you, I am happy to find you alive."

"Would you ... be averse to coming by the house? It would probably be better anyway; less awkward than running into Alice and Rosalie on campus, wouldn't you say?"

She had a point. I nodded.

"I ... suppose. But what about ...?"

I couldn't say his name aloud; it was just too much for me to handle. I wondered if I would explode from anxiety when I got back to my dorm room.

She exhaled into a deep sigh. Her reaction certainly didn't help to relieve my tension.

"Well, dear, I know it's going to be hard for you, but the same situation applies ... perhaps more so than with anyone else. It would almost certainly be better if you had a chance to see each other before you run into each other on campus. You two really need to talk. I think things will be so much better afterwards. Categorically, considerably better."

That was the first time I could recall that I thought of a vampire as being delusional, but surely she was. I couldn't imagine anything that would make this scenario _better_.

I thought I looked at her blankly, because she went on. "How about tomorrow evening? I can pick you up around six if that works?"

My decision-making process was effectively frozen in paralysis, but I saw that Esme was obviously anxious for my answer, so I choked out a response. "Saturday is fine, but I have a lot of errands planned that afternoon; is it okay if I drive myself over instead?"

"You're not still hauling that two-ton truck around, are you?" She looked concerned.

"No, it died not long after ... it died a while ago. Now I just ride my bike wherever I need to go."

What I didn't mention was that my bike was a "gently" aged, 1300cc Suzuki Hayabusa. I had fitted it with just enough storage to haul my rain protection, myself and whatever gear I needed for a day of climbing or flying. I had become addicted to motorcycles since my sportbike adventures with Jake, and now it was the only form of transportation I cared to use. I supposed I wouldn't mind a car again as long as it was screamingly fast. Trust me, the irony of my newfound love of fast transport had not escaped me.

"Alright then." She smiled and wrote the address on a sheet of notebook paper. She ripped it off and handed it to me. "We'll see you Saturday. I can't guarantee I'll be able to protect you from Alice, though. I suspect she won't be able to restrain her enthusiasm much, but I will remind her to be careful not to break any bones."

I stood, and she hugged me again fiercely. "Okay, Esme." I tried to still my shaking voice. "I'll see you tomorrow afternoon."

I grabbed my bag. Before I turned to leave I looked at her one last time, and for one second I was able to stamp down the immense sense of dread I was feeling.

"Esme?"

"Yes, dear?"

"I missed you, too."


	5. Chapter Five: A Much Needed Discourse

This story is written in the first-person point of view, and sometimes switches between characters by scene or chapter. (Please do not panic; I do not repeat each scene from various points of view.) I do not label my chapters with character names, subsequently, your key is thus: Chapter titles that are short & succinct are Bella's, long witticisms are Esme's; song titles are in quotes, belonging to Edward, and Rose's are questions, finished off with an interrobang (‽).

Chapter Notes:

Much love to my muses cookEgawd & Blackjacklily, and to MunkeeRajah & Detochkina for beta and pre-reading awesomeness.

* * *

><p><strong>"How Can You Swallow So Much Sleep?"<strong>

I could feel the excitement swirling around me, haste and nervous energy abundant. Students and staff alike, all were eager to begin the new school year, all scurrying to and fro, all oblivious to the dangerously unstable predator standing in their midst.

I should have been pleased-the short periods we spent in college or in the workforce were the good years, the interesting times. They were fleeting and slipped by with an ease that made it easy to forget living could be tedious, and normally I would have been appreciative to be in the midst of this time of commencement. I should have been drinking in the collective energy that blossoms when so many gather in one locale at the same time. I could have been happy, buoyed by the prospect of something, anything _new. _

Instead, I stood in the center of the campus, blankly staring ahead, silent and still even as the superfluity of activity bustled everywhere. In the middle of my trip, I had forgotten what task it was I had set out to do. Three years ago I would have claimed it was impossible for a vampire to forget anything, let alone something so simple, so _ordinary_, but now I knew better; I had since gained the opportunity to probe the depths of despondency, and had subsequently become quite well-educated on exactly how many things were possible when a vampire was forced to live devoid of all hope.

_I shouldn't be here. _

I pressed my palm to my head, willing my mind to end its malfunctioning.

_But I am here. I have to manage the basics. Go to class; make it appear I'm making progress. _

I tried to remember why I was going to such lengths.

_For Esme. She begged me. I have to try. Now where was I going?_

I arched my back and threw my head up to face the cloudy sky, dropping my messenger bag to the grass underneath me. I strained in my reach as if it would help the filtered sunlight pierce the cloud bank so that I could feel the warmth of it on my eyelids. I needed something to give me hope that I could make it through another day-I would settle for any sign at all. A single beam appeared, sweeping over me in a mere moment in the course of the swiftly moving sky. Seeing as there was no Prozac for vampires, I would have to make do with this singular event. I needed to pretend that the timing of that sunbeam was significant, that it meant something. Pretending that the little things held meaning helped me convince myself all that had happened to me had a purpose. It was my primary method for convincing myself to carry on.

_Where-are-you-supposed-to-be, Edward?_

I fought back my frustration. I could barely reach it, as the emotion was buried under a thick layer of fear that loomed within. Fear that I was slowly losing all ability to function. Would I, at some fast-approaching moment, snap and massacre hundreds? Would that act put my family in danger? If it ended that way, would Bella ever find out?

_Bella. _

She, as usual, was the key. I soon remembered that as I was walking, I came across a scent that reminded me of her. It was faint, but it was enough to grab my attention and distract me from all else happening in the universe. My thoughts had since drifted to my memories of her, and was what left me standing in the middle of the campus lawn, lost and confused.

_Why that smell? Why now? _

My memory of it had, strangely, faded somewhat. I suspected it was a protective measure my psyche managed to implement on its own- it was the only thing about her I could not recall in with the brilliant clarity I once could. Normally, I struggled to try to remember every subtle tone of it; I craved the sensation of experiencing the potency of it in vivid detail, because back when I could still manage to conjure it, it made me feel _alive. _A small, but effective dose of my personal brand of heroin, and I took advantage of it whenever I could.

It had been at least a year since I could remember her perfume so clearly. Why now?

_I remember now. I was headed to the bookstore … I should get there before it closes … but perhaps I could take another minute … _

I pushed my bag aside and sat on the grass. Every day I dedicated copious amounts of time to wondering about Bella; imagining the different things that might have happened to her, willing her into scores of scenarios for her in which her life had progressed just as I had wanted. I always started with questions:

_I wonder what Bella's day has been like. If university started for her this week as well, she would likely be nervous, even a little agitated. Does she have anyone in her life who might appreciate the way her chin dimples when she pouts? The sweet way her brow furrows when she is nervous?_

The first few hours of this game always began with positive musings.

_I wonder what school she's attending. With me absent, there were no limitations to where she could have gone, so where could she be? I wonder if she went south; I know she missed the sun, even if she never admitted it aloud. I bet Charlie is so proud. What could she have chosen as her major?_

Inevitably, I would always meander into dangerous territory.

_I wonder what her friends are like. I hope she has managed to stay away from the jealous Jessicas and disingenuous Mikes of the world. Especially the Mikes. I'm sure someone has fallen for her by now … I wonder who. _

My stomach turned, knotting itself tighter with every question that followed.

_Could she … love him back, whoever he is? Have they kissed? Are they … happy together? _

And there it was. Every day I would fracture my own heart into increasingly smaller pieces by virtue of imagining the outcome of exactly what I prayed for. I had no idea whether my wishes ever reached God or fell on deaf ears because of what I had become, but she was worth the attempt, so I prayed anyway. Every day I prayed that she was living a full, normal life, that she would find someone to love her at least half as much as I did, and accomplish whatever she dared to dream. So, why was it that my last inquiry was always the same vain sentiment?

_Has she forgotten me?_

* * *

><p><strong>A Much Needed Discourse, or, The Problem with Patience Is That It Goes On Far Too Long<strong>

As soon as Bella walked out of the room, I stilled myself, contemplating. In my century of existence I had never felt anything quite like this strong sense of regret. We had made such a bad call; we had wronged her. I was surprised she had been willing to speak with me at all. There was so much hurt in all she said, and twice that in what she avoided. My poor, darling Bella. She had been living in fear this whole time. I realized I did not have time to reflect upon the mistakes we had made. I had to concentrate on how to repair as much damage as possible.

Before meeting with Bella, I thought my primary problem was how to handle my wayward son. Afterwards, my focus had shifted to figuring out how not to kill him. Make no mistake, I was not denying my share of guilt in this; I kept my mouth shut when the plan had been determined. I had deferred to Edward because we all felt that he should reserve the right to issue the final verdict on issues that concerned his mate. I knew his solution was a poor choice, but I did not think it was right to stand in his way. Unfortunately, that entire rationale neglected to consider that Bella was her own person; she had a right to factor in on decisions that would affect her life—and oh, had our disappearing act affected her life.

I had always thought well of Bella. She was smart and her heart was kind, even if she did have a quick temper. I also enjoyed the exuberance of her age, even with all the naïveté that youth entails. Beyond all that, I always had the strange impression that she belonged in our world, especially in the way she seemed to be tailor-made for my eldest son. He was always confounded by his inability to read her mind, but Carlisle and I knew it was precisely that which made their relationship work. Every being is capable of conjuring horrible thoughts when angered, and we all kept secrets from time to time, in the interest of protecting our loved ones from things that might hurt them. All couples needed this small amount of personal space if only to keep each other sane. Edward may not have understood the need for it, but that didn't make it any less necessary, and Bella was the only one with which he could ever achieve that relationship dynamic.

Best of all, it was comforting to know that he was, well, healthy. I had always feared that Carlisle having turned him so young may have impeded his development in some way. While asexuality was not unheard of in humans, it was not something seen in vampires; not surprising when one considers that it is part of vampiric nature to experience sensations and emotions far more potently than humans do.

My Emmett, always good for a metaphor, once gave me a good method to describe this phenomenon. He said, "If I were describing it to a human, I think I'd put it this way: Think of the time when you were the angriest you have ever been in your life. Like, fist through walls, smash-people angry. Now think about being that angry every single time something upset you. Although you have a larger capacity to feel anger, the coping mechanisms you have available to control that anger have not been improved; you're limited to the meager tools you had before."

If one applied that to a libido, it became easy to see why vampires tended to seek mates. While general companionship was still a motivating factor, the desire for intimacy was the more primal sensation, and therefore had more of a pull for us, being the essentialist creatures that we are. This was why Edward's complete disinterest in finding a partner worried me. When it became obvious to Alice that Edward had finally become attracted to someone, I couldn't have been happier—or more relieved. While his relationship with Bella had not advanced to the point where it fulfilled all of his needs, it was still a giant step in the right direction.

I needed to figure out how to approach Edward; getting him to listen to everything I had to say wouldn't be easy, and I only had until tomorrow afternoon. Worse yet, I had suspected that his late arrivals over the past few days were part of a deliberate attempt to avoid me. My imagination having failed me, I soon came to the conclusion that I had little choice other than to confront him directly about the recent developments. My worst fear was that he would get caught off guard, see Bella, and have any one of a hundred possible bad reactions. Worst-case scenario was that he might catch her scent and lose himself since he probably did not have any immunity to it anymore. Better, but still disastrous, he could run, which I was sure Bella would take oh-so-well. I knew that I needed to find him, and find him immediately.

Someday I would learn to be careful what I wished for, because just as I had grabbed my briefcase to head out of my rabbit hole, I heard footsteps coming down the corridor. I felt a flash of panic; my first thought was about my stuffy, windowless office, Oh God, I have to get him out of here before he picks up on Bella's scent. My second thought was, Oh God! I have to stop thinking about Bella right this instant!

"Agapatos?" I tossed my briefcase back inside and closed my office door behind me. In my obsessive study of Greek and Roman architecture I had picked up quite a bit of knowledge on their respective cultures, and even several forms of each language. Along the way I had taken to calling Edward by the word "agapatos," which was the masculine Koine Greek word for "beloved" used during the post-classical antiquity period. Now it was rare that I did not refer to him by my personal term of endearment.

He looked up. "Esme?" He was as distracted as I had ever seen him. "I don't know if I need to talk as much as I ... I just wanted to be around you for a while."

This was a surprise. I walked towards him quickly, hoping to keep him from progressing any closer to my office door. I was grateful that meddling students had opened wide all the windows down my hall.

"Oh? Are you tired of avoiding me, dear?" I smiled broadly, genuinely happy to see him.

He opened his mouth but said nothing, and closed it again. I reached out to hug him. "It's fine, dear. Every détente has to end, whether toward peace or conflict. Ours has gone on far too long."

He sniffed at me and then at the air. I took note that he shook his head quickly, as if he were trying to shake off a thought. I released my embrace, but he looked down at me strangely. "I would hardly call it a détente, Mother. We haven't been fighting exactly—"

I cupped his cheek with my palm and smiled warily. "That's only because you don't know everything that has been running through my head recently."

It took him a fractional second to process that information; it was rare that I would be so forward or sharp with any of my children. It was my tendency to be not only gentle with them, but genteel in most cases as well. At least Edward knew from his telepathy that this was a habit born of the time in which I was raised. My nature, and subsequently, my thoughts, tended towards the blunt and sardonic. As someone who had never truly reconciled the two sides, I had a habit of revealing the latter trait when I was pushed too far or when mentally fatigued. At the moment I was both, and add to that a dash of fear, and, well, I was just plain pissed off.

He looked at me with alarm. "What's—? You're—upset with me. Look, I know that I've—"

Now he was confused, and I figured that it was probably because my thoughts were so scattered, he couldn't get a clear line on them. All he had to go on was my current, slightly salty demeanor.

"It will all be fine, dear. Let's walk with this conversation. I need to get out of this stuffy room; I think it'll relax me a bit more."

We walked to the southern edge of campus and across Flagstaff Hill into an area called Schenley Park. It was a relatively densely wooded greenspace preserve that served for a nice leisurely walk outside of the reach of all but the most direct sun rays. There had also been a two hour period of heavy rain earlier in the day, and the sky was still cloudy. I was hoping the rich aromas of the forest would quickly override whatever smells he picked up from his stroll down my corridor. Between the rain and the time of day, I had hoped the area would be relatively deserted, and it would be nice to have this talk with Edward far from the reach of the rest of the family's ears. Once we were far enough in, Edward pressed in on me.

"Something's wrong, Esme. I can't pick up on all that you're thinking, but you've been... shaken. The few things I can hear are ... angry? What's going on?"

"It's not really anger at you, Edward. You, I'm only frustrated with. The anger is just at the situation."

I tried to get it out before he jumped to conclusions, but I had no luck; he interrupted.

"I'm doing everything I can! I came back only because I know how my leaving affects you. I should be out there searching for Victoria—she could be anywhere and someday she may make the decision to come looking for Bella and—and I don't want to think about what might happen then." His volume rose with every word. "Instead, I'm sitting here in Freshman 101 classes, wasting time! Yes, I admit, I've been avoiding you because I've been angry—"

"And resentful, apparently." I kept my affect calm and my voice level. It only agitated him more.

"Yes! I'm resenting the fact that I'm here when I just—I just don't think I can handle this right now, Esme." He got quiet then. "I'm not ready. I don't think I'll ever be. In fact, I think it's getting worse. Lately, I can swear I catch her scent everywhere. In the hall where your office is, just now, I could have sworn she had been there. Any day now I'll probably start hallucinating; I'll start to see her face on every brunette close to her height. I know I'm miserable to be around; it's useless that this is what I am now, but I'm trying, I really am."

This was where I would normally soothe my son and reassure him that all would be fine, and start in on trying to convince him that he was going in the right direction. This, however, was not a normal time. I sucked in a breath, clenched my jaw, cleared my head, and stared at him.

"Esme?"

"Have a seat, dear." I motioned to a large, mossy rock near where he had stopped to issue his soliloquy.

"I'm sorry." He seemed to have picked up on the point that he may have said too much.

"Don't be." I started in on him with my kindest, softest, singsong voice. "I needed to know how you feel. This time, however, you need to know how I feel as well. First, I am aware that you know how it hurts me when there is discord. You know I feel some of your heartache. You also know that I also feel it not just because it's my curse, but simply because I love you, and I want you to be happy. I did not beg you to come home because I want you to pretend everything is fine. That won't work; I know it, you know it, and you can't deny it. I begged you to come home because I know it's the best thing for you. I know it in my bones even if you can't see it because you are blinded by your misery." I paused to let that sink in.

"You almost slipped and you can't deny it. You know we wouldn't love you any less if you had, but the point is that you, away from us, were starting to lose it. I understand what you were trying to do, but be honest with yourself enough to admit that it was not working. It is time to try a new approach." I enunciated each of the last few words.

Three weeks ago, shortly after Edward's return, a lone hiker caught us all off guard during a hunting trip. Edward had not fed yet, and if Carlisle and Emmett hadn't caught Edward two seconds before it was too late, that man would be having lunch with his maker right now. That was when I decided it was time for us all to return to schools and jobs; surround ourselves with humanity. Find a routine again. I was not in the least certain that Edward could handle the shift, but I was determined to try to bring him back into the fold. The pressure he would put himself under—that of not wanting to fail or disappoint Carlisle by taking the life of a human—might have been my only chance at getting him to return to normalcy, feed regularly, or see daylight on a semi-regular basis. Whether the return could help him begin the healing process, I did not know. I only believed that it was at least worth a try.

Now he stared down at the wet leaves on the ground. We didn't have time for his guilt anymore.

"Look at me."

It was rare to catch him by surprise, but I think my attitude today had certainly done it. He lifted his eyes to me with what looked to me like uncertainty and a little bit of fear. I never wanted any of my children to fear me, but I would use it now if I had to, because I needed him to listen well. I hoped that by sharing the blame I could soften the blow I was about to make.

"We were wrong. We left Bella thinking we were saving her, and I believe that instead we put her directly in harm's way. What if Victoria has been in Forks this whole time? You won't let us check on her, you won't allow Alice to watch her. You're not a tracker, and while you have been off trying to imitate James, Victoria could already have Bella. Have you thought about that?

His eyes were widened then and I could tell he was inching towards fury.

"We made assumptions. We assumedthat Bella's ability to love you was no deeper than a high school crush. At worse, no stronger than any other human can love, right? She would move on, right? What if she didn't? What if—what if you actually made an indelible impression on her and she never recovers? What if she never lives that mortal life you want for her so badly?"

There was no longer any persuasive technique behind the words I chose; I had let my anger wash over me like a tidal wave. Every word came out like a curse punctuated with a pause. "Did you ever think about that?

"I used to think this really was about her—your deeds born of your selflessness; your determination to keep her safe. I know better now. It's more about you, is it not? What it says about you if you were to turn her. You went off in the middle of the last century to drain humans and when you came to your senses you looked at yourself, and you swore to yourself that from here on out, you would be better that that—above it. Turning Bella in anything less than dire circumstances endangers that goal, doesn't it? You believe that it makes you no better than any other vampire, and you cannot make yourself cross that line. You can't. Too much of your self-worth is wrapped up in your superiority complex."

He stared at me now, shamed and incredulous. I still wasn't finished. "Yes, Edward, I may not be able to read minds, but you are my son, and I've been able to read you like a book for at least sixty years. Remember that. Remember that and hear me now: we made the wrong decision, and now we need to fix it."

He was absolutely aghast. I felt horrible, but I couldn't deny that it needed to be said, and I couldn't take it back because I felt it was true. I waited for a denial, but it never came. We were silent and still for a very long time. The sun started to set, but neither of us moved. I calmed again, and I tried to find whatever tendrils of goodwill I could gather; I was well aware that I could be set off again with the wrong combination of words.

"I promised her that it would be like I was never existed."

That was the wrong combination of words; his confession made abandon the remnants of my polite pretense.

"You are not omnipotent." My voice was low but sharp; it divulged a deep anger I didn't want to admit I had. "You could not erase us from her mind when you said it, so it was a lie before it left your lips. You were arrogant to think otherwise."

He took several minutes to reply. "I ... you ... you may be right about a lot of it. But I still think that she's safer without me. You're right that I should have checked though. I should know. I should have kept tabs. What do I do? If I seek her out, I won't be able to stay away from her. I know I won't. I don't know what to do."

This is like talking to a brick wall. I gave myself a little credit simply because I had expected him to react with a tantrum; at least I had explained my position well enough to avoid that.

"I'm not a brick wall." He stood up from the rock and peered at me, seething. "I'm not completely unreasonable just because I don't agree with you, Esme."

Whoops. All right then, since we're going there. "No, you're a brick wall because you'll hear neither logic nor reason, and everyone is paying a price for your thick-headedness."

"No one is paying like I am."

I gasped and my body trembled. No one else standing near me would have noticed it, but Edward did. He felt his heartache, and a fraction of it passed to me. It was a physical burning, and it stunned me. I would not have reacted if it were not for the fact that it took me by surprise. Edward felt it constantly, and his current emotions are what facilitated its strength. In contrast, I had no warning of any kind.

I looked up at him, "Agreed, but comparing the intensity of our pain helps no one, least of all you."

He did not reply. I knew the conversation was over. I had not quite gotten through to him, but I had made some headway. Either way, I did not think he was ready for tomorrow. I needed more time. If I could put it off—

"What's going on tomorrow, Esme?"

Crap. "You're going hunting, for one."

"Mother, I don't need to hunt yet."

"No." I smirked. "You're not a brick wall at all."

His look was intense, jaw clenched and eyes narrowed. I could tell he wanted nothing more than to defend himself, but anything he said would further prove my point. I sighed. I needed to calm down and approach this differently. The time for my anger had passed.

"Actually, you do. Your eyes are black as coal, and its best that you don't put it off given our proximity to humans both at school and even at home this time around. I also think that you need some time to contemplate what just occurred here. In the meantime, I would like to have a conversation with Alice about seeing Bella. Please—" I was close to begging him. "Work with me here. I really think it would be best. I love you, Agapatos. It gets harder every day to watch you suffer." I wanted to remind him of why we were having this conversation.

"I know, Mom." He leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. "I'm really not in the mood for a long trip, so I'll just head east and see if I can find anything within reasonable distance besides deer. I should be back by tomorrow evening."

"Thank you, dear."

He ran past me and was gone in an instant. Only time would tell if my talk would do more harm than good. He seemed to accept my half-truth about Alice "seeing" Bella. I had only hoped that since I had now sown seeds of reason, with another day or two, I could fully convince him.


	6. Chapter Six: Losing My Religion

This story is written in the first-person point of view, and sometimes switches between characters by scene or chapter. (Please do not panic; I do not repeat each scene from various points of view.) I do not label my chapters with character names, subsequently, your key is thus: Chapter titles that are short & succinct are Bella's, long witticisms are Esme's; song titles are in quotes, belonging to Edward, and Rose's are questions, finished off with an interrobang (‽).

Chapter Notes:

Much love to head-a$$-kicker-in-charge, cookEgawd, my muse, Blackjacklily, to MunkeeRajah for megabetaing, and to Detochkina, who, although she claims to only be a pre-reader, is far more.

* * *

><p><strong>"Losing My Religion"<strong>

She did not understand. None of them understood. They each had their other half, the part that made them whole. I could have gone on, merely existing, if I had never found her, but now I had to live every day of my life knowing exactly what I lacked. The feeling of loss was like a black hole that threatened to pull me under every chance it got, any moment I wasn't actively fighting against it.

I understood that Esme had called me back out of concern and love, but how was I supposed to focus on such trivial nonsense when I had become accustomed to spending my time in a state of hibernation? I spent the majority of the last few years completely absorbed in my longing for Bella, and only secondarily tracking Victoria. It was not reasonable to expect me to return to conscious living; I had almost forgotten how. I constantly scolded myself for moving too quickly, talking in too high a pitch, displaying more strength than I should have. These tiny mistakes were occurring less frequently, but my improvement in these trivial matters was the only silver lining of an otherwise slate cloud in a charcoal sky.

Wasn't pain supposed to lessen over time? Why did my pain seem to get stronger the longer it lingered? Every day it gained power in its dominion over me as I was made weaker. I felt a pang of guilt for exposing Esme to my heartache, but she deserved a reminder of how difficult all of this was for me. She was accusing me of being reckless-of not caring about Bella's well-being. How dare she! There was nothing I cared about more! Her safety was the whole point! The one thing that made my agony worthwhile was the knowledge that by leaving, I had taken the dangers that my world posed for her along with me. This was the one thing that kept me away. I wanted to check on her, but I knew that each mention of her name, every slip of detail of the life she was living without me that reached my ears, they would either crush me or send me running towards her doorstep. If the latter happened—if I set foot in Forks—this would have all been for naught.

I held on to that understanding like it was a shield against all my Mother had said to me.

_If there is any contact at all, I will not be able to keep myself away. It is not possible. There has to be another way._

Only there wasn't. There was no other way to ensure she was as safe as I had hoped and prayed she would be. If I had known any of this was going to happen, I would have stayed abroad. I came back because although I hated myself for so many reasons, I didn't want to hate myself for what my absence was doing to my family. So when Esme tracked me down, I returned to the fold, but I was not home. My home was wherever Bella was. For the first time, I felt like an exile. I was unsettled and insecure. There was no journey for me, only drifting.

The only thing I had to look forward to in this attempt to placate my mother was access to a well-cared-for piano in a room where no one would bother listening to me play. I wouldn't rip out their hearts with the despair that seeped from the keys when I poured my release into the tone of every arpeggio, the progression of each chord. Esme tried her best to convince me she did not mind the sad themes of my performances, even going so far as to think the lie at me. In spite of her attempts, I noticed that Jasper always made himself scarce whenever I began playing, and the mood in the house had always darkened after I had finished my session. Thankfully, I could always count on Emmett's mind to tell me the unadulterated truth.

"Emmett, is my playing the cause of this effect on everyone?"

_Dude, listening to you play, these days, is like watching Schindler's List on repeat. You can only bear it so many times before you want to reach for a katana and commit seppuku. _

"Funny, that; Japanese ritual suicide by disembowelment—my sentiments, exactly."

That was nearly a week ago. Since then, I played only in the Music Department's practice room. I began to consider stopping by there for a short session before heading off to hunt, but as I picked up the pace on my way out of Schenley Park, I felt the need to run again. We had walked less than ten acres into the forest, so it only took a few seconds to reach the edge of campus again.I started to think that perhaps hunting wasn't a bad idea, because the only emotion I could sort out from the others I was feeling was seething indignation, so a run was actually likely to do some good. I couldn't run here, however; the area was far too populated. I had to cross the whole of campus to get to where my car was parked, and I started stomping back, forcing myself to stay at a human speed. Shortly after I crossed the southern border of the school's property line, I heard someone think my name.

_Edward? Edward why are you upset? What's wrong?_

"Nothing, Alice."

She stood behind a concrete bench, under the wide Gothic-arch doorway of a campus building fifty feet northwest of me.

_Yeah, I totally believe that._

"It's fine. I just had a rather interesting ... conversation ... with Esme."

I didn't bother to stop or slow as I passed the spot where she stood. She gathered books into her arms, having picked them up from the bench she stood beside. She looked at me with one brow raised, skeptical. _Esme_ _upset you?_ She sped to catch up with me, running faster than she probably should have, and finally reached me as I passed the Baker-Porter Humanities building.

"Yes. She wanted to talk about Bella. Apparently, she finally decided it was time to tell me how completely and utterly wrong I am. She thinks I should go back to Forks and beg Bella for forgiveness."

I intentionally left out the part where she had accused me of being a self-important ass. I did not think Alice would believe that Esme would say anything of that sort.

"By the way, you should probably speak aloud; we are standing in a public space, you realize." I added.

"It's, like ... " She checked her watch. "... eight o'clock at night, no one is around, and don't change the subject, Edward. Is 'completely and utterly wrong' exactly what she said to you?"

"Not quite, but she made it clear that she thinks Bella belongs with us and we should never have left. I've never, ever seen her that upset, Alice. I'll admit that I understand how she could have come to some of her conclusions, but ..."

I was getting beside myself again, but I hadn't quite figured out if it was because what Esme said was ridiculous, or because it was true. Alice just nodded and waited for me to continue. I stopped walking when I noticed the stack of twelve large books she was carrying.

"Alice, what are you doing with those? That's twice as many books as a human should be able to comfortably carry." I grabbed half of them.

"I'm still waiting on the backpack I ordered to get here. Unfortunately they couldn't put a rush on it because it's being custom made."

"Why on earth would you have to wait a week for a backpa—" I looked at her crossly, but decided to let it go. "Never mind."

Nonetheless, I heard the words _Louis Vuitton _and _because I wanted a pearl strap on it_ flicker through her mind.

"Soooooo ... you were saying? Esme made conclusions? What conclusions?"

"Yes. I don't really want to get into all of it, but suffice it to say it wasn't the talk I was expecting to have with her today."

"Well, at least that explains it."

"Explains what?"

"She was really distracted yesterday. She seemed upset by something, but she wouldn't tell me what. I've been trying to be patient and allow her privacy, as is her right, but it's been difficult to restrain myself from peeking in so that I can figure out what she's been up to. " I noticed the hint of a smug smile on Alice's face, as if she was satisfied she had solved a mystery.

"I think she plans on talking to you about it tomorrow. She did manage to convince me that I should check on Bella to make sure she's okay, so I sort of agreed to let her talk to you about using your sight to make sure Bella's not in any trouble."

I was not sure I actually agreed to anything, but all signs indicated that checking in on Bella was going to happen whether I gave my approval or not. Alice got excited faster than I had ever seen her manage before. I was still incredibly anxious about this entire turn of events, but it didn't seem like I had much choice in the matter anymore. The lack of choice, in itself, was extremely agitating. I looked over at her and saw that her eyes were tracing an invisible pattern. "Alice, not now!"

I had broken her concentration, and now she peered at me, scowling. "Relax, Edward, I can't see her anyway. It's been too long. I'll eventually manage to find her, but it's going to take more focus and energy than I can muster just standing here."

"Do me a favor and stop trying altogether. This is all moving too fast for me as it is, and I still don't even know if I agree with this plan." I started walking again.

Our conversation was interrupted when Alice's cell phone rang.

"Hi, Mommy, what's up?"

I could hear Esme ask Alice to stop at her office and retrieve the case that she left behind when I approached her earlier.

Alice responded quickly. "Sure, no problem. I'll see you at home. Rosalie agreed to meet me at the Morewood lot at around 8:30, and it's 8:15 now, so we'll see you soon." They exchanged a few more lines, several endearments, and then Alice ended the call.

"You wanna go with me to Mom's office to get her holdall?"

"Holdall? I thought it was a briefcase."

"It's a Burberry 'Structured Leather Holdall.' I should know, because I bought it for her."

Leave it to Alice to distract me from my angst by overloading me with trivial items and random chatter.

"Ah, that must be that bag that she spoke of several days ago. She mentioned that immediately after you gave it to her, she donated a couple grand to the Salvation Army just so she wouldn't feel guilty for having a glorified briefcase that expensive."

She glared at me. "That's not exactly true."

"Oh?"

"No."

I could tell she was holding out on me. I waited her out.

"She had me set up a trust that will continuously provide income for several smaller charities for the next ten years." She intensified her glare, narrowing her eyes before she turned away from me. "Are you coming or not?"

I laughed. "Yeah, sure, but then I'm heading off to hunt—Esme made me promise to go, even though I don't need it quite yet. It may be useful anyway though. I think I need to run for a while ... think about recent events while breathing some fresh air."

We started walking back towards Margaret Morrison Hall.

"Having me look for Bella ... it's not a bad idea, Edward."

"Oh, shut up, Alice."

She punched me playfully in the arm. "Don't tell me to shut up!"

She stuck her tongue out at me, then spoke in her most soothing tone. "We all love her too, you know. I had to give up my best friend. Heck, I think even Rose misses her. As far as she's concerned, there's far less to criticize and complain about when Bella's not around, and you know that's her second-favorite hobby."

Alice wasn't even trying to hide her enmity for my decisions regarding Bella anymore. I didn't respond to her. It only made me realize that the longer I hung around here, the more I was desperate to go hunting.

"Did she hide the key somewhere?"

"No, she told me she didn't lock it; said she left in a hurry. There's not much in here of any value besides the papers in her bag, so she said not to worry about locking the door after I retrieve it."

"So now it's a bag? I thought you just said it was a carryall?"

She punched me again.

I was right behind Alice when she sat her books on the floor beside her and opened the door. It only took a second to hit me. I was in the middle of inhaling because I had something to say to her, but I never got anything out, because in the middle of my breath it permeated me. I dropped all the books I held, and stilled myself, frozen in a crouched stance. There was no mistaking it; every cell in my body reacted to that smell. It was _Bella_.

She had been here, and I quickly became intoxicated by what she left behind; it was freesia, ambergris, salvia and hibiscus, all laced with the heat and sting of thirst. I was inflamed, the sting of it just as strong as my first encountered with it. Everything I had remembered with my perfect recall was wrapped inside that smell, and its concentration floored me. I was definitely livid, I was in shock, and soon after I had become ravenous.

"O holy hell." Alice's eyes darted between me and office. She grabbed the briefcase, shoved me backwards into the hallway, and shut the door.

My exhalation became a yell at the top of my lungs, "What the—?"

Alice rushed to respond. She stood in front of the door as if she were guarding it. "I don't know, Edward—I swear I don't know what's happening, but I do know that you need to get out of here. If anyone comes down this hall while you're like this ..."

I growled at her. "She was _here._"

Alice didn't change her stance. "I know, Edward. I figured that part out already. I'll find out what I can and I'll call you as soon as I know something. Now you really, _really_ need to go hunt. I think I should come with you—"

It took all I had in me to reply without any breath. The sound was guttural and sharp. "No—I'll be fine as soon as I get out of this building. I've changed my mind about my destination; I'm not going very far now. I will see you at the house—shortly."

I ran to my car so fast I was nearly airborne.

* * *

><p><strong>END OF ACT ONE<strong>


	7. Chapter Seven: I've Had A Perfectly

This story is written in the first-person point of view, and sometimes switches between characters by scene or chapter. (Please do not panic; I do not repeat each scene from various points of view.) I do not label my chapters with character names, subsequently, your key is thus: Chapter titles that are short & succinct are Bella's, long witticisms are Esme's; song titles are in quotes, belonging to Edward, and Rose's are questions, finished off with an interrobang (‽).

Chapter Notes:

Much love to my muses cookEgawd & Blackjacklily, and to MunkeeRajah & Detochkina for beta and pre-reading awesomeness.

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><p><strong>I've Had A Perfectly Wonderful Evening, But This Isn't It. <strong>

I enjoyed a precious few minutes of peace before the girls came home. I stood in the kitchen, in front of the refrigerator, carefully placing a few specially picked perishable items inside that I bought and stocked regularly to keep our appearance of normalcy. Emmett was sitting at the kitchen island, finishing up his entire week's worth of coursework at once. Jasper followed shortly after, entering into the room to welcome me home and give me a much needed hug.

Carlisle had just arrived before I did, and he began to walk towards me as soon as I removed my jacket. I smiled; I needed to see him, because when I looked at him most of the tension and stress of the day's events melted away. He kissed me like he always did: like the world was ending and it was the last embrace we would ever share. responded just as enthusiastically as always. Had I still been human, I would have blushed, because Jasper stood nearby, soaking up the pleasant satisfaction that radiated from us both. Neither Carlisle nor I minded; we were used to it. We also understood that he needed to get as much exposure to happiness as he could these days.

"Eww, get a roooom!" Emmett said. It was the same response he had every other time this display occurred, and this had been a routine for us long before Emmett had ever entered our lives. It happened at least once a day, every day, since 1921.

"You're one to talk," I said.

"Yeah, well, when Rose gets home." Emmett replied.

"I reeaally don't want to hear about this," said Jasper.

Carlisle chuckled. "How was your day, my darling?"

My face fell. "Long. Actually, I need to talk to you about that." I addressed the room. "I need to talk to all of you about it. But I'm going to wait until Alice and Rose get home first, since it involves all of us."

Carlisle grabbed me tighter. "I can't wait that long to know if you're all right," he whispered.

"I'm fine, dear, really. At least I will be."

Jasper and Emmett stood in place, both staring at me. Jasper, with an eyebrow raised and an unease that showed in his frown, sent a wave of calm over me.

"Grazie a voi, la mia pace." I thanked Jasper for the feelings of serenity that wafted through the room, sent for my benefit. Once upon a time, Jasper and I had taken on the task of learning Italian together, and I had gotten into the habit of speaking to him in that language in order to maintain my fluency. I hadn't even realized how on edge I felt until the anxiety diminished.

Emmett leaned further over the island counter. "Can't you at least gimme a hint?"

"No, Ekwe. The whole thing is kind of a Pandora's box anyway."

Emmett pouted in my direction. Ekwe was short for Ekwensu, the trickster god of the West African Igbo people. I had nicknames or epithets for all of my family, except for Rosalie and Carlisle. For me, it was a personalized expression of my adoration for each of them. Unfortunately, Rosalie was far too picky about what she wanted to go by, and I refused to let her dictate the term of endearment that I would use for her. I simply never managed to find anything that fit Carlisle. What word can one use to adequately refer to someone that is the world to you? The problem with calling Emmet by his sobriquet was that it constantly reminded him that he was expected to be up to no good.

Jasper raised his chin in his hand, forming his thinking position. "You said we were waiting on Alice and Rose. Not Edward?"

He was often too quick for his own good. All I could do to keep from getting into the discussion earlier than planned was to keep my mouth shut. "Patience, gentlemen. I'm sure everyone will be home shortly."

I realized I had become posed in an awkward backward bend because Carlisle still had not let me go, and in fact, was holding me tighter. "It's fine, dear, really, I swear." He loosened his grip minutely.

We heard tires squeal in the cul-de-sac and come to a stop at the front door. Alice ran in, with Rosalie quickly behind her, her blonde curls failing to hide her baleful grin.

Alice's eyes were wide and her stance was rigid, arms straight and fingers splayed at her sides. "Esme, what the hell!"

It was more of an exclamation than a question, and it was full of fear and confusion, not anger. Jasper ran to her side, and Rosalie sat at the counter next to Emmett, the grin still firmly affixed across her face. I suspected she was enjoying the drama.

"Alice! Why are you speaking to her like that?" Carlisle asked, his tone filled with as much reproach as I had ever heard come from him.

I replied quickly, before this could escalate further. "It's alright, Carlisle. It's probably warranted, anyway. What exactly are you referring to, Mellita?"

"Edward was with me when I went back to your office. He caught her scent, Esme! She was there! I recognized it, too, so I know he wasn't imagining things. You know what's going on, you've told us nothing, and I haven't been able to _see _anything!" After a second she continued. "Had you revealed your big secret earlier, I would have been able to avoid this!"

At first, I assumed by her outburst that she'd had a vision, perhaps she had seen Bella here in the house tomorrow or maybe with the family, but I had no idea that Edward was with her when I called. The rest of the group began to show signs of waning patience, tired of waiting for an explanation. All eyes in the room focused on me.

I ignored her scolding in favor of addressing the primary problem. "Wonderful. Where is Edward now?"

"He ran off to hunt, but he said he would be back tonight. Mom, he was totally out of his mind; he's outraged!"

Carlisle gently squeezed me. "Darling? Are you going to tell us what has happened?" I took an extra second to focus. I realized that since Alice didn't say anything about seeing Bella with me tomorrow, it likely meant that she probably hadn't truly settled on coming yet.

I inhaled. "I ran into Bella on campus yesterday."

Rosalie's mouth opened to say something. I glared at her, and she shut up instantly. Everyone else remained silent, so I continued.

"Of the four thousand higher education institutions in this country, we managed to pick the one she attends. She happens to be a junior at Carnegie Mellon in the Design department. I heard her voice during a class she was leading. Her response when I walked into the room wasn't exactly ... encouraging. She left altogether, in fact. I sent her an invitation to come see me when she was ready, and she showed up at my office to talk to me earlier today. She's alive and she's surviving, but things have not gone the way we would have hoped."

I did not feel it was my place to share all of Bella's story with them; if they wanted to know the details they would have to approach her individually. I did tell them about Laurent, Victoria, Bella's alliance with the Quileute werewolf pack, and I painted a broad, general picture of her constant state of alarm.

"If you could see her ... I can barely describe it. She's in so much pain. Fear is a way of life for her now." I sighed. "She's taken up some dangerous hobbies to soothe herself. I wasn't even aware that jumping off buildings is considered a sport now."

"She's hanging out with werewolves _and _she's _base jumping_?" Emmett asked.

"Yes, that." I replied.

"Rock on, Bella!" Emmett said.

We all glared.

"Um, bad Bella, bad. I mean ... she could go splat," he stammered.

I glared harder; he shut up.

"She was surprisingly gracious to me when we talked earlier today. I can't imagine the sense of abandonment she feels. I didn't even ask; I was too much of a coward to want to find out. But from what I could gather, she misses us as much as we miss her."

After a period of silence Jasper spoke. "Does she still love Edward?"

I closed my lids when I pictured in my mind's eye the look of anguish she failed to hide whenever I said his name. "At least as much as he loves her."

"Daaaamn. If as a human she's in half as much misery as Ed's whiney, mopey ass—" Emmett blurted.

This time Carlisle, Jasper and even Rose interrupted him. "Em!"

He stood his ground. "Sorry, but you know it's true. Poor Bella."

Rosalie dropped the smug face she held.

Alice had been looking at the floor since I described Bella's state of affairs, but she lifted her head towards us and spoke softly. "We screwed up in a major way when we left, didn't we?"

"Yes," I said. "We all owe her an apology. I was hoping to have more time to convince Edward of that, but it looks like I've run out; Bella has agreed to come visit us."

"When?" asked Jasper.

"Tomorrow afternoon," I said.

I was expecting discourse or discussion of some kind, but all was quiet.

"What's the plan?" Alice whispered.

"There isn't one." I answered. "It's going to be awkward, and there's nothing that can be done about that really. You each know how you feel about her. I think that all we have to do is make a concerted effort to show her exactly what that is."

I snuck a glare at Rosalie, but she seemed properly contrite, so I returned to addressing the group.

"As far as Edward is concerned, well, we can't really control him, now can we? We can only hope that he sees reason. He will need our support as well, so hold your tongues if you can; I expect he'll be quite angry when he gets back, and I would bet he's going to take that out on me. Let me handle him."

Carlisle frowned and moved to take a defensive stance. I stroked his arm and smiled, trying to assure him that I could handle this on my own.

"Really, we'll be fine. I can be the enemy for a while if I have to be. He and I will reach an understanding. In the meantime, from you all, he'll need some understanding and empathy." I looked at Jasper. "Well, you know, not quite Jasper-level-super-empathy, but you know what I mean."

Jasper smiled.

"Other than that," I said, "we hope and pray, and just maybe ... just _maybe_, we can start to repair this."

We watched as Alice called Edward's cell phone. She left a message pleading with him to come home, then snapped the phone closed. Afterwards, we all just stood or sat in place for so long that I lost track of the time. I focused my attention on each and every one of them for at least a minute each. I tried to carry all the hope and desperation I felt on my face for all to see, and I left them with it as I walked away.

* * *

><p><strong>Contrivances<strong>

While what I had told Esme about having errands to run was true, it wasn't my first order of business for this morning. I had a climb scheduled with Daria and Gabriel, two members of one of the local climbing enthusiast groups. I hadn't slept well since my talk with Esme. My burgeoning headache was now deafening. I needed relief soon, and I was counting on the climb to clear my head.

We wanted to get out early, before the state parks filled with the weekend campers and hikers, so I woke up at 3:00 that morning, hoping to be out on a rock by the crack of dawn. I couldn't remember where exactly they wanted to meet up, so I opened my email to double-check. I found six messages from professors, one from a member of a group project I had been forced onto, and a new one from Daria, which I opened immediately.

Hey Isa,

Bad news. Gabe and I got into a huge fight last night (because he's a jackass), and I kicked him out of our apartment. As I type, he's standing outside banging on the door, and once I finish this email I'm gonna start tossing his clothes out of the window. I'm looking forward to it. Unfortunately this means I certainly won't be out on the climb in the morning, and I'm assuming he won't be there either (especially since I have all of his underwear and socks. I'm thinking I'llkeepthose in the apartment. He can go buy more.) I'm really sorry, I know this is totally late notice, and I apologize for our collective dysfunction.

Later,

-Dar

I wasn't too disappointed to hear that Daria and Gabe wouldn't be coming. I had asked them because I was planning on climbing a relatively difficult route, and they were great technicians. Given that this route was rated at a 5.13 when 5.15 was the maximum difficulty, I could have used the guidance. The downside was that they bickered constantly. This was mostly a problem on the way to and from the rock—on a climb everyone was focused on the climb itself, as it should be. I didn't mind going solo, even though it made the trip longer since I had to set up all the equipment alone.

_Damn it, I don't have a solo rigging set up ready. _

"Rigging" was a general term to describe the configuration of how one's equipment was set up for each climb. Every scenario presented different requirements, and the change in plans meant I was no longer properly prepared. In the end, neither complication mattered; I had decided that staying home this morning wasn't an option. Since I no longer had to meet up with anyone, I crawled back into bed and stared at the ceiling for another ten minutes. Then I got up and took off for McConnell's Mills State Park.

An hour and ten minutes later I stood at the bottom of the rock I had planned to conquer. Even though it was early enough that the sun still hadn't quite risen, my insecurity begged me to look around, checking to see if I was in anyone's line of vision. My usual style preferences resulted in pretty modest clothing, but when climbing, I preferred to wear as little as possible, since clothing just got in my way, and I liked to feel the cool rock face with my skin wherever I could. That morning I was in a simple tank top with my school's logo plastered across my breasts, and a matching pair of shorts that weren't much larger than my underwear. Hell, I was probably wearing more sunscreen than I was clothing.

I hiked up the gradual face of the hill by foot, and carefully tied my primary and back-up top-ropes around the trunk of a huge black walnut tree. I sat my bag lunch beside a pile of fallen walnuts. Afterwards I threw the ropes over the edge of the cliff, attached my belay, affixed the rest of my rigging, then peeked over to look down the sheer rock wall. I glanced once more at the belay device. It was a small piece of metal whose purpose was to connect my safety rope to my harness, and halt or slow the rope, providing enough tension for me to control my descent if I had to rely on the rope to carry me. It was designed to work with the rigging, which, all together, was just a large, complicated counterweight that, if I fell, would result in me dangling harmlessly from the side of the rock face until I gently rappelled down to the ground.

_Lookin' good, Swan. This is going to be a beautiful day. _

I took one more second to appreciate the view, then began the hike back to the bottom.

Halfway through my return hike to the base of the rock formation it occurred to me that no one I had met since the start of my "Isa" days had ever referred to me as clumsy. I supposed that a large part of my flailing around all the time back then was simply that I wasn't paying attention. I had a nasty habit of letting my mind wander constantly. It didn't matter whether I was walking, driving, or if someone was talking to me; half the time I was off in my own little world. Jeez, I must have been insufferable. I could admit that I still got lost in thought sometimes, but not usually when mobile. These days my wanderings weren't even an option. If I didn't keep my mind clear and pay close attention to the task at hand, fatalities could result. While I had no death wish, I was well aware that any irresponsible behavior on my part could endanger those I was with as well, and so my mind stayed where it needed to be. Off my flights of fancy. Off Edward. On the work ahead of me.

I took one, last, sure-footed hop and I was standing where my top-ropes had landed. I completed the rest of my anchor setup and attached my excess gear to my harness. Last, I pulled out the shiny metal belay device that I so proudly designed myself. It was time to start The Ritual.

"The Ritual" was my name for the processes that took over once my brain realized that I was planning on doing something dangerous. I stood stock still, closed my eyes and dug my toes into the dirt. I reached underneath my ponytail to rub the spot at the base of my neck; this was just a nervous habit I had now. For me the act was like rubbing the belly of a Maitreya Buddha statue, it was something I felt would bring me good luck. When I opened my eyes I let them measure the distance from where I stood to the top of this enormous, craggy, and unforgiving rock face. I estimated 250 feet or so. Soon the adrenaline came. It pulsed through me, stronger with each heartbeat. I shook out my arms, and checked my focus: my mind was clear. It was time.

I shifted my shorts, yanked on my top-rope one last time, and began the climb.

I reached, I grappled and I hoisted myself up from crevasses to cracks, forcing myself to find solid footing. I sung fast tempo songs in my head to try to keep a rhythm. Rhythm counted for a lot; if I were busy keeping up with it and trying to match my movements to that rhythm, then I would be too busy to think about the fact that there was nothing but air underneath my butt, and the only thing keeping me attached to the rock were my slender fingers. Somewhere along the line Edward would find his way through; creep in when I wasn't vigilant, scolding me. Then I would use his voice like a metronome, keeping the tempo, our silent conversation urging me to find the willpower to push myself up one more foot. Two more feet. Ten more feet. This time, though, I was 150 feet up according to the altimeter on my wrist, and while Sufjan Stevens had set up camp in my mind with his various melodies, there was no Edward.

I was closer to 160 feet when I felt a tug. My anchor at the bottom of the rock was set up to keep my ropes relatively taut, so feeling them go slack ever so slightly caught my attention. I looked up, but they looked just as I had left them; they didn't seem as if they had shifted, so I couldn't understand why I felt the extra slack. I lifted my leg and swung myself to a new foothold. When my movement settled I felt the ropes go taut again. I looked up. Nothing. It was probably a fluke. I was about to move on when I heard the whisper. It was him, in my ear, telling me something was wrong.

_Bella, listen, you need to leave, you need to leave right now._

I rested my head against the rock face, my helmet clinking against the stone.

_Thanks, Edward, but I can't exactly just bolt from here. Got some useful advice? _

He didn't reply. I looked at my harness to see if I had anything on me that could be used as a backup measure. There were three cams. Just three, for at least 85 feet of rock. Spring Loaded Camming Devices were like wall anchors. You shove one in the crack of a rock, expand it, and link yourself to it via a carabiner and rope. If I had planned on using cams as my primary safety measure, I would have had more to work with, but I didn't; I intended to rely on a top-roping method instead.

_Alright, Swan, time to think here. If you had chosen to Trad Climb, you would have a gear sling packed with fifty of those suckers at your beck and call, but you didn't want to carry thirty pounds of metal up the rock, so that's not the decision you made. The choice you made was to use a rope for the climb and bring three cams. Three, thinking you wouldn't have to rely on them. Now here you are, something deeply instinctual telling you that mischief is afoot, and your only options are to stretch these three as efficiently as you can on your way to the top of this wall. THINK. You need to finish this. _

I took a minute to breathe and clear my head. Then I started calculating.

_Okay. Normally I would use one cam for every 10 feet of vertical climb. That would mean that if you fell 10 feet above where you placed your last cam, you would fall no more than 20 feet, right? Right. I have another 85 feet of climb to go, so the best you can do is space these three relatively evenly apart, and means that if worst comes to worst, you'll fall maybe 25 or 30 feet. _

I unhooked a cam from my harness and jammed it into the crack on the rock face I was clinging to. I activated the cam trigger and the spring released, securing itself into the rock. I swung myself sideways to push my hip against the rock and gain a foothold that would allow me to maneuver so that I could hook in and clip my rope to the carabiner on the other end of the cam.

_Bella, you have to hurry. _I heard his whisper.

I could feel my heart beating in the tips of my fingers and toes. I grinned in satisfaction. This was the rush I was waiting for. In the back of my mind I really didn't think much of the momentary rope shift. Perhaps I was even imagining it so I could hear his voice. Given recent events, hearing the hallucination was comforting. Just thinking of seeing or talking to the real thing brought me close to cardiac arrest. I kept moving.

_Move faster! _he yelled.

I scrambled from hold to hold. 30 feet from the top I placed my last cam, but now I was rushing. Moving too fast to really check my grip, ten feet from the top I slipped. First the toes on my right foot dislodged, then my left, the momentum swinging my body to the right. I collided with the face of the wall and my left hand lost all grasp. I clung to the wall from three fingers.

_Bella! Grab! There! _Edward urged.

I saw a hold just a couple inches from where my left hand was swinging. I grabbed it. Seconds later I was firmly planted on the rock again. My last few feet. Fatigued, I struggled to climb over the ridge and rest. I hooked my right leg over and with one final push rolled myself onto the flat, harsh surface of the hill. I was just about to exhale in relief when I heard a voice.

"It's about time you got back. It took you so long to get here that I had to grab an appetizer, but don't worry, I would never spoil my entrée when I've been looking forward to it for so long," the voice said.

This one wasn't in my head. It wasn't Edward, and it was not friendly. I recognized it instantly; I opened my eyes and saw red.


	8. Chapter Eight: Epiphany, or, Sacred Cows

This story is written in the first-person point of view, and sometimes switches between characters by scene or chapter. (Please do not panic; I do not repeat each scene from various points of view.) I do not label my chapters with character names, subsequently, your key is thus: Chapter titles that are short & succinct are Bella's, long witticisms are Esme's; song titles are in quotes, belonging to Edward, and Rose's are questions, finished off with an interrobang (‽).

Chapter Notes:

Much love to my Olympic Gold-quality-beta'ing team: head-a$$-kicker-in-charge, cookEgawd; my muse, Blackjacklily; Detochkina, pre-reader extraordinaire, and MunkeeRajah, who I appreciate even though she whoops my butt.

* * *

><p><strong>Epiphany, or, Sacred Cows Make The Best Hamburger<strong>

It was early morning, and the sun had not yet risen. I was sitting on a bench in our backyard garden when he arrived. I was waiting for him. I saw a flash of milky skin through the tree line in my peripheral vision but I didn't adjust or shift my focus. I crossed my legs at the knee, leaned my shoulder against the tree next to the bench and placed my hands flat on the bench beside me.

_"Say whatever it is you have to say, Edward." _

He rushed towards me and stopped only when he was standing half a foot away from me.

"How could you? You betrayed me!" His voice rose in pitch with every syllable. "You forced contact with her when you knew I had expressly forbade it—"

"_You _do not command me. You cannot forbid me, just as I do not forbid you— from anything. You requested, and despite disagreeing with the conclusions that led you to ask this of me, I did exactly as you wanted, because I love you and you are my son. I did not betray you. I did contact her, but only coincidentally. She's a student here, Edward. One of us was bound to run into her eventually."

He stood and fumed. I could see Carlisle approach the french doors that faced the backyard, and he looked distressed. I flexed my flat hand to lift my fingers in a "stop" motion, warning him to stay where he was. Edward was still silent, having been forced to reconsider his position. His anger over my contacting Bella was a straw man and he knew it. I was determined to restrict my thoughts only to the things I wanted to address out loud, but a stray source of anger slipped out.

_If you want to speak of betrayal we should talk about how you _lied_ to her, _I thought.

His eyes went wide and his fuming escalated to outrage.

"I had to!"

His scream had alerted the family, and suddenly I could see eyes peering at us through many of the windows that faced the backyard of the house. I tossed a quick glare in that direction and they all vanished as quickly as they had appeared. I returned my attention to Edward and patiently waited for the rest of his rant to come.

"It was the only way I could—"

I raised an eyebrow.

"That I would—"

I waited.

"I thought that that was the only way she would let me go ..."

I couldn't help my reactive thoughts. _Of all the asinine, idiotic things I've ever seen you do, Edward, this has to be near the top of the list._

Shame battled with indignation on his face, but he said nothing. I felt I was obligated to at least explain my outrage. It was hard to keep my voice controlled, and I was sure the occupants of the house beside me heard my reply, but that could not be helped.

"Perhaps it is because your indifference has provided you the good fortune to have never experienced heartbreak, but your ignorance all but guaranteed the opposite of your desired reaction! Few things rival the torture of unrequited love, and rarely does anyone forget the bitterness that comes with feeling betrayed by the one you love most. Did you not realize that to her it would seem that you used her and threw her away? Who forgets being treated like a toy to be thrown out once it's been outgrown? Jesus, Edward! Burn everything after you finish your pillage and plunder, why don't you!"

I waited patiently for his next bout of rage. It didn't come. I waited longer. I watched as his features softened as his anger fell to despondency.

"I didn't really expect her to believe me," he whispered.

I didn't reply, but sat patiently, fighting to keep my face stoic when all I wanted to do was cry for him. I truly hated having to watch my son go through this, but I knew he still needed time for the message to get through. I thought this was truly the epitome of the parent-held adage "This hurts me more than it hurts you." Eventually, after I thought him sufficiently humbled, I calmly went on.

"I'm sure you can recall our conversation from yesterday evening, yes?"

He nodded.

"Now taking what was said in new context, ask me what you want to ask, Agapatos."

"Why didn't you tell me you had talked to her?"

"That's not what you should be asking me. Though to answer your question all you need do is reflect on the minute you just spent shouting in my face. Would you have reacted any better had I told you yesterday?"

I saw a minute shake of his head. I nodded.

"I would even venture a guess that you would have, in fact, been worse. Now, again, in the context of what I told you yesterday, ask me what you need to ask."

"What you hinted at is true then? Victoria came after her? Bella's been in danger?"

I nodded once. I waited.

"Then how is she still alive? And if she's here, attending university, she had to have moved on. She must be better off than she would have been had I not forced our leave!"

I recounted to him all the relevant parts of what I had been told by Bella. He sat in silence afterwards, and I knew that I needed to allow him this time even if it meant staying beside him all day.

"You deliberately misled me yesterday when you said you would talk to Alice about _seeing_ Bella. You meant she would physically see her today, didn't you?"

"Yes. For that, I apologize. I didn't think you would be in any state to deal with seeing Bella. I suspect that as it is she's already terrified that seeing you again will hurt like hell."

After a time he said softly, "I made the wrong call."

I nodded again, and exhaled, relieved that he was finally getting the point.

He slumped beside me onto the bench.

"I made the wrong call. I put her in danger and she'll probably always resent me for that."

Slowly I sat up straight, and grasped his hand, clasping it tightly with my own.

He looked at me with such pain in his eyes. I felt a stab, a sharp cramp in my gut as the physical sensation of heartache passed through him and I both, but I remained perfectly still. I gave him some time to let it all sink in.

"Welcome to the world of the living, my child. Nothing here, regardless of species, is perfect."

"She'll never forgive me," he said again.

"Perhaps. But she doesn't have a choice other than to love you, Edward. She can't love anyone else. She's chosen not to let you go, whether it was a conscious decision or not. I doubt this will be an easy road for you, but you don't have the luxury of wallowing in your guilt; there's no time for that, and I won't let you. You need her."

"I don't even know where to begin."

"'I'm sorry' is a good place."

"'I'm sorry' doesn't nearly cover it."

"You'll find your words when you need them."

"I've been a horrible son to you, Esme."

I held his hand tighter. "All this, and you're still missing the point, dear. You haven't been a horrible son. You've only been ... human_._ So very, very human. Ironically, we all are."

I held him, and we sat there on the bench in the garden to watch the sun rise.

* * *

><p><strong>The Summit<strong>

Victoria grabbed me and yanked me to my feet. My legs were still burning with the effort of climbing so quickly, and I fell down to my knees.

"Oooh!" She cooed excitedly. "That's about where I want you anyway. That's perfect, Bella. Oh, I'm being rude. How are you? Did you miss me?"

_Great_, I thought. _Her voice is singsong and eurythmic even while it hearkens my impending death._

I forced myself back to a vertical position. I was now standing flat in shoes that were designed to curve my foot in order to aid my climber's grip. My feet were starting to cramp both from the position, my fatigue and the weight of my fear, but I was determined to stand. I felt the wind blowing around me and it was my only comfort since the sun was up and the rock reflected the late August heat onto my nearly bare skin. I did not reply to her inquiry.

"That's okay, you don't have to be nice to me, Bella. We won't be here long anyway. It's too bad my friend Naveen is going to miss this, I told her it would be fun. Oh, by the way, I figured you didn't really need these, so I decided to help out. I hope you don't mind."

I looked at her hands and saw that she was talking about my top-ropes. She had untied my multiple knots and unwound them from the tree. She was holding them both and I realized that when I felt my rope go taught for the second time during the climb it was because she had grabbed and pulled them straight and rigid.

Some part of me was resigned to this moment. The wolf pack had done what they could, but they were still mortals, with families, jobs and other responsibilities. They were also largely tied to their land's borders. Unless I wanted to live full-time on the reservation and never leave, I knew that at some point I would be vulnerable, and with the Cullens gone I had no other means to protect myself from something so powerful, and something that wanted me so badly. Even while I stood at the top of the hill with my aching muscles and tired mind I felt a calm creep over me. At least now it was over. There was nothing left to fear, since I knew it would be over quickly. It would be done, so I could stop worrying about it. Gone with it would be the heartache, the disappointment, and the aching to be a part of a family that left me behind. I wished that I could have told Charlie and Renée that I loved them, but if I had learned one lesson in the years past, it was that we can't always get what we want. So, I sat my longing aside, and thus I discovered something: resigning myself to the truth of the matter lifted a burden. The knowledge that I was going to die actually felt pretty good, because it was _freedom_.

Victoria went on for another minute about James, revenge, and whatever else. I wasn't really listening. My head tilted slightly when I realized there was just one thing I wanted to know before the end.

"How did you find me?"

She scowled, annoyed that I had interrupted her in the middle of her grand revenge speech.

"Oh, well, I hate to admit it, but I didn't really find you on my own. I was pretty sure that your lovely Edward had finally tossed you aside. After all, he didn't turn you, and he left you in that hellhole of a town you lived in. I was going to settle for killing him instead, so I've been keeping tabs on them since the beginning. This was just one of my regular trips to check up on the state of things. Call it a reconnaissance mission, if you will. But when his coven led me to you, that was just a bonus. I'll have to make myself a reminder to thank him for it when I finally get to him."

My legs were beginning to waver, and I was still standing on the very edge of the rock's flat surface. Figuring that I had nothing else to ask and that my time was almost near, I felt the very edge of the right side of my mouth begin to creep up into a sly grin.

"Then lets be done with this."

What came next happened in a matter of seconds. First, I heard Edward in my head again.

_Bella. Jump. You have to jump._

It surprised me, but my instinct told me to comply. There was no need to actually jump; I was right on the edge of the cliff. Instead, I simply let my knees buckle. I felt Victoria's nails scratch my neck as she grabbed for me but missed. I smiled in triumph as I felt the last of her fingertips fall away. She was too late, and now I was falling backwards.

Stuck in a position where all I could see was the sky and the cliff, my last sight of Victoria was the look of pure rage plastered over her features as she saw me escape her grasp. She disappeared, and I rejoiced in two seconds of freefall that were absolute bliss. The panic kicked in immediately after. I was falling, 250 feet up from flat earth with no secured rope to hold me. It was then that I remembered that I still had the cams in the rock. If I was lucky, if I could adjust my fall, I would catch on one of the cams and avoid becoming a pool of lifeless matter on the ground below.

_Yay, I'll just be splat on the _side_ of the rock instead, _I thought.

I tried to tuck my legs in so that I could roll into a more vertical position, but with two flailing ropes in my way and equipment strapped across half my body, I got tangled and couldn't manage to adjust myself. Then I heard a loud _ping_ sound as the top cam popped out of the rock and went flying with me. My head did the math:

_Thirty feet, and at least thirty to go._

I was grabbing at things, but it was fruitless. My rush to get up the rock made me lose my focus and I had placed that last cam improperly.

I prayed.

_The second one will catch me. It'll catch me. It'll catch me._

_Ping!_

I didn't factor in my velocity. My weight, along with the speed I was moving dislodged the second cam from its location in the tight crevasse. My fingers grabbed at air, my legs flailed. One more cam.

_One left. Jesus. Oneleftoneleftoneleftoneleft._

Another second.

_Now the peanut gallery decides to remain silent. Where are you now, eh, Edward?_

Three more seconds. My rope caught. Two more seconds passed. I was now 85 feet down from where I started and 30 feet away from the wall when my trajectory shifted and sent me heading straight for the wall. One second later, everything went black.


	9. Chapter Nine: At My Most Beautiful

This story is written in the first-person point of view, and sometimes switches between characters by scene or chapter. (Please do not panic; I do not repeat each scene from various points of view.) I do not label my chapters with character names, subsequently, your key is thus: Chapter titles that are short & succinct are Bella's, long witticisms are Esme's; song titles are in quotes, belonging to Edward, and Rose's are questions, finished off with an interrobang (‽).

Chapter Notes:

Much love to head-a$$-kicker-in-charge, cookEgawd, my muse, Blackjacklily, to MunkeeRajah for megabetaing, and to Detochkina, who, although she claims to only be a pre-reader, is far more.

* * *

><p><strong>"At My Most Beautiful"<strong>

I sat on that garden bench with Esme until late in the afternoon. I felt the weight of my guilt pull down on me. I knew Esme's mind; I also knew better than anyone else that she prided herself on being able to maintain the sweet-tempered and tender demeanor that the others considered her hallmark. However, the mercifully mild Esme had read me the riot act twice over the past two days. I had to accept that this meant I had been really stupid, really stubborn, or likely both. The problems with my behavior became tortuously less ambiguous as our conversation continued.

After I finished spewing my impotent rage at her, her expression softened, the tension lessened and our discussion settled into a more relaxed rhythm.

"I've been so naïve. I thought that if I took myself out of the equation, I would be removing all the danger I had brought along with me."

"I know, Agapatos. But you know that there are other dangers besides our kind. I recall that if it weren't for you, Bella would have been assaulted on that day in Port Angeles, yes? And run over by a van in the school parking lot before that? Furthermore, you know that although her blood sings to you like nothing else, it nonetheless holds an abnormally desirable appeal for the rest of us as well. We cannot defend our Olympic territory from the other side of the country, and she may choose to travel just about anywhere; any of our kind could wander through and discover her scent." She paused. "In the face of all this, you let yourself forget these things, despite having perfect recall. Do you know why?"

Obviously she felt she knew why, but she wanted me to figure it out for myself. The more this conversation went on, the dumber and more pathetic I felt. In desperation to save my ego, I reflexively tried to defend myself.

"I had surmised that somehow those events had occurred because of me as well. After all, she survived just fine for the seventeen years before I came along."

"This is true. And even with you around you may have to accept that you may not always be able to save her. She's even still alive in spite of the danger she has faced since we left. Perhaps to some extent she may just be the fortunate recipient of an amazing amount of dumb luck. Who knows? Regardless, this isn't about being her savior. It's about being a responsible partner; her true companion. In this case it means giving her the means to save herself."

"I'm terrified that she'll end up hating me. How could she not grow to resent me for stealing her life, her soul?"

She let out a long, deep sigh. "It's an amusing coincidence that when it comes to Bella, you and Rosalie have a lot in common."

I stared, incredulous and more than a little annoyed.

_Hear me out, _she thought. "We all know that Rosalie is jealous of the opportunities that Bella's humanity affords her. She's entirely convinced that her wants are right and true, and are just as right and true when applied to Bella. She has applied her morality to Bella, and since Bella rejects it, Rosalie takes it out on her through callous behavior. You've inadvertently done the same thing; Bella wants to be one of us for her own reasons, you want her to remain human for yours, and you've placed your will above her own."

I began to protest but Esme held up a hand.

"Yes, it's out of love, not jealousy—but the essence is the same when it plays out in the same way and results in the same outcome. In this case it's that Bella ends up punished because she doesn't want what you want for her."

I considered this while she went on. "You and Rosalie both come from a position of thinking that you are older, wiser, and are more informed, and that with her youth and inexperience she can't possibly know what she wants, right? There's a lot to be said for looking at immortality from Bella's perspective—she's now faced death several times, and that must have—" She searched for the right word. "—suffused her viewpoint, don't you think?"

She continued, "When you and Rose look at Bella you see a girl that can't possibly have static desires. I, however, see a girl that knows exactly what she wants, she just doesn't want _enough_. There's a difference. Regardless, it's unchangeable. We can't make her want more than this for herself. More than us; more than you. Nor should we. It's not our place to live her life for her."

"Also, you know that our regret is rare amongst our kind. Most of us revel in our immortality. Perhaps Bella is less like us in that she truly, effortlessly would love living life as one of our kind, and would perhaps even thrive as one of us. Would that make you feel any differently about her?"

"Nothing could make me think less of or feel less deeply for Bella," I said.

"I know this ... but do _you_?" She looked at me wanly.

As Esme continued to speak, her words were uttered as quickly as they manifested in her mind, so I could tell that there was no contemplation of what she was saying; she must have been wanting to say these things to me for a long time.

"You know, we're no different from anyone else in that we always want what we cannot have. I wax nostalgic about human life just like the rest of us, but really—at this juncture, how much would change for the better if we were to reclaim our humanity? We exist in a different place now. As tedious and treacherous as vampiric politics can be, how much would you really be able to involve yourself in human political affairs? How invested would you be in the current events of mortal lives when you can't erase your knowledge that there are larger forces, completely outside of human control, that factor in? Oh, and the perspective that living longer has given us! We may be somewhat constant, but we can still grow; consider how much Jasper's viewpoints on the Civil War have changed since he walked the earth as a Confederate soldier ...

Esme's face grew more animated, her eyes widened and her lips formed a prideful smile as she considered her son. The smile was, however, short-lived.

"Our physical swiftness blinds us to the larger reality. The concept that we are unchanging is ridiculous; it's a complete myth. Nothing in this universe is unchanging. We are simply like trees. We grow slowly while time and everything else around us races at what we perceive as blinding speed."

She was giving me so much to think about that I could hardly process it all as quickly as she articulated her thoughts. I frequently prided myself on being the intellectual amongst my siblings, but occasionally I was reminded that in all my reflection and contemplation, I had nothing on the wisdom of neither Esme nor Carlisle. I often worshipped them for it, and even through all my fresh angst, guilt and anger, I felt my understanding of myself and the situation at hand become clearer for me every minute she spoke. There was no way I would interrupt her now.

"And family ... if we were human again we would probably all decide to have children, but then we would likely all obsess over the mortality of whatever offspring we produced, much like you worry over Bella."

She paused, and I suspected it was to let her last statement sink in. I tried to imagine all of us running around trying to protect vulnerable, fragile human children, and once I could adequately picture the misery of constant worry, I banished the thought from my mind. Esme stood, and I followed suit.

"Beyond that, our biological families are all long gone; we have no attachment to whatever descendants they may have produced. We are wholly and completely each other's family now. Would we disperse? I don't think we would. Our structure as a unit is fixed whether mortal or not."

She closed her eyes. "We would rid ourselves of the blood thirst ... certainly that's not to be underestimated ..."

Her eyes opened and she looked off into the distance. Slowly she began to move forward, and I stayed glued to her side, trying not to make any sound that might interrupt her thoughts. "But really, even if we could be human, that time has passed for us. We have no place in this world as humans. That type of life would no longer be useful for us. It's too late."

It reminded me of what Bella said when she first revealed that she cared for me. She told me that it didn't matter that I was a vampire, _It's too late._

I nearly panicked then. It pained me just as much to hear those words coming from Esme, but this time I was resigned to the truth of her words.

I had stopped in response to my trepidation, but moved to catch up to Esme when I realized she was several feet ahead of me. She was so quiet now that even I could barely hear her.

"Even our constancy is as much a blessing as curse; things happen to change a human's constitution all the time, but as a vampire, I do not live in fear, thinking that my husband will one day come home and decide to abuse me. I even think of you, my son who once wanted so badly to be a soldier. You will never come home, traumatized from the evils of war, striking out at everyone that you love in your pain. Of all the things we do remember, the pains we felt while we were mortal isn't something we recall too well. Alice has had no reference point until recently, but do you recall the agony of the spanish flu as it took over your body? The torture of watching your parents succumb? Rosalie spends a lot of time musing about the children she never had, but does she dwell on the moments before her death when she lie on the ground beaten, violated and bloodied? The vulnerability and helplessness that she must have felt while those beasts manhandled her? I'm not sure it occurs to her that to become human is to return to being weak and unprotected. Life on this plane is guaranteed neither to us nor to mortals, but at least I will never have to watch the ones I love waste away in illness."

I felt so foolish. I reflected on what Esme had said the day before. Sure, part of my motives had been selfish. I had always been selfish when it came to Bella. If that weren't the case I would have stayed away from her after Alice had her first vision of Bella living as a vampire. But my stilled heart truly was in the right place in wanting to save her from this life; from what we are. Was I wrong in how much of a hell I considered this life to be? I didn't think I was entirely. In retrospect, if I really wanted to scare her away from me I would have told her in agonizing detail every thought I had within that hour after I first caught her scent. I had managed to come up with no less than twenty ways to kill every child in that room so that I could get to her without witnesses. It didn't escape my notice that thinking about killing her this time no longer caused my mouth to pool with venom and my throat to scorch with thirst. Instead I felt sick, and a little deranged.

"But we do wrestle a demon every minute that we live. She can't ever understand the horror of the monster that takes over until she experiences it." I tried to hide the melancholy in my voice, but failed.

"No, she can't. But she does have the advantage of _you_. None of us had the benefit of forewarning. Perhaps she will be better equipped to deal with the feral side of our nature than any of us."

"There's no way for us to know that for certain," I said.

She nodded in agreement and her gaze narrowed onto a single point in the distance. I understood then that she was walking towards her rose garden.

"And what about saving her from me?"

She didn't miss a beat with her response. "When James attacked her she bled from at least five different injuries. Everyone had to leave her side but you and Carlisle. Let me repeat: everyone but Carlisle and _you._ You didn't attack her when the smell of her blood was at its most potent. All you could think about was _preventing_ her from dying. I think if you're really honest with yourself you'll find that nothing, not even your thirst, could supersede your desire to keep her alive."

Perhaps Esme was right about this. I had spent several seconds during my talk with Esme yesterday contemplating the possibility that Bella could be dead. Those short moments of absolute torture certainly helped to make her point. I couldn't imagine myself being responsible for invoking that upon myself. It would be tantamount to ripping myself to pieces; it just couldn't be done.

"If you're right, then how am I supposed to change her? How could I possibly bring myself to end her life?"

The thought of it still enraged me. As much as I wanted her for myself, wanted her beside me for eternity... even after all Esme had said, and I had to admit now that everything she was saying made sense, there was still something primal, something integral to me that wouldn't let me think of biting Bella. Of watching her scream as the fiery hell took over her body. I had never been able to reconcile my bipolarity—the part that wanted Bella at my side, and the part of me that wanted her to run from me as far she could manage to get.

Esme kneeled before a single rose that had begun to wilt.

"Good question. I don't have an answer to that one. Perhaps you won't have to be the one to change her. I wish I knew. I think that the first step is just moving past the inevitability that she will have to be changed if you want her to truly live."

She carefully pinched the flower's stem away from the rest of the vine, and handed it to me.

"The sooner you stop drowning in angst over this fact, the better."

All of this led me towards thinking about the one factor that I tried to ignore the most: the inescapable fact that I loved her, desperately so, and we all knew that my love and need for her were inexorable. I had learned so much about myself since I met Bella. I thought about how much I had hurt her; how I was so incredibly rude to her for weeks after that first day in biology lab, and how I had continued to wound her in so many ways since. Could I manage to be with her and not cause her anguish in some way? Could I really be part of her happiness? Though Esme seemed to be convinced that I could fight my way back into Bella's good graces I was still convinced that there was a large possibility that she wanted nothing to do with me.

I would soon find out whether Bella would forgive me or if I was to be condemned to an entirely new level of damnation.

* * *

><p><strong>Gray Matters.<strong>

I woke up to a steady but loud hum that seemed to envelop me. For a minute I thought I was in an airplane, but that didn't make any sense. I listened more carefully, and I thought I heard the quick but noticeable, rhythmic pulse of a tail rotor. I opened my eyes. The next sounds I heard were faint, but the speaker's face was animated. I could tell she was yelling.

"Can you hear me?"

I nodded.

"Do you know where you are?"

"A ... hel ... copter?"

"So far, so good, my new friend! I'm Elana, and I and my friend Jeff here taking you to the hospital. What's your name?"

"Isa," I whispered. I noticed I couldn't move my head, and my lungs burned.

"Let's try that again; it's hard to hear you, you know. What's your name?"

I hoped that her wisecrack meant that I wasn't bleeding from twenty different places and that I might be alright.

"Eeeeee-sahhh-belllll-uh." I elongated the syllables. The "uh" sound came out choked and late because it hurt to speak. I wasn't sure she heard it.

I noticed then that I couldn't move _anything_. I think my eyes widened, because the woman standing over me tried to sooth me.

"Okay then, Isabelle, you're going to be alright, we have you strapped in and wrapped up pretty tight here, so you won't be able to move much. I need you to tell me if you can feel things though. I'm going to touch you in a few places, okay?"

I blinked, then mouthed, "kay." I wasn't going to bother correcting my name again.

I felt pressure in several places when Elana prodded at me, and didn't feel them in others. She tried to reassure me.

"Don't panic if you can't feel me here, there could be a lot of things going on. You're going to be fine, alright?"

Her pronunciation of fine sounded like _foine_. I started to recall what happened. It hit me that I had jumped off the top of a cliff, fell over ninety feet and slammed headlong into a small mountain of rock face. Worse yet, I jumped to escape Victoria, who had finally found a way to get to me. There was little hope in me that I would be _foine_.

I heard her yell louder in a direction I couldn't track. I could see her make hand signals while she spoke. "Code orange, Trauma One, Presby!"

Once again everything faded to black.

* * *

><p><strong>Cracking.<strong>

When I woke up again, I felt the heat of the midday sun on my face. I had just enough presence of mind to know that if it were close to noon then I probably wasn't at Jameson North, the hospital closest to the area where I fell; too much time had passed. I was far from McConnells Mills now. I couldn't ask any questions, though, since I was being moved from the helicopter to the building and everything around me was quickly shifting past my vision. Now I was absolutely convinced that my injuries were extensive, and I tried to brace myself for what was to come. I wanted more than anything to go to sleep, but once I was wheeled into the building I heard more people yelling at me, asking me questions. I'm not sure if anyone heard me since I could only utter weakly. I didn't feel the needle enter, I only felt a sensation of cold travel up my arm.

_Damn it, blackness again. _

I was getting tired of this.

The next time I woke up I felt like I had been hit with a phalanx of angry Spartans, with a SWAT team holding battering rams right behind them, ready to finish off whatever had been left behind. Really, it was that bad. I couldn't move anything, there was a huge tube in my mouth that extended down my throat, every muscle I had screamed in protest, and I ached down to my bones. My thoughts were fuzzy at first, but eventually I could see past the pain to focus on yet more pain. The lights in the room were bright enough to blind me, and I screamed in response.

"AAAAAARrggggghhhhhhhhggguh!" was all that came out.

Two seconds later I heard a voice. "Oh, welcome back! Gimme a sec, looks like you can breath on your own now, so we're gonna take that trach tube out so you can talk to us."

"MmmMMmMmmAAaaarghuh!" I gurgled in protest, and blinked my eyes frantically. Why was it so damned bright?

"Eyes. Eyes? Light? Is the light bothering you?"

"Mmmmguh."

"Sorry 'bout that. I'll turn 'em down for ya. Be back in a sec."

Thirty minutes later the tube was out, but that did not make me much better of a talker. My throat was raw and every sound I could make come out was scratchy. From somewhere in the room I heard another disembodied voice. I tried to track the sound again, but I still couldn't move my head.

"Hey, stop that now, you're in a neck brace and you shouldn't try to move your head."

I heard pages flipping, probably on a clipboard.

"Ah, here we are. Isabella Swan, right?"

"MMmMmmmguh." I found I really wasn't much better at speaking even with the tube out.

"Uh-huh. Congratulations, you're the luckiest girl this side of the Mississippi today."

All I could do was blink.

"Don't worry, I won't expect you to respond unless it's important, and I'll let you know when it's important by saying 'What? I can't hear you!' repeatedly until you get so annoyed you can't help but respond, okay?"

What was with the medical professionals around here with their twisted, morbid senses of humor?

"Okay, now down to business. I'm Dr. Baldwin, and I'm your orthopedic surgeon here at UMPC Presbeterian Hospital. Normally, you'd be talking to an internist right now, but they all jumped ship since you don't actually seem to have enough internal injuries to interest them." He chuckled at his own lame joke.

I recognized the name of the hospital; it was one close to campus. I tried to squeak out my question. "Ow... I get 'ere?"

"Ah. The helicopter brought you here because this hospital is the closest level one trauma center to where you were injured. Your paperwork here says you're a CMU student, so I'm sure they've been contacted and will subsequently be contacting your next of kin. As soon as I hear something, I'll be sure to let you know."

I groaned.

He noticed. "Or not? Let's see here." he read my chart. "You came in with a punctured lung, but it seems to have re-inflated beautifully after a catheter aspiration. You lost a bit of blood, but don't you worry, we have plenty here. We've put you through all the tests we can think of and the end result seems to be a flexion fracture at C-4 and an extension fracture pattern I see at T-12. That means you've fractured your spine in two places, and they're not even bad enough injuries for me to have to go in and have some fun tinkering around a bit."

He pointed to my arm. "You have a hairline fracture on both your left radius and humerus—"

He moved to my leg now. "Your left fibula—"

He pointed lower. "And last but not least, your ankle. It's only fractured, too. You didn't even have the decency to completely break anything." He smiled. "In all seriousness, Isabella, with the usual amount of blunt force trauma from a fall like yours? We normally see all sorts of internal bleeding from the liver and spleen, severed spines, paralysis. Death. How far did you fall?"

I looked at him.

"I heard it was something like ninety feet? Most people die when they fall more than fifty. You fell almost twice that and you have a nothing more than a few fractures, some cuts, scrapes, and a lung with a bruised ego. Either you did something smart that saved your skin or you've got some serious luck."

I didn't feel so lucky right now, and I still had the threat of a vengeful vampire hanging over my head, but I would take his word for it. I wondered where all of my climbing gear was now. I thought that if I ever got my hands on that last cam again I would kiss it every night and keep it under my pillow for as long as lived, even though it was metal, pointy and likely to punch a hole in my skull if mistakenly expanded. When I noticed that the doctor was looking at me, waiting for an answer, I tried to smile at him to acknowledge that I was listening.

"You'll feel better in a few hours. We're going to put you in some splints until the swelling goes down, then we'll put your leg in a cast, and everything else just gets a brace. You'll be in those for eight to twelve weeks or so. There's one little weird thing going on with your blood that we're checking out—it may just be some form of anemia or something; I'll let you know. Other than that, we'll observe you and your lungs for a while, then cut you loose. I don't know the whereabouts of your parents—do you have anyone local that can take care of you, or will we have to keep you until your folks show?"

"I have family here," I managed to scratch out of my sore throat even though it was a bold, big lie.

I had no idea how I was going to manage, but I wasn't going to let Charlie drag me back to Forks and lose a semester of school, especially when I couldn't afford to pay for any extra time. I wasn't close to anyone here and I had no friends that I felt willing to burden with my care, but I was going to manage to get to my classes even if it meant wheeling myself one-handed and taking notes with a pen lodged in my teeth. I started tallying a mental list of a couple other TAs and climbing comrades that might be willing to pick me up from the hospital and drop me off at my dorm.

"Oh, good then," Dr. Baldwin said. "I'm leaving for now. I have a surgery, but a nurse will be in around in ten minutes or so to check on you. You probably won't notice her a bit though, because I'm going to up your meds a bit and send you back to sleep now, 'k? I'll see you again after six or so."

I gasped when I heard what time it was. It hurt. I garbled, but no one heard me: "Six o'clock. I was supposed to be there at six. Waaaaaaiittt ..."

Before I could do anything about it, everything started to fade to—

_Aww crap, not this again—_


	10. Chapter Ten: The Space Between  Howl

This story is written in the first-person point of view, and sometimes switches between characters by scene or chapter. (Please do not panic; I do not repeat each scene from various points of view.) I do not label my chapters with character names, subsequently, your key is thus: Chapter titles that are short & succinct are Bella's, long witticisms are Esme's; song titles are in quotes, belonging to Edward, and Rose's are questions, finished off with an interrobang (‽).

Chapter Notes:

The most formidable team this side of the pond: cookEgawd, Blackjacklily, MunkeeRajah and Detochkina. Hells yeah.

* * *

><p><strong>"The Space Between"<strong>

Esme and I talked until late into the afternoon. We talked about a lot of things, and for many reasons I felt like a great burden had been lifted from my shoulders. I repeatedly took every opportunity I could to apologize for my daftness. The first time I did it, she scolded me about having missed the point. The second time, she accepted my apology and told me that I should shift my focus towards making amends in regards to Bella. The third time she ignored me, and with the fourth time thwapped me lightly on the back of my head.

By the time I walked into the house around noon, I still hadn't made any decisions on exactly how to go about things. My mind had changed gears entirely, and now I was completely focused on the knowledge that I would see Bella later. I thought it would drive me mad. Now that it was set—I would be seeing her today whether I wanted to or not—my hyperactive mind was highly agitated that I couldn't see her _now._ My protective inclinations kicked into high gear; I asked Esme where Bella was living so that I could sneak an early peek, make sure she was okay, see her safely to the house—all justifications that were complete nonsense. I just needed to see her face, and I swore I would crumble to dust from the pressure of the anticipation if my need to be in her presence weren't satisfied soon. Needless to say, Esme wasn't going to tell me anything about where Bella was. I looked in the school directory and only her email address was listed, so I had no recourse but to wait.

One of Carlisle's lab assistants called with an interesting quandary, so he decided to go into the office for the morning. His mind told me that he was just as excited as everyone else to see Bella, and he thought going in would sufficiently distract him until it was closer to six o'clock. He smiled at me, and I nodded in acknowledgement before he walked out of the door.

All of my flitting, nervous energy left me vulnerable to prodding from my siblings when I walked into the living room. Alice just smiled at me, trying to be supportive.

_It's going to be alright, Edward. She'll be here soon._

I paced. "Do you even know how she's getting here?" I asked.

"I think Esme said she was going to take her bike," Alice said.

"Bike? Bike! Really? Surely there's something we can do about that, this is so far off campus it would take her at least, what, 45 minutes to an hour maybe? And one of the neighborhoods she'll have to peddle through to get here isn't so great. There's traffic, and it'll be getting late by then—"

"Edward. She'll be here at six. There's nothing we can do. What would you have Esme do, force her?"

"No, of course not, but perhaps she could have been more convincing or something, I mean—"

Esme cut my statement off with her thoughts.

_Agapatos, remember the position I was in. I was lucky she came to see me at all. I wasn't going to pressure her into _anything_. You would do well to remember the same when she gets here. We'll all have to just focus on something else in the meantime. You could always come here and put on an apron; help me bake. If not, let me focus on my cookies. I'm determined not to burn them this time._

_"_Cookies?" I asked aloud. I thought I had smelled something mildly unpleasant, but I ignored it in my all-consuming obsession with Bella's arrival method.

Alice grinned at me. "Mom's trying to get back into the practice of being able to cook human food for Bella. She's very optimistic like that, you know."

I wrinkled my nose. "What kind of cookies? Something smells like... rancid milk, perhaps?" At a lower volume I continued, "I thought she was trying to win her back, not kill her."

Esme thought at me. _They're Blueberries and Cream, and you'd do well to keep your opinions of them to yourself. I'm following the recipe exactly, and you're just jealous you can't eat them anymore._

"Suit yourself, Mom," I said.

I noticed Alice was ignoring this exchange. Normally she would be prodding at me to get me to repeat what Esme was thinking. I looked down and finally noticed that Alice was on her laptop, staring blankly at an Illustrator file. I reached over her shoulder and manipulated the mouse cursor until I could figure out what she was doing.

"Alice! Really! A banner?"

I was looking at the file for a three foot tall, fifteen foot long banner that read 'Welcome Home, Bella!' I heard Jasper chuckle from the other side of the room. I was surprised he was anywhere near, given he was trying to stay as far from me as he could without leaving the room since I had been agitating him with my excessive anxiety. Alice looked up at me, face covered with annoyance.

"Don't worry, I didn't have enough warning. There isn't a printer in the city that can get it made on such short notice on a Saturday." She pouted.

Once she spoke I realized that when I first approached the computer, she wasn't looking at the monitor at all. She was trying to see something. I didn't see any images in her mind, so if I wanted to know, I would have to ask.

"What, or who, were you just trying to see?" I asked.

"Bella. It's so very frustrating. I don't think there's anything wrong, I think it's just that you made me shut my mind off from her for so long that I think I need to be with her again just to, like, find her frequency again. But I should at least be able to see her when I try to look at Esme's future. Instead I'm not getting anything at all; it's bugging me. I'll be glad when today is done and over with and hopefully I'll have my friend back."

Alice tried to feign calm, but I wasn't buying it.

"Besides, the timing is good—I wasn't able to get out of taking a British Lit class and I might be able to use her help to survive the utter boredom of it all. If I remember correctly, her perspective on the classics was far less jaded than yours," she said.

Apparently Jasper wasn't buying it either. "Well, now that absolutely everyone is stabbing me with nervous tension, I think it's time for me to make my exit. I'll be back closer to six, guys."

Alice blew him a kiss before he left the room. I returned to my pacing the room and continued to do so until I heard Rosalie and Emmett descend the stairs into the foyer. The closed floor plan of the house annoyed me; I noted that it was very strange to be able to hear my family moving around the house but be unable to see them.

Esme usually opted for open, spacious homes in sparsely populated areas, but in the interest of staying near campus and our short time frame for a house hunt, our options were limited. She ended up settling on an eight bedroom, 4,000 square foot Queen Anne style Victorian property that she liked for its size and the densely wooded three acres it was surrounded by, giving us some small protection from human notice. It was a divine example of the period, and had been fully restored before we bought it, much to Esme's dismay. The house, which Emmett called "The Manor Cullen," was even trimmed in a vibrant, period-accurate green and cream against its brick. Unfortunately, its 120-year-old architecture meant that the interior was composed of many smaller rooms, mostly closed off from one another. Esme was still warring with herself over whether she should knock down some walls and make larger spaces; she didn't want to compromise the historical accuracy of the layout.

I was still with Alice in the parlor, my mind nicely and firmly re-focused on how I was going to approach Bella, and was pacing and tracing the patterns of the old hardwood of the floor when Rosalie impeded me by blocking my path. I had less patience for her than usual, ever since Esme compared my behavior to hers. That wasn't exactly fair, but at this moment I could not have cared less. Knowing that Bella would be here soon and that Rosalie might be somewhat less than welcoming towards her made me even more agitated.

"How may I help you, Rose?" I said through gritted teeth.

"Relax, Edward. I'm going to play nice today. In fact, I'm so absurdly kind that I thought I would remind you that you might not want to be inside this house when Bella gets here this evening."

I kept my face as relaxed as I could. I was determined to be a good vampire brother and not lose my temper again today. I would at least let her explain before I decided whether to abandon my efforts or not.

"And why would that be?"

"Because from what I heard, you blew a gasket last night when Alice opened the door to Mother's office, and that nearly sent you on a homicidal spree. And that was over a _stale_ scent. You don't have the resistance built up to her that you did before. How do you think you're going to react when she gets here?"

She had a point. This fact only irritated me more, but I still held on to enough manners to realize that I should give credit where it was due. My response probably still came out stilted.

"That's fair, Rose. I'll have to rethink this ... and I appreciate your concern."

Now I was anxious, agitated, and ready to punch something. I wasn't afraid I would hurt Bella. I was now convinced nothing would cause me to hurt her, but that didn't mean my thirst wouldn't prompt me to do something else stupid that might put her or some innocent in harms way. This meant that I would have to wait outside; maybe acclimate myself to her scent while she went inside and spent time with the family. Even more time before I would be able to see her, talk to her. I seethed. I stalked off until I was past the front door, then I ran.

* * *

><p><strong>"Howl"<strong>

I returned home close to 6:40, thinking that if I came back any earlier I just wouldn't be able to hold myself back from seizing her in my arms. I slowly approached the house from the backyard, hoping to determine what was going on by the voices. What I heard was disconcerting.

"Mom, you did say six o'clock, right? You're sure you didn't say seven? Do you think she forgot? Did she change her mind?" Alice asked.

"I don't think there's a chance she would have forgotten, but she may have gotten held up by something. Let's not panic quite yet, all right, Mellita?" Esme was worried though, I could hear it in her thoughts.

I rushed into the kitchen, where I found Esme sitting with Alice, Jasper and Rosalie. My three siblings looked at me with fear in their eyes, and it made me realize that I likely appeared haggard and strained with worry. It did not surprise me. I felt as if my neck was positioned under the guillotine, and I was only awaiting the word before I would be split in two.

"It's me, isn't it? She doesn't want to see me. She changed her mind."

Esme frowned. "I doubt that's the issue, dear. I know this is going to be hard for us, but we have no choice than to sit and wait."

"Where's Em?" I asked.

"He's in the living room setting up an extra microphone for Rock Band 3," Rosalie said. "He's convinced that when Bella shows up he's going to be able to talk her into singing backup vocals on all those Silversun Pickups songs he downloaded. Good luck with that, Em!" she yelled, voice dripping with sarcasm.

I went back to pacing the floor again. It was now forty-five minutes after six and I was getting closer to total panic with each passing minute.

"Esme, there has to be a way to contact her. Do we have anything to go on?" I asked.

"Nothing, really. I would have tried to find her by now if I had any leads—" She was interrupted by her cell phone's chime.

I froze, waiting for her to answer it. It was Carlisle. He was speaking too quickly for me to discern what he was saying from where I was standing, but I could tell from Esme's erratic thought patterns that something was wrong. She must have begun to emanate that panic as well, because Jasper ran into the kitchen so fast that he skidded when he tried to come to a stop. He looked directly at me first.

_What the hell has happened, Edward? _Jasper thought.

I threw up my hands to show my lack of information, and continued to try to listen for either Carlisle's words or Esme's thoughts, but the way Esme's mind worked just didn't lend itself well towards hearing both sides of a phone conversation.

"She'll be dead by midnight." Esme spoke with certainty.

I froze.

"Can we come, Carlisle? Will she see us?" she asked.

I couldn't wait anymore; every second I was closer to snatching the phone from her hand. She snapped her clamshell shut just as I was about to lunge for it.

"What is it?" It came out as a cry.

Jasper and Emmett both put their hands on my shoulders. I could tell that Jasper was trying to alter my emotional state but failed because at this point he wasn't much calmer than I.

"Carlisle's at the hospital with Bella. She's hurt, but she'll be okay. She was attacked by Victoria this morning out at one of the state parks."

The room released a collective gasp and everyone started in with a different question, but Esme held up a hand.

"We can talk about the hows and whys later, but right now we have two priorities." She looked at me. "Edward, you have a recent location and a perhaps a fresh scent. Do you think you can track Victoria from there?"

I was finding it hard to speak; my mind had clouded with rage and all I could think of was Bella in a hospital bed—again. Because of this, it took me an extra second to nod in reply.

"Then how does this sound—Edward, Rosalie and Emmett, take the Jeep and go see if you can catch Victoria's trail. Everyone else will come with me to the hospital to see about Bella."

We all agreed and turned to head towards the garage. On the way out Esme caught my arm; I spun around.

_Agapatos, listen to me. I want you to catch her, and in order to do that you'll need to be calm and you'll need to be focused. Carlisle says that Bella is fine and will make a full recovery. I'll see you in a few hours._

I breathed just for the sensation of it; to concentrate on something other than my anger. I heard one more thought from Esme's mind before I turned to leave.

_I just told Carlisle that Victoria will be dead by midnight. So when I see you next, I want you to walk in holding a bag with that female in it—in ashes._

I nodded. I would follow through on her command if it was the last thing I did.

* * *

><p><strong>In The Blood.<strong>

The next time I awoke it was because something pulled me out of my dreamless, narcotic-induced sleep. I was cold. It felt like an ice pack was pressed against my ankle. This was a relief, a stark contrast against the hot, throbbing pain that increased as my stupor began to wear off. I hadn't opened my eyes yet, but I did when I heard a unnaturally soothing voice call to me.

"Bella, child, I'm glad you wanted to see me, but it really would have been much better if you had just come by the house today instead."

Somehow being called a child didn't seem at all patronizing coming from him. I tried to lift my head, but was forced still by a neck brace. The voice came closer and leaned over me. When my eyes were able to confirm what my mind instinctively knew, I smiled. Carlisle smiled back at me.

"Was ... the plan." I was surprised to see that my throat was starting to recover. It wasn't completely painless, but it no longer felt like I was swallowing glass when I spoke, either. Nonetheless, my voice was still weak and not everything came out as intended. "Ow did you find e?"

Carlisle cupped my cheek with his cool palm. He laughed. "You drew me to you by your blood, much like you did Edward. I'll explain in a moment, but first I have to fix something your doctor missed. I'll try to make it as quick as possible, but it will hurt a bit, all right?"

I moaned. He continued to talk. "So ... apparently, you lost quite a bit of blood from some lacerations on your leg and arm. Your body began to reject the transfusion they gave you, but it seems to have changed its mind and accepted the plasma; you didn't have any lasting adverse effects from the transfusion, but it did prompt them to look at your blood work more carefully..."

"AAHH!" My scream followed a loud cracking sound as he pulled hard on my foot and leg.

"Yes, there we are. Sorry about that, they missed a dislocation in the ankle area. That would have set all wrong. No other way to go about that. I hope I at least distracted you somewhat."

I glared at him. He went on.

"As I was saying ... no one could figure out what what was going on with your Coombs test results. When that sort of thing happens, it's protocol to contact my lab. When no one in the lab could identify the issue, one of my researchers gave me a call. Thirty minutes later I find myself looking into a microscope at human blood that, somehow, resembles vampire blood. Not understanding, I demanded to see the patient it came from. I wish I could say I was surprised that it was you, Bella."

"But ..." I tried to point at myself, but even my working, not-fractured hand lamely flopped onto my stomach. I did manage to point my index finger towards my face before I spoke.

"Not vampire. How?" My voice was getting stronger by the minute.

"No, but you were bitten once. While the amount of venom you were exposed to wasn't enough to trigger the change, my guess is that it was enough to produce something like ... antibodies, perhaps. Really, I've never seen it before. It would be fascinating to study it more." He paused. "But first I have to figure out what I'm going to say to sweep this under the rug. You've managed to get quite few people interested in you now, you know."

I groaned.

"Don't worry about it, Bella, I'll take care of it." His movements stopped suddenly, and he turned to look me directly in the eyes, a worried frown marring his otherwise angelic face. "What I want to know right now is how you got here. Witness accounts in the park were inconsistent. Some said that it looked like you jumped, others that you fell. What happened?"

I had noticed during my ascent that some other climbers had arrived in the general area by the time I was near the top, but it didn't occur to me that anyone had seen my fall. That explained why Victoria didn't stick around to finish the job she started. Then it occurred to me that I needed to tell Carlisle something. "Um ... both, kinda."

"Explain, please."

"Victoria. Found me. Was there. Let my knees ... buckle ... to escape."

The look was only on his face for a second, but I'll never forget it. It was easy to forget that he was a predator, given how I loved him, and made worse by how I romanticized all of the Cullens in my memories. I remembered now. The look that flashed across his face reminded me just how much of a vicious, lethal killer he could be if the necessity arose.

I saw a flicker of black as he removed his cell phone from his white coat and dialed a number. He spoke too rapidly for me to understand anything he said, and ended the call quickly. I shut my eyes and let my head sink deeper into the rough cotton of the pillow behind my head. The annoyance I felt creeping up on me put a tell-tale blush on my cheeks, and I started to feel flushed. My body's reaction to the anger made every already stressed muscle cry louder for relief. Eyes still closed, I focused half my energy on forming a polite statement; the other half went towards speaking clearly with my sore throat.

"Carlisle, I hope you're not rallying the troops on my account. I really appreciate the sentiment and all, but really, this is already getting complicated, and I—" I needed a moment to think clearly. "I can't deal with complicated. You don't owe me anything and I'm not your responsibility, so really, I think it would be ... preferable ... if you all just ignored it, really."

Carlisle put his phone away, then sat on the edge of the bed and gently placed his hand on my broken arm. Though my body's insubordination upset me, I relaxed a little under the cooling sensation of his hand, which was acting like a cold compress against my fractured arm. I couldn't read the reaction on his face.

"Bella, you can't possibly be suggesting that you would rather us leave you to Victoria, are you?

"I'm only asking that you leave me to my own fate, whatever that may be. I can't grow to depend on y—" I caught myself and inhaled, as if that would help me get some control of my temper. I continued. "If you're asking whether I have a death wish, the answer is no. But that's somewhat irrelevant to my point. What happened today was partially my fault. I lost my focus. I can't let that happen again."

"How on earth could your _focus_ have anything to do with being hunted by a vampire?"

I was getting livid. I hadn't really had any time to think about the events of the morning for myself, so I certainly wasn't in the mood to explain the hundreds of minute habits, rituals, or actions I did on a daily basis in my attempt to keep Victoria at bay. Restricting my climbing to group climbs was one of them, though I had relaxed my own rules lately since I had not ever heard or seen sign of her in Pittsburgh. The worst part of this was that he was making me feel helpless and weak; something I swore to myself I would never experience again if I could help it. Turning down his assistance might just be the most mindlessly stubborn and ridiculously stupid thing I'd ever done, but I was going to do it anyway, logic be damned.

"Look, Carlisle, thanks for, uh, whatever that is you just did or said on the phone, but no thanks."

"You almost died today, you're lying here with multiple fractures, and you want us to just leave you be? I don't think a plan of leaving you defenseless is going to work out well for you, Bella."

"I'm still alive. I'm _alive_ right now, and none of you were there to save me this morning. In fact, I've managed to protect my own skin, and have managed to do so for a few years now, so perhaps it's working out for me just fine, thanks." My patience with this conversation had ended.

"Maybe this whole meet-up thing was a bad idea anyway—"

"Bella! Wait, please." He had moved his hand in order to give my ankle some relief by that point, but when he spoke he inadvertently tightened his grip.

"Ow. My ankle's already fractured, you know."

His grip loosened. "Sorry. Please, hear me out. You have every right to be angry with us. I understand that—"

The part of me that was raised to always be polite and courteous to others was pinging wildly in my brain, but my anger overrode it.

"I don't know that you do understand, Carlisle. I find it hard to imagine you have any idea how I feel."

He looked at me with so much sincerity and sorrow in his eyes that it was hard to stay mad at him. I managed, though. If the look he gave meant that he truly wanted to know, then fine, I would tell him.

"I lost Edward. I won't ever be near him again, and no one in my life has any idea what that means; how that feels. Do you have any idea how idiotically melodramatic it sounds to the average human to hear me say that I lost my whole existence, or that I feel like I can't even breathe because I lost my mate? No one except for your family would have a clue what that would mean... how that feels, and it's not like I could talk to any of you about it, now could I? On top of losing the person that had become my whole life, I lost the family that I thought came along with the deal. Alice was my best friend, and she left, too. Just...poof, disappeared."

I tried to gesticulate when I said "poof," completely forgetting in my anger that one of my hands was broken. I grimaced and choked down a cry. The pain took a bit of the steam out of my impassioned argument. I went on anyway.

"So not only did I lose these people that I loved, but this whole world that you introduced to me vanished. I may not have truly become a member of that world, but I was sure as hell pulled into it, and eventually I started to feel that in your world was where I fit. That was taken from me, too. I was left to wonder whether I had completely lost my mind. Things start to seem like hallucinations when they're there one minute and gone the next, you know. Edward tells me that he doesn't want me anymore, all of your emails are invalid, any and all pictures of you that I had are missing, cell phones are dead, and I was left there—aloneand hunted_._" I made sure to add extra emphasis on those last three words.

"Now you're all here again, you've found out that Victoria is after me and you're all up at arms like it's something new, and I'm supposed to feel—" My eyes burned now, but I kept ranting. "How _am_ I supposed to feel? Esme just wants everyone to jump right back into my life and everything will be _just great_. What, exactly, is supposed to happen? Am I supposed to be able to start 'movie night' back up with Alice when I can't even conceive that she ever gave a flying fuc—" I caught myself just in time. "When I can't feel like she ever cared about me at all? How am I possibly supposed to be in the same room with Edward when I know he doesn't want to see me? When just thinking his name makes me miss him so much that I want to jump off a cliff?" I wondered if he would catch on to the fact that I was being literal just then.

"And then there's you—you and Esme." I lost all the fire in my voice now and allowed myself to drift a bit. "Do you remember that day that Edward saved me from Tyler Crowley? I remember crying on my way to school that morning. I cried because I found out that morning that my dad had put snow chains on my car so that I'd be safer in the icy weather. When he did that it made me feel so ... _cared for._ For the first time in a long while I felt loved and protected and, again, cared for, and the shock of it all made me cry. I love both my parents so much, but most of the time I feel like I'm taking care of them instead of the other way around. With you and Esme I felt that ... the comfort that comes when you feel loved ... I felt that from you all the time." I wondered if I sounded as pathetic as I felt. I was almost done, however, and I figured I might as well just get it all out.

I was slightly placated by the fact that he hadn't interrupted me. It was hard enough trying to think of everything I wanted to say to him.

"And you both just ... left. Now you're all suddenly back, I have no guarantees that you'll be here even beyond tomorrow, and I'm expected to be just ... dandy about all of it? I'm sorry that I don't feel that way; that I can't get past my hurt and bitterness. My mind can't even imagine being in the same room with Edward. It won't let me. The thought petrifies me."

I swallowed. Still sore, but better now. "So maybe it's for the best if you all just didn't worry about any of it. I'll be fine."

It rang false as it came out of my mouth. I hadn't been _fine_ in almost three years, but I was accustomed to it by now, and if anything I had grown to be completely intolerant of change. Change scared me more than facing Victoria did. Bad things came with the winds of change; people disappeared with it.

It took him a while to respond. He stopped examining my injuries and stared at the floor. I found myself wondering why I was so difficult to talk to nowadays; I didn't remember vampires as being so slow to find their words considering how much faster they were at, well, everything. When he did speak it was slow and I could tell that it was carefully premeditated.

"Well, Bella, I'm not sure where best to begin, but I'll try starting with my apology. While Esme did not share your whole conversation with us, she did tell us a little of what you've been through, and it's entirely our fault. I'm sorry."

His every word oozed with compassion, but it only annoyed me more. I didn't want to be pitied, I just wanted to be understood.

"I underst—" He caught himself. "I fully acknowledge that you have no reason to trust us, and our actions are responsible for that. It was a horrible way to go about things, and our reasoning was clouded by many factors. I don't expect you to welcome us all back 'with open arms,' as you say. I don't think Esme does either. She desperately hopes that you will, but she's not unaware of the challenge we face getting you to trust us again. But make no mistake, we _are_ going to try. We're all going to try our best to convince you to let us stick around. We're going to do that precisely because we absolutely care about you, Bella. It's because we care about you that we've made such a mess of things. The whole 'loving a human' thing apparently comes with many complications, regardless of what form that love takes, and as long as I've lived, no part of my existence has provided any real reference on how to go about things in this situation. This was all very new to us, and I'm sorry that you've had to be subjected to our blunders.

"As far as you belonging to our world, well, it scares me to think that's true, but I suppose it must be, considering we're all here right now, and realistically, I don't see how it would work with Edward any other way..."

"There's nothing to work out with ..." I couldn't say it. "Him."

"Oh, Bella. I don't know how you could have gotten the impression—" Something occurred to him then. "Well, I don't know what he said to you before we left, but I can assure you that Edward loves you more than anything else in his existence. He's been insufferable every minute. I assure you, and whatever he may have said to give you any impression otherwise was simply a lie."

Now it was confirmed. Both Esme and Carlisle were delusional.

I wasn't sure I would ever forget the cold that emanated from him that day. The look he gave me began to break my heart before he even said a word, because I didn't believe that anyone that could look at me that way could possibly love me. It was like being pushed under the surface of a frozen lake. It left me cold, breathless, and waiting for the end to come. "You didn't see him when he said it."

"No, I didn't. But I know how convincing Edward can be when he's determined. It doesn't matter what I say anyway, I know that you'll need to hear it from him."

None of this calculated. It made no sense to me. Finding out that he didn't want me may have shattered me, and it certainly embittered me, but it made sense to me. Back then, whenever I looked at him I wondered why he had chosen me, and I feared that some day he would come to his senses. For a long time I thought that perhaps my situation was partially my fault—I suspected what would happen, and I was right. I should have been better prepared. Shouldn't have fallen so hard. He was still an asshole for what he did, but maybe I should have worked harder to resist him.

"I can, however, unequivocally speak for myself, and, I suspect, for Esme as well. We considered you family from the moment Edward brought you home. We were just biding our time until you got to know us, the whole time nervous that you wouldn't accept us. We thought you would eventually come to your senses and run from us. When you didn't, we couldn't have been any more overjoyed. I've been around long enough to see thousands of words added to the English language, but I still don't know if I have any to describe how it makes me feel to know that you feel that way about us." He smiled broadly. "It's a lot of what we live for, knowing that we can still form these bonds in spite of what we are. That others can genuinely love us as well ... beyond the simple joy of being loved, it ... gives us hope ... maybe our kind can be more. Perhaps we can be deserving of the gifts we have been given. That it's possible we really are more than executioners.

"As for ignoring this Victoria situation, my answer is simply no. There is nothing you could do or say that would convince us that we should pretend this isn't happening. You know me well enough to know that I don't relish the idea of killing another being, regardless of their crimes. This one, however, has forced my hand, and we're going to see to it that she dies. That's all there is to say about that. I suppose the last thing you need to know is that we won't leave you again unless you have thoroughly considered and subsequently decided that you want us gone. Even that can only be said for the majority of us—I'm not certain you'll be able to get Edward leave you again, period."

My heart rate jumped at the mention of his name in the context of being _with_ _me_, and it spent the next minute scrambling again to find a rhythm. My cheeks flushed as at least two machines in the room started to beep incessantly. Carlisle was reaching over me to turn down the volume of the electrocardiogram monitor when a nurse peered into the room from the doorway.

"Is everything alright in here, doctor ...?" She didn't recognize him, and she looked concerned. That was when I realized that the scene from her point of view must have been alarming. Carlisle's right hand was high on my upper thigh, just over where my bone was fractured, in his continuing attempt to soothe my sorest spots. The rest of his body was mostly positioned over several inches over me, since he had leaned over from a seated position, to turn down the volume of the machine without displacing the hand on my thigh. Add to this that my heart rate had skyrocketed... well, it all looked very suggestive.

"Dr. Cullen from Oncology/Hematology. Yes, thank you, everything is fine," he said.

Once he had turned to her, the look on her face transformed. She had forgotten all about whatever plight she suspected I was in. Her skin was a rich ochre color, so I couldn't tell if she was blushing or not, but the rest of her body language managed to make it obvious that she was thoroughly "dazzled." He could have said he was Dr. Jeckyl from the department of Absolute and Utter Bullshit, and she would have gone right on smiling.

An uncomfortable silence followed, during which Carlisle gave her the side-eye and asked if there was anything else she wanted to inquire after. She shook her head and walked away. I burst out laughing. He smiled.

"Well, if you'll allow, we'll have plenty of time to talk further. For now, however, I think we should prepare. I'm going to give you an analgesic—a pain medication—that doesn't have anesthetic effects since you'll probably want to be awake for the next few hours. I wish I could give you more time to process everything, but I'm afraid that Esme and the rest of the gang will be here any minute now. They'll certainly want to see you, and I don't think I would be able to stop Alice if I tried."

Once he finished hanging a bag of some unknown medication and added it to my intravenous line, he looked at me pleadingly. "Please be patient with us, Bella. You know that we all have a tendency to get ... overexcited."

I tried to nod. Damned neck brace. My vanity kicked in just then and my eyes widened when I realized they would all be seeing me with various braces, swollen limbs, and bruised, stitched up skin. I used my right hand to start patting myself all over, as if tactile feedback could give me an accurate assessment of just how horrible I looked. Carlisle grinned and said, "Bella, please don't stress. It makes the drugs have to work harder to relieve your pain, and you're still beautiful as always anyway."

I started to smile as I felt that warm, fatherly affection permeate me again. Then I started freaking out that I was letting that warm, fatherly affection do such things to me, but by that time, he had left the room, and I was left alone in my panic.


	11. Chapter Eleven: Viva la Vida or Death

This story is written in the first-person point of view, and sometimes switches between characters by scene or chapter. (Please do not panic; I do not repeat each scene from various points of view.) I do not label my chapters with character names, subsequently, your key is thus: Chapter titles that are short & succinct are Bella's, long witticisms are Esme's; song titles are in quotes, belonging to Edward, and Rose's are questions, finished off with an interrobang (‽).

Chapter Notes:

The most formidable team this side of the pond: cookEgawd, Blackjacklily, MunkeeRajah and Detochkina. Hells yeah. Also a shout-out to KayMarieXW for the ultimate in reader support.

To my readers: I've been reading each and one of your reviews with absolute rapt attention. You guys are wonderful and leave such funny and insightful notes for me. You make it a pleasure to be part of this fandom.

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><p><strong>"Viva La Vida, or, Death and All His Friends"<strong>

There were no words. No words to describe the amalgam of feelings coursing through me as we ran through the thickly wooded Pennsylvania wilderness. It was easy to find the place where Bella had fallen. Even in the dark I could clearly see where the rock had been stained by her blood, and it made me feel ill. Victoria's trail had been easy to catch from there, and easy enough to follow so far. Emmett trailed behind me as I ran, and Rose drove the car as far as she could in the same general direction as we were running. I fought to avoid thinking about the possibility of Bella in pain, tried not to picture her injured, hurt ... bleeding. I focused on the feeling of the wind against my skin, on hearing Emmett's movement behind me, and I fantasized. Snapping the redhead's arms off before throwing her into a rock. The smell once she burning once I had finished with her. Anything to keep my attention on Victoria's trail. Absolutely anything to keep from thinking about how I had failed Bella.

I heard Emmett from behind me. "Edward! Double back here and verify!"

I shouldn't have gotten so far ahead of him. I was focused on being fast while he was being careful, and I should have deferred to him, considering he was the most skilled at tracking amongst all of us. Emmett was a reasonably skilled hunter as a human, and while it gave him no preternatural edge in this life, his knowledge and his caution was still useful. I ran back a few miles to where he was standing.

"You smell that, bro?" he asked.

"A second scent?"

"Yep. I count this as a positive. I don't think you're gonna let me get a piece of the redhead, but if she's brought along a friend maybe I'll get some action after all." He grinned.

I nodded. It occurred to me then that I might not get to enjoy ending Victoria's life. I was too eager to get to Bella. I needed to see for myself that she was alright.

"Let's go," I said.

We ran until we found ourselves in an area just southeast of downtown Pittsburgh. She must have run here recently, because her trail was still strong as it took us around the populated areas until it abruptly turned north. This was good news because it meant less time having to work as hard to distinguish her smell through the scent soup that comes with walking down crowded city streets. Before long we found ourselves on Carson Street, which, at ten o'clock on a Saturday night, was bustling with crowds of diners, drinkers and general merriment, since the street was packed with restaurants and bars. Emmett and I picked our way east, Victoria's scent getting more concentrated by the second.

"Em, careful. She's close now." I had to raise my voice a little more than normal to be heard over the din of AC/DC behind me. I cringed.

"Yeah, I got that. Street full of bars; she must be hunting." He looked left and right. "Biker bar to the left, and a yuppie hangout to the right. Which do you think is more her type?"

I stuck my arm out at him and he grabbed it. It was a safeguard in case I needed his restraint. For two long, anguished seconds, I gave myself entirely over to my instincts. Inhailing all the tempting, flowing blood surrounding me, I tried to assign each delectable smell a name, age and face so that my brain would ignore the humans and keep moving. I found it, and I locked in on it. Opening my eyes, I looked at Emmett and pointed.

"I don't know about that second scent. It seems to wander off over there." I motioned across the street. "But the redhead is in there." I pointed to the place that Emmett had called "a yuppie hangout."

A large, intentionally tacky sign read "The Tiki Lounge" in a large typeface that reminded me of old Tarzan movies. Loud music was blaring here, too, but this time the sound was some weird mixture I could only think of as Indie music meets Afrobeat. I heard a guy in the bar comment on the band; their name, apparently, was Vampire Weekend. Emmett and I looked at each other and laughed out loud.

Returning to the task at hand, I looked at him solemnly and nodded.

"I'll cover the back door, bro, no problem," he said.

"Thanks, Em."

I called Rose on my cell and told her where to meet us, then we walked in.

I knew it was her. Not because I could hear her mind from the doorway, but because I could almost smell her agitation and impatience. When I walked in a bit farther, I only saw a sliver of her bare, pale shoulder and a few strands of long, curly hair that were far more shockingly red than they had any natural right to be. I stood in a corner between the door and the tall front booth and listened. I could hear that she was trying to talk a rangy, blond man into leaving the bar with her, but his attention was split between her and the text he just received on his phone.

I failed to hold back a sharp laugh. Even though the behavior was distasteful to me, I couldn't help but think, _What kind of vampire are you if you can't even seduce your way into a kill?_

I could have eaten my words directly afterwards, because just then a college-aged blonde approached me with the intent to pick me up. I should have caught her thoughts ahead of time, but I was so focused on Victoria I had blocked out all else around me.

"Um ... hello there, gorgeous. I was wondering if you'd be interested in—"

"I'm quite sorry, but I'm waiting for my girlfriend to arrive." I would normally have been more polite in my rebuke of her advances, but I needed to get rid of her post-haste.

"Oh, in fact, I think I see her now."

Not waiting for the blonde's reply, I walked towards Victoria. When I got to the booth she shared with the tall gentleman, I quickly slid in beside her and slung my arm around her shoulders.

"Hey, what are you doing sitting back here? I've been waiting for you up at the front door for ages; I thought you'd wait for me there." She growled, but went silent when she noticed the man across from her look up from his cell phone. Excited to finally have her in my grasp, I fought not to let my anxiety disturb my focus. I was perhaps six pounds of pressure away from crushing her arm to dust, but she managed to avoid a reaction.

_I might not even fight you. I may just accept this, because I'm satisfied. I saw your pretty little toy fly straight into the side of a wall of rock this morning. I've done what I needed to do, _she thought.

I tightened my grip on her in my reflexive rage, and the expression on my face betrayed me. Victoria was smiling at me, pleased she had successfully taunted me. The plain man she had failed to interest looked up and eyed us with confusion.

Our little production had finally become enough to scare him off. His eyes darted between Victoria and me as he slid out of the booth, and he never turned his back to either of us as he made his way towards the front door of the bar.

_I can lose the arm and slip under—_

Her thought ended suddenly when I seized her torso with my other hand.

It was our turn to exit the booth. If I weren't so determined to kill her, it would have been fascinating to listen in longer on her thoughts. She really was quite the strategist. Unfortunately for her, I blocked every move she thought about before she could even start it. With every counter-move I made, her expression shifted further from anger towards one of fear as I pulled her closer towards me, trying to secure my grasp on her before I began our exit from the cramped space.

"I think that's enough of a chat. It's time to go."

She tried to resist, but I was stronger. Her advantage was in her uncanny ability to escape, not in raw power. Nor did she know she was surrounded.

I whispered in her ear, "You're not going to avoid the inevitable. We're going to walk back out front, and then we're going to have a little talk. You're going to cooperate, or I'm going to be forced to rip you to pieces in front of all of these people here, and then kill the witnesses. I'll be very put out if you make me do that. Do you understand?"

She glared at me with a pure, intense hatred.

_One hundred and fifty years. That is how long I had with my James. If I don't escape from you, I'll at least be content with knowing that you'll never have that long with that blood bag you love._

I yanked hard at my fury as if it were tangible. In the time I took me to refocus, she broke free from my grasp. Thankfully, what she did next was exactly what I had hoped; she ran through the cavernous bar straight towards the back exit. Earlier I had suggested I wanted to take her out the front door, hoping her instincts would instruct her to do the opposite. Had she run for the front I would have been forced to give chase, but there was my large, muscular surprise waiting to block her at the back door.

She yanked open the heavy steel door, bringing her face to face with Emmett. Catching up from behind, I lunged from behind and jammed my arms between her own arms and torso and pushing upwards until her arms were locked outwards and my hands were gripping her shoulders. I was able to incapacitate her long enough for him to reach down and twist her leg until we heard a clear snap.

She tried to scream but I slapped my hand over her mouth. Once I was satisfied that she couldn't run if she tried, we dragged her down the alley fast enough to avoid human eyes and hoisted her into the jeep, where Rose was waiting with the rear passenger door open.

"Honey buns, did I ever tell you how awesome you are?" Emmett asked.

"Every day, as you damn well better." She grinned.

We took off through the jumble of one-way back streets of the South Side neighborhood. Emmett sat on one side of Victoria and I on the other, holding her so tightly, she couldn't budge. She screamed, and Rose yelled back to her from the driver's seat.

"You really need to shut up, chica, because Edward's going to snap your neck before we get to our destination, and that'll leave little vampirebits all over the interior. I'm really not in the mood to clean that up, so can it."

We drove to a heavily wooded township south of the populated area because we needed somewhere to burn her without attracting notice, but I was getting more nervous every minute, scared she might manage a way to escape. Victoria, however, was finally starting to understand that her luck may have run out. She didn't say anything coherent aloud, but I could hear the mutterings in her mind.

_You deserve to roast for what you did to James, you bastard! This is not happening, this is not happening, ..._

From what I could tell, Victoria had little if any conscience in this life, but her new experience of captivity was forcing her to consider what might await her after we removed her from this realm. In her head I saw images of her victims; some of her most depraved kills. I leaned into her to whisper in her ear.

"Don't worry, it won't be long now. But before you go, I do want you to know one thing."

I could feel the muscles in her neck tense as she tried to bend her head away from me. I responded by pressing closer.

"Bella is alive, and I guarantee you this: she'll outlive _you_."

She screamed again, a strain of desperation within it.

"This time, say it with feeling!" Emmett joked. He shook with laughter, and it caused his hold on her to falter.

When I felt her shift, I realized I couldn't take any chances. I immediately launched upward and snapped her spine at the neck. The shrill noise ended immediately. Emmett caught on to my revised plan quickly, and grabbed her head with just enough force, yanking her head clean away from her body.

Rose shrieked, "Oh, come on! Thanks a ton, Edward, we're only five minutes out! Vampbits! Now we'll have to find every one to burn them!"

Holding her head up by the hair, Emmett leaned over to show me his huge, teethy grin. "Well, that was anticlimactic, don'tcha think?"

I scowled. As much as I wanted her dead, this wasn't over yet, and I didn't want him to get too relaxed. Also, it wasn't possible for me to respond with the glee he seemed to so easily muster. Too much harm had befallen Bella for me to react in such a manner.

"Eh, that's alright. It was still worth it, 'cuz the timing made her yowling end on the upbeat. Anything else would have sounded _wrong,_" he said.

She was dead. I had looked for her for over three years, and I had finally caught her. She couldn't hurt my reason for existing any longer. I did not know if I expected to feel a certain way—I did not expect guilt, but nor did I expect to feel the immense sense of relief that came over me then. The only thing halting my glee was the knowledge that Bella was somewhere in misery because I failed to complete this task in a more timely manner. It was almost too much to take; the last few days had been strange days, indeed. Never had I heard Carlisle express desire for someone's death, nor could I ever have imagined hearing Esme call for anyone's head. I was beginning to understand, to see what all of my decisions had done to my loved ones. I had never been able to look much beyond my own pain where Bella was concerned, but now that I had started to see the farther-reaching consequences of my decisions, guilt started to hover over me for reasons altogether new to me.

"Hey, bro, it's time to get out of the car and do this." Emmett looked at me with obvious pity. It must have been obvious that my mind was elsewhere.

I struck the match and touched it to the cedar kindling.

We watched her pyre burn far into the night. I felt one corner of my mouth pull upwards into the most faint of smiles. The fire that permanently erased Victoria from this plane was one of the most glorious things I had seen in a hundred years.

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><p><strong>Hubris.<strong>

I couldn't avoid it any longer; it was time to call Charlie. I dialed, hoping against hope that he wouldn't be home.

"Bells! Are you okay? The school called and said you'd had an accident, but the hospital said you weren't in a room they could forward calls to yet, and I can't get a flight out until tomorrow—"

I would have no such luck, apparently.

"Dad, no! Don't come all the way out here! Really, I'm okay, I swear."

I was afraid that someone had told Charlie more than he needed to know, but he didn't seem to know anything. It wasn't until later that I realized that it was because they couldn't tell him. I was no longer a minor and was fully covered under doctor-patient privilege.

"I'll decide for myself whether I'm coming to make sure my daughter's okay or not, thank you very much. What happened?"

I cringed. He was obviously peeved. It was essential that I kept him from coming out here. He would drag me back to Forks and I would end up at least a semester behind. There was something else making me feel panicky about the prospect of leaving Pittsburgh just now, even though I didn't want to admit it. As much as I still didn't want to think about the possibility of truly allowing the Cullens back into my life, there was still too much unresolved between us all as things stood. What if I didn't get to talk to Edward before Charlie got here and hauled me back out to the coast?

"I fell and ended up breaking my leg. It's not even really a break, it's just a fracture, I'll be fine."

"Yeah, like I believe that. If that's all that happened why did the school _and_ the hospital call me? Wouldn't they have discharged you from the hospital, for that matter?"

He had me there. How much more should I give away to make me believable?

"Well, I broke my arm, too." The rest flew out of my mouth. "But I'm only still here mostly 'cause they did a lot of tests to make sure I don't have internal injuries, just in case. They've mostly come back all-clear, but they want to hold me for observation anyway, just for a little while. You know, it's just hospital CYA 'n all."

There was a long, uncomfortable pause before he responded. "Yeah, all in all, I think I should come out anyway. In any case, aren't you going to have to come home? How are you going to take classes with one arm and one leg?"

"It's my left arm, and you know I'm right handed, so I'm good. It's not like I have to do acrobatics in class, all I have to do is just sit there. I have a couple friends that won't mind pushing me around too much, and I can take my own notes, so I'll be all right. I really, really don't want to get behind. You know I finally get to do an independent study next semester, and I was really counting on that time to experiment and do some really cool stuff."

I hope I had said enough to get him sufficiently distracted from discussion of my injuries.

"I dunno, Bells..."

"Dad, I will be fine, I promise. All this just means I won't be able to cook for myself for a while. The campus restaurants aren't that bad though, I'm sure I'll live."

I feigned a chuckle, hoping it would come off as reassuring.

"Alright, then," he said.

I exhaled.

"But I want to hear from you regularly—"

"Okay," I interjected.

"And you need to call your mom and tell her what you've managed to do to yourself this time."

"Uh..." No way was I going to agree to that. "I love you, Dad."

"Love you too, Bells. Please try to keep your feet underneath you from here on out."

"I'll try my best. Bye!"

Just then I saw a dainty, spiky-haired head peek around the corner. I didn't suspect she had good timing so much as she was probably just waiting patiently for me to end my call.

"Hi, Bella."

My breath caught.

"Alice?"

"I missed you," she said.

She walked towards me slowly and tentatively, as if she were afraid of me. My working hand reached up to wipe a traitorous tear from my eye. It was quickly replaced by another.

"You know, I'm pretty pissed at you over these new hobbies you've apparently picked up," she said.

She smiled at me, but the best I could manage to return via my expression was a humorless smirk. How dare she judge any of my decisions! Not to mention that it wasn't rock climbing that got me in this hospital bed so much as it was the assistance from the homicidal vampire bitch from hell. I glowered at her in frustration.

"Um, ok, let me try that again. My problem is that I'm not really sure what to say, because I'm pretty sure there's nothing that'll be enough, and definitely nothing that will change anything that's been done. But I'm really, really sorry, Bella, and I've missed you every single day."

I wasn't ready to forgive, but I didn't want her to go away either. I didn't have a response yet, but in the meantime there was no reason practical issues couldn't be addressed while I thought this through.

"Could you put your arm on my ankle, there? Yeah, just a little bit higher. Right there. Thanks. It helps."

She looked at me, speechless at my request. She was in the process of placing her other hand above the one on my ankle when I saw her eyes go unfocused. My stubborn bitterness couldn't negate my curiosity by any extent.

"What are you seeing?"

Her face flooded with relief.

"You, finally. Somehow you've been avoiding me. I haven't been able to see you at all since I started trying to home in on you yesterday. It's really been freaking me out. I see me fighting to get a dress to fit you over all of your bulky braces and casts, Bella, so obviously you're going to forgive me eventually. I hope we can get past this stage quickly, because I have no idea where I'm going to find that dress, so I need to get to work on it, pronto."

_Arrrrgh_.

While normally I'd never bet against Alice, I had managed to avoid any and all occasions that would have required me to wear a dress for nearly four years, and I couldn't think of any reason why I would break my streak now. I wondered if she were telling me the truth about that vision, or just trying anything she could to get me to cave in. I tried my best to put a poker face into play before I spoke.

"I wrote you every day, you know. Every day I wrote my bleeding heart out and pressed send, praying each time that somehow, this time, it wouldn't bounce. I thought that maybe at some point you'd find a way to call. To leave me a note, a message. Something. It just ... seems to have been so easy for you ... to go. To forget me."

She walked over towards the head of the bed and kissed me on the cheek. Then she tightened her forearms around me in a half hug.

"None of us ever _forgot you_, Bella. Not possible." She sat on the pleather-covered chair next to the bed. When she spoke again her voice was soft and subdued. "And it was anything but easy. I ... thought I had to do it, for Edward. He begged me to let you be, he ... thought it would be better for you that way. I talked myself into believing that. I tried to, at least."

I flinched at the heat that returned so quickly to my horribly throbbing ankle. She returned to the foot of the bed and replaced her hand.

"Can you tell me now? I want to know everything, I ... I need to know the worst of it, how much damage I did. I'll sit here for the next year if that's what it takes. Tell me everything that I wasn't there for."

I just looked at her, unbelieving. "What?"

"I can apologize until I'm blue in the face, but it can only mean so much when I don't even know what all I'm apologizing for. I don't know ... what all you went through. And I can't even imagine what it must have been like having no one to talk to about it." After a pause she spoke again, "and no, I'll never be blue in the face. That's the point." She smiled.

I was hesitant. I relished the opportunity to say all of it out loud, but I also realized she was manipulating me. She was intentionally giving me an excuse to get it all out, and I wasn't sure I wanted to relent. I also wasn't so sure I wanted to go through the hurt of bringing it all back to memory. It was like slicing open wounds that had just scabbed over, even if they had by no means healed.

"I'm not asking you to wallow in guilt, Alice."

What _was_ I asking? Was there a part of me that wanted them to suffer as I had? Would that make me feel better, if that were even possible?

"I know, and I know what I'm asking is hard. I think it has to happen though."

"Fine," I said with a bit of petulance. "Where do you want me to start?"

"The day ..." She was hesitant to finish her sentence. "... that we left."

I blinked. Alice had stilled herself in a chair, and now looked like a statute. It helped—I could try to imagine she wasn't really there. It was easier to talk out loud if I didn't think I had an audience. The room quieted, and it allowed me to think, to recollect. I closed my eyes and sunk back into the hard mattress before I spoke.

"I don't remember everything that happened that day—right after he left. I tried to follow him into the woods. I wandered for hours. I yelled his name until my throat was raw and I couldn't speak anymore. It was dark, I think, when I gave up. I don't really know how to describe the feeling. I never really understood why they called it heartache, I mean, wouldn't the reaction to losing someone you love be totally psychological? All the action should be in the brain, right? Now I understand perfectly well, of course. It really felt like he had attacked me. He'd ripped my skin open, reached in, and pulled my heart right out. I remember feeling confused from the sensation, feeling like I was going to bleed to death. After a few hours I remember sitting on a big rock I had stumbled into. I couldn't walk anymore, and I sat down. I gave up. I don't think I would have moved if given the choice; I could have died right there.

Sam Uley found me. I didn't know him then, but the search party sent him after me. He carried me out of the woods. I think I was looked over by a doctor, and Charlie asked me a bunch of questions, but really I don't remember much else from that night. I just remember waking up the next morning... dead. I didn't feel anything, really. I kinda miss it. It's much easier, when you've completely given up, you know. For a week or so I laid in my bed and imagined that I really was dead. Whenever I sat up, or shifted my focus, or, well, anything... that pain would come back. I would scream. Lie back down. When I would try to think about doing anything—like making myself something to eat, reading a book. I couldn't. It was like I couldn't get my brain to work right; everything was scrambled, and I just couldn't stay... coherent. I don't know how else to say it. When I figured that maybe I could complete a thought, I'd end up thinking in circles and couldn't decide on anything, or I would end up picturing him... or you, in my mind, and I'd shut down again. I would find myself praying for the dead feeling to come back. It was relief.

"A couple days later is when I went into full-blown denial. I think that after I got over the initial shock, I tried to believe that he wouldn't be able to stay away. That maybe he was hurting as much as I was, and if that were true, he would have to come back. That day in the woods must have been a bad dream or something, or, maybe he lied."

I chuckled to myself. Now there was no way I could believe that he had lied when he said he didn't want me anymore.

"I already knew that he had stolen all of my photos of him, but I wasn't convinced that you would all disappear so thoroughly. And whatever dignity I had left at that point—well, I had none. That was when I tried calling his cell; I was going to beg. I didn't have any other options. I got the disconnect notice. I called your phone, then Carlisle's. I emailed you, pleading. I sat in front of my monitor for fifteen minutes—until I got the bounced mail message. Nothing, of course. Now it seems ridiculous to think he'd be anything but thorough.

"The screaming—it was the screaming that got me out of bed. If Charlie was home, it would get his attention, and it really scared him. I could see exactly how scared he was when he looked at me. It made me feel guilty to be the reason he was afraid, so sometime during the following week, I decided to try to pretend to live. I'm still not sure how I managed it, but I made it to school. I managed to make dinner. I went through all the motions. Apparently I wasn't nearly as convincing as I had hoped I was."

A weak laugh escaped my throat. "Oh, the irony. I started sitting at your old table at lunch, because I wanted to be by myself. I think I also felt ... closer to you all, somehow. From what I've been told since, I looked just like a Cullen when I was sitting over there. I never really ate, I didn't go out, so I was paler than ever, and I looked exhausted. I always had shadows under my eyes because of the alarm clock."

I could tell she was hesitant to interrupt me, but I noticed her look at me with confusion.

"Oh. The night terrors. They're like hallucinations-cum-nightmares, and I had them whenever I slept. After a couple weeks I thought Charlie would put me in the loony bin; he really didn't know what to do. I would scream for twenty, thirty minutes straight before waking up. I started setting my alarm clock to wake me up twice in the middle of the night, to interrupt my sleep cycle and avoid the terrors. It worked most of the time, but it meant I didn't get much sleep. Now I just... let them come. I have a room by myself, so I don't really bother anyone. It just so happens that the walls are amazingly thick for a dorm, so it... works out.

"Anyway ... school helped a little bit. I couldn't focus on anything else if I really paid attention to what was going on in class. I kind of became addicted to studying because it was so much easier to not think about anything else. I went back to work. It doesn't really get much more interesting than that. Every day just kind of... began and ended. Repeat, ad infinitum."

I refocused on Alice. I could tell she was hesitant to call me out, but she did it anyway.

"I think you're skipping a lot. Something about werewolves and, well," she pointed at my injuries, "rock climbing."

I still looked forward, staring at the wall to the front of me.

"Another day, perhaps."

I didn't want to think about Jacob, let alone talk about him. I was not looking forward to the experience of talking to Jacob once he found out what happened, and figured out how to get a hold of me. I expected to pick up the phone to a barrage of worried yelling and screaming any minute now. I tried to change the subject.

"How is Jasper? Is he here?"

His head peered into the door frame. "Did I hear my name?"

I smiled. I had all but forgotten about vampiric enhanced hearing. I wondered how much of my conversation with Alice he had overheard.

"Hey there, missy." He smiled even though he looked uncomfortable. "I'd come in, but you're awfully dinged up right now. You know that open wounds and I don't mix very well."

"Yeah, it's okay, Jasper. Good to see you."

"We've all missed you, Bella."

"I've missed you, too."

I thought I noticed Alice make a hand motion. It was too fast to tell, but it looked like she was waving him away. This was confirmed when Jasper responded by ducking back out of the doorway.

Before he left, I could hear him mumble. "I'll just be out here; let you girls catch up an' whatnot."

Alice stood up and walked towards the bed. She stood on my "good" side and clasped my working hand. I had no warning for what she did next.

"Alice!" I spoke louder than I intended.

One limb at a time, Alice gently began pushing me towards the opposite edge of the hospital bed. Once I was only occupying the far two thirds of the bed instead of the center, she slowly climbed up into bed with me and lay, looking uncomfortably curled at my side.

"I'm not leaving you again, I swear it. I'm not even leaving this bed unless you tell me to go, and I'm not even leaving then unless you've forgiven me."

She looked at me with a self-satisfied smile, convinced this was going to work.

"Alright then. I can't make any real decisions right now seeing as I'm under the influence of several medications, so I guess I'll see you when I wake up." I started to close my eyes, but stopped when I heard Carlisle's and Esme's voices approaching the door. They appeared in view shortly afterwards.

"Bella!" Esme stopped and looked at Alice. "I'm sorry, Alice, I've tried to be patient, but really, now! You're taking forever."

Carlisle walked in behind her. Esme looked at me again and sighed. "Are you comfortable, dear?"

"Um, mostly," I said.

Carlisle put his hand on my ankle again, and my tensed muscles visibly relaxed. "Better now," I said.

I spoke about mundane things with Esme, Alice, and Carlisle for the next hour or so. My eyelids started to drift when I heard Carlisle speak.

"It's gotten very late, and visiting hours are technically over. While I doubt that the floor staff will give you any problems since you all are obviously here with me, Bella really does need to rest, so we should probably give her some space and go out to the waiting room."

Alice didn't budge a millimeter.

"I promised. Not moving," she said.

Esme rolled her eyes, but smiled. "Alright then, the rest of us will be close by."

I managed to get it out, though my speech was probably slurred with fatigue. "No reason why you should—" I yawned. "—stay here and be bored." I did it again, and this time it was one of those wide, ugly, gaping yawns. I was a little embarrassed. "Where is everyone else, anyway?"

Esme and Carlisle looked at each other quickly. It was Esme that spoke then. "Rosalie, Emmett, and Edward went to hunt Victoria down."

That woke me up. My eyes opened wide.

"She's dead, Bella. They got her, and there's no reason to worry about her anymore. The three of them are now retrieving your motorcycleas well as the climbing gear you were forced to leave behind, and are heading this way. You'll see them in the morning."

She placed extra emphasis on motorcycle, so I knew this wouldn't be the last I would hear about it; even in my tired haze I realized that I had been found out. The last thing I realized was that I was maybe a few hours away from seeing Edward again, and I had no idea how to handle it. Though my trepidation fought my languor hard, I had no choice than to drift off to sleep.


	12. Chapter Twelve: Frustrating Heavy

This story is written in the first-person point of view, and sometimes switches between characters by scene or chapter. (Please do not panic; I do not repeat each scene from various points of view.) I do not label my chapters with character names, subsequently, your key is thus: Chapter titles that are short & succinct are Bella's, long witticisms are Esme's; song titles are in quotes, belonging to Edward, and Rose's are questions, finished off with an interrobang (‽).

Chapter Notes:

The most formidable team this side of the pond: cookEgawd, Blackjacklily, MunkeeRajah and Detochkina. Hells yeah. Also a shout-out to KayMarieXW for the ultimate in reader support.

I want to hear from you! Please leave a review and/or say hi to ubergeekness on Twitter.

* * *

><p><strong>It's Frustrating When You Know All The Answers But Nobody Bothers To Ask You The Questions<strong>

I met them at the front doors of the hospital wing once I got the call from Rosalie saying that they were on their way. As Emmett and Rosalie walked in, I embraced both tightly. I couldn't resist the urge to touch them. I ran my hands up and down their arms after I hugged them both.

"Mother, what are you doing?" asked Rosalie.

"Sorry, I can't help it. I'm checking to make sure you're ok. All pieces accounted for and such."

They both looked at each other, then at me.

"We're in perfect condition, we swear it," Rosalie scoffed at my concern.

"I see that, I just ... I just have to check for myself, sorry," I said, relieved. "It's a maternal thing, I can't help it. Just do me the favor of humoring me. In any case, she's on the seventh floor. From the elevator hang a right, follow the corridor around, and it's the last room on the left ... but she's sleeping now. Peek in on her if you wish but please don't wake her; she just fell asleep about ten minutes ago."

Rosalie kissed me on the cheek, Emmett hugged me again, and they continued into the hospital.

Edward had been standing next to the car, waiting for them to leave before approaching. When he reached me I palmed his cheeks with my hands, and he bent down to accommodate my reach. I kissed his forehead, then I hugged him fervidly.

_I'm impressed_, I thought.

"With?" He asked.

_You've had to fight your innate nature so hard lately, and it hasn't driven you insane. You're still standing. I'm very proud of you. Don't worry though, _I smiled, _the universe is almost done challenging you. _

He looked away from me. "How can you be so certain?"

_Call it mother's intuition. It may be sheer willpower. Some things just _have_ to be. The point is just to remind you to find a little more faith, just for a while longer. It will all work out._

"And if it doesn't?" he asked.

_Not an option. _I smiled a weary, tired smile, but I tried to exude the last vestiges of my confidence along with it.

He stood there, silent, and I could tell he was warring with himself. He didn't have the capacity to realize it at the time, but soon he would start to condemn himself for relishing in the ferocity and savagery he conjured when he killed Victoria. I knew this not because they had told me how things went, but simply because I know our nature, and I know how hard Edward works to subvert and prevail over this part of himself—he has always thought that suppression was key to matching Carlisle's humane constitution. He was still a ways off from understanding that it was Carlisle's absolute acceptance of what we were that enabled him to deny that part of his self so often and so thoroughly. It was a lesson that, for Edward, would be learned slowly, and only when he was ready for it.

In the meantime I suspected that he did not dare imagine the possibility that he may be reunited with Bella soon, because the thought of failing might kill him. I had no doubt that if he did falter in his attempt to win her back it would very likely end with my son dead, and my own heart shattered. I tried not to focus on all that was on the line; instead I poured all my energy into the belief that everything would work out for the best. I grabbed him again and held him tightly.

"Thank you." I breathed. "Now go."

** "Heavy In Your Arms"**

I tried to return a faint smile. I didn't have to ask her why she was thanking me; it was typical Esme. It was for staying focused long enough to finish the job with Victoria, it was for returning home without injury, and it was for keeping my wits about me long enough to finally understand that my next task was to get off that elevator and do absolutely anything that needed to be done to convince Bella to forgive me and take me back. There was nothing I could do now but face my fate. I walked past Esme and went in.

I stood just to the right of the door to Bella's room off and on for at least three hours. It was tortuous but necessary; I had to acclimate myself to her scent again. I only left as long as needed to avoid the prying eyes and curiosity of the floor staff. Breathing became easier with each inhalation, but just as it made my tolerance better, it made my patience wane that much more. I locked my hands against the moulding around the door to keep myself from walking in, and stood there for at least another thirty minutes. I opened my eyes when I felt Esme's hand on my shoulder.

"You'll be fine. Go see her."

I took one step into the room, and it was the most insane sensation—seeing her, being this close to her—it was not far from how I imagined walking towards the presence of God would be; as if a light filled me that made me myself again. Like I had only existed in part, and I had, at that moment, started to heal into a whole. Seeing her in this state, however, stained my heavenly impression. An oxygen tube fed into her nostrils, braces and casts covered her torso and left limbs. There were cuts, bruises and stitches everywhere. None of it marred her beauty, but it did infuriate me. I tried to ignore the sharp, stabbing guilt that threatened to destroy my confidence. Once I began to take a step forward, I noticed Alice staring at me. She was hanging on to the side of the bed in a most unnatural looking way. I was instantaneously agitated; I wanted this time all to myself. A low growled escaped me.

"Um, I'd leave you two alone, but I, uh, promised."

"Promised _what_, Alice?"

I was sure my tone prompted a rushed response because she spoke too quickly for human ears. "I promised Bella that I wouldn't leave her until she told me to go."

In contrast, I spoke slowly and with a low pitch. "I am absolutely certain that standing directly outside this door still counts as not leaving."

A whistle came from Alice's direction along with a gesture that told me she would comply with my wishes. Good, she'd noticed my impatience then. I had absolutely no patience for any defiance from her.

"Okay then, I guess I'll be right over—"

Bella began to stir although she did not open her eyes. I cautioned Alice. "Careful, I don't want to wake her yet."

Alice nodded while she continued to disentangle herself from Bella, who had, in the midst of her sleep, thrown both her right arm and leg over Alice. Bella stirred again. Alice had made it to the door and was standing next to me when Bella began to whimper. The volume on the EKG machine was so low it was barely audible, but I did not need it to hear the accelerating throb of her heartbeat. It was the most familiar sound in the world to me, and right now it was also the loudest sound in the room. Alice and I both watched intently, trying to pinpoint what exactly was going on. Bella's breathing quickened, and sweat started to bead on her forehead.

"Alice, could you please go find Carlisle?"

She nodded and left. Bella whimpered louder and began to make more coherent sounds.

"No ... no, no ... no ... please ..." She begged, still in her sleep.

I was hesitant to move forward; an atmosphere of stress and shock weren't exactly the circumstances in which I wanted to reunite with her, but I couldn't stand back and watch her be in such discomfort. I stopped myself when I got close enough to feel overwhelmed by the desire to touch her.

"Please ... help." She gasped.

This was killing me. She must have been having a nightmare, and what could I possibly do to save her from her subconscious?

"Edward?"

I thought she had awakened, but her eyes were still firmly shut. Suddenly, she began to scream at the top of her lungs. The screaming was peppered with breathless pleas for help, for me.

"Edward, please, come back, help me, I need your help, please, please, please ..."

In a fraction of a second I had made my way to the side of her bed, sat on the edge, and had, as carefully as possible, shifted her upper body into my arms. I wrapped myself around her as much as I could and whispered in her ear, "Bella, it's fine, it's fine, I'm here. I have you, I'm here." I kissed her forehead and the side of her face repeatedly.

Carlisle, Alice and a nurse rushed into the room. The nurse made it impossible to explain all I saw to Carlisle as fast as I could, but I still managed to speak quickly. "Sinus tachycardia, diaphoresis, hyperthermic symptoms. It seemed like it was just a nightmare at first, but—"

Alice interrupted. "She told me earlier that she has night terrors a lot."

I shut my eyes momentarily, trying to ignore the guilty thoughts that came pouring in. How else had she suffered? Carlisle looked at Alice, then at the nurse. The nurse looked at me with incredulity. He gave an instruction to the nurse in order to send her away, then walked to the other side of Bella's bed.

He looked down at me. "As gently as you can, wake her."

"Bella?" I whispered. "Bella, it's Edward. I need you to wake up, love. Please, wake up for me." I stroked her cheek.

Her heart rate began to slow, and her eyes drifted open. It took her a minute to orient herself, but once she did she recognized Carlisle, who had moved to stand directly in her line of sight, shining a light onto her eyes. Confusion blossomed all over her face. It took another few seconds for her to realize she was being cradled, but though her eyes tried to look up at me, the neck brace prevented her from adjusting enough to see me. I kept perfectly still.

"Bella, it looks like you may have had a night terror, but I need you to confirm that," asked Carlisle. "Can you tell me if you remember anything?"

"Edward!" Relief flooded her face. She grabbed on to my shirt and tried to bury herself in my chest. I was stunned by her movement; amazed that she would so willingly accept my embrace. Soon I saw that it was too good to be true; she still wasn't completely awake. It was obvious when her awareness finally dawned; she breathed my name again, but this time there were strains of shock and disbelief. She then realized that she could look down, and recognized the hands wrapped around her were mine.

She gasped so loudly she must have inhaled half the air in the room. "Edward?"

Her heart rate skyrocketed—180 beats per minute ... then 220 ... Within another second she fainted. I looked up at Carlisle. "Add situational syncope to the list."

He frowned. "Edward, perhaps a little more time will be necessary before—" Carlisle's pity was palpable.

"Yes, I see. I'll go now."

There was no point in letting him finish; I didn't want to hear him say that I had to leave her side. Her body's reaction to me was already confirming my worst fears, and I didn't need confirmation from my father, it would only make it worse. I was angry, but there was nothing I could do to express my emotions. Just being in the same room with her upset her enough to cause her to hyperventilate and faint, and as much as I wanted to lash out at something, someone, there was no one to blame but myself. A thousand questions rang through my head:_ Would she ever want to see me? There were so many things I needed to say to her, a hundred more that I needed to convince her of, but how was I supposed to begin when she cannot stand to be near me?_

I gently lifted her just enough to get up from underneath her. I never got the chance to follow through on my intention to leave, because just as I laid her back flat against the bed, she began to regain consciousness. I was pulling away from her when she reached up and grabbed my wrist. I was a tad taken aback by the speed with which she caught me. She stared up at me, and all I could do was look longingly back down at her. A million other things went on around us, but our mutual gaze remained unbroken. There was nothing else of importance but the life I held in my embrace. I received vague impressions of activity from around me—Alice left and Carlisle readjusting Bella's oxygen flow. The nurse returning to the room with an IV of saline solution. My attention still had not waned when the nurse addressed Carlisle wearily.

"Dr. Cullen, given all that's going on, should I call her primary?"

"No, thank you, that won't be necessary. She's being transferred into my care as we speak."

"And the visitors, doctor?"

I would like to see that woman try to pull me away from this room.

"They are her family. They can stay."

The nurse nodded and left the room. Bella's heartbeat seemed louder than normal to me, a thunderous thudding, but it was steady, and I was pleased it beat at all. Once Carlisle checked her vitals one last time, he soundlessly disappeared from the room. After that, nothing existed for me but her. Filled with awe, hope, and anxiety, scared to death that at any second she might reject me, but I was certain that what shown on my face most was my desperation. Paralyzed in my fear, time stood still for me, and I remained locked in her, furrowed, disbelieving stare.

_What now?_


	13. Chapter Thirteen: He

This story is written in the first-person point of view, and sometimes switches between characters by scene or chapter. (Please do not panic; I do not repeat each scene from various points of view.) I do not label my chapters with character names, subsequently, your key is thus: Chapter titles that are short & succinct are Bella's, long witticisms are Esme's; song titles are in quotes, belonging to Edward, and Rose's are questions, finished off with an interrobang (‽).

Chapter Notes:

The most formidable team this side of the pond: cookEgawd, Blackjacklily, MunkeeRajah and Detochkina. Hells yeah. Also a shout-out to KayMarieXW for the ultimate in reader support.

I want to hear from you! Please leave a review and/or say hi to ubergeekness on Twitter

* * *

><p><strong>He.<strong>

All I knew when I opened my eyes was that something felt strangely _right._ I normally woke up in the middle of the night to alarming silence, complete darkness, and immense fear. Often I couldn't remember what had terrified me so completely in the moments before. Other times, I remembered the whole encounter. It happened often enough that I knew my terror was usually prompted by hallucinations of various vampires wanting to shove a tap in me. No, not a literal tap, but it was all the same to me considering the outcome was still usually me, still human, very dead. Whether it was Victoria, Laurent, or those three frightening, ancient vampires I only knew from a painting in Carlisle's study.

They all took their turn seeking me out, hunting me down, haunting my dreams. In any case, I had become accustomed to having to hold myself when I woke up. One arm would grasp at the other, my knees would tuck into my gut, and I would curl into a ball in my desperate attempt to self-soothe.

Sometimes it would be different; I might launch myself from my bed and immediately turn on the light. Other times were worse: I would crawl under my bed, flatten myself out and hide until I felt I had been overlooked. I never felt _safe_, however. I never even aimed for the unattainable feeling of safety. I only hid until I got the sense that immediate danger had passed, however temporarily.

Regardless of which reaction I had on any given night, each occurrence had one thing in common—I always awoke knowing I was wholly and altogether alone, in both a physical and nonmaterial way.

This time, however, before I even opened my eyes, I felt the comfort I always cried out for. In my mind I heard his voice, and I felt him embrace me. I cried out his name, wanting to immerse myself in the vivid, intense sensation of it. Consciousness began to pull me out of it even as I scrambled to stay put. In my mind I tried to find anything to grab on to, anything to stay in this state; I flailed. I would have given anything to believe this was my reality.

I succumbed to awareness. As my eyes pried themselves open, I saw Carlisle standing in front of me, turning knobs and pushing buttons on monitors. Poking and prodding. I tried to smile at him. It took a moment for me to realize I was really was being held. The arms were strong, taut like steel cables, and cold, which felt wondrously relieving against my injured bones. I remembered then that Alice promised she wouldn't leave, and I had assumed it was her. Then I looked down.

Having never had the opportunity to gawk at any naughtier bits, I spent the better part of a year memorizing every inch of his hands, his arms, his neck, his face. Even if I hadn't known his hands from memory, there was his smell. It was like our meadow at midsummer had been transported into the cramped, sterile hospital room. A chypre base with top notes of concentrated sunlight, lilac and oak; it permeated me even through the steady stream of oxygen being pumped into my lungs. This wasn't possible. None of this was.

"Edward?" the name escaped my lips before I could even consider holding my tongue.

Everything from that point happened so quickly that it was hard to put it in order. Thoughts raced through my mind.

_Is it really him? How long has he been holding me? Was he here during my terror? Did I scream? _Why_ is he holding me? _

I could see my chest heaving in a fast staccato, but I was too distracted for it to scare me. I had no time to contemplate the last question because just then he disappeared, along with everything else.

_Aggggggh!_

I was so tired of this losing consciousness crap!

My eyes opened again and I wasn't sure how many minutes had passed. All I had time to process was the feeling and sight of Edward extricating himself from me. He was pulling away, and I couldn't deal with that yet. I needed another minute. A lifetime, really, but I would settle for an extra second if I could get it. My right hand shot up and clutched his wrist. I didn't have the strength to hold on for long, and it occurred to me shortly thereafter that I probably looked desperate on top of my unsightly injuries, but I didn't care. At that moment I ignored my pride, my embarrassment, my obstinacy. The only thing that mattered was that he was standing over me, I was looking at him, and I was touching him. He was there, and I wasn't letting go without a fight. I would yell at myself later for my pathetic display. He was probably holding me down as a favor to Carlisle. Just a sterile, meaningless reaction to the childish screaming that was the result of my weakness, my inability to draw courage and keep my fear in check. It meant nothing.

I wondered then: what had happened to my self-respect, my anger, my bitterness over having been left for any number of "distractions," as he put it.

_Deal with this _later, _Swan_.

For the moment, I was utterly helpless to do anything but look at him. I refreshed my memory of every line, every surface, the direction of every strand of hair. I was frantically trying to absorb all the data. I tried to take a snapshot of how it felt to touch the smooth surface of his skin.

The hand I had around his wrist began to falter, and I struggled not to panic.

_He probably won't stay longer than however long it took me to lose my grip. He's just being helpful; he must be assisting Carlisle in some way. I'm sure he has to get back to whatever he was doing before I started freaking out._

My hand began to fall, and he caught it. He slowly guided it to the surface of the sheets, then he lifted the back of his hand to my face and began to stroke and caress my cheek. I gasped, immediately appalled at my complete inability to control myself. I felt my chest rise and fall violently, like it were being struck with a percussion mallet.

"Bella, please, if you faint again Carlisle will make me leave. Please. I don't want to have to leave you again."

_What?_ I struggled to come up with something intelligent to say, but failed. Instead I gawked at him like an idiot. My heart sped despite my wish to calm myself.

"Bella!"

His plea snapped me out of it. I tried to speak, but when I opened my mouth my throat was dry. All I could manage was a scratchy request.

"Water ..."

He grabbed a cup from a nearby tray and held it up to my lips. I drank, then took a breath. I noticed then that my neck brace had been removed and was laying on the tray with the water pitcher.

There was some part of me that would have been relieved if he had left the room. I felt like my lungs were paralyzed; I could barely breath while he was so close to me.

"I don't ... understand."

I felt foolish.

_Don't read too much into this, Swan._

"Of course you don't, and that's because I've been a complete idiot. I'm sorry, Bella, I'm sorry for leaving you. It was, by far, the worst mistake I've made in a hundred years, and I've spent every day hating myself and wallowing in regret."

I had begun to get over the stupor his presence had brought upon me, and my cheeks blushed as I felt the nagging beginnings of irritation.

_Ah, acrimony, my old friend. How nice to have you back. _

There was a difference between pining for the love that I could not have and finding out that I was forced to be without that love because he had been a total ass. It helped me find my voice again.

"That can't possibly be true, Edward." It was shocking how much easier it was to say his name now that I was in the same room with him. I couldn't help the fact that as it escaped my lips, the sound was accompanied with an overt expression of longing and lust.

"You can't expect me to believe that you've felt that way for, oh, say, three years. Three years that, for me at least, have been somewhat of a living hell. If you had felt regret, you would have come back for me long before now."

I was riding my indignation now, and some part of it felt good even though the waning, spineless part of me kept screaming _Fuck it, just shut up and focus on getting him to kiss you. Worry about the consequences later, you dolt! _

No luck; the personality traits that were represented by Isa now dominated Bella's foolishness.

"You would have come back, but you didn't. Esme told you I was here, and that makes me ... convenient. You didn't come back on your own accord."

He started to open his mouth, but he closed it when I went on.

"In fact, I would argue that you never really, truly loved me at all. I've talked to Alice, to Emmett. They've described love from the vam—" I realized that I had no idea who else could be near. "—from your family's perspective. They describe it as all-encompassing. Absolute. I don't understand how you could possibly feel that way about me and leave me. It doesn't compute. You're just using me as a _distraction. _

He looked as if I'd kicked him where it would hurt a human male, and kicked him _hard_.

"Please, Edward, please don't lie to me. It's downright cruel of you to say this to me now. You've already made it clear that you don't really want me, and I've done my best to deal with that, so I don't need you coming in here now and pouring salt in my wounds. I ... I don't even understand why you'd do this. I never thought you'd be this heartless."

His face had gone from contrite to anguished and I didn't have a clue why, because I figured it couldn't be from me calling him out on his bullshit. In any case, I was too deep in my own anger and self-pity to think straight at that point. I had gotten my longed for moment with Edward, and now that it was over, it was time for me to get back to figuring out how to muddle through my existence again—only this time weighed down by casts and braces.

"I lied, Bella." The words come from his lips accompanied by a sense of breathless, windedness. He moved to sit at my side on the edge of the bed.

"About?"

"About not wanting you. In my implication that I didn't love you ... and after my telling you so many times how I loved you, and how deeply I loved you ... you believed me so easily."

I raised an eyebrow. So far, the reality of the situation seemed to have bared out my point of view, so I still failed to see why I shouldn't have believed him.

"I wish I could adequately describe ... it's exactly the overwhelming, all-encompassing nature of our love that made me leave you. When there's nothing more important than you, nothing more important than keeping you safe ... I felt like I had no other choice. I just wanted you to live a normal human life. I wanted to save you from this existence, because I didn't feel you could possibly understand what you would be giving up just to be with me. I didn't feel I was worth it. I still don't, but I can't stay away from you any longer."

"Oh, you can't stay away from me anymore? Really? I think I've heard that one before."

I recalled cryptic lunchroom conversations that, once upon a time, nearly drove me mad. I stared intently at Edward. He was nearly indestructible, so why did his countenance resemble that of a man who was drowning?

"Bella, please just hear me out. I swear, I left you only because at the time I thought it was the best thing for you. I was absolutely wrong, and my actions are entirely condemnable. If you don't forgive me, I'll understand. It won't stop me from trying until the end of time to convince you to take me back, but I'll understand. I was always one step away from showing up on your doorstep, but I had convinced myself that coming to you would be the most selfish, irresponsible thing I could do. I had no idea. I have lied to you, but it was then, not now, and I swear to you that it will never happen again."

I looked away from him. I didn't think I could manage to think straight while watching him beg.

"There is nothing on this earth I love more than you, and I've driven everyone mad trying to keep you safe ... and put you through god knows what ... Bella, please ... No, I didn't try to find you—I still believed I was right up until Esme told me what you had gone through, what my decision has put you through—but honestly, I was always on the verge."

"On the verge is not _at my door. _On the verge isn't enough."

He moved to stand over the bed, not stopping until his face was less than an inch from mine. I felt his breath wash over me. This, I had managed to forget: the effect he could have by looking at me, by being close to me. I used to say he _dazzled_ me, but right now I felt it was more like being drugged against my will.

"You're not playing fair, Edward."

"I have no intention of playing fair. I told you, I'll do anything." His gaze intensified. "Anything."

I discovered that not every part of me was fractured as I felt a rush of warmth within. My cheeks flushed and my heart, now accustomed to my highly variable excited state, hastened its beating.

He looked at me tensely. "Tell me what you're thinking."

I was embarrassed, and I hated that question. I responded angrily. "If I wanted you to know, I would have told you."

He looked dejected.

"Is there ... someone else?"

I sighed.

"No, Edward. There could never be anyone else. Ever. I'm not sure how you don't already understand that. Though I may have become thoroughly accustomed to being alone. In any case it's not that. It's that ... I don't know ... What the hell, Edward? Am I really supposed to be able to process all of this now? It's been three years! I know that's a drop in the bucket to you, but to me it's a good long chunk of a lifetime!"

I needed space to think. It was as if my will were being sapped in direct correlation to his proximity. The closer he stood, the less I could form a coherent thought.

"I'm sor—"

Two words I did not want to hear. They wouldn't solve anything. A glare from my direction made him close his mouth again.

"I don't know how to trust you, Edward. Hell, I don't know if I can trust anyone around here. Where the hell is Alice, anyway? She swore that—"

I noticed Edward raise an eyebrow, presumably at my language.

"Oh, get over it; I've thoroughly broadened my vocabulary to include more colorful words over the past few years."

"I don't particularly care how you speak, Bella. I'm mostly just disappointed you're thinking about Alice when I'm so thoroughly focused on convincing you how much I need you. I need to hold your complete attention and I'm failing at keeping it. To answer your question, she's right outside the door, and the only reason she's there is because I told her I'd rip her arms off if she didn't give me some time alone with you."

"So wait, are you saying that now _I'm_ the one that's easily distracted?"

I added extra vitriol behind my words. I was still deeply bitter over everything he said in the woods that day. I would probably never forget the day that Edward, in prime bastard form, told me that I would, in time, forget all about him. When I asked about his memories of me, he implied I shouldn't worry, because his kind was "easily distracted."

He looked thoroughly chastened. I went on.

"And how could you threaten Alice?"

"My god." He looked at me with incredulity and shame. "Do you remember absolutely everything I said that day?"

I nodded.

"Then you should also recall I told you that your own memory was like a sieve. I was obviously wrong about that. As far as being distracted, it was yet another part of my lie. I've focused on you twenty-three out of twenty-four hours in every day. The rest of the time I've needed to have enough focus to walk in straight lines, answer direct questions, and hunt occasionally. Believe me when I say I've given up those collective hours very unwillingly. As far as Alice is concerned, I told you. You're my only priority. She had to go."

I heard Alice's voice from the other side of the door, "It's okay, Bella, I'll get him back later. I'm right here, though! Not going anywhere."

Edward emitted a low grumble.

She spoke louder. "Still not going any farther!"

I wondered if there were any other Cullens standing within hearing range besides Alice.

"Maybe we should continue this conversation a little later?" I asked. I needed time anyway; I had to figure out how to reconcile what he was saying to me now with what his prior actions said.

"If you insist, but first I have to do one more thing."

I just stared at him. "What would that be?"

A minute before he had backed off a little and stood up straight, but now he leaned over again, and with every inch he closed in on me, my heart raced faster. His lips brushed against my bottom lip and I inhaled. I closed my eyes as if this would all disappear when I reopened them, but felt the pressure as he pressed both of his lips against mine. I took another breath in through my nose when he lifted, as I didn't dare move my lips. He came at me again and showered my lips with quick, delicate kisses. He gently held my neck still with his hand while his kisses traveled down my collarbone, punctuated by a gentle kiss at the top of my breastbone. I was gasping. Before I could truly catch my breath, he took my lips again. There was heat, desperation and longing there, and I felt it with his touch. His kisses had never been that passionate with me before, when he treated me like an overgrown porcelain doll. I was acutely aware of his teeth toying with a gentle nibbling of my bottom lip, and it shocked me.

I didn't have a choice anymore; I reached with my right arm to cling to him and pushed myself into the kiss with as much energy as I could muster. He caught my hand and clasped it, pulling it between us. He parted from me, and put the hand that wasn't joined to mine flat against my heart, to feel the rhythmic pounding.

I gasped again. "Not. Fair."

**END OF ACT TWO**


	14. Chapter Fourteen: The Desert

**Hi, everyone. A couple points today ... **

**I stopped getting FFN notifications and didn't realize it until just yesterday, so my apologies to anyone that I didn't get to thank for your kind reviews and taking the time to drop me a line, even if it's just to let me know you're reading and enjoying.**

**Here we are at the beginning of Act III; thanks for sticking it out with me. This week's chapter is a bit of a departure from the normal tone of the story, and there was some discussion regarding posting this as an outtake, but I think it's an important point of insight as to what Bella's nights are like and it sets up a few future scenes, so it's here. Besides, I did promise to let you guys know my version of what happened with James. :) **

**Sorry I went AWOL last week. Today will be a double-post (so be aware!) because of the nature of chap. 14, and I'm going to try to post an additional chapter later in the week to make up for missing last week's post, depending on beta availability. :) **

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><p>This story is written in the first-person point of view, and sometimes switches between characters by scene or chapter. (Please do not panic; I do not repeat each scene from various points of view.) I do not label my chapters with character names, subsequently, your key is thus: Chapter titles that are short &amp; succinct are Bella's, long witticisms are Esme's; song titles are in quotes, belonging to Edward, and Rose's are questions, finished off with an interrobang (‽).<p>

Chapter Notes:

The most formidable team this side of the pond: cookEgawd, Blackjacklily, MunkeeRajah and Detochkina. Hells yeah. Also a shout-out to KayMarieXW for the ultimate in reader support.

_I want to hear from you! Please leave a review and/or say hi to ubergeekness on Twitter_

* * *

><p><strong>Desert.<strong>

_It was happening to me again. I was helpless in my desert. I was not awake._

I am relaxed and staring into the dark sky, the deep cries of the crackling thunder exciting me. I am relaxed no more. Now their heads turn; they are all looking at me with fear and alarm. Edward looks at me, regret and an apology on the wind. The once intense and beautiful sky has become baleful, the thunder a potential death rattle. I stand next to him, and my hair is blowing across my face when they arrive. It is whipping hard and it is obscuring my eyes, but I am too afraid to tuck my hair behind my ear because he has told me to let it down, let it shield me. Alice says it will not work, they can smell me regardless, but I hope. Everything happens so quickly, but time slows enough for me to see evil walk towards me with a feline gate. I hear names; Laurent, Victoria, James. I am too afraid to register which name belongs to whom. The wind changes, and the breeze hits me from behind. The next thing I know he is lunging towards me, snarling. Edward is suddenly in front of me, crouched, with a growl the likes of which I have never heard before forced out from his mouth. The sound is so loud it takes over everything in my consciousness. It radiates and reverberates all around me until it fades. Then the colors of twilight and gray sky turn pale.

I fall back into my cloud of insensate slumber.

_It was later, but I could recognize that I was in the Gobi, wandering. No beginning and no end in sight. Nothing but sand in every direction. I knew then that it would be a long, restless night._

The color saturates my vision again, and I find that I am yelling. I am yelling at him, the object of my obsession, and it takes me a second to remember why.

I beg, "No! Edward! No, you can't do this."

He tries to quiet me, but I can't let him. My father could be in danger, I could be putting them all in danger, and the plan makes no sense. I plead my case to the woman in the front seat, the one who is small in stature but looks as if she were made of pure strength forged from braided wire.

"Alice, please, listen!"

We are still racing off to who knows where at what feels like the speed of light, but the faster I can make my point the sooner we can turn around. She looks at me.

"Edward, pull over."

He looks at her with vexation, and presses harder upon the gas pedal. She tries again, and I am grateful.

"Edward, let's just talk this through," she says.

Her voice is steady, but it has none of the chiming quality I have become accustomed to. The tone is soft but serious ... and threatening.

"I heard what was in his mind—he's a tracker, and it's his passion. I set him off, and now he wants her, Alice, _her._"

He says the words as if he cannot really conceive of anyone daring to try to take me away from him.

"The hunt begins tonight, and I have to get her away from here."

Resolve emanates from him. His voice is chilled, and it shakes my confidence, but I am not going to leave my father to die because of this unholy composite of my decisions and sheer bad luck. I find sound from somewhere deep within.

"He'll come looking for me! He might kill Charlie in the process! I'm not leaving Charlie vulnerable like this!"

There is more conversation. Emmett argues that that the tracker is no match for us. Edward refuses to listen; he argues that they will have to kill him, as if this is a bad thing.

"It doesn't make sense to hide me!" I scream at the top of my lungs, tired, panicked, and desperate.

It gets their attention.

"If the hunt is what he wants, taking me away to anywhere is just giving him exactly what he craves. If he's hellbent on getting me, he will find me. If my scent doesn't give me away, something else inevitably will. Edward, you insist that he can't be talked out of hunting me. If that's true, then there's only one way to end this! If you take me away you split up the group and lose the advantage of your combined numbers, your home court advantage, and you place us all on the defensive when you _should_ have the tactical edge here! Think about it, please," the words roll off my tongue, fear pushing me to speak faster than I ever have before, "it makes no sense to leave Forks. You stay, and you take the wind out of his sails, protecting me and Charlie becomes more manageable, and his options are minimized. You frustrate him because he can't give chase. Make him wait, and eventually he'll get lazy. Sloppy. He _will_ make a mistake. It's inevitable."

"Actually, the kid's got a point ... several of 'em." Emmett is impressed, and I am insulted. Did he think so little of my capacity for logical, rational thought?

The car slows, but Edward has not stopped. I have had enough.

"Turn around." I speak with all the anger and determination I can muster through my fear.

The car stops.

Then the car, and everyone in it, disappear.

_I did not know how much time had passed. That is the way sleep works; I thought of it as being stranded in the desert of my mind. Whether I encounter a night terror or just a run of the mill, ordinary, household nightmare, they are oases. A cruel joke of hope when I am at my most despondent. I only wake up after I have given up, lain down in the burning sand that has rubbed me raw, and I see the sandstorm approaching me; it is telling me then that my time is done, my destruction guaranteed. _

_My sandstorm had not yet approached. I was not finished. Colors flooded my vision again._

We are in my bedroom, and Alice and I are communicating, but not talking. She writes to me, in case the one who hunts me is listening. He is always close. This time she has a plan. Her visions have told her it will work.

We walk into the woods, just beside my home. Charlie is at work. I hope that this will be done, one way or the other, before he returns home. My love is waiting nearby, along with his family, but they cannot get too close, lest they scare him. We know that we have to be careful, this is our only foreseeable chance. Alice and I start talking aloud. I am not a good actress, but it will do. We argue. It is a mock fight, otherwise he will not believe that she has left me alone, unguarded. I beg her not to leave me; this time, it is not acting. I am afraid, and it comes out in my pleas. She kicks dirt in my direction, intentionally missing me by an inch. She tells me that I can die for all she cares. I am unworthy and ungrateful. Part of me thinks there is a truth to this. I know these are fake daggers she attacks with, but I hurt anyway.

She is recalculating the vision with every step she takes further into the woods. Neither of us want to be separated too much. I am so focused on trying to hear her long diminished footsteps that I do not hear him coming. I am flying, and I have forgotten everything in the sensation of being rocketed through the wind—until everything around me stops. Or perhaps it is I who have stopped? My body craters the ground around me, and there is pain permeating every limb. It spreads into my core, and then it is everywhere. Nothing is untouched. Rising through the collective of pain, I feel pressure on my wrist; a stinging sensation that echoes through me. It hints at torture, at fire. Alarm soars through me, but it wavers. The flames in my arm die down, and I hear voices now. Alice. Edward. My senses hyper-aware, I can feel that it is Edward who picks me up. I can register his smell, but this is not what tells me it is him. He yells at Alice. I hear something about distractions and a girl; I think they are talking about the redhead. She interfered. She is near. She is watching.

I can smell something sickeningly sweet burning; it is like a vat of cinnamon mixed with vanilla and an entire field of lavender. It makes me retch, but after I can hold myself together, he picks me up and holds me tight as he walks away with me in his arms.

Even in my sleep I can never forget the smell of roasting vampire.

_I heard the roar of it. In the haze of the heat I remembered that they call this kind of sandstorm a haboob. It was in view now, just on the horizon. But it was not here yet._

I wake, but I am still tired. My father stands over me, and Carlisle is shining a light in my eye. I think that Tyler has just missed me with his van, but no, that is not right. That was a long time ago. And I am in pain. Carlisle moves, and I notice he is bandaging my wrist. He is doing it quicker than he has to. I realize he is trying to hide the bite mark from my father. I remember now—I remember what has happened. The evil that was James threw me and tried to bite me before he burned. I remember the important part: that he burned. I try to focus but the lights are bright. I see worry on my father's face. I hear the story from Carlisle while I am still assessing my pain. Apparently I have been chased by a wild animal while hiking. I have fallen from a short cliff, I have broken my right leg, and I have bruised ribs. None of it is true. _I_ broke nothing; the breaking was done _to _me. I am content though. My father is smiling at me, therefore he is not hurt. Carlisle is standing next to me, so Edward must be near. It is over.

_The pain I felt in my right leg still ached as I walked through my desert. It was the Patagonian now; I was freezing and the air was painfully thin, like breathing in the midst of a vacuum. I did not know how the desert changed while my head was buried in the sand, I only knew that sometimes that is how dreaming worked. The haboob was advancing upon me now. I only had time to realize that the pain in my right leg, the pain from James' attack, had somehow moved; my left leg now throbbed. The storm was here now, and it hit me with a gale force wind. I welcomed it. It meant I was done for the night. _


	15. Chapter Fifteen: The Interloper

Here's the 2nd of (possibly 3) promised chapters this week. I think it'll be a fun one. :)

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><p>This story is written in the first-person point of view, and sometimes switches between characters by scene or chapter. (Please do not panic; I do not repeat each scene from various points of view.) I do not label my chapters with character names, subsequently, your key is thus: Chapter titles that are short &amp; succinct are Bella's, long witticisms are Esme's; song titles are in quotes, belonging to Edward, and Rose's are questions, finished off with an interrobang (‽).<p>

Chapter Notes:

The most formidable team this side of the pond: cookEgawd, Blackjacklily and Detochkina. MunkeeRajah will hopefully be back next week (hopefully she's not buried under some avalanche up there in the great uber-white north) and again, a shout-out to KayMarieXW for the ultimate in reader support.

_I want to hear from you! Please leave a review and/or say hi to ubergeekness on Twitter_

* * *

><p><strong>The Interloper.<strong>

I awoke in the hospital bed, unmotivated to move, content to stare at the ceiling for a long while. I was still tired, so it didn't take me long to realize that I had spent most if not all of my night living through nightmares. I continued to lay, trying to remember what haunted me through the evening. I was sure I stayed like that for at least an hour. Eventually, I pulled it out of my memory; it was the nightmare of James hunting me. That one occurred less frequently these days, but was still a classic as far as my nightmare repertoire was concerned.

I finally took a moment to look around the room. It was empty, save for myself and the incessantly annoying machines, and I wondered where everyone had gone. Even though I was curious, I was glad for the space, the quiet. It didn't matter how much I loved or missed the glut of Cullen-kind, I had become used to having my room and a surplus of solitude. The happenings of the last few days were still greatly overwhelming me.

I was taking one last minute to appreciate the silence when the memory of all that occurred yesterday began to seep in. I promptly began to recall the feeling of his lips on mine, a ghost sensation that I wasn't sure I would be able to forget once it had come to mind. I forced myself to try anyway.

_That couldn't have been what it appeared to be at the time. That isn't possible. Besides, he couldn't possibly have the gall to think a kiss would—_

_It doesn't matter. There's no point in thinking about this. I was delusional. Out of my mind. Probably drugged up. Time to let it go, Swan._

I saw someone peeking through the crack in the door at me. One wide eye stared at me, a perfectly sculpted eyebrow arched over it, along with half of a very pale face. The light in the room caught Alice's eye at an angle that made it appear a fulvous color, though it quickly shifted to a tone closer to butterscotch butterscotch once she took another step forward into the room. She smiled at me, and I smirked back. Seeing her again was a strange sensation, somehow even more surreal than the first time, on my first day at Forks High. My brain was alternating between disbelief that she was actually here and thinking that I had finally gone mad. It made me think that perhaps I had everything out of order; maybe Victoria found me, I fell off the rock, and I've hallucinated every interaction with a Cullen ever since. That seemed far more likely than what my memory told me had actually occurred.

I could see her better and process it all far clearer than I could yesterday. Pain and discomfort hindered my ability to take anything in beyond the bare minimum, so now that I was feeling a little better it was like seeing through new eyes. Something just under my consciousness registered a mild unease when I took in her whole stature. It was as if the brain, after having been away from her for so long, expected to see her look differently. My mind expected change, however minute, and there was none. Exactly the same Alice, petite in stature but still with that strange solidity she always managed to emanate. Her skin not only looked like carved alabaster gypsum, but somehow managed to look like normal flesh and yet still evoke the properties of rock: solid, substantial, and carved by conchoidal fracture. I laughed quietly when I remembered that when I had first met Alice it all boiled down to the impression that she could be the sweetest person you'd ever met, or your worst enemy if you ever got on her bad side. Good to know my instincts were correct.

My image of solid, gypsum Alice was shaken by dissonance when I saw her move towards me; every step marked by a lithe, light bounce that recalled nothing of rock, but of prima ballerina perfection.

"So, just for the record, how far can you be away from me and still be considered 'by my side'?"

"Don't be mean, Bella, I came bearing good news." Her voice chimed. "And since you ask, I haven't been further than the nurse's station, and you know I only left because Edward threatened bodily harm."

If I recalled correctly, Edward's will was what prompted her to leave the first time as well. The analogous nature of the two scenarios did not escape me, but I kept my mouth shut. I wanted to ask where he was but my pride had managed to hold fast; I didn't want to admit that I longed for him to be within eyesight whenever possible.

"Uh-huh, I'll keep that in mind. What's the good news?"

She danced over to hug me. Force of habit caused me to try to reach up into the hug and a sharp, acute pain that arched up my spine reminded me why that was a bad idea.

"Your kind, generous doctor says we get to spring you out of here today; Carlisle's signing your discharge papers now."

I couldn't help but form a broad smile at that. I never quite understood how people actually recovered in such a sterile, boring environment.

"Which ... brings me to what we need to talk about."

I raised an eyebrow; she sat on the edge of my bed.

"You may have been spared the annoyance of hard casts, but you're still rather inflexible for the moment. You'll need help with some things."

"I'll manage," I grumbled, "somehow."

"Bella, be reasonable!"

"What? Really, I'll manage."

I had no choice. I had no idea how exactly, but I knew I had to find a way, and for the moment just knowing was enough for me. I hoped that maybe the power of sheer pig-headedness would get me through.

"Alright, then, could you do me a favor and get yourself a cup of water? The pitcher is on the bathroom sink."

A corner of her mouth turned upward and I could almost feel the smugness. If felt like the onslaught of failure. I shooed her off the bed, and lifted my intact right leg to swing it off the side of the bed. I used my right arm to pull the rest of me over so that my foot could stand firmly on the floor. It hurt like hell. I managed to get myself upright, but I was balancing on one leg when I realized I was stuck where I stood.

"I need a crutch or something."

I stood straighter. I was losing my confidence, but once again my obstinacy had come to the rescue, even though I knew I was fighting a losing battle.

"You can't use a crutch. Using a crutch to support your left leg would require using your left arm, and if you hadn't noticed, your left arm is currently indisposed."

"Fine." I huffed. "What exactly is it you're proposing?"

"I think you should stay at the house with us; you know any one of us will take you where you need to go. We need to see your schedule to figure out who'll wheel you from—"

"Wheel me?" It hadn't even occurred to me that I would be stuck in a wheelchair in addition to these stupid braces. I soon recognized my stupidity.

"Oh. Duh. Sorry, you were saying?"

"Of course Edward is probably going to want to use any excuse to monopolize you, but I'll always be close since you need me for bathroom trips and showers and—"

I could feel my cheeks redden at the realization of future embarrassment. Nurses had been helping me over the past two days, but I had hoped that by the time I left I would have enough mobility to at least take care of hygienic duties on my own. I started to second guess the wisdom of leaving.

"Am I really ready to get out of here or is it just that my student med insurance sucks rocks?"

Thankfully, Alice knew my question was rhetorical, and didn't answer. I sat back down onto the bed. I was already exhausted from balancing on my good leg. It may not have been broken, but it was still battered and bruised, and I was fatigued from lack of sleep. I was distressed, and I was sure it showed on my face.

"Bella, what's wrong?"

I had no idea how to respond.

"Well, I ... I really don't want to sound, um, ungrateful ..."

A painful memory of another conversation with Alice came to mind when I heard myself say the word aloud, but I went on.

"But I—my room is kinda—well, it's my home. At least here it's my home, and I'm kinda, um, uncomfortable leaving it. Not to mention I'd feel really weird, the invalid in a house of super-abled persons ... and Jasper—" I was on a roll coming up with excuses on the fly. "I wouldn't want to make him uncomfortable or stressed in his own home. I just—uh, think it would be better if—"

She looked at me with a pitying expression.

"So what you're saying is that your loss of independence is disturbing you, leaving your dorm would make it worse, and you're not quite comfortable re-inserting us back into your life so completely yet, so staying at the Manor Cullen is out?"

I was starting to remember why she was once my best friend. I nodded meekly.

"The Manor Cullen?"

"Oh, it's just what Emmett calls the house. It'll make more sense when you see it ... eventually. It's okay, Bella, really. I'll work around you. If me staying with you is okay, I won't take up much space. I'll need to use your desk and chair occasionally, but I don't need a bed of course, and you'll kind of come attached to your own chair for awhile anyway."

It would still be a big change from my constant solitude, but I couldn't really argue, and it certainly wasn't the worst scenario I could be thrown into.

"You'd do that? It's ... I'm ... not too much trouble?"

"Of course not! I'm just glad we've gotten that settled. Now we need to get you clothed. What you were wearing on Saturday was cut off of you when you were admitted, so I need to know which dorm room is yours so I can go grab something for you to wear back to campus—"

We heard a low, but nonetheless very inhuman snarl. Alice's head turned. I tried to move, but went nowhere. I was stuck due to the fatigue from my earlier efforts. I heard voices: I could make out Edward's, Esme's, and Carlisle's. I spoke normally, hoping that someone with superhuman hearing would be paying enough attention to me to answer.

"Uh, heloooo? Who's out there imitating our fine friends of the animal kingdom?" I asked.

All I got in return was a nasty, growling retort. It was almost too low to hear.

"Get out of my way."

I didn't think that was directed at me. I heard another voice: Edward's.

"You take one more step towards her room and I will gladly separate your spine from its column, and that will only be the first thing I do, dog."

_Oh, shit. _

"Edward, calm yourself! Let's work this—" I thought it was Esme, now.

"Jacob? Is that Jacob?" Was this why I hadn't received a phone call yet?

He yelled, and I wasn't sure why the entirety of the hospital ward's staff hadn't heard this and responded to the ruckus by now.

"Bella, call off your goddamned guard-suckers so I can see you!"

_Double shit. _

"Um, guys, it's okay, please let him through." I knew they would hear me even though I seemed to be the only person using my "indoor" voice.

I heard the sound of rubber scuffing against linoleum floors right before he appeared in the doorway.

"Bella, are you all rig—"

"Oh for the love of all that's holy! Could you _please_ keep your voice down?" Alice looked at him, the wrinkles of a scolding scowl marring her normally smooth face.

Once he got a look at me, his eyes widened and his skin turned a bright, red umber color that I could swear spread from his fingertips to his scalp before my eyes.

I so don't need this stress today.

He walked in, carefully sidestepping Alice and ignoring her at the same time.

"Um, Jacob ..." I looked at him warily. "Calm down, please ... 'cuz dude, if you fursplode on me in this hospital room, it'll be wholly and totally horrible. Besides, it's not as bad as it looks."

He tried to shove the words through his anger. "What ... happened ... to ... you?"

Alice looked thoroughly pissed.

"Bella, I'm going to leave you to, uh, handle this. If you'd be so kind: Mudge House ...?"

"Oh! Sorry. One-oh-three. Mudge B103. Right tower, second suite on your left."

She left quickly, but I could swear she held her finger against her nose on the way out, as if something smelled badly. I pulled my hospital gown up to my nose for a body odor check, but got nothing particularly offensive to my senses. Now that Alice had gone I tried to hurry with my explanation, hoping that clarification would quell his fury.

"Um, Victoriafoundme."

"What?"

"It was inevitable, we both know that. I was out climbing the other day and she was waiting at the top for me. The injuries are from my bold, daring, courageous, McGyver-like escape attempt." I gave a crooked, bruised smile and twisted in my bed to show off my trophy back braces.

"Being the stunt double is not a glamorous life, so I wouldn't recommend it. You may fare better than me, though. Your mileage may vary, et cetera, et cetera," I said.

I was using my best lines trying to elicit the old Jacob wide grin, but nada so far. He stood there and just looked at me for another minute, taking it all in.

"So those fang-faces out there didn't have anything to do with it? Where is the redheaded leech now? What are they doing here, and why didn't you tell me they're here?"

"Do you stay awake at night trying to think up new, inventive, insulting euphemisms for vamps, Jacob?" I sighed. "And no, _the Cullens_ didn't have anything to do with this."

Jacob didn't need to know just how Victoria had found me.

"Victoria's dead, and it just so happens that two thirds of the Cullen gang recently started studying at my school. I didn't find out they were here until the day before I went climbing—not that I'm obligated to tell you."

Actually, I felt totally obligated to tell him. He and Sam Uley's pack were the ones that missed many nights of sleep patrolling my home in the middle of the night when Victoria threatened from just beyond.

Hoping that it would redeem me from my arrogance, I whispered, "I was going to tell you anyway though. I just hadn't gotten around to it. I was a bit busy getting slammed into the face of a large rock, in case you hadn't noticed."

His face went expressionless with the exception of a quick, angry twitch of his lip.

"You're allowing them here." It was an accusation.

I could argue that I had no power over them; they were here on their own accord, and there was nothing I could do about it, but that would, to whatever extent, be a lie.

"Yes."

His eyes narrowed.

"Unfinished business," I said.

"And after that's done?"

"I don't know."

"After all they've done to you?"

His words hurt. They made me stupid and naïve, then weak-willed on top of that. I pushed the sensation away, because it wouldn't change my decision, especially after Edward's visit yesterday. I needed to know why things had happened as they did, and I couldn't be settled until I fully understood the motives of everyone involved. The least I could do would be to own up to the choice I had made.

I set my jaw and put on my poker face. "Yes, after all they've done to me."

He started to say something else, but stopped himself. He knew me well enough to know that whatever his next objection could be, it would fall on deaf ears. He peered at me for a moment before speaking.

"Did you just refer to my phasing as _fursploding?"_

The classic Jacob grin appeared, and I knew all would be well for now.

"What the hell are you doing here anyway, Jake?"

His eyes narrowed and he cocked his head towards the door, but he didn't say anything to acknowledge what he'd heard. I knew I hadn't heard the last of his objections to the Cullens' presence.

"You may have talked your dad into staying home, but this is me, Bells. I knew something was up that you weren't saying, and I convinced him that I should come out here and check it out."

I heard a soft, low growl from outside the room. Jacob turned to look towards the door and growled back.

"Jesus, will you two CUT IT OUT? What is this, 'Animal Planet'?"

Jake didn't look embarrassed at all. I ignored his lack of shame and went on.

"Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to see you, but you're starting college next semester. You don't need to be spending money on plane tickets to get out here!"

"Eh, it's ah'ight, Bells. Your dad paid for half since I'm acting as his spy, and the other half is from my earnings as your Executive Assistant of Operations. Geez, it's not like I'm destitute or anything."

He referred to the process of helping me mail my climbing equipment out as being my Executive Assistant. I once suggested the title of Head Lackey, but he turned it down.

"Uh-huh. Well, then. How long are you staying? Aren't you missing school now? Jeez, Jake, it's your last semester!"

Having been forced into a educational hiatus due to the discovery of his shapeshifting genes and the subsequent transformation that turned his entire life upside down, Jacob ended up one semester behind when he would have normally graduated. He was going to start classes at Western Washington University in Port Angeles in the spring.

"It's fiiiiine. I can miss eleven days before the administration starts whining about it, and my principal was nice enough to say he'd have all my teachers email me whatever assignments I'm going to miss. I wasn't planning on missing more than a couple days anyway, but now that I see those overgrown mosquitoes are out there, I'm not going anywhere until I've assured myself that you're safe. So ..." He started doing the math in his head. "Eleven school days max, I should save myself one for an emergency, that's two weeks. Yep. I'll be here two weeks."

I could have sworn I heard a sinister noise from outside the door, but I was afraid to acknowledge it.

Jacob yelled, "Can we get some friggin' privacy around here? Thanks, appreciate it." He said, mockingly. He began to grumble under his breath. "Filthy bloods—"

"SO ... where are you staying while you're here?"

No one from Forks had ever visited me here at school, and the idea was somewhat exciting to me, even though the timing was horrible. I knew I wasn't going to get rid of him, so I may as well look at the bright side.

"Well, as I said, I'm not destitute, but I do have to pay for books next semester ... and, well, eat ... sooooo ..." The rest came out in a rush. "I was hoping I could stay with you."

"There is no possible way that's going to happen, you tactless son of a bi—" I heard from Edward, still out somewhere in the hallway.

"Edward!" I had never heard Esme sound more stern. "Sit. Down."

"Jake! Alice is going to be around a lot while I'm healing, and my room is like, eight feet by ten feet ... and that's me being generous! My bed's only wide enough to fit me, and you're what, six-six? Six-feet-eight? I doubt you'll even fit in the space once you lay straight."

"No worries, Bells!" His brand of easy jubilance remained unfettered, even though I knew that his discovery of the Cullens' return had to be upsetting him. "I can sleep on the floor. I'll make it work. I don't even need a blanket. I won't be any trouble, I swear."

"Jacob Black, I know you care about me, and I love you too, but this is soooo unnecess—"

"Look, I'm not going anywhere until I know you'll be safe from those damned vampire bats, and it doesn't much matter what you say to get me to go away. I'll sleep outside your dorm if I have to."

I sighed. I knew I would hear about this later. I had forgotten what it felt like to be around people, especially people who might object to the happenings in my life. It had been a while since I left the nest of my dad's home. I started thinking about the likelihood that at least one if not two or three Cullens would have something to say about Jacob staying with me, I realized that autonomy was never a bad thing, and I sorely missed it right about now.

"Fine, Jake. I'm really not sure how we're going to make this work, though."

I heard several groans from the hall.

"It'll work, I promise!"


	16. Chapter Sixteen: The Tallest Man

This story is written in the first-person point of view, and sometimes switches between characters by scene or chapter. (Please do not panic; I do not repeat each scene from various points of view.) I do not label my chapters with character names, subsequently, your key is thus: Chapter titles that are short & succinct are Bella's, long witticisms are Esme's; song titles are in quotes, belonging to Edward, and Rose's are questions, finished off with an interrobang (‽).

Chapter Notes:

The most formidable team this side of the pond: cookEgawd, Blackjacklily, Detochkina and MunkeeRajah, who's back (whoohoo!). Don't forget my shout-out to KayMarieXW for the ultimate in reader support.

Chapters Sixteen and Seventeen are coming this week, for sure, so don't forget to read both.

Thanks for hanging in there with me. :)

* * *

><p><strong>"The Tallest Man, The Broadest Shoulders"<strong>

I sat in a chair in a small waiting area down the hall from her room. I stayed here, still and pretending to be calm, only because I was being forced to. Emmett was holding my neck in a vice-tight grip, restraining me, but making it appear as if we were engaging in normal, brotherly play. Esme had planted herself in front of me, so closely that I couldn't stand without violently knocking her out of the way, and Carlisle was just off to her side, a warning look in his eye. Emmett grinned at me, but Carlisle and Esme were both busy, screaming at me in their minds.

The first came from Carlisle. _Edward, get a hold of yourself! Esme already warned you that Bella's best friend is a Quileute wolf, so you should have prepared yourself for this eventuality. It probably has little bearing on your relationship with her, so calm down!_

Esme thought, _Relax. We'll find a way to figure this out, but in the meantime you may be scaring Bella off with your aggression. She doesn't need the extra stress. _

Emmett was still grinning at me. "Eh, cool it, Ed. He seems like a nice enough kid to me. He also flew all the way out here to check on Bella, so to some extent you should be tickled fuckin' pink that someone cares enough about her to make sure she's safe. Then again, those wolves can make themselves major pains in our asses..." He stopped to consider further. "Yeah, I guess that means I'm neutral."

I was flabbergasted. "I'm supposed to just let him stay in such close quarters with her? Even sleep in her room?"

"You're not in a position to let anything happen, Edward; you have little choice in the matter," said Carlisle.

Esme nodded in agreement, then turned to address me. "I have to ask—you already know that Bella is still devoted to you, even if she can't bring herself to forgive you yet. So, what is it that is upsetting you? Is it having Bella so close to a werewolf, or is it that you think having a man sleep in her room is inappropriate?"

Esme looked at me, daring me to answer.

I looked up at her. "I suspect you're going to tell me that 'both' is the wrong answer."

_I'm not going to point out the hypocrisy of your position, dear. She smirked. I'm sure you'll figure it out on your own. _

I appreciated her silence even though what was going on in her head was more than obvious to the other two males present.

She broke the silence then. "As much as he may have a temper, he hasn't hurt her in three years, so she'll likely be fine; the best you can do is keep an eye on the situation. And not that I'm going to encourage any espionage or infringements upon Bella's privacy, but keep in mind that Alice will be there the whole time."

I could almost see the _nudge, nudge, wink wink_ gesture form in her mind. I was a bit taken aback. Prior to this I had only seen tiny hints of how much Esme was willing to tweak her ethics if it were in the best interests of seeing her family operate the way she envisioned. I got the impression that this wasn't anywhere near the worst of what she was capable of if it ever became necessary.

Emmett finally spoke up. "Yeah, bro, and this might work out for the best anyway."

I glared at him.

"No, really. Snagglefang over there will be available to wheel Bella around campus, and let's be honest—you need to get your rear back in class. Your girl over there is already older than you, now she's two years ahead of you in college! She's gonna be schoolin' your ass, man! You can't afford to fall behind! Snap-snap, chop-chop, bro!"

There wasn't a class in existence that took priority over making sure the shapeshifter didn't hurt or do anything untoward to Bella, but I did try to find a smile for his use of "Snagglefang." I took note of it for future use.

Esme looked at me with frustration. "Do you remember what I told you about wallowing in your angst?"

I took a fraction of a second to think. "I do now that you bring it up."

People rarely truly understand how memory is structured in the brain. How the information got stored is the same for Vampires and Humans alike. We just have an unfailingly perfect repository. Where humans remember a small fraction of what they experience, we record it all. We do not, however, have an equally advanced ability to recall that information. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to have all memories floating through your awareness at once—neither the Vampire nor the Human brain was capable of it. Therefore we had to search our minds for the information just as anyone else did. We only tended to be much faster at it.

Esme's hands were balled into fists and they rested on her hips. She spoke with that brazen determination that she normally reserved for her internal dialogue. I, however, was starting to become accustomed to hearing it out loud.

"Good. That means you remember me telling you that there's no time for it. You're wasting it sitting here fuming. Do you know what her fears are? Her concerns about you and us as a family? Do you know how her wants or her needs have changed? Do you know what she wants from you anymore or how your relationship dynamics need to evolve in order to make her happy?"

"No, not as of this moment," I said.

According to Emmett's thoughts, I looked like a deer in headlights. It only made me feel slightly better to see that he looked at Esme with even more of a dumbfounded expression than I. Carlisle was softly laughing; I could hear him thinking about how attractive Esme was in her warrior mode. I tried to block myself from hearing any more of his thoughts before he continued to dwell on the object of his attraction.

"Then it seems to me that instead of whining about the shapeshifter, you should get busy coming up with a plan to get those questions answered. Sound like a good idea to you?"

Emmett gave me a supportive pat on the arm. "Damn, bro, sounds like you've got a lot of work to do."

I looked over at him with with the most deadpan expression I could manage.

Emmett clapped me on the back. "Yeah, I'm... going to leave you alone now. But listen, if you change your mind about listening to reason and decide you need to take out that Snagglefanged kid— I'm your muscle. Promise you won't leave me behind?"

I shook my head in wonder. It always amazed me how Emmett could manage to make me smile even in the midst of my anger.

Carlisle finally bothered to choke off his laughter long enough to speak. "I have to make sure everything is in order so we can all get out of here. I also need to stop by the lab and get some things done. Are you alright now, son?"

"I apologize for my temper. Yes, I'm calm now," I said.

Carlisle gave a reassuring squeeze to my shoulder and left.

"Okay, time to get things organized," said Esme. "We have six people including Bella, and she'll need extra space. There are two cars and one bike parked outside, and Carlisle is heading into Oakland so that's one vehicle leaving … I'll ask Jasper or Rosalie to drive my car here so Bella will have some room to stretch out, and someone needs to get her motorcycle to our garage where it will be safe, since she won't be on it for awhile."

She said the word "motorcycle" with a hint of malice. Esme's Range Rover was the largest vehicle among our collection, so her plan made sense; I only objected to the part about storing Bella's bike.

"I much prefer the thought of tossing it over a cliff somewhere," I said.

She gave me a warning glance.

"I know you really agree with me, mother."

_Yes, but as I've already mentioned, you know what your options are for keeping her safe. Destroying her personal property is not among them._

She winked at me and walked away. Emmett, now having released me, was now deeply engrossed in something. He was reading, but as he did so, he switched back and forth between two books. I saw the title of one of them as he was laying it down on the chair on his other side.

"Em? 'The Man Who Invented the Twentieth Century?'" I asked.

"Yeah, it's about Nicola Tesla. The other one is a catalog of his complete patents, so when I see mention of one of his inventions in the biography, I switch to the patent to get a better understanding of it."

"Any particular reason behind your sudden interest in Tesla?" I asked.

The more he spoke, the better. I would listen intently to anything he had to say if it managed to keep me distracted from thinking about that boy standing in Bella's room at that moment.

"Well, Rose is going to learn more about electronics in some of her engineering coursework, and that's new for her, so she's really excited about it."

"And?"

I was failing to see how this connected to him.

"And I love her?" He looked at me as if I were slow. "She's interested, and anything that interests her interests me. Okay, well, not everything, but I at least like to know something about it, so that when she wants to talk about something that she likes, I can hold an intelligent conversation about it. Everything I learn about the things she loves helps me understand her that much better."

He shrugged.

"In most subjects I start with some history, work my way up to the major players, and if I'm still interested I might do more diggin' into some specifics or sub-specialties. It all depends."

It occurred to me then that I should probably pay more attention to how Emmett interacted with Rose. Anyone that could manage to deal with her colossal insecurities and manage to stay so happy probably had some truly effective methods.

"Somehow you still manage to surprise me with your insight, Em."

He laughed. "I know, I like to think of myself as Nuggets 'O Genius-R-Us. It works even better if I'm constantly underestimated. That way when my brilliance hits ya it's like BOO-YA!"

His voice boomed as he mimicked an explosion with his arms. I laughed.

"May I ask you a question?"

"Always."

"If you were me, where would you start with Bella?"

"I'd find out why the holy hell she's throwin' herself off of tall objects, bro. Whatever that need is, I'd find a way to replace it, stat."


	17. Chapter Seventeen: Clown Car Dorm

This story is written in the first-person point of view, and sometimes switches between characters by scene or chapter. (Please do not panic; I do not repeat each scene from various points of view.) I do not label my chapters with character names, subsequently, your key is thus: Chapter titles that are short & succinct are Bella's, long witticisms are Esme's; song titles are in quotes, belonging to Edward, and Rose's are questions, finished off with an interrobang (‽).

Chapter Notes:

The most formidable team this side of the pond: cookEgawd, Blackjacklily, and two ladies that knocked two chapters out of the park this week, Detochkina & MunkeeRajah. And again, a shout-out to KayMarieXW for the ultimate in reader support.

_I want to hear from you! Please leave a review and/or say hi to ubergeekness on Twitter_

* * *

><p><strong>The Clown Car Dorm.<strong>

I was surprised I made it back to my dorm room without a massive headache. It wasn't Esme's driving—she was far more judicious with her speed than any other Cullen. It was the incessant insults being thrown back and forth between Jacob and Alice. I had found out exactly what Alice smelled earlier that was so repugnant to her. In fact, I understood in detail, since she and Jacob cracked jokes about their respective offending odors from their places on opposite ends of the vehicle. The worst part about it was that I was literally stuck in the middle. Alice sat in the front passenger seat, while Jacob sat in the cargo area in the far rear, and I occupied the entire rear bench seat, my leg elevated under pillows Esme had jammed under me, and my back brace forcing me to lie flat.

Thankfully, it was only a twelve minute drive back to my dorm. I had little choice but to sit and watch everyone exert effort on my behalf: Esme unloaded my climbing gear into my tiny wardrobe, Alice went in to move some furniture around to make room for my wheelchair, and Jacob began the process of lifting me to carry me into the room.

"Seriously, Jake? This is so not necessary; just put me in my chair."

"Naaah. Then I'd have to lift you twice, which is a pain because with all the hardware you're wearing, I'm scared I'll put too much pressure somewhere and not enough somewhere else. Besides, this way I get to show off my awesome super-strength."

I glared.

"Hey, I go through jeans like kleenex, there are people in my head all the time, my caloric requirements almost require a whole second income, and I have to deal with far more responsibilities than anyone my age should have to. I have to take my perks where I can get 'em."

"Fine, but watch out for my—"

He swung sharply to avoid hitting the door with my booted left foot. I felt like a rag doll.

"—foot."

"Sure, sure. I got this, Bells. No worries," he said.

I was torn between whether I should wallow in my guilt over everyone going through all this trouble for me or spend my efforts trying to find ways to show my appreciation. The problem with the latter was that I had no clue where to begin.

Jake gently sat me on my bed, and what followed was ten or so minutes of unloading, the setting up of various items I might need, and the wrangling of the room's few pieces of furniture. Once the dust settled, Alice sat at my desk, and Jacob stood next to Esme in what was the only space remaining in the tiny room.

Esme scooted past Jacob to hug me, then turned to look at him. "It was nice to meet you, Jacob. I'm sure we'll see each other again soon." She looked at Alice. "Alice, her pain meds are right there on top of the dresser. Make sure she stays hydrated and that leg is elevated; don't let her whine her way out of it. Before I go, let me remind you to please try and keep your bickering to a minimum—" She glared at both of them. "—or I'll evict you both. Bella needs quiet and serenity to start healing."

She kissed me on the forehead before she squeezed past Jacob to get out. It felt so foreign, so strange to be mothered like this, almost to the point of being babied. Inside I felt my heart squee in delight. It felt good.

"Alright, Bella, I need to look up your schedule so I can figure out how best to get you to and from class," Alice said.

"Hey, I'll be happy to do that, thankyouverymuch," said Jacob.

Alice quickly interjected. "You're only going to be here for two weeks ... Jacob." I got the impression it was a major effort to call him by his name instead of by an insult. "We have ten more weeks to plan for after you get los—after you go home."

"Yeah, well, I might just—"

He stopped when we heard voices approaching.

"Wow, her door is open. I hope everything's okay, she's not usually particularly _social_, so I'm surprised to see her door open. I don't think I've ever seen that from her before."

It was common practice for the residents of this dorm to keep their room or suite doors open or ajar if they were in and weren't studying. I was always the notable exception. I tried my best to keep the potential for interruptions minimal. Callie and a tall, unfamiliar girl appeared in my doorway. Both Alice and Jacob turned to look. Actually, I think Jacob gawked.

"Um, Isa?" Callie asked as her eyes landed on Alice and Jacob. "Woah, chica. You're having a party and you didn't invite me?"

I smiled, and Jacob rolled his eyes; it was one of his standard reactions when he was embarrassed or guilt-laden, and I suspected that in this case he felt a bit guilty that he was taking up so much space in the room. Alice, in the meantime, looked at me as if wondering who Callie was addressing with that name.

Her lithe friend looked at her inquisitively. "This is a party?" She asked this innocently and completely without sarcasm. Callie's five foot, seven inch frame had to look up at the six foot tall girl to respond.

"Well, for Isa, it most certainly is." Callie turned to look at me. "Holy zombie jesus, what in the fresh hell happened to you?"

"Hey, Callie," I said. "Rock climbing accident; it's a long story. I just got home from the hospital."

Jacob was still gawking.

"Callie, this is Alice, and the one that barely fits in here is Jake."

It was true; his nearly seven feet of bulk looked larger than usual because of the small room. He was lucky that my room was in a wing that was added as an expansion to the original mansion. Because it was designed to match the clearance of the main building's spacious rooms, each dorm room had a tall ceiling. It made him able to stand erect, but there wasn't much room left for lateral movement.

Alice chimed a melodic hello coupled with a bright smile. Jacob said hi with his roguish grin. I would have kicked him if I could have managed it. He was staring at both Callie and her friend like he couldn't decide which one was The One Ring. I half expected him to start muttering "my precccccious." Though I had to admit I could mostly understand why. Both girls were very pretty, and both of them had profiles that one would not be likely to come across in Forks. The sight of them was made even more interesting by the contrasts in their appearance. Callie's soft and kind face, average height, junoesque build and ample chest was more pronounced against her friend's slender, long lines, full facial features and large, wide, and expressive almond eyes.

It took Callie a minute to say anything further. I thought perhaps that she was still getting over the shock of seeing me in all my bone-stabilizing contraptions.

"Are you gonna be able to take classes ... like this?" Callie asked.

"No choice in the matter. I want to be able to start my independent research project next semester and in order to do that I've gotta get some stuff off my plate now." I motioned to her companion. "I'd say come on in, but, well, you're already as close as you can get. Who's your friend there?"

"Oh, sorry, got a little swept up in the wonder of all that plastic you're wearing. She's the reason I'm here, actually. Isa, Alice, and, uh, Jake, right? This is my cousin Camille. She's a freshman composition major, and she lives almost opposite you over in C tower, so I thought you should meet."

"Nice to meet you," Alice and I said in unison. Jacob looked desperate to make an impression. He stepped forward and extended his hand to Camille. "Jacob Black, freshman at Western Washington U, nice to meet you."

I rolled my eyes. He wasn't a freshman yet, but apparently he was willing to jump ahead six months in time if it got him closer to impressing the two girls. Unfortunately, he didn't shut up just then.

"So, Callie and her cousin Cami, eh?"

Camille's dark brown eyes turned to look at Jacob. "No. Callie and her cousin Camille, thanks."

Even though she tried to look mildly annoyed, no one could miss that she was eyeing Jacob a little too closely. I thought I saw her elbow Callie when they first showed up. I wondered if that had something to do with the hotness that was Jacob. It was impossible to miss his muscles, especially now. Since I began climbing I had learned about more technical clothing, made with various synthetic fibers designed to keep active people cool, dry and sweat-free. I subsequently introduced Jacob to these concepts. The problem was that most base-layer type shirts needed to be close to the skin to do their job properly, and this meant that Jacob now had a nasty habit of wearing skin-tight lycra-like shirts that showcased every ripple. He may have been like a sibling to me, but we weren't actually related, and even if we were, it would still have been impossible to ignore how beautiful he was.

"So what's the deal here, you break some bones and then decide to have a slumber party? And seriously, why wasn't I invited?" Callie mumbled, trying to talk while grasping her hair band between her teeth. She was trying to wrangle her tight, shoulder-length, sepia curls into a ponytail. Camille was still busy ogling Jacob.

"Yeah, you know me, I'm totally the slumber party type." I tried to think of a way to simplify a explanation. I thought of the way Esme addressed everyone earlier, and smiled.

"Alice has been put in charge of making sure I don't manage to kill myself or break any additional bones, and Jake flew out to check on me. He'll be visiting me for a couple weeks ... I just ... don't know where to wedge his body when it comes time to break out the sleeping bags." I shrugged. "I guess we'll figure it out."

Alice grumbled. "I have some ideas on where you can shove him ..."

Jacob rolled his eyes.

"Well ..." Callie began. "I might be able to help. I'm not sure how long, but at least for a couple days.

We all looked at her, eyebrows raised.

"Well, I've had the most horrible luck in roomies. The first was a senior, and she was only waiting to see whether she and her friends had landed an off-campus apartment. Once they signed the lease, she disappeared. The second one was here for three days before she had a nervous breakdown." She shrugged. "I think it had been a long time coming, and once she saw the syllabus for 18-100, she was done."

I was the only one that barked out a laugh. Introduction to Electrical and Computer Engineering was a notoriously troublesome class for freshmen of that major.

"So, essentially, I'm a single girl in a double room and there's a bed there not being used. I don't know if Sarah's officially dropped her classes or not, but in either case they won't manage to assign me a new roommate for at least a couple days."

She looked at Jacob.

"If you promise to keep your eyes to yourself, and Isa, if you'll vouch for him, I wouldn't care if Jake, uh, borrowed the space."

The corners of Jacob's lips turned down and his brows lifted, forming an expression that suggested "Hey, why not?" His focus, however, was still firmly stuck on Camille. She noticed and blushed in response; it was an amazing thing. Camille's skin was darker than roasted coffee and the tones underneath it were so beautifully dusky that they gave her skin the appearance of a permanent glow. I wouldn't have expected to notice a blush on her, but it was there, a dark rose that was subtle but very visible. Her smile lit up the room.

"Bella, what is with this 'Isa' stuff?" Alice whispered towards me; I could tell she was annoyed. There was something going on that she didn't know about, and it was driving her crazy.

"I'll explain later." I rushed to move the attention away from me. "Jake, you'll still be really close, you only have to spend the nights there, and you won't have to curl up into a ball on the floor in order to sleep. Whaddaya think?"

He directed a critical gaze at Alice, but then looked at the small square of space on the floor and relented with a nod and a grin. "Yeah, I think that'll work; thanks, Callie. If you don't mind, I think this would be a great time to settle in, maybe take a shower and grab some grub. Bella, what can I bring back for you?"

I shook my head; I wasn't hungry. He turned to Alice and grinned widely.

"Alice? I don't know what's close by, but I'm sure the domesticated stuff is always available. Cow, perhaps? Maybe a buffalo ... burger?" He roared with laughter at his own joke.

Alice ignored him. "Nice to meet you, ladies."

Jacob looked at Alice and pointed forked fingers at his eyes, then at her, then back at himself. "I'm keepin' my eye on you, bloodsu—" He caught himself, remembering the two innocents in the room. "Babe. Keepin' my eye on you. Hey, Bells, if she starts to annoy you, just yell for me. I'll hear ya."

Alice scowled.

He repeated the hand gesture again, then turned to leave with Callie and Camille. Alice quickly closed and locked the door behind them. I thought I heard her release a sigh of relief before she turned to me.

"I give it three days," Alice said.

"Three days for what?" I was clueless.

Alice pointed to the door and made a semi-crude gesture.

"_Oh my gawd, Alice, _shut up! Ewwww!"

"Sorry, but you know it's true."

"No, I dont!"

I refused to think about Jacob and the act of having sex in the same thought. Part of me shuddered, and another small part was jealous that another girl had his attention. I had become accustomed to being the sole object of his affections even though I could not return them. Yes, being mad over the fact that he was apparently thoroughly over me did indeed make me a selfish ass, but since I would never express such thoughts in front of him, I refused to feel too horrible about it.

Alice laughed. "Oh, calm yourself, Bella. Seriously, you are aware that people have sex, right? It's a natural part of life for _all_ species. We have to get you to loosen up. Perhaps a girls' night out?"

She had a wicked grin on her face. I snorted.

"Really," she said, "I'm sure it won't take long to find some clubs around here that might prove to be ... educational."

I could swear her eyes twinkled with the thought of possibly getting me into some gross strip club. I thought about each time she had gotten her hands on me as her dress-up doll. I wondered if there was a correlation between my level of embarrassment and the amount of pleasure she got from the activity.

"Ugh." My face wrinkled.

"Oh, really, Bella, the concept can't possibly be that offensive to you."

"It's not the idea of strippers that offends me, it's the thought of some random, sweaty, greasy dude rubbing all over ... eeew. Yeah, um ... no."

"Hmm. I may have to rethink my strategy," she said.

"Ha-ha, I'm off the hook!"

"Don't relax just yet; I'll come up with a new plan," she mused.

"We can start slower. How about a viewing of something with oodles of man-candy. '300,' perhaps? I'll even invite your friend Callie."

"Well, I do like action movies generally, so I guess it's not the worst idea you've ever come up with ..."

I leaned back and let my weight relax onto the pillows so that they would prop me up into a strangely comfortable V position, trying to fall into a quick catnap after all of today's excitement. Alice called Jasper on her cell and they talked for a while, but I ignored their conversation, trying to give her some privacy. It was the first time since I left the hospital that I'd been left alone with my thoughts, and I struggled not to focus on Edward's appearance.

_After all, he's not here now, is he? _

I was done over-thinking it; I shoved it out of my head in favor of getting some rest. I The next time I opened my eyes, Alice was quietly sitting on the edge of my bed, looking at me worriedly.

"Oh, how long was I out?" I asked.

"Not nearly long enough. Just about ten minutes. I didn't mean to scare you. I just got off the phone with Jazz." She paused. "Are you okay? Do you need more of your meds or anything?" she asked.

"No, I'm aching a bit but nothing that drastic. Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Well, I was just wondering a couple things ... I thought it was a bit strange ..."

I waited for her to spit it out. She bit her lip, and the act made me more apprehensive about whatever it was she planned on asking.

"Actually, before I get to that, I should ask you about giving me pointers on British Lit. I know you've read a lot of the books that are on my syllabus and, well, I find it rather dry, so I was hoping to get your opinion on some things when the time comes—"

"I'll be happy to give you my thoughts on what I've read in the past, but I think I should warn you that none of it's fresh at this point. I don't read anymore."

"What do you mean you don't read anymore?"

I had already gone into let's-puke-all-my-neuroses-out-on-the-table-for-your-consumption mode for Alice once already, and I wasn't too keen on doing it again. The whole concept of discussing your deepest, darkest fears and greatest hopes and wishes had to be worked up to. I wasn't sure I was comfortable with it, and I was too tired to even think about trying. I tried to reply in as simple and straightforward a manner as I could.

"Well, you know, those genres at least. Long story." I waved it off. "What else did you want to ask?"

"Well, for one, what's with the whole 'Isa' thing?"

"It's not anything deep, you know. I just go by Isa now. It's just ... easier."

"Easier?"

I sighed inside. "Yeah, easier. When I'm here at school, I get to be here. I don't have to think about Forks, about the meadow, about Edward, about—"

"Me."

"Sorry, but yeah. It was just ... simpler to try to ... well, not forget it, really, but kind of lock it all into a small place. Just long enough for me to function on a regular basis. The only thing besides my own mind that was left to remind me was my name. Luckily, there are at least four different derivations from my given name for me to choose from. Yay, me. Now what is it you _really_ wanted to ask me about?"

She smiled, but it was a haunted smile. I tried to stay expressionless, though I was pained that what I said had hurt her. I could tell there was more, so I waited, figuring that it was best to get it over with now.

"Well, you haven't asked about Edward all day. I guess I expected you to at least wonder why he wasn't here."

I was totally bewildered. I still had not come to any firm conclusions about what happened in that hospital room yesterday, but all of my possible rationalizations either boiled down to pity or opportunity, and I wanted none of either. I couldn't hide my frustration; I'm certain my pitch had increased when I spoke next.

"I really don't get what's going on here. Why should I expect him to be here with me? He found out I was hurt, and it's Edward, so he felt guilty about it because, well, guilt is really a primary tool in how he handles _everything_. He killed Victoria, he came by the hospital, tried to make me feel better, and when he felt like he'd done his duty, he left, end of story. I appreciate that he was willing to take the time to do that. Now he's gone back to living out his existence, and that's fine. I'm not going to bother him."

In fact, there was a part of me that became angry when I saw him. At least I knew that my hallucinations of him, my constructs, cared about me. Loved me. Wanted to be with me. It hurt like hell to touch the real thing and feel that none of that was true in reality. What I felt from him when he kissed me was a figment of my imagination, and the sooner I could put it behind me, the better off I would be.

She rolled her eyes. For a second I thought she was looking at me like I was a total idiot, but she didn't say anything to confirm my intuition.

"Hmm. I'll come back to that later."

I stopped her before she could go on.

"Don't bother, Alice."

I tried to find a way to say what was on my mind. "There was a period of my life when I was immeasurably happy. When you've been there, in that place, that ... bliss, it leaves an impression. When something happens to take that bliss away, the memory of it is still there. It makes your new reality that much worse. The feeling of how life used to be prevents you from ever appreciating how things are in the now. I'm stuck in the present, and I'm trying as hard as I can to erase that impression. It'll probably never happen, but I don't need reminders of what I no longer have."

She looked at me with a fixed frown. "I'm not trying to remind you of what you don't have, I'm trying to show you what's right in front of you!" She sighed. "But I'll leave it be if you wish—for now. There's a lot of ... other things we still must discuss. Specifically, there's the issue of you and my vision. I can see you now, generally speaking, but I still can't get anything of substance on you unless I try to look for an interaction through someone else's path. For instance, if I try to see your future tomorrow, I get nothing. But if I look at Esme's day tomorrow I see the possibility of her stopping by to come see you. It doesn't make any sense. It's at least a bit better now that the wolf is gone."

She thought on it a bit longer.

"Come to think of it, I really can't see much of anything when he's around."

She focused hard, but after a minute she shook her head as if she were trying to get her head cleared.

"Well, I'm sure at least part of it is me," I said.

"What do you mean?"

"Your visions are based on decisions, yes?"

She nodded.

"I don't _do_ decision making anymore."

Alice just looked at me strangely. "Not possible, Bella ... oh, and are you expecting me to call you Isa now?"

"No, that would just ruin it when you all leav—" I stopped myself. "No, it's fine."

She looked at me now, brows furrowed and the corners of her mouth subtly curved down.

"Um, so, my decision making ... yeah, I have a new way of looking at things these days. When I was ... at my worst ... I would try to make plans, but I could never fully figure anything out. I would try to imagine life a month down the road ... a year down the road ... five years _... _and I would just end up in tears. Totally my fault, I admit. Had I not gotten myself completely wrapped up in a ma—well, in everything, maybe I wouldn't have lost myself so thoroughly. Anyway, the only time I got better was when I limited my attempts to work out my future. I could wake up, make decisions for that day and that day only, and it worked. Every day I got up, decided if I would go to school. If so, then I would go, then decide if I was going to go to all my classes. I would decide to eat lunch or skip lunch, and so on and so forth, until I decided to go to bed. Each day is like that for me, Alice. Every day.

"Jake helped a lot. I probably wouldn't have ended up applying to college if it weren't for him and Charlie—bugging me about the exams, turning in applications to schools that weren't in obscenely overcast, remote places. Otherwise I haven't gotten too much better in my planning abilities. There are some bigger things, like, I know now that I enjoy what I'm doing; I like making things or making them better. I think it's because they're tangible and because once I've made it, I know it exists. It's not going anywhere unless I destroy it. I want to apply to grad school and maybe teach design someday ... so some big things I've figured out. Everything else? Not so much. So you can't see my future because I haven't decided it ... not any of it beyond today."

"My god. That may be the most depressing thing I've ever heard, Bella."

I shrugged. It wasn't sad to me. It was just life.

"I'm doing the best I can."

"I know—I didn't mean anything by that, I—"

I shrugged again. "No apologies necessary."

"I'm sorry," she pleaded, "it's just that you're so ... haunted. I didn't expect ... none of us expected..."

She looked at me with pity. Pity was always a surefire way to piss me off.

"What? To find me this wrecked? For me to be this pathetic? I'm so sorry I couldn't live up to your expectations, Alice, but I don't do well with sympathy, so either cut it the fuck out or I'll see you later." I motioned to the door.

"No, Bella, listen, I—!"

I realized that I had lost control of myself and that embarrassed me, in turn making me more angry. My face flushed beet red. It then occurred to me that I really was alone in this. Whatever had happened on the Cullen end, the fact that my anguish was so surprising to Alice also implied that it was alien to her. None of them felt as deeply about my absence as I was of theirs. This shouldn't have been surprising to me; I firmly understood that the world did not revolve around me.

_Was that why I was so in love with the Cullens in the first place? When I was with them, I was new, I was a novelty. For a while, much of their lives did revolve around me. _

It made me wonder whether Edward was justified all along when he decided to leave me. No wonder he didn't want to be with me anymore; I was the naïve, fragile, pathetic human.

I was already mad, but now I was oscillating between that and a deep, enveloping sadness. It was too much. I was on the verge of emotional shutdown, but I tried to hold on for another minute. I needed to distract Alice. It was one thing to talk about my issues, but another thing entirely to display them.

"Yeah, it's alright. I'm sorry that I get so ... upset." This was true; losing my composure made me feel childish and weak. I didn't want to be so constantly miserable, so angry. It seemed that everything I had found to mitigate my depression served to keep me functional but did not go so far as to lift me out of the cloud. Part of me, however, knew I needed my anger; it was a form of self-preservation.

"Look, I should probably get some sleep. I'll see you in the morning," I said.

Alice's mouth was open and her eyes wide, but I had to ignore her shock for now. I shut my eyes tight and tried not to let any tears escape. I prayed that she wasn't looking at me as my whole body trembled and waited for the anger, the sadness, the heartbreak to pool up in my chest and settle. I waited there like that, begging torpor to take over so that I could fall asleep, and let the night terrors take over where my consciousness left off. It didn't work. I was too upset to fall asleep, and when I finally gave up and opened my eyes, she was staring at me. She had the nerve to look peeved. I felt confused and embarrassed, like a child who had tried to stomp off after a temper tantrum only to be caught by the scruff of the neck and pulled back to the scene of the crime.

"Bella." She said my name like it was an indictment.

I narrowed my eyes at her, petulant.

"Do you remember how long it took us to become close friends after the first time we were finally formally introduced?"

I sighed, giving up on my shutdown attempt and trying to refocus on whatever it was she was asking me. "I dunno, a week, maybe?"

She nodded. "Strangely fast for someone like you, who doesn't befriend easily, don't you think?"

I only blinked.

"Do you remember when you helped me do that research about my past? We found out about the asylum? About my tombstone?"

"Yes," I whispered.

"Since then things have been coming to me. I can remember some things. It's not a fast process, it's all bits and pieces at a time ... and it only happens when I really get a chance to sit and really just sink into myself. Get into my own head, so to speak. But after a while I began to remember a lot. Most of it isn't pretty; some of it I ... almost wish I had never been able to recall at all ... almost. Not knowing is only slightly worse. Do you want to know what I remember?"

"Of course."

"Well, you and I had already guessed that I'd had visions back then, and I did—even though I didn't really understand how they worked. One day I saw a vision of my mother; someone ... was running after her, chasing her. I couldn't see who it was, but each time I had the vision I could hold it a little longer. Eventually I saw her trapped by whomever was chasing her. The next thing I saw was that she was dead. I was horrified... I remember, only in glimpses, but I remember feeling the fear. Something inside told me that this was something that was going to happen, and I had no idea how to stop it.

"I told my parents what I saw, and my mom believed me, but my father didn't. Something about my relationship with my father changed just then. He tried to reassure me, but it rang false. At the time I couldn't figure out why he was so mean to me. I decided it was because he thought I was being troublesome, talking about my visions constantly. My mom—she was careful. She was cautious for a long time. Eventually, though, she relaxed. She wasn't as vigilant, and I worried. I worried all the time."

She was completely lost in her thoughts at this point. I was engrossed. I was caught between being scared of what she would say next and so pleased she was able to remember so much after trying for such a long time.

"I made her promise to take me wherever she went. I thought I would be able to watch out for her. The stranger in my vision got tired of waiting... so I was there that day. He followed us when we went on a walk one day. He chased us, and we ran, but she fell. She told me to keep running, and I did. My father caught up with her, grabbed her by her hair, and slit—"

She couldn't say it. It took her a minute to go on.

"He killed her. I didn't know that it was him until later, far later, when I had a vision that revealed him bragging about his crime. By that time my mother was buried and my father had remarried. She was a northerner whose father was rich. I'm pretty sure he married her because he thought it was a particularly promising business deal. I think she was in on the plan to kill my mother from the beginning, but I had no proof—none that I recall now, at least. I tried to tell people that he was behind it all, but by the time I figured it out he had already discredited me. He'd made the rounds pretty thoroughly, in fact. I tried to hide at my aunt's house, and they threw me out. I'd had visions about my cousin's death sometime before, and they blamed me for it when it happened. I ran to a cousin's home then and was chased out of there as well. Having nowhere else to go, I tried to tell the town's Marshall. When I told him that my father murdered my mother he politely informed me that I had lost my mind, and that he was really sorry, but my caring, concerned father had asked him to detain me. 'It's what'll be best for ya, darlin' ...' is what he said to me."

Her gaze focused outside my window, and her face formed a small, sardonic grin.

"Later that day I was carted off to the asylum, and you pretty much know what happened from there. I would have told you this eventually, because I know that you'd want to know. But I'm telling you now because I want you to understand something. I took to you so readily because I could see you so well. I'm not talking about my visions—I'm talking about your heart. You're so ... _simple. _You only wanted to love something fiercely, and you hadn't found anything worthy of that kind of love before you met Edward. The only other thing you really wanted was to feel that kind of love back. You wanted to be around people that could allow you to be yourself. Not Bella the Caretaker or Bella the Responsible Young Adult, but just Bella, so that you could have a chance to really find yourself, figure out who you wanted to be. In return, we allowed ourselves to be who we really are with you."

She slowly, gently clasped my hand.

"You've always had the bad habit that you don't give yourself nearly enough credit, and you honestly have no clue how beautiful of a person you are. I was hoping to help change that ... but I ran out of time."

One corner of her mouth tweaked upward in a weak smile. I wasn't sure how I looked to her just then, I only knew that I was clueless on how I was supposed to feel, and I was failing to get a hold of which emotion was in the lead at that moment.

"How could any of us help but love you? I always knew why I feel the way I do about you, but now I have more context to understand why. Think about what I've been through. Raised by a father who schemed mercilessly to achieve evil ends, hated by my family for what I was. Shunned by my own sister, who benefitted from the attentions of my father and stepmother. You never scheme. You just ... are, and you'd never wish harm upon anyone unless they truly deserved it. You ... accepted my visions, and me, so readily. It never occurred to you to hate me for what I do, the things I see ... and you have no idea how exceptional that makes you. Best of all, you loved me. You wanted me as your sister, as your friend, with no ulterior motives. Before we got to know you, we wondered if you wanted to be with Edward just because you wanted to be turned."

I opened my mouth to protest.

"I know, I know. It's quite the opposite. You wanted to be turned because you wanted to be with Edward forever ... really, you wanted to be with the rest of us, too, though I don't know if you realized that."

My forehead crinkled as I tried to find a way to verbalize my thoughts. I had thought about it quite a lot, but I had never said anything about it before.

"So, the point to all this ..." she continued, "is that when I look at you with such sorrow ... I'm entitled to my sadness. I have the right to be upset when I see what my actions have done to hurt such a deeply kind and loving soul. It's not my pity for you. It's my regret—my anger as well, really. I don't steam at the ears like some others when I'm mad. But, you know ..."

Her volume softened.

"I was abandoned by my family. We all know about that tombstone; the date etched on the face is the same day I was admitted into the asylum. We know that they forgot about me after that day. I know how that feels, Bella. So when I left ... I couldn't take everything. I tried to leave you something that would let you know I left part of me behind."

"You did?"

She nodded. "Do you still have the photo album your mother sent you for your eighteenth birthday?"

"Yeah, it's in my closet, under those boxes there."

Alice retrieved the hefty book from its spot far back in the closet. I had almost forgotten about it. I hadn't used it since the day that I found my pictures of Edward missing from it. I had forgotten how pretty it was. It was a thick scrapbook album, covered in a quality black leather. The front featured a four inch picture window, and all around the window wound gold stitching, punctuated by multicolored jewels and the occasional smooth, glossy pearl all inlaid into the leather. The picture window itself lay empty. I remembered that once upon a time it held a snapshot of Edward.

She ran her fingers over the stitching and the inlaid jewelry carefully, regarding it with a reflective significance.

"I recently... remembered that my father was a jeweler. He specialized in pearl trading."

Alice formed a small, sad smile.

"It explains so much," she added, and her hand drifted to the bracelet around her wrist. It was bone and pearl mounted on leather, and the Cullen crest had been carved into the bone along with an intricate floral pattern. She held up the scrapbook album towards me so that I could get a better look without moving. "Before we left I had all of the inlays replaced with real jewels and pearls. The gold thread is also now real gold.

I could only gasp.

"There are about twenty carats total—diamonds, emeralds, ruby, sapphires, topaz. I know jewelry is not one of your particular loves, so I did that just as a hallmark really, hoping you would notice that something was different about it. The important part is back here."

She flipped to the back inside cover of the album.

"Look carefully at the endsheet on the back bookboard."

I squinted to get a good focus at the paper that covered the inside of the back cover of the album. There were two faint but visible raised rectangular areas.

"What ... is that?" The suspense was killing me.

"I need a knife to pry the endsheet up properly if you don't want me to destroy the aesthetics of the back cover," she said.

I was tapping my fingers on my bed sheet with impatience.

"Ooookay then."

She used the nail of her index finger to pull up the sheet of black paper that covered the hard backing. When she lifted it, there were two short stacks of photographs there, all of them of her and I. Behind the second stack was a folded sheet of paper, and I could see her fluid, calligraphic handwriting through the folds. She placed it all in my hands.

"I'd hoped you would find this. I never wanted you to feel abandoned, Bella. I did everything I could to skirt the line between betraying Edward and betraying you."

I was speechless. I held it still in the palm of my hands for a moment before I separated out the pristinely folded letter from the rest of the stack. The rice paper felt thin and frail under my touch, so I opened it slowly and gently. It was short, but it conveyed exactly what I had so desperately wanted to hear: a reminder that she loved me and a pledge to try to find me, to contact me again someday. A promise to find me once her obligation to Edward was settled. It said that in the meantime she wished me peace, and wanted me to know that I would be missed. She hadn't meant to discard me. It was a total paradox, the state I was in: elated over the contents of the letter, mournful over having missed its existence. Curiosity over how things may have been different if I had known it was with me all along. I silently refolded the letter and held it, along with the photographs, pressed lightly between my two palms.

"I don't expect this to absolve me," she said.

I forced myself to lift my head and look at Alice. I was heavy hearted, but I managed to form a slight smile that did not match the weariness that I was sure reflected in my eyes. I was not yet ready to admit that my resolve could be so quickly defeated, but I could not ignore the letter, itself a poignant reminder of how things could be if I were able to forgive. I remembered a quote I'd heard once: _To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. _There was no longer a decision to make.

_You may be closer to absolution than you think._


	18. Chapter Eighteen: Novena Without Faith

**Hi, everyone. Some awesomesauce news: I was reviewed at Indie Fic Pimp! (Review is here: indieficpimp dot blogspot dot com ) **Much love and appreciation to the staff there and to the reviewer, MandaLyn.

This story is written in the first-person point of view, and sometimes switches between characters by scene or chapter. (Please do not panic; I do not repeat each scene from various points of view.) I do not label my chapters with character names, subsequently, your key is thus: Chapter titles that are short & succinct are Bella's, long witticisms are Esme's; song titles are in quotes, belonging to Edward, and Rose's are questions, finished off with an interrobang (‽).

Chapter Notes:

The most formidable team this side of the pond: cookEgawd, Blackjacklily, Detochkina & MunkeeRajah. And again, a shout-out to KayMarieXW for the ultimate in reader support.

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><p><strong>"Novena Without Faith"<strong>

So close, but an eternity from where I want to be.

I sat in the courtyard, hidden by the blooming winter camellia bushes, on the grounds of the building in which she lived. If anyone could see the macabre dance I was performing, I would have been carted away to the nearest mental institution. I would take a step forward—.

_I have waited so long. I have to be near her. _

—Then I would think of the warnings I had received from Esme and Alice.

_They said to be patient. They said she needs time. She has changed. She needs more from me now, and I have to find out what it is I must give. I am no longer the knight in shining armor, come to rescue her. I am the villain that betrayed and scorned her._

With that, I would take a step back.

I heard his voice.

_How am I supposed to sit here and let her be so close to that part-time beast, full-time annoyance? He is just a boy, and even the eldest of the wolves had issues controlling their natures; I know this from experience. I've seen it. _

A leap forward.

_And how does this make them any different from my own kind? We struggle every day with our nature. I must stay here. I cannot force her hand, and it is crucial I not fail. I must wait._

I shuffled back. A glimpse of her through the left window. The last brush of sunlight falls on her cheek, and I see with total clarity that the smile on her face is amidst a pain she refuses to admit is there. I was sure that I still knew her well enough to determine at least this, and I ache at the certainty. Amongst all the hope that has surfaced and kept me afloat over the days prior, an anguish swells again.

_I cannot fail in this. I must be patient. I have to go now. I will come to her when she is ready for me._

I leave for the refuge of the ivory and hope I can fill my mind with sounds that will help me recall the moments before I complicated things so.

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><p><strong>Psychosis.<strong>

I was annoyed. For someone that was supposed to be here visiting _me, _Jacob had been pretty scarce since he discovered the disarmingly stunning Camille. It was Tuesday afternoon, I was in my dorm struggling to finish a reading for my Production Prototyping course, and waiting for my chosen escort to arrive. I wasn't privy to the details of the conversation that occurred between them, but apparently Jacob had been invited to lunch by Camille, so he asked Alice if she could wheel me to class. Alice would be in the middle of Organismic Botany when I needed to leave for my next class, so she had apparently asked another Cullen to take me. The whole sordid scheme left me there stewing, feeling like a burden, waiting to find out who had been saddled with wheeling me around next.

I heard a light, melodic rapping on my door and immediately found myself wondering why the hell I had agreed to this.

Of course it would be _him_. I hadn't seen him in days, so I hadn't thought of the possibility of him showing up here.

"Bella? May I come in?" I heard Edward speak from the other side of the door.

There was no point in hiding, as I was certain he wasn't going to go away. I needed to suck it up and paint a brave smile on my face, despite the nervous energy coursing through me.

"Sure, it's unlocked."

The door opened, and all the breath I held in my lungs somehow managed to force its way out all at once. Not only did this give away my overstimulated state, but it also hurt, given that my lung was still healing. I tried to cover up my anxiety with obstinacy.

"You don't have to do this, you know. I can make it there on my own ... after all, the primary danger has been wiped out, from what I hear."

"What, and miss my opportunity to show off some of the impressive moves I have developed for wheelchairs? Not a chance."

I tried to smile, but the thought of him being close enough even to push my chair was giving me palpitations.

"Alright then, but given your need for speed, do you think you can get me there on time without scaring the living crap out of me?"

When I made dangerous moves, it was _my _choice. _I_ was in control. I didn't get the same thrill when someone else was making the decisions.

Yep, obstinacy still right there, keeping me company. In a way it was warm and comforting. I could always rely on it.

Edward held up three fingers. "Scout's honor."

"Did they even have the Boy Scouts when you were a kid?"

"No. They did come along in the early twentieth, but it was too late for me. It didn't matter anyway. When I was a child I was too busy with my piano lessons."

It was always incredibly fascinating to me to hear his first hand knowledge of the world before I was born, even the little tidbits here and there.

"Fair 'nuff. Let's go."

Five minutes later we were halfway to the building my class was in, and our conversation had so far been blissfully mundane. This meant, of course, that he had to ruin it.

"So, Bella, are you determined to make me do this the hard way, or are you at least going to give me a hint?"

"Wha—?" It was already too late to take back my inquiry when it dawned on me that whatever he was asking about was probably something I didn't want to discuss.

"You haven't given me a clue about what I'm going to have to do to get back into your good graces. I'm not averse to doing everything I've come up with in my head, but that'll take a lot of time—and keep in mind that I have forever. I figured I might actually luck out if I just asked you directly. Perhaps you would be merciful."

"Why do you—" My eyes rolled upward and I rubbed my forehead in frustration. "Look, we're good. I've already let that whole hospital room weirdness go, and I've decided not to ... _express _a grudge about ... anything. So we're good."

_I can be cordial and I can speak to you, but that's all I can handle. Please move on. Please?_

"You _let it go?_ Really, Bella, what am I going to have to do to get through to you?"

He spun my chair around to face him.

"Well, giving me whiplash might get my attention, but I would really appreciate it if you picked another plan."

His eyes widened when he realized what he might have done. His hands roamed all over me, my eyes closing and breath catching in reaction. The touches were clinical, made in his attempt to make sure my neck and back braces were still properly fitted and that I hadn't really been harmed, but I nearly swooned, nonetheless.

"It was a joke. I'm okay, really."

"Even so, I apologize."

He slowly turned my chair around again and we continued across campus.

"For the record, you weren't supposed to ignore it. I'm not just looking for you to relax your resentment, Bella; this isn't about burying hatchets. I _need _you. I—need not only to be in your good graces but for you to love me. _I have to be with you_."

My mind reeled. _Did he really say that? _

I could have told him that all he had to do was continually kiss me and I'd be helpless to really object to anything until I came to my senses, but it wouldn't have gotten him any closer to where he claimed he wanted to be. I twitched just then; it was unnerving to even think that the possibility of a life with him beside me was back on the table.

_Keep it together. You can discuss this without bursting at the seams, really, you can. _

I could feel his eyes on me even though I couldn't see him.

_Is this really up for discussion? Is he serious? This has to be a joke, and if it isn't, why am I even giving him the time of day? _

_Perhaps because you've been a shell of a person for three years, Swan._

"We have to come to a mutual understanding about a few things before I can think about ..."

I wasn't really sure how to finish that statement. Inside I was screaming, _before I think about allowing myself to really let go with you again. I also have to figure out how to reign in my infatuation with you. The infatuation that brings me to the point where I'm a total idiot about everything and everyone around me_. _Last time, I'd ignored my friends, hurt my father deeply, and broke myself._ _I can't go there again._ But was that even possible? That state of hyper-emotion could only happen when there was trust between us, and how could I trust him again, really? How could I even tell him what to do in order for me to be able to trust him again? I couldn't think of anything that would remotely help except for, perhaps, time.

After all of this internal musing all that came out of my mouth was "... us."

"All right. Mutual understandings. Got it."

It was like he was going down a checklist in his mind.

"What would be one of the things we need to come to an understanding about? Give me something to get started on, and we can continue this after your class."

He was rolling me into Wean Hall when my ankle started throbbing. It was a spontaneous reaction when my hand kind of launched itself towards the boot my pained appendage was uncomfortably strapped into. It didn't occur to me for another few seconds that my visible display of discomfort insured that Edward wasn't going to leave me alone for at least the next few hours.

"Bella, what's wrong?" He stopped pushing my chair.

"Nothing, it's just my ankle; it's hurting. It's my fault. I didn't want to take anymore pain meds—I don't want to get addicted to anything, and it's been three days now. Should I even need them anymore? Anyway, it's just me being whiny. I'll be fine, nothing drastic."

"Belllla," Edward said in that gently scolding manner only he managed to get away with using, "Carlisle didn't prescribe you anything that would be habit forming, and you should take them for as long as you need them. Every human body is different."

"That's one of them."

"What's one of what?"

"That human thing. That's one of the issues we would have to come to a mutual agreement over."

I heard a deep sigh behind me. I waited to see which method he would use to divert me from the subject.

"I highly doubt that you're going to be able to focus in class while you're in pain. I'll drop you off in class, then go back, get your meds and bring them back to you."

It was a rather lame attempt at distraction, especially for Edward. He had done so much better in the past. I struggled to figure out how I could regain control of the conversation.

"You know what, I think you're right that I won't be able to concentrate in class. But nothing I take now is going to make me feel better in time. I think that maybe you should just wheel me over there into a grassy area on The Cut." I pointed. "I'll miss Diff EQ, but I'm not doing so bad in that class, so I'll just spend the time sketching for Design Studio."

I waited for him to take the bait. _Three ...Two ... One ..._

"Why is a design major taking Differential Equations? Wait, why are _you _taking Differential Equations?" He seemed incredulous; I was insulted.

"I may not have enjoyed math in the past, but that didn't mean I sucked at it. I tested out of all the lower math classes, so I got stuck on this track. And designers actually use tons of math."

He nodded in a way that suggested he was impressed. I was _still_ insulted.

"I'll leave you here if you insist, but unless you really need to sketch for Studio, I'd rather stay with you."

Bait taken; I didn't for a second believe he'd leave me here alone.

I was suddenly filled with an acute sense of nostalgia; I missed feeling like I knew him so well. I felt a twinge of guilt for the mild manipulation I had just pulled off, but really, he deserved it, and I'd only done it because I found myself wanting him to stay—it would give me an opportunity to get a few things off my chest without any potential interruptions around.

"Don't you have Music Theory or something?"

"Technically, yes, but to be honest, I know more about theory than Professor Thoms does, and he knows it. I believe he'll forgive me my absence."

"Alright then." I acquiesced. He wheeled me over to the shady, grassy spot underneath a tree that I had pointed to earlier.

"So, about this problem of humanity ..." I smiled, and I'm sure it came off as sinister even though I hadn't meant it that way.

He nodded. I stood using my one useful leg. He helped ease me down to the ground, then sat beside me.

"Just by your response a few minutes ago I knew that what you said to me back in the hospital room wasn't true," I said.

"I told you I would never lie to you again. There's nothing I said in that room that could be untrue." He spoke plainly, but there was an air of desperation in his voice.

"You said 'anything.'" I could only look at the ground then. "You would do anything, but the minute I bring up turning me into a vampire, your whole demeanor changed."

"I didn't lie." He put emphasis on every word. "I will do it, if you still really want that. It doesn't change the fact that I don't want you to choose this, Bella, and it doesn't change the fact that I don't know how to do it, either. How can I bring myself to hurt you?"

I started to remind him that he'd already hurt me, just not physically. But I wasn't quite that bitter—almost, but not quite.

"Relax, Edward. I'm not asking you to change me anymore."

His expression transformed and he peered at me.

"You've revised your stance on this?"

How could I have explained that I had given up on everything remotely related to him and his world without sounding melodramatic?

"No, I haven't. I just said I'm not going to ask you for it anymore. Don't worry, I'm not going to ask anyone else, either. I'm just making a point about your willingness to do 'anything.'"

"I didn't lie. I would find a way."

_Yeah, right._

"Umhmm. Humor me for a minute; there's something I've always wondered regarding your theory of vampire souls."

I reached out to try to scratch my leg under the walking boot I was being forced to endure.

"May I?" he asked.

I shrugged.

Edward removed my boot and lifted my leg so that my ankle rested in his lap. He started softly stroking my lower leg and ankle to sooth the itchy soreness. I had to close my eyes and bite my lip as an attempt to jump-start my brain again.

"All right, let's discuss my ... theory, as you call it." I opened my eyes. "Yeah. Soooo ... you think that my asking you to change me is equivalent to asking you to condemn me to eternal damnation, right?"

He nodded.

"Let me ask you this then, and don't worry about offending me with your answer, whatever it may be."

I spied his curious, raised brow.

"Imagine the situation reversed. I, a vampire, and you, plain 'ol _Homo sapiens sapiens_. Our opinions on the issue, however, remain the same; your proclaimed feelings for me also remain the same. So let's say I, believing that the change does not forfeit your soul, wanted to turn you but allowed you the choice. Would you be willing to give up your soul to be with me?"

It took him a long time to respond. I could have sworn that ice caps had melted and several species had evolved into new branches of taxonomy in the time I waited for him to speak. He laid back and looked at the sky; sat up and looked at the ground. While he thought, he looked just about anywhere but directly at me. I knew an answer was finally coming by the way his body language changed. His shoulders drooped, his face fell. When he finally did answer he looked broken somehow.

"Yes. There would be no choice."

Despite the millennia I had just spent waiting for his reply, I saw that I may already have him where I needed him to be in order to see my point.

"Really, now? Does this mean you've had your epiphany? If not, I can wait. I'm far more patient these days, you see."

"Having a soul would amount to little if it meant an eternal afterlife without you. I believe I have properly surmised the points you intend to make."

_Show no mercy; you're on a roll._

"Well, I'd prefer to check, if you don't mind. I like to avoid misunderstandings, miscommunications, and anything else that could obscure clarity, know what I mean? I just have to figure out where to start."

I fought to keep my focus as I alternated between poking at my lower back brace and trying to dig inside my arm cast. It was hot outside and every injured part of me seemed to itch horribly. The rash from poison ivy would have been a welcome relief in comparison. There was no doubt in my mind I looked like a one-man-freakshow, sitting on the grass, scratching and poking at everything. Thankfully, Edward didn't show it if he'd noticed. He was concentrating far too hard on having had his ill-logic revealed to him.

"Alright, I'll start with the concept that you have no more right to decide for me what I do with my soul as I do to decide for yours. One point for Team Isabella."

I had his full attention again.

"Additionally, you making the decision to deny yourself to me when you would never have accepted such a thing if the tables were turned? Hypocrisy."

"Yes." He closed his eyes, obviously saddened by having to admit his wrongdoing.

"Another point for Gryffindor!" I cheered. Yes, I had officially crossed the line that defined me as an asshole.

"I know you've always thought that my feelings for you pale in comparison to what you feel for me. Even if I accept that as fact, you would still have to admit that you know enough now to understand that denying me access to you has caused me undue pain and hardship—and I'm strictly speaking from an emotional standpoint here. Point for me."

"Yes."

"Hot damn, I think I'm going to win the House Cup this year."

I couldn't read the look on Edward's face at that point. I wouldn't have been surprised if he was completely annoyed with me. I didn't really care, though. I was finally astute enough to point out the flaws in his reasoning, and I would relish this minor victory even if it amounted to nothing. If he didn't like it, well, that was too damned bad.

"As I said, I see your points."

"I have more, but I suppose I'll stop torturing you for now. After all, I know that growing up is hard."

He looked severely wounded. I felt a twinge of regret.

"Alright, that was low. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize. I deserve it. Besides, I rather you get it all out now."

"Oh, I doubt that." I smirked.

He grabbed at a fistful of hair angrily, as if it would help him in his pondering. When he removed his hand, it left a mess of rust colored tendrils pointing in all directions. I chuckled. I wondered how he managed to get that messy-chic look without even trying. I highly doubted it was a side effect of vampirism.

"Do I get to ask you anything?"

"Sure. Such as?"

"Why the motorcycle? Or the BASE jumping, and the rock climbing, for that matter?"

"I assume you want an honest answer." I frowned and waited for a reply anyway. I didn't want to talk about this, but for whatever reason there was a determined look on his face when he asked it, so I doubted I would be able to get out of it. He waited patiently for an answer.

"At first it was because I wanted to break my promise to you."

"Why? Revenge?"

"No, not revenge, really. I think I needed to do something reaffirming. Something to prove that I was still alive inside, even just a little. Yes, being pissed off at you had a lot to do with it, but I wouldn't say it was revenge. It was my way of saying you had no right to ask that of me in the first place. If you wanted to make sure I stayed out of trouble you should have friggin' stuck around."

"That's ... fair, I suppose. You said 'at first.' Your reasons changed?"

"It feels dangerous. I found out that danger brings me clarity; helps me ... do ... certain things."

"Like?"

_Great, here's the part where I have to tell him I've gone insane. _

"Do I really have to answer this question?"

"I would greatly prefer it if you did."

If he had tried to demand an answer it would have been easy to refuse him. This patient, polite Edward was killing me.

"Fine. First tell me this: do you remember that dinner we had in Port Angeles? When you admitted to me that you had been following me? Or the evening that you so hesitantly revealed that you had been watching me sleep without my knowledge or consent?"

"Yes, of course. I would never forget either evening." He managed to look sheepish.

"Good. Please keep in mind that I never judged you or gave you any grief for your creepy Stalker McStalkerson antics then, 'k?"

"Alllllll right." He was hesitant now.

I looked everywhere but at Edward when I spoke. "When I'm in a dangerous situation, I'm able to see you. You talk to me. Well, usually you're admonishing me, but anyway ... it was the only way I could keep you with me. It's best when I'm riding, because then you're constantly talking to me. When I jump it's usually only for a minute, just before I leap. When I'm climbing, you're kind of intermittent. It depends on the type of climb and how much safety gear I'm using."

"Are you saying you hallucinated me?" Alarm rang through his voice. "Wait, and you're intentionally inducing these hallucinations?"

"Hey, hey, Mr. McStalkerson, calm down there. You promised."

"Bella, if you're hallucinating, your health could be seriously in danger!" He sat up now, and I suspected he was close to rushing me back off to the hospital.

"Relax. I already know what's wrong with me. It's called Psychotic Depression, and I've been dealing with it for a while. Welcome to my world. And before you ask, yes, I've tried antidepressants, yes, I've lied through quite a few shrink appointments, and no, nothing has helped."

"Bella ..." He leaned over to touch my face.

"Are you really surprised, Edward? Seriously?"

"Shouldn't I be? Do you think I would have left if I had thought that any of this would happen?"

I felt embarrassed now that my big secret was out, and I began to act shy. I focused on the ground, playing with blades of grass while I spoke.

"You know, I'm trying not to be insulted that everyone seems to have so drastically underestimated my ability to love or react to the loss of love. Did everyone think that I just had a high school crush on you? A first puppy love kind of thing?"

"To be honest, I don't think I could have allowed myself to think otherwise. I admit that part of it was my arrogance in assuming there was no way for a human to feel anywhere near as deeply about anything as a vampire. I also think that I purposefully blinded myself because if you did feel the same way, then I'd have known that I had already ruined your life. There would be no redemption for me, and no freedom for you."

"You didn't think it was strange that I had so thoroughly fallen for you within—what, ten days? That's abnormal even for your most fickle teenage girl. I'm curious; why do you think I wasn't ever interested in any of the guys that showed interest in me in high school?"

He cocked his head to the side.

"I was never truly certain. I tried not to dwell on it too much because being unable to read your mind was so appallingly agitating at the time. All the same, I would love to know why. I believe the last time I mentioned Mike Newton your only response was to say that you would rather die than be with him."

I smiled at the memory of my dramatic, teen-aged self.

"I suppose there are a lot of reasons. Actually, I'm not sure I have a well thought out synopsis for you. When I think about it now, something my mother said a long time ago comes to mind. She used to tell me that she couldn't wait until I fell in love. 'It may not be until you're thirty, Bella, but you're gonna fall _so_ hard, it's gonna be fun to watch.' I usually ignored her when she said stuff like that, but now I realize it's because she saw a lot of things about me that I never bothered to notice. It freaks me out to think how often she's right."

I shrugged. "Anyway, while Charlie would lecture me about moping around the house and say things that would drive me up the wall like 'why can't you just get over him?' or 'when are you gonna snap out of this?' my mom never, ever asked me anything of the sort. I don't think she really understood my reaction much better than Charlie, but for whatever reason she _knew_ that the depth to which I felt things wasn't out of character for _me_. She knew I wouldn't just 'get over it.' It made me wonder what she recognized in me ... that you missed."

Edward started to speak but was interrupted by the approach of a slight-looking girl in a white skirt suit.

"Bella! Why are you lounging around out here? Don't you have Prototyping in two minutes?"

"Oh, crap. Yeah, lost track of time. Alright, time to go."

I rushed to put my boot back on and Alice leaned over to pick me up and set me back into my chair, but Edward intervened. While he had me in his arms he whispered into my ear.

"We obviously have more to discuss, and I need to see you again." There was a sense of urgency in his words. "Would you be opposed to me coming by for a visit?"

His lips brushed against the lobe of my ear as he spoke.

_Yes, actually. I don't know if slowly being driven insane is a good recovery plan. _

What escaped was, "Sure."

I didn't think my body ever gave my brain a chance to object.

He set me down in the chair and lightly kissed my cheek.

"Then I'll see you soon_._"

"Edward, ease up, we've gotta go!" Alice urged.

I closed my eyes and tried to picture what he looked like, standing under the choke-cherry tree, watching me leave.

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><p><strong>There's a teaser for next week's chapter up at Twi Network here: twinetwork dot wordpress dot com2011/11/29/tuesday-teasers-november-29-2/#HerMightyUbergeekness**

_Much love to everyone, and don't forget that I'd love to hear from you! ubergeekness on Twitter and/or leave a little review if you have a minute. :) _


	19. Chapter Nineteen: Jacob's Wolf

This story is written in the first-person point of view, and sometimes switches between characters by scene or chapter. (Please do not panic; I do not repeat each scene from various points of view.) I do not label my chapters with character names, subsequently, your key is thus: Chapter titles that are short & succinct are Bella's, long witticisms are Esme's; song titles are in quotes, belonging to Edward, and Rose's are questions, finished off with an interrobang (‽).

Chapter Notes:

The most formidable team this side of the pond: cookEgawd, Blackjacklily & Detochkina. MunkeeRajah was around for halftime this week. :) Uber-shout-out to KayMarieXW for the ultimate in reader support.

_I want to hear from you! Please leave a review and/or say hi to ubergeekness on Twitter_

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><p><strong>Physical.<strong>

"So, Claire wrote this letter to the Tooth Fairy, right? She didn't know how to address it, so she asked Quil, and Quil was like 'Well, can I see it, Claire-bear?' and she said yeah, then handed it to him, right? Bells, it was _hilarious_!I can't even tell you how funny it was! So the letter—first she says she's been waiting for her dollar for three weeks, and she's lost another tooth now, so now she's owed two dollars. Next she goes into how she doesn't want to be mean, but she's hard up for cash 'cuz there's a Barbie doll she has her eye on, so she's gonna charge interest if she doesn't get it within the next week! Even better, if the Tooth Fairy doesn't comply, she's going to write to his boss and get 'em in trouble. I swear, Bells, we were laughing so hard we couldn't breathe ... you shoulda been there ..."

"No way!" We were quickly approaching the tenth straight minute of my being lost in hysterical laughter. I missed this; I missed Jacob, and I missed being around the Pack's antics. "What did Quil do about the letter?"

Jacob and I had just sat down to eat after a long trip from South Oakland. He had pushed me—in my ridiculously unwieldy wheelchair—back from my third physical therapy session, and we'd stopped to split three large, greasy pizzas. The downtime was overdue; I was happy to get the chance to spend more quality time together, and thankfully, I'd finished all my studying for the day earlier than I had expected. It had been almost a week and a half since he had arrived, and I was trying hard not to dwell on the fact that the end of week two was approaching quickly. I was really enjoying having some time alone with him, and he was taking this opportunity to make me laugh so hard my jaw hurt and my lungs were tired.

"He promised her he'd get it to where it needed to be. The next night he put twenty bucks under her pillow, hoping it would inspire her to write more. Just the laughs we got out of it were worth at least eighteen of that, I swear."

I caught a glimpse of a clock on the wall.

"It's ten to three already? It's Thursday, right? Agggh! I'm supposed to meet a friend to discuss a project he wants me to work on. Wanna go with?"

"Of course. Not like you're gonna get there on your own anyway."

"Oh! How thou dost underestimateth me!" I mimed a stab to the heart. "I would get there eventually. I'd just be three hours late. Oh, and Jake? The kid has a crush on me. Please take it easy on him."

He wiped his mouth and gathered the boxes from the two and a half pepperoni pies he'd just downed.

"And with that you've just guaranteed I'm gonna make the next hour of his life hell. I appreciate the heads-up."

I groaned.

Ten minutes later he was wheeling me into a campus hangout called Scotland Yard. I had gained enough strength back that I was now able to hoist myself out of the chair, but Jacob still had to help me stay balanced long enough to swing myself over to the pleather seat beside me. I flagged Kevin over when he walked in a couple minutes later.

Jacob leaned close and put his arm around my shoulders. "Man, this is gonna be fun."

I chuckled but stopped immediately upon realizing that the way he had spoken into my ear, paired with the response I gave shortly thereafter, made it appear as if he was whispering sweet nothings of some sort at me, and likely gave the impression that I was enjoying it.

"Oooh, that was slick, Jake." I couldn't help but grin. "I applaud your cunning, but if you don't knock it off I'm going to punch you."

"You sure you wanna try that?" He pointed to my bandaged, braced arm, then to my working arm. "I don't think you want to risk losing the other one." He removed his arm from my shoulders anyway.

"Hey there." Kevin sat.

"Hey, Kev," I said. "Kevin, this is Jake. Jake, Kevin."

It occurred to me then that I didn't specify what my relationship to Jacob was when I introduced him to Kevin. It was mostly because I didn't have any term that felt accurate. He was more than my best friend, even though we were platonic. I kind of thought of him as "My Glue" since he'd done so much to help me keep it together over the past few years. Granted, how well I'd managed to keep it together was relative. In any case, introducing someone as your "glue" would prompt a whole bunch of questions I was sure neither of us wanted to answer.

"Nice to meet you, Jake." Kevin looked at me. "I can only assume from looking at you that someone tried to kill you and this guy is your new bodyguard. Isa, what the hell?"

I grimaced and Jacob snorted. It was alarming how close to the truth that was.

"She threw herself off a rock, but yeah, bodyguard is close enough ... among other things." Jacob emphasized the last part with a suggestive lilt.

There was Jacob's arm around my shoulders again. I had become absolutely certain that my decision not to specifically refer to Jacob as a friend in front of Kevin was going to come back to bite me in the ass.

"Uh ... huh," was all Kevin said.

Jacob stood, placed his hands on my shoulders, and kissed the top of my head. "I'm getting up to get some pop, love, want any?"

Yeah, he was laying it on thick. I put that aside long enough to resume a petty squabble he and I had often; the Arizona girl in me snapped back at him. "No, but you can get me a _soda_. Sprite, please."

"Sure, sure." He kissed me on the cheek before he ran off.

I was going to kill him later. I looked at Kevin with a pang of embarrassment. "We've known each other since we were little kids. Anyway, what's going on with this physics project?"

Kevin watched Jacob walk away, and I couldn't tell whether he was looking at him with jealousy or admiration. One had to admit that it was a very nice view from the rear, regardless of your orientation. I snapped twice to get Kevin's attention.

Kevin's head swiveled back towards me. "Yeah! Sorry, yes, the project. I need a nozzle."

"Ooookay. Care to be a bit more specific?" The meeting was interrupting my limited time with Jacob, so I wanted to get this over with.

"What I'm doing is a bit complicated, but suffice it to say that for my experiment I need to be able to spray a wall with LN2."

"Liquid nitrogen? Sounds simple enough. There has to be a company that makes something like that already, no?"

"Well, yes, sorta. There aren't too many scientific uses for _spraying_ supercooled gasses around a room in the manner I need to do it, but there are military uses. So is there a company that makes one? Yes. Is it easily available to the general public? Nope. I probably could manage to order one through some professors I know if I wanted to spend my entire life's savings on it—"

He began to gesticulate wildly the longer he spoke. I couldn't complain, as I was the one that asked in the first place. Jacob wasn't paying any attention; he was staring down some girl who sat in the corner of the room. I continued to sit patiently while Kevin spoke.

"—but really, what they make is overkill for my needs; I don't need the spray to be that precise. I do need to have a ton of pressure behind it. I figured I should see about the possibility of you designing one. You get experience and something nifty for your industrial design portfolio, and I get what I need for my project."

I raised an eyebrow at his presumptuousness. I would love to be able to do such a favor pro bono, but I was a poor undergrad, and had to take my opportunities where I could find them.

"That's a nice sentiment and all, but my portfolio is in great shape. How about we leave it as a favor owed to be collection at a later date?"

He hesitated, but he really didn't have much of a choice in the end.

"Deal."

Jacob slid my soda across the table with just enough force that it came to a rest directly in front of me.

I looked up at Jacob. "Niiiice."

Kevin only grimaced. Jacob shot us both a grin accompanied by his standard air of arrogance.

We talked longer about requirements and measurements, then I tossed around some ideas on how I might go about designing the control valve he needed. I sketched some rough drafts until I got a general agreement on where to start. Jacob leaned back in his chair, slurping his Mountain Dew and popping fries in his mouth for most of the meeting, except for the occasional move he made to get close to me or do something suggestive just to annoy Kevin. To his credit, Kevin generally ignored him except for an occasional sneer. Part of me laughed at the childish display, but a small part hoped this whole incident would finally convince Kevin to stop flirting with me.

After we exchanged goodbyes with Kevin, Jacob moved to sit across from me. We talked for quite a while into the evening, and I enjoyed the sense of ease I felt when I was around him. We were five minutes into a debate over the merits of early versus recent Radiohead albums when his head jerked towards the entrance of the café.

"Jake, what is it?"

His eyes squinted and it took him a moment to answer.

"I don't know. Hold on a sec." He got up and walked to the door. His movement was casual, but I could tell he was trying to pick up a scent. He came back and sat next to me again, close, like he needed to protect me.

"Eh, probably nothing. I didn't pick up any funny smells or anything, it was just, well, there was this girl that was sitting in the corner for a while. I noticed her about an hour ago. She sat but didn't eat. The thing that made me paranoid was that when she walked past me to go towards the door I could have sworn I smelled something ... off ... and when she got to the door she turned and looked at us. It was just _weird."_

"I swear, Jake, you just aren't happy unless there's something around to hunt down."

"Nah, Bells, something was up with that chick; I just don't know what it is. At least I know it's not a vampire. Can't help but catch that stink for miles around. Maybe I should stick around for a little while longer—just in case."

"No way! If you do that, I'll fail all my classes. As it is, I'm pretty sure I'm neglecting two assignments just by being here right now. I love you, but I'm kicking you out." I tried to sound reassuring so that I wouldn't have to argue with him in order to get him on a plane. "I wouldn't be surprised if you managed to make it back out here in a few weeks anyway, considering how you and Camille are gettin' on." I dragged out the second syllable of her name in order to be as obnoxious as possible.

"Is she hot or what?" He grinned. "Seriously, Bells, she's sweet and funny and awesome, and I have a great time when I'm with her. Actually, personality-wise she reminds me of you in a lot of ways. You should hang out with her and Callie more often, I think you might find out you have some things in common."

"And get them involved in all the shenanigans that tend to go on around me? Usually that's a bad idea, Jake."

"I'd ask what else could possibly happen, but I'm not that stupid. Nonetheless, need to stop acting like there's a permanent cloud of doom hanging over your head. Your biggest problem is dead, so take a minute to rejoice over it; have some fun for a while. Your second biggest problem has been the delivery of enough flowers to your room to outfit twelve weddings. I'm not sure what to do about _that_ problem yet, but I'm working on a way to get rid of him for you. I'll let you know what I come up with. Do you have any clue when he's gonna let up with the flower thing?"

"Soon, I think. I'm sure Alice has told him about the allergic reaction I had to Tuesday's purple hyacinths." I scratched my shoulder at a phantom itch, now reminded of the misery caused by the flowers from hell.

"Uh-huh. So anyway, Camille's thinking about coming up to the Rez to visit sometime over Winter Break. I'm not sure that's a great idea yet, but we'll see how things pan out once I leave. If we keep in touch, it may work out."

"That's great, Jake." I smiled, genuinely happy for him.

"Speaking of relationships, I think it's time for you to 'fess up."

"About what?"

"That second-biggest problem I mentioned. You haven't told them all to go jump off a bridge, so I assume you're going to stay in close quarters for the near future, but what are you going to do about Edward?"

The direct nature of his question took me by surprise. Suddenly it felt warm in the room; I shifted in my seat uncomfortably.

"I don't know yet."

"Sure you don't." His tone dripped with sarcasm. "Well, you know how I feel about it all, not that my opinion ever matters. If you decide to take him back, I hope you at least make him suffer first."

"Jake, there's—"

"I don't want to argue with you about it, I just want you keep my warnings in the back of your head, 'k?"

"Yeah, yeah, fine."

"Let 'em sit there and niggle at 'cha."

I glared.

"I want 'em to be a little buzz right behind your ea—"

"I GET IT, JAKE!"

"Sure, sure. Besides, you may as well give him some hell since Charlie's going to give _you_ hell."

"What the flyin' fark are you talking about? You cannot possibly be saying that you're going to tell Charlie that the Cullens are here!"

"Are you crazy? I told you in the beginning that he sent me here as his spy, and you really don't give him enough credit, Bella. He's the Chief of friggin' Police. You think he got the job because no one wanted it? Jeez, it may be a small town, but it's still Washington State, not the middle of the Yukon or Northeast-Central Bumblefuck. You got away with a lot of crap back in the day because he gets all shy and embarrassed around his baby girl, but me? No such luck. Five minutes under his scrutiny and I'm done for. He's not an idiot, and he's actually pretty good at interrogation, considering he, you know, _does it for a living._"

My mouth was agape. If Jacob ratted me out I'd never hear the end of this.

"But ... You—can't!" I couldn't manage to get anything useful out of my mouth. I sunk down in my chair and looked at the ceiling.

_Whenever I think things couldn't get any worse .._.

"I also hope you're not still under the impression he doesn't know something's up with the Cullens."

_They always, always get worse._

"Wha-wha-what?"

"I repeat: he's not an idiot. Charlie's just the kind of guy that's smart enough to try to ignore things he thinks he's better off not knowing. I'm pretty sure he's put something together about the pack by now, and given our unnaturally strong hatred of the Cullens, I'm pretty sure he knows there's something up with that, too, even though he doesn't know exactly what."

"You've lost it, Jake. Now I'm certain you have an issue with paranoia."

"Yeah, alright. You just mark my words, girlie." He looked at his watch. "Hey, we better head back before I get locked out of my crash pad and that harpy vampire starts looking for you," he said.

"Be nice!"

"Like that's possible, Bella. You know me better than that. Hey, last one back is a rotten egg!"

He made sure to stop pushing my chair when we were three feet away from my door, then ran past me across the threshold.

"You're an ass, Jake." My voice was deadpan.

He turned to me with a wide, broad grin. "And you wouldn't have me any other way."

* * *

><p><strong> Jacob's Wolf.<strong>

I was watching Jacob pack the last of his things into a reasonably sized rolling duffel bag. It was still surprisingly smaller than expected, given how much clothing I saw him go through over the past two weeks. It also told me that there wasn't a chance in hell that Jacob had originally planned to only stay for two days; he had been prepared for at least a week's stay. Just before he zipped up the duffel he removed a haphazardly wrapped bundle topped with a pink bow that looked like it was just barely sticking to the red wrapping paper underneath it.

I looked at him, nervous to bring up the upcoming topic, and even more nervous that Alice might return soon and overhear anything we were about to say.

"Jaaaaake ... please don't tell me you brought me something for my birthday."

I buried my face in my hands.

"Yeah, just like I do every other year, so do me a favor and don't be a brat about it, okay?" He tossed the thick bundle onto the bed, near my hand. "I didn't spend a lot of money on it, I promise. It should suit your twisted sense of friendship."

"Why is that twisted? Is it so irrational that I don't want you to spend money on me?"

"It's that the only reason you don't want me to spend money on _you_ is because you don't have any money to spend on _me. _Neither love nor friendship are concepts designed to be an exact tit for tat arrangement, Bells."

"Fine, but must you refer to me as a brat?"

"Absolutely. Now shuddup and open it already."

"But it's Sunday and my birthday isn't until Tuesday. You don't want me to wait?"

"Nah, I'm leaving in twenty minutes, and if I let you wait until then I won't get to see your reaction. Now works better for me than Tuesday."

"If you insist." _Works better for _you_, eh?_ I shook my head in reaction to his willful nature. It was a constant source of amusement.

I tossed the bow to the other side of the room and hastily ripped off the paper, knowing that Jacob would want to see an enthusiastic show. When the contents were fully revealed I couldn't help but gasp.

"Ha! Yeah, see, I knew you'd stop whining once you saw what it was."

Inside the paper was a set of six Moleskine sketchbooks, and each was debossed with a precise and intricate circular pattern.

"Holy moly, Jake! Did you do this yourself?"

"Seth helped me with the design, but I did the covers on my own. You like?"

"I love them!" I reached out, prompting him to hug me since I couldn't run to him on my own.

The pattern itself was a modified version of the tattoo on Jacob's forearm. His tattoo was the same one all the members of the wolf pack shared and was a tribal design that featured two stylized wolves howling at the moon inside a circle, with the containing circle itself also representing the moon. The version etched out of the notebook's covers was the of same style, but inside the circle was a design of a wolf standing beside a human girl, both looking up at the moon. After Jacob let me go I ran my hand over the texture of the pattern repeatedly, slightly transfixed by the simple beauty of them. He sat at the end of my bed, watching my lasting amazement intently.

"I could try to return them, you know, if you think they cost too much and all."

I clutched them to my chest and stuck my tongue out at him.

"Thanks, Jake. They're awesome."

He grabbed my hand.

"Listen, Bells." He looked down at me, his expression more serious than I had seen in the past two weeks. "I have to admit that I _hate_ what's going on right now. I hate knowing that they're back in your life. I really want you to come back home and start a career within a drivable distance of Forks and La Push, and make a life there, perhaps even with me. You know I'll make myself available in a heartbeat, not a problem." He flashed me a quick smile. "But I know that what _I_ want for you isn't want _you_ want for yourself. I have no choice but to trust your judgement on this one and hope it works out for the best."

I squeezed his hand in response.

When he next spoke, his tone was terse and his expression hardened. Fair warning though, all that kinda goes out the window if I hear anything about you, uh, deciding to get vamp'd, I _will_ come and kidnap you. Short of that, I'm just going to pray that you'll be alright. If you need me, for whatever reason, I'll be right back out here. I'll find a way. You hear me?"

I leaned forward again and hugged him with all the strength I had in my weakened bones.

"I hear you, Jake."

"I love you, Bells."

"I love you, too."

Before he released me from our embrace he placed two fingers at the base of my neck and tapped lightly.

"You remember this, yes?"

"Yeah, I know."

"Alright, I'm sure my cab's here by now. Gotta go, Bells."

He placed a chaste kiss on my lips, then left the room.


	20. Chapter Twenty: In Limbo

**All right ... a few fine points this week: 1) I'm using the first hour after breaking my SECOND fever in two days to post this, so excuse me if anything I type is completely unintelligible. 2) Due to some rather complicated issues (not necessarily good), I'll be updating this story more often (somewhat good), but it means that input from a couple members of my usual team may be missing occasionally and I'd therefore like to make it clear than any grammar screw ups are entirely my own.**

Also, a thanks to Emergency Beta Service for their Boot Camp service, because I needed a kick in the butt to get some things written.

This story is written in the first-person point of view, and sometimes switches between characters by scene or chapter. (Please do not panic; I do not repeat each scene from various points of view.) I do not label my chapters with character names, subsequently, your key is thus: Chapter titles that are short & succinct are Bella's, long witticisms are Esme's; song titles are in quotes, belonging to Edward, and Rose's are questions, finished off with an interrobang (‽).

The team of greatness: cookEgawd, Blackjacklily, Detochkina and MunkeeRajah.

*double muah* to KayMarieXW

Lastly, much love to you wonderful few who have been recommending this story in various places. Please know that these things do tend to get back to me and I sincerely appreciate your kind words.

A wonderful holiday season to everyone!

**Oh, PS: This was originally written from Bella's POV, but something told me Edward is who we really needed to hear here. If you want to know Bella's side of things, it'll be posted as an outtake separate from this story.**

* * *

><p><strong>"In Limbo"<strong>

She looked so sad sitting there on her bed. She was hugging something, books of some sort, in her arms. I needed to know what was making her so downcast.

"Bella?"

She looked up at me, and for a minute I thought her stare was her attempt at trying to convince herself that I was really there.

"Edward."

Her voice came out breathy and faint, much like the voice she spoke in when she was in the midst of dreaming. I felt another heaping dose of regret, as had become the norm for me whenever I had to decipher her reactions to my presence. I would never forgive myself for the hell I had created for her and for myself.

"Are you all right?" I asked.

"Me? Oh, yeah, I'm fine."

"May I enter?"

"Yes, of course."

I walked in and closed the door behind me. I fought the urge to turn the lock; if anyone dared to interrupt me today I might just have to hurt them. Especially if it ends up being Alice.

"I'd actually expected to see you sooner." She sat up and put the books she held aside on the bed.

"I've been trying very, very hard to give you a requisite amount of space while your friend was visiting. It has required an amount of patience that prior to now I would have thought unattainable, I promise you. Alas, I am not here looking to be lauded for my efforts. I came here to talk about you."

Hopefully she would never have any idea how often I contemplated disposing of Jacob Black. One day I spent several hours daydreaming, working out just which scenario might allow me to get away with his murder without inciting the wrath of the tribe and dissolution of the treaty. I let the memory go for the time being. It was more important to be fully in the moment now that I had Bella all to myself for however long this visit might be. I walked over to her and lifted the back of her hand to my lips. I relished the feeling of her skin against them, drawing this small action out for as long as I possibly could.

Get it together, Edward, you have work to do. Yes, the hyacinths. It's time to beg for forgiveness for your lack of foresight.

"I apologize for the hyacinths, by the way. I have to admit that I'm trying to ignore the irony of your response, lest my feelings get hurt."

Every day of the past week and a half, I had hundreds of flowers delivered to her room. Each day's delivery was a full replacement for the previous day's, and always a different combination of blooms, selected in order to convey a specific message. The downside of this was that it masked her scent and just about every other scent in a half-mile radius. Apparently Bella had insisted that Alice give the previous day's flowers to residents of her choice, so now the entire wing of the building smelled like a flower shop.

It was worth it, however, if Bella even remotely considered the gesture a positive thing, and apparently she did feel that way—until Thursday, at least. Purple hyacinths supposedly symbolized a request for forgiveness; they were a floral apology, and they were my pick for Thursday's delivery of five hundred blooms. Bella's body decided to revolt with sneezing, a runny nose, and eyes that had swollen shut within thirty minutes of returning to her room. I was thankful for Alice's continued presence; she later told me the story of how she hurriedly retrieved them and scattered them over the steep side of an embankment beside a set of railroad tracks a half mile away.

Bella smiled. "Nothing personal, I assure you. I figured out most of them, but what were the tiny pink and white ones from Friday?"

"Alyssum. They are a symbol of 'worth beyond beauty.' Did you like them?"

"I did. They were ... quaint. Tell me, is there a theme to the new master plan you've got going on?"

"Well, our first pairing resulted from a somewhat desultory mix of near-death experiences for you coupled with my oscillating desire to either love you or kill you. I figured this time around, having resolutely decided upon the love option rather than the alternative, I would go the old-fashioned route and go through the motions of courting you in a more traditional sense."

"Ahh, so that's the plan. What's next on the list?"

"Well, since you mention it, I'm sure you remember that today is your birthday."

Her face fell.

I began to worry this wouldn't go well. "I assumed that would be your response."

"Why is it that everyone's so good at remembering my birthday when I'm pretty good at completely forgetting about it?"

"Will you ever give up at trying to convince people they should stop doing things to show they care about you?"

She opened her mouth to answer but closed it again. I wondered what could have influenced her to be reasonable about gift receiving for once. I also wanted to know what it was she had been hugging when I walked into the room. I assumed whatever it was had once been wrapped in the atrociously loud red wrapping paper that was laying in tatters on her desk.

"Besides," I said, "it looks like I am late for the gift-giving already. That hardly seems fair."

She blanched at the mention.

"Jake left a few days ago, and he wanted me to open my gift in front of him. It was unexpected."

"Ah-ha." I tried to imperceptibly sniff at the air. I was sure I had failed because I couldn't restrain myself from wrinkling my nose when the faint whiff of dog caught my notice. How on earth did Alice manage to tolerate it these past two weeks?

"So is that my gift?" She pointed at the compact disc laying on my lap.

I smiled when I saw excitement on her face I was sure she did not intend to expose. "No, this is just how I've been spending the majority of my time since I haven't been able to monopolize yours, and it's not like I really need to study for standard freshman-level classes. I've been in the Music department's practice rooms a lot. Very peaceful. It seems that now that my muse is close by, I've found a lot of inspiration to compose again. I've brought you some of the fruits of my labor. I don't consider it worthy enough to be one of your birthday gifts, but I wanted you to have it, regardless."

I got up to place it on her desk next to her mini-stereo, but she stopped me.

"Wait—I'll take it," she said.

I placed the disc case in her outstretched hand, again allowing my touch to linger as long as I could manage.

She closed her eyes and I heard her heart rate pick up. I used to love that sound back when I knew it was because she was in love with me. Back then it reassured me; now it scared me. I did not know if it meant she was afraid of my touch or if she was afraid to be near me in general. I could no longer calculate an accurate assessment of her emotional reactions. I needed to distract her, hoping it would help make her calm. I smiled at her to hide how distraught I felt.

"You'll let me know if you like it?" I asked.

I lost myself in my thoughts for a second, and before I knew it, I was standing over her, leaning in to kiss her. She looked like she was about to go into shock.

"Bella?"

Her eyes looked a bit dazed when she opened them, but her heart rate had slowed a little.

"Oh, yes, of course. Of course I will. I'm sure I'll love it."

I drifted off into my own thoughts again. This was killing me; this dance of always trying to figure out what she was thinking, trying not to scare her, trying to get close to her, trying not to get too close to her. It was agony trying to figure everything out and always make the right move, and it was all entirely my own fault that we were here. I recalled a poem I had once read. A poem about lovers the poet had encountered, but from the way it was written it was obvious that he thought we all had the potential for an excruciating amount of missed opportunity, for experiencing the regret he recounted in the verse. I was lost in my own remorse when I started reciting it aloud:

_"While rain, with eve in partnership,_  
><em>descended darkly, drip, drip, drip,<em>  
><em>beyond the last lone lamp I passed<em>  
><em>walking slowly, whispering sadly,<em>  
><em>two linked loiterers, wan, downcast:<em>  
><em>some heavy thought constrained each face,<em>  
><em>and blinded them to time and place."<em>

I had spoken the first verse aloud when I realized my slip. My eyes lifted to meet hers, but I could not speak. I only stood, focused, once again, on trying to figure out what she was thinking.

"Sorry about that."

I started to back away from her when I felt her hand on my arm. I had never even seen her reach for me; it was a testament to how lost I was in my brooding.

I had to know what exactly I had done to scare her so. "What's wrong?"

Her heart was beating steadily but far too quickly, her chest rising and falling. I could smell adrenaline flooding her bloodstream, and her eyes were wide with panic. Her reaction was so sudden that I surmised that it couldn't have been me. She must be hurt. Maybe she shifted awkwardly and had injured herself further. I needed to find what was wrong, and I began to shift her this way and that, trying to discover the source of her discomfort. I had five more seconds to figure it out before I would lose myself in agony and hysteria.

"No, no, I'm okay! I just ... something in your expression scared me."

It was me. I had scared her. How did I repeatedly manage to muck things up so absolutely? Why couldn't I control myself? Had I learned to rely on my telepathy so completely that I couldn't even understand basic body language?

"That's something you never have to worry about, ever, I swear to you, I won't lose control of my thirst—"

"No, Edward, it wasn't that."

I was thoroughly confused.

"I don't like it when you get sullen like that. It ..." She paused for a long moment. "It makes me think you're about to leave."

God, what have I done?

I couldn't stand it anymore, I needed to touch her, to feel her. I had to reassure her as well as myself. I sat beside her on the bed and tried to wrap my arms around her, ignoring the myriad of braces that covered so many places on her body. I forced myself to calm just a little, so that I wouldn't cry out the words that I spoke next.

"Bella, I'm not leaving you again, I'm not leaving you ever. I'm only awaiting your word, and when I finally get it you'll be lucky to get a breath of air without me being under your nose, I promise you."

She tensed for a moment, but then tried to relax. Her braces were hindering her efforts. She said nothing.

"Here, let me support you for a while."

I gently removed her neck and back braces so that she could recline into my arms, and so that I could hold her closer. Once she settled into me, I kissed her shoulder. It didn't know if it was the right decision, I only knew that I couldn't hold back any longer. I began at the shoulder but made my way slowly, languidly around to the back of her neck. In my need, my greed, I needed to know if touching the back of her neck would still affect her the way it used to. I wanted to see if I could affect her the way I once could.

I was half way to my destination when she started to moan. It was very faint, but it was there, and even if it was just for a moment, I could feel that she wanted me near her. I would not dare to hope for more. I tenderly swept her hair aside so that I could kiss the back of her neck.

That was when I saw it.  
>I tensed instantly. Had I any inkling I would encouter something so shocking I would have been able to suppress my reaction, but there was nothing to warn me. My sudden rigidity woke Bella from her beautiful stupor.<p>

Why is this here and what does it mean? I couldn't manage to speak in anything louder than a whisper.

"Bella, what … is this?"

I could almost feel the effort it took to pull herself from wherever her mind had gone, and I instantly felt horrible for ruining the moment.

"What's what?" she squeaked.

All I could do was stroke the spot at the base of her neck where I had just lifted her hair.

"That."

She was silent for a long time.

"That's my ... tattoo."

"You ... have ... a tattoo." I was incredulous.

"A lot of things happened while you were away."

Obviously, but what possible unholy combination of events could have happened to possess you to do this? And why is it in the shape of a wolf?

I yanked at the reins of my anger and pulled them back sharply, trying everything in my power to keep control of myself.

"I can see that. Is that ... a wolf?"

It was not large, perhaps two, maybe three inches in diameter, but it wasn't the concept of a tattoo that bothered me so greatly. The design was obviously similar to the tattoo that Jacob wore on his arm, and also much like the pattern on the books that lay on the bed on Bella's other side. From what I could tell, it was a pictogram of a wolf standing in front of a human. If ever I could have committed murder against another sentient being and enjoyed it, it would have been at that moment. That dog had managed to brand the woman I loved.

"Yeah, there are a few of us who know about the wolves, and we all have the same tat. It's a symbol for those of us who are under the protection of the pack."

You managed to find an even more permanent way than pissing on her to label her as yours, didn't you, mutt? If I ever get my hands on you ...

"What made you decide to get it done?"

What drugs did he make you take that dulled your decision making so greatly, my love? Or was it that you loved him? It matters not; not really. I'm going to rip him into confetti regardless.

"I got it the day after they killed Laurent. It helped reinforce the feeling that I wasn't alone; I was protected. When I was afraid, it helped me remember that I would be safe as long as they were around."

"I see."

Again, I remembered that none of this would have happened if I had never left. Bella speaking was the only thing that could have awakened me from my contemplation. I held her tighter. God as my witness, I would never leave her unprotected again.

"Does it upset you, Edward?"

"What upsets me is that there was ever a need for it at all. I never imagined the number of ways I could end up paying for my folly."

I am only livid at myself, my love, not with you. The blame is entirely mine, though I reserve my right to hate the wolf child at my leisure.

I kissed her lightly in the center of the markings, trying to reassure her that I wasn't upset with her, desperately wanting to repair the evening since I had darkened the mood. I tried to recall the rest of my agenda for the visit.

"I'd like to finish this discussion about your birthday while I have you in a good, generous mood," I said.

She sighed, and I tried to deduce why but couldn't figure it out.

"Okay then, what are you proposing?"

"Well, I promised Esme and Alice that I would try for a small gathering at the house—"

"No way in hell."

"I figured as much. Then how about I bring their gifts in here, and you can open them in the comfort of your own room, just you and I."

"All right, that sounds reasonable."

She actually smiled when she said it; it was a good sign. I felt I should strike while the iron was hot. "One more thing. Back to that old-school courtship I mentioned earlier? I'd like to take you out on a date. You know, dinner followed by some activity deemed to be mutually enjoyable. If you don't have plans for mid-semester break, I think that would work out well. There's an orchestra playing a 'From Russia With Love' theme. Mussorgsky's 'Pictures at an Exhibition' will be featured, so I thought it might be fun to go."

She smiled again and I knew I was on the right track.

"I guess we never have really been out on a formal date, huh? I suppose I'm up for the challenge, but one thing does confuse me—you don't dine ... at the same places I do. I'll be eating alone the whole time while you watch, in the middle of a restaurant, no less. It's kinda awkward."

"Don't worry, I'll be sure to make suitable arrangements." I was fully prepared for her objection to this.

I gently lifted her so that I could remove myself and get the presents from her suite's hallway. When I returned I placed them in a neat stack on the floor beside her bed and sat as close to her body as I could and still manage to see her face. I wanted to gauge her reaction to each gift. I braced myself, hoping that her goodwill wouldn't end when she sighted the gifts. I was pleasantly surprised; she instead looked at the mound of perfectly wrapped gifts with what I could have sworn was a bit of glee.

"Jeez, what's that big one?"

"I don't know, actually. I don't know what half these things are. Some of them I found at the front door with a note attached instructing me to deliver these to you along with the rest of the haul. I suspect it's because someone's trying to hide something from me."

I attempted to hide my discomfort at the thought. I picked up the largest box first, the one she inquired about, and sat it beside her on the bed.

"This one is from Rose, and although she would never say it herself, Alice assured me that Rose wants you to know that she actually picked these out herself, on her own."

Bella's jaw dropped ever so slightly, and she looked down at the large, sparkly silver box again.

She began to peel back every flap with the tender precision of a origami artist.

"Bella, I will not hurt you, I can guarantee you this. It is just you and me, so you can open these without worry."

She looked up at me with a hesitant, worried gaze, then began to open the present with only slightly less caution. I supposed that I shouldn't complain. The longer it took, the longer I had an excuse to stay here with her.

"Yes!"

It was a box full of rock climbing gear, meant to replace what was damaged or lost two weeks ago. I wasn't too keen on anyone encouraging Bella's newly beloved hobbies from hell, but I would take that up with them later. For now I would be supportive, or at least pretend to be.

"I suppose you'll have to go through it and make sure it's what you need. I'd bet she purchased whatever the salesman threw at her."

Bella was grinning so hard, I was sure she hadn't heard me. She was completely focused on the cache of ropes and various metal bits and devices that filled the heavy box.

"Yes, well, moving on ... this one is from Alice ... and technically from myself, I suppose."

I handed her a thick envelope sized package, wrapped in a pale, pastel purple and covered in so much silver ribbon that she had a problem finding where to pull to get to the paper.

She gasped once she did get it open, and her hands reflexively clasped the contents to her chest.

"They're ... my photos. The ones that ... disappeared."

"You're being kind. They're the ones that were stolen from you, and I offer my sincerest apologies. I will always be ashamed for having done that to you."

She said nothing, just looked down at the photos in her hands.

"There are also some there that were taken in that same time period that I'm not sure you've seen before. It should be enough to fill your photo album."

She nodded and put them aside, placing them on top of those books that I hated more and more with each passing minute simply because I knew who they were from.

"This one," I said, putting another box on the bed quickly, "is from Jasper and Emmett. I don't have a clue what it is, so good luck."

"Awesomesauce!" Again she looked gleeful after opening the box.

I tried not to groan. It was replacement gear for motorcycle riding. A padded jacket, a-top-of the-line helmet, gloves, and several collapsible garments that she could unpack and wear in to protect her from rain. I was somewhat pleased that they wanted her to be safe while riding, but still agitated by the gift overall, as I was hoping I could keep her from ever setting foot on that motorbike again. I quickly sat the box back on the floor once she seemed to be done searching through it, and replaced it with a small, white, velvet cube held closed by a simple, black bow. The shape elicited a raised brow from Bella, and I wondered if she had, for however short a time, wondered if there was a proposal coming. Then I wondered if a proposal was something she would even remotely react kindly to. My mind started reeling, and I had to pull myself back into the moment.

"This is from Carlisle and Esme."

She took the box from my hands with a look of curiosity and wonder. At first she cracked it open only slightly, as if checking to make sure nothing was amiss with the contents. Another second and she had lifted the lid completely, and proceeded to stare with wide, surprised eyes.

"They told me to let you know that you are only expected to begin wearing it if and when you are fully ready to do so. You are under no obligation; it is only intended to signify that they do consider you a full member of the family, and they wanted a way to demonstrate this to you."

It was a small, delicately shaped platinum ring, the Cullen family crest engraved on the otherwise flat, smooth, oval face. There were two tiny, perfect diamonds that flanked the sides of the crest, and her name was carved into the inside of the ring. She stared at it for at least several minutes. I sat patiently until I could not bear not knowing how she was feeling.

"Love? Do you not like it, I can return it to them, they'll understand—"

"No, it's fine. It's beautiful, really. I'm sure I'll get a chance to relay my appreciation, but you'll see them sooner, so thank them for me anyway. It's just ... a bit of a shock is all ... but it really is quite lovely."

She closed the box after another minute and placed it in her lap. I wasn't expecting her to put it on, but part of me had hoped she would. She was still staring at the closed box when I interrupted her.

"There is one more gift from Esme that I was unable to bring with me, unfortunately."

"That can't be, Edward, this is already too much!"

I was afraid I was beginning to stretch her gift-accepting patience too thin. Here was the proof, and I still hadn't gotten to my gift yet. I sighed and waited for her curiosity to force her to ask me for more information.

"So what's the deal with this second gift?"

"I've been given permission to tell you what it is, but it cannot be brought to you, you'll have to come see it when you're ready."

"Okay ..."

"Esme thinks that perhaps you'll be willing to come over and spend more time with the family if you have your own space there. She thought that if you could come and go as you pleased without feeling like a guest, per se, maybe you would do so often. Again, there is no intent to pressure you. It is just there should you need it. So you now have your own room at 'The Manor Cullen,' and here's a key to the house. I must say, she's done it up like nothing I've ever seen before. Even if you never use it, I think she got a real kick out of decorating it. She's dedicated most of the last two weeks to it."

I handed her the key rather unceremoniously, as that was how Esme requested the task be done. Bella took it and placed it on top of the box that was in her lap. The look on her face was completely undecipherable, and I tried not to let it rattle my confidence.

"Well, we're almost done here. You're doing great, Bella. If I had known you'd be this gracious I probably would have brought you more."

"I'm trying very, very hard, you know. This smile isn't on my face without effort. It really makes me uncomfortable to know that everyone went to such trouble for me."

"Well, if you could hold on to your patience for just a while longer, you only have two more to go."

"Two?"

"Yes, both from me, but the second one is partially a hand-me-down, and the first one doesn't count at all, as you'll see."

She bit her lip and looked down at the cornflower blue, gathered, cambresine sack I handed to her. Inside were four volumes of thick, soft leather bound books.

"These are my journals from the past four years. If you have any desire to read these, I want you to be able to do so. I cannot come up with a better way for you to understand how I've felt about you from the beginning; why I made the decisions that I did. If it is at all possible for you to truly understand how much I love you, hopefully this will help convey that."

I didn't really give her a chance to respond; I sat them aside immediately, suddenly nervous that she would begin to read them while I was in the room. I wouldn't be able to stand it if she did. She looked at me strangely as I handed her the second gift. It was smaller box than most of the rest she had received that day, covered in black silk and three times as wide as it was tall.

"Edward, what else could you possibly give me?"

"This ... is a rather unconventional piece, but I thought it was appropriate considering its symbolism and, well, considering that nothing about either of us is really conventional. I also thought that—well, I'll let you open it first."

She ran her hand along the smooth silk before she gently pulled the ribbon ends away from the box and lifted the lid. Inside was a thin band of metal that formed a near-complete circle. On the tip of one of the ends was a heart cut gem that glowed a brilliant, deep crimson from every facet. Bella looked up at me with a warning glare, and I could tell that if I didn't explain soon she would burst from the assumption that I had bought her something ridiculously expensive. I could also tell that from the shape of it she couldn't quite figure out what it was. The latter thought made me grin wickedly.

"This is an armlet."

I saw her mouth form an "O" shape in understanding.

"The band is titanium. The crystal is something I inherited from my mother."

"Edward! This isn't anything incredibly expensive, is it? It's not a ruby or a garnet or anything, right?"

I couldn't help but laugh. I would ignore her first question in favor of the second. "No, love, it is neither a ruby nor a garnet. I could have had it mounted on anything, but I chose an armlet because it's least likely to get in your way if you decide to wear it while doing anything like climbing or the like, and because it is said that if one wears one of these—" I pointed to the glimmering red stone. "—bound to their left arm, they will be awarded victory, no matter the number of enemies. While it may purely be the stuff of myth, I figured every bit of protection counts when it comes to you. Forgive my arrogance, but I wanted you to have something that might remind you of me. It is a heart, cold and still, but still red, still a heart, and all of it that I possess belongs to you."

"Thank you," she whispered, "for both. This is absolutely beautiful, and—" She looked at the stack of journals. "—I think being able to get in your head for a while ... they'll help me understand."

If only I could have the same opportunity.

"You're always welcome, love." I swallowed, my throat dry and burning, thirst suddenly increasing its potency in order to compete with my longing.

"Well, I know you've had a long afternoon, and Alice should be returning soon. I should leave you and give you a chance to rest before she talks your ear off about your gifts." I looked at my watch. "It's also a weekday, so I'm sure you probably still have studying to do."

She gazed at me for a minute before replying. "Actually, if you don't have anywhere you need to be, I'd rather you stay. It's ... easier for me."

I did everything I could to hide the relief I felt at hearing those words.

"Of course. Whatever you need, love."

I put her gifts away in the various corners of her room where it seemed most appropriate, then climbed beside her into bed, taking her back into my arms. We remained there, like that, until deep into the evening, Bella fast asleep against me, I did not move until Alice returned and I knew it was time for me to slip out into the darkness, lest I overstay my welcome. Before I left, Alice asked me if Bella had dreamt. She had not. Alice was skeptical.

"No nightmares, no screaming? No nothing?"

"Nothing. She's been very peaceful."

Alice smiled, apparently pleased. "You may not believe it yet, but you're good for her, you know."

I could only shrug. I was still eons away from believing that.

"One last question: how the evening it for you, dear brother?"

There was no point in downplaying it, so I told her my truth.

"It was the closest to heaven I have been in three years."


	21. Chapter TwentyOne: The Chrononaut

_**Reminder: Due to some rather complicated issues (not necessarily good), I'll be updating this story more often (somewhat good), but it means that input from a couple members of my usual team may be missing occasionally and I'd therefore like to make it clear than any screw ups are entirely my own.**_

_Also, a thanks to Emergency Beta Service for their Boot Camp service, because I needed a kick in the butt to get some things written._

_**Special POV Note: This chapter starts in Bella's POV, but is mostly Edward's via his journal entries. Edward's entries are italicized. **_

_The team of greatness: cookEgawd, Blackjacklily, Detochkina and MunkeeRajah._

_*double muah* to KayMarieXW_

_Lastly, much love to you wonderful few who have been recommending this story in various places. Please know that these things do tend to get back to me and I sincerely appreciate your kind words._

_A wonderful holiday season to everyone!_

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><p><strong>Chapter Glossary: (you might want to look at this)<strong>

This may surprise you, but Edward's an old fart. (Shocker!) When he's speaking to the mundanes, he tries to adjust his formal speech to the times, but there's no need for that in his own journals where it's just him and his thoughts, so he's free to use idioms and euphemisms that were popular when he was a child & young adult back in the early 20th century. It's hard to figure some of these out even in context, and I'm going to assume most of you haven't buried your noses in 19th century texts as I've often been forced to, so in case you need some definitions, here's a glossary:

Beyond the pale: beyond what is socially acceptable.

Cogitations: unpleasant thoughts.

Defile: a noun meaning a narrow area where few can pass through at a time.

Demency: wrath.

Fag end: last, dying days.

Graveled: perplexed.

Gull: to trick, to fool.

In close neighborhood: nearby.

Inveigling: luring, cajoling.

Obloquy: false accusations or malicious gossip.

Pusillanimity: cowardice.

Rectitude: honesty, morality. Honor.

Shoat: a young pig.

Something in train: something planned.

Verdant: lush, fertile.

Well over the bay: drunk.

Heretic's fork: (torture device) a metal rod with two prongs at both ends, attached to a leather strap worn around the neck. The top fork would be placed under the fleshy part of the neck under the chin, and the other dug into the bone of the sternum, keeping the neck stretched and the head erect at all times.

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><p><p>

**The Chrononaut. **

The very next moment I had alone, I locked the door behind me and limped over to my closet, scrambling to reach the cambresine sack I had so carefully hidden. Once my fingers found the bag I tenderly pulled it towards me, then proceeded to clumsily hoist myself up onto my bed.

I opened the first soft, light-tan, leather-bound, hand-stitched book and turned to the first page. It was thin and delicate, reminiscent of rice paper, and the script written upon it took my breath away.

I had seen Edward's handwriting before, but only via the occasional sentence. This was page after page of flourishes, uniquely drawn letter combinations that were more beautiful than the most interesting typographic ligatures I had ever seen. It was pretty but strong—masculine—and I got lost in the image of the words for a spell before I was able to pull myself back and read the actual text.

_The Journal of E.M.C. _

_January 2_

I knew I would at some point read every word, but at that moment I had a specific need to fill and had to skip to the relevant parts. I turned the pages until I saw the date that interested me most.

_September 13_

I'd found it. I braced myself and tried to prepare for whatever I might discover.

_The inevitable has finally happened. I had always known that she could never flourish around us. How could she live when constantly surrounded by harbingers of death? In this one place I can speak without reticence, let me not mince words—we are killers, try as we might to be otherwise, and I, he who has stolen the most human life save for one other, somehow managed to forget how much of a danger we pose to her. Earlier this night, she nearly paid the price for my folly._

_I have asked myself many times: with so many things in the world that I can protect her from, why can I not safeguard her from us? Perhaps I could manage to erect the most intricately gilded cage for her, but for every safe there is someone who can and will find a way to crack it. Besides, it wouldn't be a life for her, and that was the crux of the issue, wasn't it? A human lifetime—one with all the changes, opportunities, and possibilities that made each day an adventure—this was what I wanted for her. It was what she deserved. This existence that I have introduced her to is a trap, and I unintentionally lured her in. My actions have been criminal, and I can't let her pay for my malfeasance. I won't. _

_The nature of Alice's visions were dynamic and vacillating, but her vision of my Bella as one of us has remained constant, and there is no worse fear for me in this world. My default reaction was to deny the possibility, my conceit having convinced me that I could redirect predestination onto another path. I suspect that tonight was a divine warning, a lesson to firmly remind me of my power's limits. My repudiation has come to an end; I cannot see any way to remain at her side without dooming her to share my fate. _

_I know what I have to do. No one will want to accept the solution. I do not want to accept the truth of it, and I am not remotely certain I will survive it. _

_The only question to remain is how to repair the damage I have caused. I have no doubt that I will have to hurt her in order to leave her—a temporary and superficial pain born of her belief that she desperately loves me—but surely I can count on her youth and the limitations of the human mind to help me in this sin I must commit, yes? She cannot understand that which time and my surfeit of experience with human nature has taught me: her love for me is temporary. It will change; it will lose its luster. She will move on and find someone that can make her happy. He will not be able to love her as I do, that is simply not possible, but he will be enough, and I will only exist for her as a series of scenes that occurred in such a short period of time, so long ago. We will have been little more than a dream. The only solace I can imagine I may take from this is that I can rest assured, knowing that eventually I will fade to memory, and it is certainly I who will bear the brunt of the repercussions of dissevering us. _

_How will I manage to follow through with this? Even now, as I write, it feels as if I'm plotting to rupture my—my what? My soul? Perhaps I will find I am wrong after all, and I might still possess a spirit. Something inside me is aware that the potential pain of this plan goes beyond the emotional or even a tangible, physical threshold; this is something more. I do not know what it is in the whole of me that will attempt to absorb the damage if it is not my soul._

_Tonight, I will ask everyone to prepare to leave. They will argue, but they will also understand. Of this, I am certain. Tomorrow, I will tell her I am leaving. I must steel myself to become the monster she has refused to believe is inside of me, and I will prepare myself for my self-destruction._

My chest tightened and my stomach grew unsteady. I thought I would lose my breakfast any second, my body's muscle memory recalling each detail of how I felt at what I knew was coming. I braced my pillow against the journal to keep it open while I wrapped my arms around myself, wondering both how I would continue to read and how I could possibly stop. I stared at the period that finished his last sentence for what felt like forever. The sun had started its descent behind the eastern horizon when I finally gathered the courage to continue.

_September 15_

_It is done. I am breaking her, and I have ruined myself._

With that one line, the floodgates opened. I couldn't go on. A fresh torture began as everything I'd experienced on that day bombarded my memory.

The nightmares didn't find me that night, because sleep did not come.

Still awake though dawn was fast approaching, I decided I had no choice than to read on. I wouldn't be able to find peace again otherwise.

_January 12_

_What possessed me to think I could follow through on my intentions? Forcing myself to remain functional through this becomes less realistic each day. _

_I have been following Victoria's trail down through the Americas. I thought it would keep me occupied and focused, as well as ensure Bella's safety against the last threat my world would pose to her, but how wrong was I! I can think of nothing except her. In fact, a curious thing has begun to happen to me regularly: when I stand in stillness, I lose all sense of time and place in favor of reliving every touch, each time she looked at me, and recounting each instance with wonder. When my awareness returns to this tiny, stuffy hovel I inhabit in Ecuador, I find that I am no longer standing where I started. If I am a being that is capable of complete control of my body, why is it, then, I find I have unintentionally shifted inches, always in the direction of Forks. I am being pulled to her, and only a very determined, active resistance keeps my resolve from cracking. _

_Each hour is an assault on my senses. Without being able to feel her warmth, I have begun to lose my sense of touch. Unable to look at her, I notice little. Prevented from kissing her, my tongue has atrophied; I do not taste, even when I feed. I have retained only my ability to smell, and solely because I need it to track Victoria. I fear this, too, is broken, as I have not been able to catch her scent in at least a week. _

_I am so incredibly weary. _

_I could give up. Perhaps it is not too late—I could be at her doorstep in twelve hours. Good god, the relief that would come from being able to see her!_

_That moment of peace for me would result in an endless hell for her._

I cannot!

_I have to remain, even though I feel myself slipping further into the abyss._

_November 27_

_I have taken up temporary residence in a studio apartment in Porto Alegre. There is a small boy in close neighborhood. I notice him only because he is watchful and vigilant. I feel his eyes on me from his apartment window on each rare occurrence of when I leave to hunt. This morning I heard him ask his mother why the man next door cries so often. I hear him wonder why the man is always sad. I am only slightly curious as to whom he is referring to; I have heard no sobbing._

_February 30_

_I have lost Victoria's trail. This has all been an exercise in futility. I am sure she is gone, content to have escaped me and my attempt to tie loose ends. I am failing Bella._

_I heard little Egídio thinking in his bedroom earlier this evening. In his bed, preparing for slumber, he was trying to think of ways he might be able to cheer up the weeping man. I wonder if the man lives on the other side of the boy, and if that was why I could not hear him. Regardless, I am not surprised that I know not of whom the boy speaks; it has been so much harder to stay aware of things lately. _

_September 13_

_Today, like every day, I lost myself in my memories of Bella. Closing my eyes and drawing on my perfect recall is, in many ways, close to a state of slumber. It is the only time I am close to contentment. Unfortunately, on this night, I was unable to restrict myself to the happier scenes from our time together; it is Bella's birthday, and I found the cogitations seep in. I was forced to recount every second of the night I heard the desperation of each one of my siblings as they momentarily thirsted for her blood. _

_I was jolted from my waking nightmare by someone thinking clearly and loudly. It was Egídio, projecting his sympathies to the mystery man. _

I am sorry you have such sadness, Mister. I wonder what you have lost that makes you cry so much. Today must be worse, somehow. I have never heard you grieve so loudly.

_I felt the tenor of his mind change as he slipped into his subconscious. Once he was soundly asleep, I pulled my attention away in order to leave him in the privacy of his slumber. Once I opened my eyes and reaffirmed my surroundings: I still lay on the bare mattress in the corner of the room, the only piece of furniture I had bothered to obtain. The lights were off and the room was empty save for me, the walls, my abandoned cellular phone, plugged up and dangling from the kitchen island, and the bright beams of green, red, yellow, and blue light that pierced the darkness through the gap in the curtains, reminding me of the city's bustling nightlife; all that existed outside of this cage. There was, however, one new sensation—a wetness on my naked chest. I ran my hand across my collarbone before lifting it to my nose. Blood. When I narrowed my eyes to focus my eyes onto this sight, I felt a stickiness on my face. I swiped across my cheeks. More blood_.

It is finally happening. I'm disintegrating.

_I realized that I would welcome the thought of the "final death," if that was, indeed, what this was. I actually smiled as I slowly made my way to the bathroom to investigate this mysterious bloodletting. When I stood in front of the stained, dirty mirror, I couldn't comprehend what it was I saw there. Thick, dark streams, the color of wine, started from the corners of my eyes, lined my face and had fallen to form a pool on my sternum. _

_I was graveled. This wasn't supposed to be possible. I must be mistaken—it simply wasn't possible. Could I be the man for which the little Brazilian boy felt such great sympathy?_

_January 5_

_Today I made yet another new discovery. Not only could we cry if our pain was great enough, but we could also sleep if our privation was deep enough. I had not fed in months, and I suspect my body had begun to enter a stasis of sorts—a hibernation. I found neither dreams nor peace in this unconsciousness; I only ceased to exist for some unknown amount of time, there having been nothing in my hovel to reveal to me the day or time. I would have been content to remain there, pleased to fade away into non-being, but I awoke eventually, and when I did, I came-to with the most ravenous yearning for blood. _

_I cannot adequately describe the thirst, and my only comparable experience was what I felt when I first caught wind of Bella's smell. I wanted to take her then. This time, I wanted to take the world. The city was verdant with blood; I could smell the contents of the seven hundred jugulars that surrounded me within a quarter mile, and I wanted_ all _of them. _

_While my essence has been that of a monster for almost a hundred years, this was the first time my appearance reflected it. A brief look at my reflection revealed that which was unrecognizable. This face was gaunt and drawn, my features distorted, and my eyes—disturbing even to me—were spaces that were no longer filled with an iris. I could see, but could not find what enabled my vision. They were orbs of solid black._

_My opinion of myself and my nature shifts and adjusts over time. I have at various points hated myself, reveled in my own glory, and accepted all that I am. Throughout that time I have never, ever_ feared _myself the way I do this night. It is like being intoxicated on the most potent of drugs—I have no control of my emotions or actions, and there is only a minuscule fragment of Edward left. I am holding on tight in the back of this consciousness, hoping and wishing that we—the demon-Edward and I— will not_ _massacre half this city. It is this fragment that allows me to say this now, having just enough power over this fiend to recognize the importance that I write this down because I do not want you to have to figure obloquy from truth. You will know exactly what happened here, tonight. If I am soon to be destroyed, you must know that I did not wish this. I have allowed myself to wallow in this self-pity, and I apologize that I have allowed it to push me to harm others. This was never something in train; I gulled myself into thinking that I could waste away. I suffer from such pusillanimity, and I only wanted_ relief from my pain_, and was unaware that my self-serving wants could land me here. I am beyond the pale, and am unsure there will be any return._

_I am about to leave my room for the first time in months. This being no longer has rectitude, and I know that something, some_one _might feel my demency this evening. I can only pray they not be human._

_Father, Mother, & my Love — _

_I am sorry._

_January 7_

_The boy. He had decided to defy his mother, wanting to play beyond the moment the street lights turned on and far past the point where his mother could watch him from the apartment's windows. He was just a shoat in our eyes, inveigling me down into the defile of nearby alleys. We followed him until our patience wore out, and reached out to grab him. We were well over the bay on just the bouquet of him; the liquid flowing through his veins more than just blood, it was ichor, ambrosia, and we were entirely prepared to partake. My hand reached around his neck, my fingers forming a heretic's fork at his throat. We caressed his burgeoning adam's apple, the beast within wanting to drink his fear in addition to his plasma, the last vestige of my sanity horrified and disgusted by the entire affair. We leaned in for the bite, our teeth ready to tear into the flesh of his neck like a hot knife through butter, tongue ready for the flood to come, but the motion, the obsessive yearning to witness his terror, required a passing glance into his eyes. _

_In that moment, I recognized him as human__—__and I did not care in the slightest. _

_We pulled him to us, ignoring his shallow cry. He spoke, a shallow pleading for his mother, for mercy. I recognized his tenor immediately. Egídio! _

_I, Edward, the still barely sane part of me, pulled forward and forced the demon to let him go. I stumbled backwards and watched him run back towards his home, unaware he only ran towards the nest of the monster that would, from here until his fag end, haunt his dreams. I stayed in control just long enough to run. I raced through the the city until I had reached the countryside, and there wasted the last of my will. The demon took control again, and laid waste to every mammal we could find within twenty miles of where we stood. It wasn't enough for him, but it was enough for me to regain control. We were satiated for the moment, but who knew how long it would last? Had I awakened something that would never go away? Would the demon refuse to return back to the bowels of my spirit where he would subsist only as a flicker, a flame hoping to take advantage of my weakness again?_

_I stumbled, demon subdued, back into the city, doused in blood and gore, ragged and half-blind, both cowed by the experience and acutely aware of what task lay before me. I cannot allow this to happen again. How could I risk living without control of myself? My mind reeled with a myriad of scenarios that could play out, all of them ending in bringing danger to my family or bringing harm to Bella. I am not selfish enough to allow this to come to pass. I have to find a way to end this, but I am of a breed that is incredibly difficult to exterminate. There is Bella, and there is the demon, and I want to possess one as much as I want to dispossess myself of the other. _

_I know of only one way to eliminate the risk, and only one method that will not allow me to renege on this decision. _

_I return to my hovel and pick up my phone for the first time in over a year. I ignore the fifty message indicators of calls from my family, and I ask to be connected to NHT Linhas Aéreas. I book a ticket to Gal Gallilei Airport in Pisa. From there I will make my way to Volterra, and I will embrace the demon within as we both burn in hell._

_May 1_

_I have done all I needed. My loose ends are tied, all legal matters have now been secured in a manner that will default to the Cullen estate when I am declared deceased. There is one last thing that I have to force myself to do, and I cannot ignore it any longer. I owe them a goodbye. Actually, I owe them far more, but this will have to suffice. It is all I have to give._

_I am a coward. I called, but hung up before anyone could answer. How could I tell them I was resigned to this fate? How would they respond? What would they do? Why put them through the added agony of knowing I was soon to meet my demise? Would it not be cleaner, easier for them to find out when it was already over and nothing left to be done?_

My breath caught. I detected a faint heat start to swell within me. It creeped up my spine and blossomed at the base of my brain. It was hysteria, and it was going to take over in any given moment. I trembled.

_The entry is old, Swan. He's still here, and he wouldn't have given these to me himself if he were going to follow through. Calm yourself._

Had he really intended to end it all? And because he couldn't bear to be without me? I wasn't sure how to feel, how to think. It was surely after the date of the entry, so something must have changed. What was it? Did it make me feel any better to know he had become so despondent?

So lost.

Was it comforting to me to know that he, though so far away, had to face his own ... demons? I thought not. I was inclined to think it made everything far worse. What was the purpose behind it all? Why such unnecessary pain?

However I allowed my anger to build over the futility of the situation, I couldn't ignore that the entries from his own pen told me everything I'd so longed to hear.

He needed me. Wanted me.

Wants me.

One last page.

_May 3_

_I do not know if this is divine intervention or an infernal power determined to prolong my hell on earth. _

_I was about to check out of the hotel in Pisa when my phone rang. I left the call to voicemail, but my guilt nagged at me. I pulled the phone back from my pocket to listen to the message. It was Esme. It was a long message, but it conveyed exactly what I didn't want to hear: a plea for time. I might have been able to ignore it had it not been for her expression of grievances. It was made clear that the entire family is suffering because of me, and she is at her wit's end. There was one thing she said in particular that hit me hard._

_I have given you all the love I have, and I have never asked anything of you in return. Today, I am asking. I am asking you to come home. It is time to make a new start, an it will not work if we cannot do this together._

_She was asking for one month. If I could not be settled in that time, I was free to leave and carry out my plans as I intend—with her blessing. She had no idea what she had just approved, but I would give her what she asked. _

Please, Agapatos ... do not give up. Not on us, and not on yourself.

_I shoved the phone back into my pocket, frustrated that just as I thought I had found clarity, I was being directed upon another path. She was right—she had never asked anything of me. _

_I thought of Carlisle. When I thought of him I recalled the times he endured my intractability, my tantrums, my pointless, immature rebellions. After each and every time he welcomed me home with open arms, and what had I learned from these experiences? Had I become a better person? How did I show my appreciation? What had I done this time but what I had done every other time—crawl into myself and pretend the world did not exist. Was I, perhaps, even more selfish and despicable than I had previously imagined? _

_I stopped just inside the doors of the hotel lobby._

_A bellboy entered and made the mistake of looking directly into my eyes. His innocuous stare quickly widening to reveal a twinge of fear behind his eyes._

"La macchina è qui, signore" _He had come in to let me know that the car I requested had arrived. _

"La macchina per portarmi a Volterra?" _I asked if it was the car I requested to take me to meet my end._

"Sissignore."

"C'è stato un cambio di programma. Ho bisogno di una macchina per portarmi in aeroporto." _I informed him of my change in plans. It was time to go back to my family. I still had the demon to worry about, and the ache of being without my other half would never dull, but I would give Esme her month. I would spend that time putting forth whatever effort she asked of me, I would pretend I had a modicum of self-control, and I would try my best to convey to them all how much I loved them, but I knew there was no solution to the problem that was innately me. This was a postponement of the inevitable, but I would see it through._

"Sì, certo, signore." _He ushered me to the awaiting car._ "Buona fortuna, ovunque si finisce, signore."

_If he only knew. There wasn't enough good luck in the world to fix the messes I had wrought._


	22. Chapter TwentyTwo: On Notice

_**Reminder: Due to some rather complicated issues (not necessarily good), I'll be updating this story more often (somewhat good), but it means that input from a couple members of my usual team may be missing occasionally and I'd therefore like to make it clear than any screw ups are entirely my own.**_

_Also, a thanks to Emergency Beta Service for their Boot Camp service, because I needed a kick in the butt to get some things written._

_The team of greatness: cookEgawd, Blackjacklily, Detochkina and MunkeeRajah._

_*double muah* to KayMarieXW_

_Lastly, much love to you wonderful few who have been recommending this story in various places. Please know that these things do tend to get back to me and I sincerely appreciate your kind words._

_A wonderful holiday season to everyone!_

**On Notice.**

I was sitting in the library, trying to study for my upcoming Differential Equations exam, and trying not to panic over the fact that I had gotten overly comfortable regarding how well I thought I'd been doing in the class. New subject matter had been introduced last Thursday, and I found myself suddenly and totally lost. Somehow it even managed to make me feel like I no longer understood the material I had already covered and thought I had mastered. The word "confusion" doesn't even begin to describe what I felt over the whole thing.

The only upside to the entire week was that at least I'd had more space over the past few days. It was over halfway through October, and I had gained quite a bit more strength in my limbs. Subsequently, I was more mobile and could manage to do most things for myself that didn't require long distances or repetition. Jasper was starting to get a little whiny about Alice being absent so often, and I only needed her help getting in and out of the shower at that point, so she made herself scarce more frequently.

Edward was scheduled to show up after his last class of the day in order to take me to my exam, and I was making a great effort trying to keep my brain on track. It had a nasty habit of daydreaming about Edward, and each day it got harder to keep my head in the game.

I had just settled down on the non-fiction floor after a trip up to the poetry section. I wanted to see if I could hunt down the poem Edward had started to recite forever ago, on the evening of my birthday. The words were haunting me, and I wanted to see if I could figure out what he was thinking or what was on his mind, and I figured I could only start to do that by finding the rest of the verse. I googled what little I remembered of it and found that it was probably a Thomas Hardy poem titled "Beyond the Last Lamp," so armed with that and my will, I set off on a library journey to find the whole thing. Fifteen minutes later I was knee-deep in a large tome of morose poetry, reading work on subjects that ran the gamut of the many dark sides of the human psyche. I was getting more melancholy by the minute and I imagined I'd feel relieved when I finally located the poem; I wanted to be done with it.

Finally, I found it.

_While rain, with eve in partnership,_  
><em>Descended darkly, drip, drip, drip,<em>  
><em>Beyond the last lone lamp I passed<em>  
><em>Walking slowly, whispering sadly,<em>  
><em>Two linked loiterers, wan, downcast:<em>  
><em>Some heavy thought constrained each face,<em>  
><em>And blinded them to time and place.<em>  
><em>The pair seemed lovers, yet absorbed<em>  
><em>In mental scenes no longer orbed<em>  
><em>By love's young rays. Each countenance<em>  
><em>As it slowly, as it sadly<em>  
><em>Caught the lamplight's yellow glance<em>  
><em>Held in suspense a misery<em>  
><em>At things which had been or might be.<em>  
><em>When I retrod that watery way<em>  
><em>Some hours beyond the droop of day,<em>  
><em>Still I found pacing there the twain<em>  
><em>Just as slowly, just as sadly,<em>  
><em>Heedless of the night and rain.<em>  
><em>One could but wonder who they were<em>  
><em>And what wild woe detained them there.<em>  
><em>Though thirty years of blur and blot<em>  
><em>Have slid since I beheld that spot,<em>  
><em>And saw in curious converse there<em>  
><em>Moving slowly, moving sadly<em>  
><em>That mysterious tragic pair,<em>  
><em>Its olden look may linger on -<em>  
><em>All but the couple; they have gone.<em>  
><em>Whither? Who knows, indeed ... And yet<em>  
><em>To me, when nights are weird and wet,<em>  
><em>Without those comrades there at tryst<em>  
><em>Creeping slowly, creeping sadly,<em>  
><em>That lone lane does not exist.<em>  
><em>There they seem brooding on their pain,<em>  
><em>And will, while such a lane remain.<em>

I read his story of two lovers witnessed in the darkness, and I imagined Edward and I, standing fifty years from now, staring at each other with unfulfilled longing in our eyes, regret in our hearts and many unsaid things lingering in a silence between us. I tried not to sniffle when I felt tears begin to fall and my nose start to clog. I knew then that he had imagined us this way as well; I understood his morose mood that evening.

I tried to snap myself out of it by reading some pieces I was already familiar with and liked. Eventually I was reminded of why I stopped reading fiction and prose in the first place. I saw an allegory of Edward and me in every verse. To switch gears, I decided to read some of Anaïs Nin's journal passages. It was still possible for me to stop dwelling on the dilemmas of my own life by losing myself in the details of hers. I read for another twenty minutes or so, then made my way two floors down, determined to redirect my attention onto studying.

I was re-reading a passage in my Applied Partial Differential Equations book for the fifth time when I began to feel uneasy. I lifted my head, my intuition telling me to look over my shoulder. When I did, I saw a young woman, likely not much older than me, sitting in the corner behind the space I'd made for myself. Her head dropped down after I turned, returning to her book, but the movement was deliberately slow. Apparently she was making no secret of the fact that she had been watching me. I turned back around, trying to find a less obvious way to fully swivel my wheelchair around and get a better look. I sat for another minute, hoping to catch a stroke of genius. It never came.

_Screw it._

I turned around anyhow, but she was no longer there. I immediately remembered what happened in Scotland Yard that day Jacob and I went to talk to Kevin. Was this the same girl he saw staring at me? Who was she? _What_ was she?

_Jacob said he didn't smell vampire. No. Actually, what he said was that he didn't smell anything at all._

She wasn't wearing sunglasses and I'd noticed that her eyes weren't red, but I didn't look long enough to catch much beyond that, and now I'd missed the opportunity to get a better look. I was suspicious but determined not to jump to any conclusions. I had spent most of my time over several years, both conscious and unconscious, living in fear, and it was hard enough trying to break the habit. I was fighting to move on. Fearful or not, there was no reason not to be cautious. I packed up my things and headed off, having decided to wheel myself to a more populated floor of the building.

I was almost at the elevators when I stopped. The strap of my backpack had gotten snagged, tangled up in the spokes of my right wheel. I may no longer qualify as clumsy, but I was still not as coordinated as I would have liked, and it made navigating in a wheelchair hazardous at best. I couldn't wait until I could be rid of this thing and be back on my feet again full-time. I corrected my snafu and looked up, ready to continue my onerous journey to the first floor. She was standing there, waiting for an elevator. A plan occurred to me then. I hurried towards her, swinging myself around just in time to avoid knocking her over. It was, however, close enough to brush up against her.

"Sorry," I said.

She did not reply but only looked at me for a second before turning to leave via the stairwell. It did not matter— by then, I'd noticed enough. I, like Jacob, took note that she did not smell. No hint of shampoo or perfume. Not even the stink of tired, unbathed college student. I didn't have a supernatural sense of smell like the vampires or the wolves, but having spent so much time around both, I did learn to pay more attention. My past had taught me several times over that being more observant could be extremely useful. Now I understood what set Jacob on edge; her lack of smell was exceedingly alarming.

I had at least managed to grab my chance to see her up close. She was about my height, with straight, auburn hair; very slight, with a sun-kissed Mediterranean skin tone that still managed to display a pallor of sorts, and her eyes were very strange. They were brown, but off somehow, as if there were another shade hiding behind it. All this aside, the most interesting feedback I received was tactile. I managed to get one piece of information that told me more than everything else combined: when I brushed against her I was able to discern that her skin was abnormally smooth and quite flawless. It was firm but yielding. The same type of flesh over granite feel that I had come to adore on Edward, on Alice, and on Esme. I had no proof of what this all meant, but suspected that somehow another supernatural creature had taken notice of me, and I needed to know why.

I had decisions to make. What would I say to Edward about this? He and I were now spending at least a little bit of time together every day, even though each minute of it was an exercise in sadomasochism. Being near him was tempting, titillating. From the way he ran his hand through his hair to the way he would reach over and tuck a wayward lock of my own behind my ear, everything he did was the most potent aphrodisiac ever. It started the second he walked in the room. No matter how fast he was walking or what he was concentrating on, he would always stop as soon as he entered the room, taking a minute to pause whatever he was thinking and doing to truly look at me, admire me. Then he would smile broadly and come to greet me. My god, if that wasn't the sexiest thing ever I didn't know what was. The next best thing was his arrogant swagger, magically managing to be mindful of most everything around him while acting completely unaware of the hopeful, lustful stares he got from at least half the women on campus.

I suddenly noticed my thoughts had drifted back over to Edward again. It was difficult to keep my thoughts focused, indeed. I backtracked to the more immediate situation, concentrating hard as I got onto the elevator and off at the lobby level.

_Should I tell him about this? Yeah, Swan, that'll go well. If experience is to be trusted, he'll immediately lose any ability to reason, go crazy with fear for me, and I'll end up struggling to come up with a sensible plan while trying to manage a crazed, pissed off vampire who'll be looking to behead anything that looks at me the wrong way. That's a great idea._

Something nagged at me about keeping it from him, nonetheless. It deserved more consideration.

I told myself I needed to face the facts: if there really was another vamp wanting to make me her bitch, I would need some help with the situation.

There was yet another angle to consider. He and I had gotten through some discussion of a few critical topics, but not all of them. I wasn't sure he yet understood the potential we had to make each other miserable if he didn't look at me as an equal partner. He already had a bad tendency to infantilize me when he suspected I might be in the slightest amount of danger, and to be honest, it made me feel, well, rather _stabby_; I was usually mad enough to want to hurt small, furry woodland creatures when he pulled that crap. I may not be a super-strong, super-everything vampire, but I wasn't a delicate little cherry blossom either, and no one likes being treated like a helpless child.

I'd made my decision; I would not tell him. I did, however, accept that I should have some amount of confirmation that there was a vampire after me, and there were only six others in the vicinity that could possibly help me. Of those six, I didn't trust Jasper, Emmett or Carlisle to be able to keep from thinking about it in Edward's presence, I and didn't trust Alice to even want to try. That left Esme and Rose. Esme would certainly stay more level-headed than Edward would, but she was even more likely to call in the cavalry and have all seven of them on a guard schedule, twenty-four hours a day, and that would defeat my purpose. There was only one option.

Rose.

_She did, apparently, bother to get me a birthday gift this year. Maybe that means she's coming around? Let's not get too hopeful. She might be my best chance anyway. Perhaps she'd check this out for me as a favor? I don't think there's anything I could offer in return, but it may be worth a try._

In the end I figured that she was really my best option. Better yet, I doubted she cared enough to think about it once I left the room, so Edward would probably not catch her thinking about whatever conversation she and I might have. For now, I had to work on the assumption that something was, for whatever reason, stalking me, and I needed to keep my butt in highly populated areas or with other vampires at all times.

_Great. Here we go again._

* * *

><p><strong>"Blood Makes Noise"<strong>

I was annoyed that I had been forced to arrive late. I had been selected to play in the pit band for the drama department's production of "Chess," and the drama queen of a lead held up rehearsal. When I finally arrived at the door of Bella's suite I was greeted by a cacophony of high-pitched giggling, silvery laughter and the indistinguishable sounds of various things being thrown about Bella's room. I heard much of the noise fade to rushed whispers, and though I knew I should knock, my curiosity quickly superseded any other intentions I had for the moment.

I already knew that Alice and Bella would be in the room, but there was a third voice I was unfamiliar with, and I had to know who it was. I tuned in to the timbre of her thoughts to figure out who she was. It wasn't an easy task to read her. She thought in a combination of pictures and in snippets of a language I couldn't quite decipher. It was English in part, but with strange phrasing and just enough unfamiliar words that there was no way I could translate it without more clues. I was interrupted by Alice's thoughts, directed specifically to me.

_You're not at all stealthy, Edward. I know you're there, so knock on the damned door already._

After one light knock the low whispers immediately quieted into total silence, save for the barely audible sounds of Alice's steps towards the door. It opened to reveal a scowling Alice.

"You're late."

"Yes, it was unavoidable. I apologize for keeping you waiting." I turned to Bella and couldn't help my smile at the sight of her. "Hello, beautiful. I hope I haven't greatly inconvenienced you."

I always had thought she was beautiful, but tonight she was exquisite. Her hair was piled into a complicated, delicately assembled mass of curls and her face just barely dusted with a hint of color. She was standing in a simple black v-necked sheath cocktail dress, but over the dress she wore an ankle length sheer black lace panel. I could see why Alice chose it for her; it managed to both beguile and slightly mask the lower back and ankle braces that Bella had to wear. Under the thin panel I could see a muted flash of red resting against her forearm, and I smiled broadly.

_Well, at least I can be happy that you wore what I laid out for you. We all know my Jasper can wear just about anything well, but I must admit only you can pull off the crisp look of Boateng like that. I'll be surprised if you end up coming back to the house tonight._ Alice winked.

I flashed an arrogant grin at her, then adjusted my tie, subtly reinforcing my rigid posture in the sharp lines of the suit I wore. Black with an aubergine overtone and a very minimal sheen, I was planning on wearing the hell out of this suit tonight. I had to admit that I was rather confident about my appearance. Rarely did I intentionally dress to impress, and I had to give it to Alice, when I put on this suit, I found that it was precisely tailored to accentuate all the things I appreciated about my vampirically-improved body parts.

Ignoring Alice now, I focused on Bella, who was smiling back at me. A low whistle came from the corner of the room. We all turned to look at the girl who was a stranger to me, and her cheeks flushed with a pale pink. I could actually make out what she thought next, since Good God Almighty, was clearly plain American English.

"Hello there." I bowed my head slightly in greeting. "I'm Edward Cullen."

"Hi." She waved. "I'm a friend of Bella's. Name's Calliope."

Bella raised an eyebrow at her friend, but I couldn't figure out why.

_She normally goes by Callie, but I'm assuming she's a little starstruck right now,_ Alice thought at me.

I returned an affirmative nod, imperceptible to the human eye.

"Bella, you never told me your man is a friggin' demigod."

Her earlier blush led me to believe that she was shy or easily embarrassed. I soon found out that could not have been a more erroneous assumption. Bella elbowed her.

Calliope rolled her eyes. "Whatever," she whispered, "it's obvious by the way you look at him that you've claimed him until the end of time. You just make sure to let me know when you get past the first stage of denial. Still, I think it's patently unfair that the two hottest guys I've seen since I turned old enough to notice have both been found to be in some way attached to you. Don't you think that's a little unjust? Like you're taking up more than your share of the universe's good will?"

I think I'm going to like this girl.

It upset me to find Bella had isolated herself from so much of the world, so it comforted me somewhat to find that she had made a close friend outside of the wolf pack, and further gladdened to find she'd befriended someone well-intentioned who seemed to genuinely care about her.

My favorable opinion only diminished slightly when it occurred to me that the second hot guy she was referring to was probably Jacob. Alice laughed, and Bella's embarrassment forced her into a rather impressive impersonation of a beet. I decided to give her some relief by distracting her friend.

"Callie, may I ask where you're from? I detect the slightest hint of an accent, but I can't seem to place it."

"Um, South Carolina." _But I'm sure I don't speak with an accent unless I intend to. What exactly could he be picking up?_

"Coastal, or the Sea Islands?" I asked.

"Yeah, Daufuskie Island."

"Ah." I nodded. "Forgive me if I'm being presumptuous then, but I assume you speak Gullah?"

She nodded. _How the hell did he ...?_

Alice returned to scowling at me. _Edward, you have no time for solving puzzles. Why the hell are you late, anyway? Bella was beginning to worry that you'd changed your mind. You can't afford to screw this up!_

My head jerked in Alice's direction. It had never occurred to me that Bella would think such a thing. I could drop the Callie issue now that I understood why I couldn't easily decipher the thoughts going through her mind.

"Edward," Alice audibly interrupted, "You're going to have to leave now if you want to drive at a speed that won't make Bella want to kill you."

"We'll be fine, Alice. Bella, love, are you ready?"

"Yeah, I'm ready." She turned to Alice and Callie. "Bye, guys!"

I heard Callie call as we walked away. "Have fun! And Bella, I better not see you back here later tonight!"

-

I stopped before the front doors of the building to help Bella get into her to persian blue wool overcoat. While standing behind her I took the opportunity to whisper into her ear. "You look absolutely stunning, love. Thank you for agreeing to come out with me tonight."

I could see the pink swell form on her cheekbone as she smiled.

"And you look ..." She swallowed, followed by a long pause. I opened my mouth to speak, but she held up her hand. "Hold on, I'm looking for the right word."

She turned to face me. "Ambrosial."

"Wow, I'm flattered. That's a new one."

"It's the only one that really fits."

She stopped in front of the car that was parked in the middle of the cul-de-sac before her when she realized that it was the car we would be taking tonight.

"I can't imagine why I thought we'd be going in a Volvo."

I grinned. "I can't imagine why, either."

I opened the sleek silver door for her, then held her arm in order to help her maneuver gently into the low seat of my new pride and joy. I appreciated the opportunity to be chivalrous. I wondered if the fact that we were on an official "date" was what made her pause to allow me to open the door for her, or if it were just that she would have a hard time getting in on her own. After I closed her door I looked at the crutches that I was left holding. I was grateful to find that Bella's new hardware upgrade was collapsible. I folded them quickly before I shoved them into the minuscule trunk of the car.

"Should I even ask what this is I'm riding in?"

"It seems you are asking, so I'll tell you that it's an Aston Martin One-77."

"At least you're consistent with your preferred makes. Any specific reasoning behind the model name?"

That she had become more knowledgeable in car terminology surprised me. Then I realized that it had likely come about since she began her foray into fast and dangerous transport, and I was no longer pleased.

"Because they consider the design oneof a kind and it had a production run of seventy-seven."

"As in ... only seventy-seven of these exist on the planet?"

"Yes."

She blinked and shook her head. I could tell she wanted to ask how much it cost, but she wouldn't dare. I certainly wasn't going to proffer the information, as then I might feel obligated to tell her how much time Esme demanded I volunteer to Habitat for Humanity to ease her guilt over my having spent so much money on a sports car.

-

After the orchestra performance it was time to take Bella to dinner. I could only assume the show itself was enjoyable. I could not personally judge the show, seeing as I spent the majority of the time staring at the various expressions of delight on Bella's face throughout.

"So where are we dining tonight, anyway?"

"A little seafood restaurant called Monterey Bay. It's not far from downtown."

I wanted to answer her questions and avoid being rude, but I also didn't want to ruin the surprise. I could tell she was going to make this a difficult task, so I drove a little faster. Eventually we were standing at the front door of the restaurant and being ushered in by the host.

"Mister Cullen, I presume?"

I tilted my head slightly.

"Wonderful, you'll be down in our wine room, right this way."

We entered a smaller, more intimate space, located downstairs from the main dining room. Do you have a preference in table, sir?"

I motioned to one of the tables next to the window, in the center of the panoramic view. I sat next to Bella instead of across from her.

"This is incredible," she said.

The view from where we were sitting was the best in the city that you could get while indoors. We had front-row seats to the most impressive vista of the city's skyline.

"Are we here close to closing or something?" She had finally noticed that the room was absolutely empty.

"No, I reserved this floor of the restaurant for us tonight. As it is, we're really only renting the space. I asked the owner to allow a sushi chef friend of his come in and prepare some items for us. As sushi is usually served to the table rather than to the individual, no one will notice that I am not ordering an entrée. No double plates for you to have to order, no pretending to eat both, no witnesses, no weirdness. Does this plan satisfy you, love?"

It took her a while to reply, and I hoped it was because she needed a minute to get over the ingenuity of my plan. I chuckled at my own little private joke.

"My, my, Mr. Cullen, you certainly know how to go to extremes." She looked around the empty room again then out at the view of Pittsburgh's three rivers. "I can't say I mind. This is gorgeous."

We talked a while about the orchestral pieces she had heard that evening. I tried to speak intelligently, considering how little I had paid attention. When I had her in a sufficiently cheery mood, laughing and smiling, I decided to bring up the one topic I had been nervously thinking about.

"Bella, are you flying home for Thanksgiving break?"

"Nah, it's only from that Wednesday to the following Sunday, and that's not really enough time to justify the travel time or the expense. I figured I would stay here and get some work done on a project I obligated myself to a few weeks ago."

"Well, Esme and I were wondering, given that you have your own space and all, if you would spend a few days with us. You get to see Turkey Day, Cullen style." I gave my most seductive wicked grin.

"Wow. Umm. Hmm. I have to admit I'm intrigued. There's something very curious about spending Thanksgiving day with a bunch of people that don't eat. What else is there to do?"

"One word: paintball."

"Oh my."

"I can guarantee you'll have fun."

"Do I get to shoot at Rose?"

"Only if you can take as much as you dish, and since I would have to kill her if she hurt you, can we settle for watching me shoot her—repeatedly?"

"Alright, I'll come."

I hoped my luck would hold out for the rest of the evening. We ordered, and once she settled into eating I fell into my usual routine of trying to figure out what was going on in that brain of hers. I must have settled into a stare, because she interrupted my gazing with an interesting question. It actually managed to startle me.

"Edward, why do you love me?"

How do I manage to adequately convey the answer to that question?

"Because you astound me. That may sound trite, but after a few centuries I guarantee you'll find that discovering anything that truly amazes you is few and far between, if not altogether nonexistent. You're interesting. Considerate. Overly magnanimous. We could be discussing the most mundane thing and out of your mouth will come the most profound thought. It never ceases to throw me off guard; it's wonderful. You're beautiful, and you're capable of such kindness, such compassion."

Her cheeks got increasingly red with each word.

"Yes, I was at first fascinated by your scent and by my inability to hear you, but I think all of that was just an inconvenient necessity of sorts."

Brows knitted together, her eyes looked up at me questioningly while she placed some ungodly combination of seaweed, tuna and eel on her tongue.

"What I mean is ... those things were needed to get my notice. You have no idea how little attention I had begun to pay to the world around me. It's hard to describe, the feeling you get when you live in this world but don't feel as if you are a part of it."

She sat up straight in her chair now, looking at her napkin. "Don't I? I've undergone some ... adaptations since you've been gone, and I mean that in the strictest sense of the biological term. I'd always felt out of place, but now I feel like I'm alien to society. I know too much, and that can't be taken back. It feels like I'm moving through life standing still, and everything else is moving around me at a hundred miles an hour. I can look at people, talk to them, interact, but no matter how much I try to get to know them, they're still strangers. I can't understand anything in the same context as they mean it, and nothing they say seems to be of any consequence to me, because they just have noidea what else goes on in this world beyond themselves."

Her expression was pained, and she turned to look at me.

"Is that anything like what you were hoping to describe?"

"Yes, I suppose that sounds about right," I said, at once both incredibly pleased by what she said and extremely saddened. "And once again you display your capability for great insight. I'm sorry that my entrance into your life has had this effect."

She shrugged.

"I suppose it's just like you said: an inconvenient necessity." She took another bite. "I had a classmate once; a Russian guy. Was in a biology class with him. I had barely ever noticed him, and we'd never said anything to each other, but one day he sat next to me, and I noticed he was looking at me. Starring, actually. It was unnerving. I tried to ignore him, and it was at least another twenty minutes before he actually said something."

I was riveted, hanging on her every word.

"He said to me 'The term for what you're feeling is "toska." I just thought you should know.' Ignoring the peculiarity of the circumstances, I asked him what it meant. He told me that there was no real equivalent in English, and it had multiple meanings in Russian. He told me that at worst, it represents a sensation of great anguish. Causeless, unresolvable. It can also mean a dark, dull ache of the soul. 'A longing with nothing to long for because the hope for whatever you're yearning for is gone.' At its most base level it fades into ennui. Listlessness. Once he finished answering my question he got up and left. Never spoke to me again after that."

She grabbed at another piece of sushi.

"Interesting, don't you think? If I had a journal I think I would title every volume with that word. I'm glad he bothered to tell me about it. I suppose I should admit to you that there's one other matter of intuition you tried to warn me about. I think I understand it better now."

"Oh?" I didn't want to know how much worse this could get. If I could get drunk I would be drowning myself in a fifth bottle of vodka by now.

"I've gained a healthier fear of change now. Change has mostly bode ill for me over the past few years, and I have a better understanding of what it feels like to live in a situation that you abhor; a condition that you believe is permanent. I know now how that can be mistaken for hell."

Slowly chewing on a piece of amaebi nigirizushi, she went back to admiring the view. Her expression was blank, and the plainness with which she spoke of hell and other unpleasantries unnerved me.

"Thanks for answering my question," she said. "I read through your journals. They were extraordinary. It's just that in everything you put down about me and about us, you never actually wrote anything regarding why you loved me. I needed to know."

"Would you mind if I asked you the same question?"

She turned to me now and put down her chopsticks. "Not at all, though I'm surprised it's not obvious."

"Nothing about you is obvious, Bella."

"If you say so … but I don't believe it. Not for a second."

"How can you say that? You know your mind is silent to me, and half the time when I guess at your body language I'm dead wrong."

"That's only because you over-think things when it comes to me; I get that now that I've read about how your mind works. You're wrong though. I'm nearly transparent. Besides, you should be able to smell half of what I'm feeling at any given point in time."

"What on earth do you mean by that?"

"Oh, come on, Edward. I have chemical responses like any other human. I know that whenever I'm around you it activates my stress response; adrenaline starts to flood my bloodstream, my heart rate increases, blood flows faster. You must be able to hear that."

Her body was inclining towards me.

"I feel like I've been drugged even if you're thirty feet away from me, so I know that the dopamine's kicking in and my pupils are dilated. Thoughts and images of you tailgate on every damned thought I have on anything throughout my whole day, so I'm surprised my brain hasn't seized from overproduction of serotonin."

Her face was only inches away from me now, and she leaned ever closer with every word she spoke.

"And if you happen to get ... too close ... for too long ... and I can't manage to calm myself down, physical reflexes occur. Muscles contract. You may not notice that part, but I'm pretty sure it's accompanied by a release of oxytocin, phenethylamine, vasopressin ... and finally, the endorphin rush. All of these biological processes are announced by scent markers. You can't possibly be unaware. It would make you the most oblivious vampire in existence."

Her eyes were fixed upon mine and she bit her lip.

"You're looking at my eyes right now, Edward. Are they dilated? Is my blood pumping faster?"

Once upon a time I regularly relished my ability to make her blush, the ease with which I could start her heart racing. This was my punishment for every one of those moments. I was frozen. I knew that the room was completely empty, having warned the owner that I wanted the waitstaff to all but disappear after dinner had been served. I was afraid that if I moved even a millimeter, I would do something I would later be ashamed of, something vulgar. Overstep an important boundary. Even worse, there was a chance I wouldn't be ashamed of whatever I ended up doing. I was far beyond the point where I could act cool and respond rationally. I felt trapped; my nearly nonexistent self-control rendered me mute, and I should not stand up even if I did have a logical reason to excuse myself from the table. There was no way out.

"Edwa—" Bella began to speak, but I rushed to place a finger over her lips. I needed a second to be _still_.

_Have mercy on me, please._

Her fingers traced lightly down the textured black silk of my tie as she closed her eyes. When they opened again, she was more relaxed, re-focused. She exhaled, and I swore to myself that if it were the last thing I did I would deliver her back to her dorm room tonight, and leave at the first opportunity. Otherwise I could not guarantee I could remain a good and respectful vampire boy. The willpower she claimed to admire so much was waning by the second.

I could not read all the emotions that flickered across her face, but what settled in the end was resignation. "So I don't believe you when you say I'm not obvious, but I'll answer your question anyway. You're gorgeous, for starters. That doesn't hurt. Beyond that, it was obvious that you were an outsider. It pulled me, perhaps because I've always felt similarly. Then there was curiosity. Then awe. All of that became heightened once the infatuation kicked in. I've always been impressed by your willpower. My sitting here breathing is a testament to that, of course."

Her face glowed, and I listened, captivated.

"The infatuation grew into respect as I got to know you; I found that you're brilliant and you know so much. I could listen forever to your stories about the things you've seen, what you've lived through. You're sarcastic and hilarious when you're not sulking over something, and your capacity for passion is positively astounding. I'd never felt anything like it until I met you. I ... wanted to reach out and grab a piece, to know how it felt to feel so strongly for something. I did do that, eventually. I learned that being so passionate about something or someone could be a double-edged sword."

I raised an eyebrow, concerned at where the conversation was headed. "So the infatuation is something different now?"

"No, it hasn't gone. It's just ... different now. I can see beyond it. It's settled a little. It's a good thing. It's the only thing that allows me to get anything done. Study, eat, sleep. You know, keep the basic functions going. If you'd only take me off the pedestal you have me on as I have removed you from yours, I think things would be a lot closer to where they need to be."

This shocked me. I did not understand what she meant, and I was trying not to be disappointed that, whatever metaphorical pedestal she had me on, I had now been demoted. She must have noticed my worried expression.

"Really, it's not a bad thing. I'm no longer under the delusion that you're a god." She smiled. "It makes it easier to be around you when I'm not always comparing myself to perfection. You, on the other hand, need to stop thinking of me as the poor helpless human that can barely stand on her own. That attitude leads to condescension, and I have no tolerance for that anymore; I've been through too much. Besides, haven't you ever heard of David and Goliath? David did alright for himself. I'm always armed with my slingshot nowadays."

I laughed. The whole conversation was strange; Bella was so rational these days.

"Alright, that's fair, but it's hard to find the proper amount of space to give when you love something so passionately, as you've mentioned. I promise to work on that."

She snorted, and somehow it was the most adorable thing to me.

"I'll believe it when I see it," she said.

We talked until the restaurant was officially closed, and the waiter had come over to remind me of this fact. I politely slipped him enough of a bribe to keep the lights on, then she and I talked through the night.

I did eventually return Bella to her room. She was high off of delightful conversation but unaffected by oxytocin and sans any sort of endorphin rush.

I was not, however, sure that I could remain so chaste for much longer.


	23. Chapter TwentyThree: The Woods

_**Reminder: a couple members of my usual team may be missing occasionally because I've hastened my posting schedule and I'd therefore like to make it clear that any screw ups are entirely my own.**_

_The team of greatness: cookEgawd, Blackjacklily, Detochkina and MunkeeRajah._

_*double muah* to KayMarieXW_

__We're getting there! 3 Acts down, two to go!

_Merry ChristmaHanuKwanzaaKa to all who celebrate. :) _

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><p><strong>The Woods. (I'm Never Quite Out Of...)<strong>

"Comon, kiddo, you've gotta keep moving if you want that brace off permanently in two weeks."

"Emmett, there are only so many times I can walk on the treadmill or around Oakland. It's boring as hell; I need a change of scenery."

"Alright, if you think you can handle it now, I'll drive you out to the Laurel Highlands trail. The varying terrain would be good for you, but I want you to bring some trekking poles for support. We can pick some up on the way."

Emmett had become completely overzealous in his oversight of my physical therapy. His interest in my recovery was neither unreasonable nor unforeseeable given that he had chosen to study Sports Medicine, but the singleminded and intense focus he decided to apply to my recuperation was about to drive me up the wall. My attitude alternated between thankful and perturbed depending on how many exercises he decided I should do on any given day. On days when he did not have the time to come supervise my movement he would call my cell phone and verify with Alice that the assignment had been completed.

I looked up at Emmett with my hardest, most impressive glare.

"Ha! Yeah, Bella, really, you scare me. Let's go."

"Where's Edward, anyway?" My only hope of getting Emmett to back off was to get Edward involved.

"Off with Alice somewhere. I told him that I own your ass for the next three hours or so, so whatever hopes you have of getting out of this ain't gonna happen, kid. Before you ask: Jasper is not going to risk pissing me off, Rose and Esme are off hunting, and Carlisle is at the lab. I'm your only option, so let's go already."

I grumbled but stood up anyway. If I had to go, I was going to be as annoying as possible in the process. I stuck out my foot so that he could help me get my massive ankle bracing boot off and replace it with my hiking boot, while I shrugged into my warmest hardshell jacket.

"Alright, Emmett, but if you cause me to re-fracture something, I'm holding you fully responsible, and you'll probably have to answer to both Edward _and _Carlisle. Allow me to state for the record that I will heartily cheer on whatever punishment they decide to dole out."

He responded by picking me up, standing onto my feet and thrusting my day hike backpack into my brace-free arm. He pointed towards my dorm room door. "You are detracting from the amount of time I've scheduled to dedicate to my World of Warcraft guild. Out you go."

An hour later we were standing at the trailhead, and I realized I had no idea where it ended.

"Are you sure this is the level of activity I'm supposed to be doing at this point?"

Emmett poked me in my "good" shoulder several times.

"Alright already!" I yelled.

I was fine for a while, but somewhere after the second mile I started to feel it in my sore, still-healing bones. Every two minutes or so Emmett would bark out a command.

"Hey, don't forget to hydrate. I wouldn't want you to shrivel up on me or anything. That _is_ what happens to humans when they don't get enough water, right?"

I took a sip from the hydration bladder of my hiking pack and followed it up with a glare.

"Aww, comon Bella, what's got you in such a bad mood today?"

"I think I'm just tired." I couldn't bring myself to say what I was thinking, which was: _I'm completely overwrought with anxiety over the invitation to stay at your house over Turkey Day break because the prospect of sleeping there, so close to Edward, will drive me absolutely insane_.

"Okay then, I tell you what. You see that little rock over there?" he asked.

As soon as I reached the fork in the trail I stopped to figure out what he was talking about. Once I spotted it, I realized that the "little" rock in question was the size of Mount Everest as far as I was concerned, it was at least two miles away, and I could tell the point he was referring to was at the top of an incline that required me to cover several switchbacks along the way.

"Yeeeeah, what about it?"

"I'll race you to it. Given the terrain, I'll bet it should take you about an hour. I'll give you a fifty-nine minute head start. The good news is that once you get to the top, you're done; I'll carry you back to the trailhead."

"You're only doing this to me because you're bored. Do I have another option?"

"Sure."

He grinned, and in that moment his face fit my mind's exact image of the devil. Perhaps it was only my momentary spike of contempt rearing it's ugly head; I would never know.

"Option two is that you could finish your walk at the Ohiopyle shelter area, which is going to be an extra two miles for you, plus the six miles to get back. Your choice."

"Fine then. If your "head start" means I get a break from your incessantly annoying cheerleading, the damned hill it is. If I end up coming down the path on a stretcher, it's on you, Em." I took another swig from my hydration bladder and carefully started up the path.

Ever since Edward had introduced me to the meadow back in Forks, I had begun a love affair of sorts with the wilderness. I liked having the opportunity to eschew human voices in exchange for the cacophony of nature. I got a thrill out of discovering rarely trod areas; I would sometimes choose these places to sit and picnic, alone. That was what I enjoyed the most: I loved the solitude I enjoyed within the forest's domain.

The northeastern deciduous forests were very different from the temperate rain forests of Washington. Here were rolling hills of soil and granite covered by a never ending array of full and thick beeches, oaks, maples and birch. This was in stark contrast to the wet moss and sticky pine needles of the tall, rangy sitka spruce and douglas firs that surrounded the meadow. Strangely, my memory distinguished the two by a sense of color and temperature. For whatever reason, the rain forests near Forks seemed extra-green to me. A wall of shades that all blended into an amorphous blob of cold, blue-green hue for miles. The colors of the Pennsylvania forests were warm instead; they were hunter, army, and olive tones, backlit by the yellow of a bright sun. When I was surrounded by the forests here, I always felt like I was right around the corner from something warm-blooded and alive. That, in fact, was exactly what I was thinking about when I noticed an abnormal loudness near me. It was the sound of twig and branch snapping, leaf and forest detritus all giving way under the weight of something very large and black, rushing towards me.

I had come across bears before; they're common in the Pennsylvania forests, but all my knowledge pertained to scaring off a still, posturing bear: act large, wave your arms, yell and make noise. I had done it before, and it had worked for me on at least three occasions, but again, that was a still bear. Black bears do not usually _want _to attack, and this was why lowly humans such as myself usually had the opportunity to back away. This one, however, gave me no warning feint; he was coming at me and coming fast. My mind raced as the adrenaline started pumping.

_Billy the big black bear is coming, and what can I do? I have my hiking pack; what kind of gear did I bring for this type of thing? I have these stupid poles, and in my pack I have bear mace. BEAR mace. Mace for bears seemed like such a great concept until now. Now it just seems really, really stupid. He's coming fast, but it's not like I have a leg I can run away from it with. I can scream for Emmett. He's at least a mile away, waiting for me to get up to the top of this hill. I wonder if he can hear me? Swan, you idiot, you won't know until you try, so just do it, damnit._

I realized a second later that he was coming for me because I was blocking his only path. On the right of me were large boulders, and ahead of me the only thing that was not covered by thick growth was the cleared trail which only curved back the way he was running from. I jerked to the side so that my bag would slide down off my shoulders and allow me access to the pocket with the mace.

_Come on, BillyBear, you don't have to hurt me. I won't mind if you run right past me, really._

The bear had apparently refused to see things my way. I dropped my backpack to the ground and planted myself into a defensive stance, my right leg front, knee bent, and my left leg thrust behind me. The mace was in the hand of my weakened left arm, and I maneuvered one of the trekking poles into my right hand. I held it with the tip facing outwards, in a tight modified saber grip. Once I counted "preparation" off of my mental checklist, I screamed bloody murder.

"Emmmmmmmmetttttttttttttttt! Helllllllllllp!"

Another second and the bear was on me. He swiped at my torso just above my left hip, and I knew that I was going to bleed like a stuck pig but had no time to think about it. He got his footing and lifted his paw again to put his muscle into another attempt, but by the time he did so, I had managed to expel a half can of mace into his eyes, and the force he used to attack me resulted in the sharp, pointed carbide tip of the pole buried deep in his abdomen. I watched the bear fall to the ground, and I stood in complete shock, refusing to believe that I had managed to do something so incredibly effective. I only had a second to appreciate my ingenuity; I had a new problem coming up on the horizon.

Emmett was running towards me, and as he came into sight, my perception of time slowed down infinitely. Over each millisecond I could see the features of his face transform as the wind blew in past me, straight into Emmett's path.

If my life were not on the line I would have taken a minute to appreciate the sight before me, because it was a thing of predatorial beauty. Swift and agile, his senses had been completely awakened by the scent of my blood. Whatever hope I had of him saving me from the now defunct bear were gone.

_The blood. Oh shit, I'm bleeding. Which blood, my blood or the bear's? What the hell does it matter? Emmett is going to _eat_ me. _

The many times I had tried to imagine Edward in the midst of hunting, I, for whatever reason, imagined wild eyes and a crazed chase. Well, I was finally getting my opportunity to see the hunt, and it was nothing at all like that. I watched him slow to a crawl. His eyes were narrowed to slits, focused. His gate had changed and had begun to prowl towards me. It was clear from the way he looked at me that I was not a person, I was not _Bella. _To him I may as well have been a wounded deer, awaiting my inevitable death. I watched his head click into place when his eyes spotted the exact location of my carotid artery. I turned to look at him head-on, as if hiding the side of my neck would help me at all. He took off at top speed.

This was nothing like when Victoria had found me. I had been waiting so long, and part of me expected it; I was ready to get it over with. Since the day of my last climb I had moved beyond that, and had become re-accustomed to the idea of living again. This time I was absolutely petrified at the prospect of death.

_I did not survive all this other crap just for Emmett to eat me. Goddamnit, Emmett, you are NOT GOING TO EAT ME. _

I dived behind the weak, still dying bear's carcass, trying to use him as a barrier between my body and Emmett's bloodlust. I yelled everything that I could think of in an attempt to snap him out of it.

"Emmett! It's Bella! I am Bella! Isabella Marie Swan, and I'm your friend, you don't want to kill me! I'm supposed to be your sister, Emmett, you don't want to do this ... Emmett, you can't eat me! YOU LIKE BEAR! Take this tasty bear instead!"

I could not bother to consider how silly I must have sounded at the time, I was too busy trying whatever I could to get through to him. He lifted the five hundred pound bear up above me and threw it out of sight. I scrambled to cover my bleeding wound and kick at the dirt, trying to push myself another few inches away from him.

"Edward will be really pissed off at you, and if he tries to kill you, you'll miss the next raid with your Warcraft guild!"

He stopped moving.

He stopped thinking of me as a living juice box only after I mentioned he'd miss a team event for a damned computer game. _You have got to be kidding me._

He blinked, shook his head and started to back away. What he said next came out in between growls and panting.

"Bella, wrap your jacket around yourself over where you're bleeding." He was doubled over.

I hadn't moved, still in shock.

"Please!" It was not a request but a plea.

I groped at my side, eventually managing to get my jacket off and tied flat around my waist like a bandage. Three minutes later I had regained most of my awareness, and after confirming with myself that I was, in fact, still alive, I noticed Emmett sitting on a nearby rock. He was despondent. His head was buried in his hands and his spine bent, crumpled over. He looked broken. I limped towards him, slow and cautious, still afraid.

"Emmett, we have to go now. I'm still bleeding, and I need to get this looked at. How do you want to handle this?"

He hesitated but spoke after several very long minutes.

"I'm okay now. I ... I can carry you back. I'll take you to Carlisle."

He did manage to carry me back to the car in a gentle cradle position. I was sure he was holding his breath because he didn't speak the entire time. The drive back somehow seemed three times as long as the trip up. I only spoke after I couldn't stand the silence anymore.

"Emmett?" He didn't reply, but I went on anyway. "I know you didn't intend to do that."

"I ... need you to know ... that I started to get a hold of myself when you said your name, not when you mentioned the game. It just ... takes a minute to get it together."

I tried to smile. "Good to know."

I had never seen such an expression of pure, unadulterated shame. I was still recovering from the psychological trauma of all that happened, but somehow I felt a swell of pity rise through it all.

"You know, you can take me to the hospital to get be fixed up if you want. You don't have to take me to Carlisle. This can be our little secret."

It wasn't until after I said that out loud that I realized I had an ulterior motive. What would happen if Edward found out? Emmett's next words made it seem as if he had succeeded where Edward failed, like he had managed to read my mind.

"You may as well see Carlisle. I wouldn't be able to keep this from Edward if I tried. I wouldn't try anyway. He deserves to know what I've done."

"What you _almost _did. You didn't actually hurt me, and I don't blame you for any of it, regardless."

There was once a time where I would have blamed myself for it, but I wasn't quite that deep in the pit of self-esteem absenteeism anymore. I understood what happened, and wouldn't blame Emmett for the flaws inherent to vampirism, but it sure as hell wasn't my fault either. In any case, I was not looking forward to more Cullen-related drama, as it always seemed to get blown much further out of proportion than was necessary.

"Are we ... absolutely certain that Edward has to know?" I asked.

Emmett only sighed. We both knew it was a stupid question. I tried my best to stay calm; my life had just been endangered by a member of Edward's family—again—and this was just the type of thing that could set him off. My heart rate jumped when it occurred to me Edward could all but say the word and, by this time tomorrow, they could all be gone.

"Bella? You okay? I'll drive faster, I'll get you to the nearest—"

"It's alright, Em, I'm not badly hurt I don't think. I just kinda freaked out there for a minute. Don't worry about it."

If only it really were something I could dismiss instead of just pretending to. I could already feel the hope in my heart diminishing, and the hole returning. Emmett and I traveled the rest of the way in silence.

**END OF ACT THREE**


	24. Chapter TwentyFour: This is Terror

_Sorry, I'm behind schedule, y'all! My holiday vacay was really busy this year, and I'm just now starting to catch up, so please don't think I'm ignoring your wonderful words & reviews. Since we have about 20 chapters to go, I figure my apologies are best stated by getting this show back on the road, so here it is. Welcome to the beginning of Act IV. _

_**Reminder: a couple members of my usual team may be missing occasionally because I've hastened my posting schedule and I'd therefore like to make it clear that any screw ups are entirely my own.**_

_The team of greatness: cookEgawd, Blackjacklily, Detochkina and MunkeeRajah._

_*double muah* to KayMarieXW_

* * *

><p><strong>That Was Terror ...<strong>

Emmett and I pulled up at the house late that afternoon. This was my first time actually seeing the place, as I had been carefully drawing boundaries and keeping my distance, but I was hoping that seeing Carlisle for this injury would prevent me from having to answer uncomfortable questions from hospital employees and keep me from having to deal with any further unwanted attention due to my apparently strange blood.

Knowing what Esme was capable of, I expected to be in awe whenever I finally got a chance to see the new Cullen abode, and I was by no means disappointed. Unfortunately, I only had about thirty seconds to take in the view before I was accosted. I had just enough time to admire the Victorian architecture and notice that the left side of the house featured a turret, a tower that extended several feet higher than any of the gables on the rest of the house. I wondered what was behind the one window found on the tower.

Distracted by a noise, I turned my head and saw that Alice and Edward were standing at the front door. Edward appeared beside me, at the passenger side door of the Jeep, before I could blink. The next thing I knew, I was being carried inside.

"Where all are you hurt?"

"Edward—"

"_Where_ are you _hurt_?"

I knew there would be no calming him so I resigned myself to answering his questions.

"The bear swiped at me; got me on the left side of my abdomen. I don't think he managed to get to anything important, 'cause it doesn't hurt that bad. I've just been bleeding a lot."

He didn't respond and I could tell it was because he didn't want to have to breathe, the air thick with the scent of my blood.

I felt nothing but air wooshing by me until I was placed on a leather bench in Carlisle's office. I heard the door slam behind me, and the lock on the door click. Carlisle slowly peeled the soiled jacket away from my middle.

"May I?" he asked.

I nodded. I heard a horrible ripping noise and yelped as I felt more flesh peel away from my oozing wound. My shirt was gone. Too bad, too, as it was my favorite hiking base layer.

"It looks like it's mostly just a flesh wound, Edward. She'll be fine, you should go."

He closed his eyes. His jaw was clamped tight and his face drawn, strained. He spoke with his eyes still shut. "How could she possibly be _fine_ with that much blood spilt?"

Carlisle closed his eyes for a moment, but continued to dress my wound. "Don't be melodramatic, Edward. You've been to medical school and you know perfectly well how a wound can look far worse than it is. I assure you, she'll be fine. Though perhaps you should stay here until you calm yourself. It may keep you from taking your anger out on Emmett."

I gasped. "He didn't do anything!"

Edward seethed. "Don't bother, Bella. Alice saw what happened. It was just too late for either of us to do anything about it, and apparently Emmett is keeping his cell phone turned off these days."

"If you saw it then you know that _he didn't do anything._" I struggled to keep my frustration in check, but there was something else I was fighting. Something hard to put a finger on.

It was fear_._

He stormed out of the room and I started to get up and run after him. Even though my hurting limbs and sore midsection would undoubtedly hinder my progress, it was Carlisle's cold, firm hand on my arm that definitively stopped me.

"That doesn't mean you're going anywhere, especially in this house. We have to get this wound cleaned and dressed, Bella. Lord, only you could manage to get into this much trouble."

"Oh this was _so_ not my fault."

I sucked in a large breath as he poured a cold liquid onto the ten by twelve area of Isabella Swan real estate. As he wiped the blood and gore away it became plain to see that there were claw marks etched across my side and stomach.

"Sure, once you don't account for that time you flirted with the grim reaper. He's apparently been chasing after you ever since."

I was pleased to find the mild humor Carlisle tried to inject into the situation actually did ease my anxiety a little. I sighed nonetheless. "You don't have to tell me, I'm the one living this installment of 'Final Destination XIV.' And hey, ease up on my psyche, will you? I'm the one still in the throws of trauma after having been attacked by both bear and vampire."

"My apologies." He finished wrapping tape around my bandages.

"Do you think this is going to scar? I honestly hope not, but if it does, you've gotta admit it looks kinda badass."

Carlisle looked at me like I had lost my mind. "I don't know yet. You haven't shown to be susceptible to keloid scaring, but you did scar from the last incident and that cut was only slightly deeper, so we'll just have to wait it out and see."

"Thanks, Carlisle. Can we go now? I think you may be needed to protect Emmett from the Wrath of Khan over there."

He inhaled deeply, trying to ascertain whether my presence would affect anyone adversely.

"I think it'll be fine. Can you get up on your own?"

"Yeah, I'm just sore and achy. I can manage."

Soon after I hobbled downstairs, I began to wish I had never left the peace of Carlisle's office. Edward was standing in a crouch, ready to spring at Emmett, but Emmett stood straight, his hands clenched but arms still at his side. We could all see his intentions plainly. He was going to take whatever pain Edward managed to dish out. Alice hung onto Edward's arm, pleading with him, begging him to calm down. She only barely succeeded.

"Edward!" Carlisle shouted. I had never heard him raise his voice before. It was terrifying. "Stand down!"

Slowly, gradually, Edward straightened.

"Thank you," Carlisle said. His calm demeanor was now back in place. "Before we start, let me remind you that first and foremost, Bella is alive and will remain so for the foreseeable future. Second, all we have at the moment is the short glimpse that Alice's visions provide, so let's get a better picture of what happened. Emmett?"

"We were hiking for her therapy session today. I was giving Bella a head start up the mountain, and she was attacked by a bear. When I heard her scream I came running, but by the time I got there there was a bleeding bear and a bleeding Bella and ... I lost it."

Everything that came out of Edward's mouth was choked, a pronounced snarl behind each word. "How could you be so reckless?"

"I'm so sorry, Edward, when I let her go I'd checked—I didn't smell anything for miles, and we were on a heavily used trail. There was no reason to suspect—I don't know where the bear came from."

Edward still fumed and Alice continued to cling desperately to his arm.

"You almost _got_ her killed and then_ you_ nearly killedher." He spat every word and by the time he was done he'd dropped back into a threatening crouch. Emmett stood his ground. He nodded.

"I came to my senses in time, but yes, I lost control around Bella. I understand why you may hate me for that, Edward. I know you wanna rip me a new one, and I deserve it. Let's have it."

Alice jumped in between them. "No!" She and Carlisle screamed simultaneously. Carlisle grabbed Edward's other arm.

The front door opened; Rosalie and Esme walked through, laughing over some joke we would never hear. The two of them froze when they walked in on our scene.

"Bella!" Esme exclaimed when she noticed me standing on the staircase. She smiled, but the smile disappeared when she saw that my jeans and most of the rest of me was covered in dirt. My top half was only covered only by a pink camouflage-pattern sports bra and the humongous tan bandage circling my entire torso. "Carlisle, what the hell is going on?"

Rosalie saw that Emmett was in the fray. "Yeah, what the—?"

Carlisle said something to them both, but it was in that ultra fast manner they had of communicating with each other that I was not privy to. To me it was similar in tone and no clearer than the "waah-wah" sound effect they used to depict adult speech in old Charlie Brown television specials. When he finished speaking, Rose and Esme looked at each other with unnerved expressions. Their eyes darted to each other, then to Edward, then to me.

"Emmett, I thought you were going to stay around Oakland or Squirrel Hill with Bella's therapy today?" Esme's question was slow and her tone deeper than I'd ever heard it.

"We were, but she complained about boredom, so I changed the plan." He continued to stare Edward in the eyes, but Edward's stance remained rigid and unchanging. Emmett, also, had not budged an inch.

Esme looked intently at Emmett. "Where were you, exactly?"

"Fuck." Rosalie's eyes went wide, and she locked her stare onto Edward.

"What?" I asked, exasperated.

Edward howled. Really, he actually _howled, _as if I hadn't witnessed enough already that day. He must have heard whatever Esme was thinking, because suddenly he turned towards the two of them and glowered.

"Edward, calm down!" Carlisle looked as worried as I felt.

"Rose and I were hunting this afternoon. At some point we came across two black bears, a mother and adolescent. I was done for the day, so Rose went for the mother, and the adolescent headed east. I'm guessing he was running from us when he ran into you, Bella."

"Edward, please!" I begged, but he ignored me and stood there, still, hands clenched into tight fists. His face was pointing up towards the ceiling now, as if he were trying to find a non-sentient spot on which to focus his hate since everyone else in the room seemed to be guilty of some misdeed that put me in danger.

"Edward ..." Carlisle began to repeat himself although I don't think anyone believed it would do any good.

"Don't tell me to calm down, damn it!" Everyone turned to stare at him. "This is _exactly _why I didn't want her around us. I didn't want her exposed to this madness! It's not Jasper, but now it's Emmett, and where Emmett fails perhaps Esme and Rosalie will prevail? Am I supposed to just wait for the inevitable?"

"Oh, this is ridiculous." I said. "I can't do this. I _cannot_ do this again." It wasn't really ridiculous, it was horrible and frightening. I'd never heard Edward speak like that before, and for me it was a harbinger of change, of another ending. I was scared and pissed off to think that these would be the last few minutes I might ever spend with Edward. I was worse than the first time around because I knew what was coming, and it terrified me.

My heart was about to break all over again, but I wasn't going to stand there and watch him again conclude that he needed to leave me for my own good. I wouldn't be able to bear it. I limped down the remaining stairs, intending to head out and get back to the safety zone of my dorm room. I had reached the bottom when I realized that I was nowhere even remotely close to home and I had no transportation. Exhaling and rubbing my forehead in disgust, I turned on my recently re-booted heel and started heading back up the stairs.

"I'm going to my room now. I'll be up there until whenever this is over and someone's ready to take me home." I looked at the impossibly steep staircase in front of me when I asked, "Is anyone willing to tell me where my room is?"

I tried to hang on to my anger long enough to hide my fear, but it was too much, and tears streamed down my face as I spoke.

"Here, dear, I'll show you." Esme walked me up to the room, opened the door, and ushered me in. "I will be back once the this is resolved."

She hurried back down to the scene of the unfolding soap opera. I exhaled and tried to rein in my panic. I laid down on the bed and sobbed until I fell asleep.

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><p><strong> ... But This Is Worse.<strong>

_It smells like flowers._

My head was ear-deep in a sack of down that smelled of hibiscus.

_My shampoo ... my pillow. _

Slowly the obvious began to dawn on me.

_I'm back in my dorm room._

Have I always slept this deeply?

It took another minute to reorient myself. I stared at the popcorn texture of my ceiling until I could get it focused. Along with my clearing vision came the memories of what had happened before I slept.

_I must be back here because they're already gone. They left me here, this time for good. This time I know it'll be permanent. I. Can't. Do. This. Again. What am I going to do? How do I end this? After all of my efforts to stay sane, to proceed with rational behavior and common sense, I'm back where I started, broken, unable to cope. How did allow myself to be in this position again?_

These torturous thoughts were followed by a side-order of physical pain. Everything hurt: my side where I had been clawed, my healing fractures, and my chest—in my chest was a deep, painful fissure where my heart should be. My mind just _knew_ there had to be a literal gaping hole somewhere in the middle of my ribcage, but I didn't feel for it because the last light of logic left in my brain told me it wouldn't be there. I was choking. I closed my eyes, hoping it would help me figure out what the problem was.

_I'm still breathing, but there isn't enough air. Why isn't there enough air?_

I couldn't seem to breathe, and I grabbed my throat with both hands, trying to figure out why I couldn't catch my breath.

"Breathe, Bella, breathe."

I heard the words, but they were disembodied; I couldn't see anyone around me.

_I can't breathe and now I'm back to hallucinating. Is this it for me? Is this how I'm finally going to go?_

"You're having a panic attack, Bella. Look at me."

I looked but I didn't see anything.

Open your eyes.

My brain finally sent out the command across synapses. A face was close to mine. A cold hand pressed against my head.

"Slow your breathing down now." Edward didn't ask, he commanded.

_He's ... here. He_ is here_. What does this mean?_

I did what I was told. My chest stopped heaving, and in that moment the pain centered there, in front of my lungs, eased. Tears rolled across my cheeks, unaccompanied by sound. He said nothing further. His face disappeared from view.

"Edward!" My neck brace had been put back on me at some point, so I couldn't turn my head to see. I sat up and turned my body as far as I could, but my bandages made it difficult. I strained to find him.

_This is it? This is my goodbye?_

"Yes." His voice was cold, his tone held no inflection. We have been here before. I felt the ache start to ease back in.

_But he is still here._

He was sitting on the floor, his back leaned against my bed, knees up and elbows propped onto his knees. His fingers were splayed, pressed tightly together in an "A" position. Once I could see him I settled back onto my sheets.

_Inhale, exhale. Then be done with it._

"If you're here to say goodbye, get it over with."

_He's still here._

"I'm not leaving you. I've told you this."

_So you're just here to be frigid and piss me off? _

"Out of curiosity, why did you bring me back here?"

"I wasn't going to leave you alone, I needed to get out of that house, and I didn't think it was a genius idea to leave you, wounded, sleeping in a house full of vampires." Edward's tone hadn't changed.

_All right, that's fair._

"Then whyare _you_ here?" I asked.

"Do you still want to die?"

I tried to wake my brain up; recall all the logical reasons I had dwelled on so may times. "No. I want to be one of you. The two concepts are not synonymous."

"You want to suffer from a bloodlust so unyielding that it would make you want to kill people you love?"

_He hasn't left me. There's still a chance. _

"No, I want to be with you, and as has been proven time and time again, changing me would be prudent if not downright necessary in order for us to be together."

"That seems to be the case, doesn't it." His voice was still flat.

_So that's why you're sitting there, so incensed._ _I have a chance._

"And the bloodlust?" he asked.

"A demon whose price I have to pay for that privilege. I'm prepared to accept that. I've been prepared for a while."

He sat for a long time.

_Don't leave me, please. Say something, anything at all. _

"Are you ready?"

"No, I don't want it to be like this. Not when you're angry and reluctant."

"You're asking too much of me. I'll never _want_ to take your life."

_You don't have a choice._

"I understand that. Call me selfish, but I'm asking anyway."

"Then tell me how I am supposed to get to the place where I can be pleased about this."

"I'd be stupid to think you could ever be pleased about it. You can, however, grow to accept it. You're not there yet, but I'm offering you time."

"And in the meanwhile?"

_He's really not going to leave me._

"I wait, and try to keep breathing."


	25. Chapter TwentyFive: Thanksgiving, Day 1

_This story is written in the first-person point of view, and sometimes switches between characters by scene or chapter. (Please do not panic; I do not repeat each scene from various points of view.) I do not label my chapters with character names, subsequently, your key is thus: Chapter titles that are short & succinct are Bella's, long witticisms are Esme's; song titles are in quotes, belonging to Edward, and Rose's are questions, finished off with an interrobang (‽)._

_**Reminder: a couple members of my usual team may be missing occasionally because I've hastened my posting schedule and I'd therefore like to make it clear that any screw ups are entirely my own.**_

_The team of greatness: cookEgawd, Blackjacklily, Detochkina and MunkeeRajah._

_*double muah* to KayMarieXW_

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><p><strong>Hey, y'all! This week I was reviewed by luvrofink (thank you!) and featured on the TwiGirlsNextDoor blog! Check it out at www dot twigirlsnextdoor dot com<strong>

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><p><strong>Thanksgiving, Day 1: Freedom.<strong>

Edward pulled into Mudge's cul-de-sac at precisely nine o'clock on Wednesday morning. The atmosphere had been slightly strained in the time we had spent together since Sunday, but his tarnished mood was nothing I didn't expect, given what had happened. I could see that he was trying his best to work through the futility of his position, and I was just satisfied that he hadn't completely bailed. I had wished only for this much, so I wouldn't dare to ask for anything more—not yet, at least.

I smiled when I saw his black C30 screech to a stop at the door. I opened the Volvo's passenger door and tossed my backpack into the backseat. Before I could maneuver myself into the car, I felt his breath against the back of my neck. He spoke low, his lips pressed to my ear.

"You're less patient now that you're nearly able-bodied again. Are you ever going to allow me to open the door for you?"

I smiled. "Sorry, it's just something I'll have to get used to. I'll work on it."

"I would appreciate that." He kissed me on my cheek. I responded with my usual moment of involuntary heavy breathing and eye fluttering. Would I always feel like I would melt when he touched me?

Once I closed the door he sped off like a bat out of hell, as usual.

"By the way, we need to stop at, like, Whole Foods or something so that I can pick up individual-sized portions of turkey day grub. We can go to the one in S'liberty."

"Actually, I think Esme may have planned for this occasion."

"Planned ... how, exactly?"

"She's been testing out her recipes since I told her you agreed to come. She gets feedback on them by pawning them off on her fellow faculty and asking for their honest opinions."

"You're kidding."

"No. I wish I was."

"Seriously? Any idea whether they actually did give her honest opinions?"

"How likely would you be to hurt a young woman's feelings if she were beautiful, earnest, and was unwittingly using her vampire wiles on you?"

"Point taken. So Esme's cooking Thanksgiving dinner for the human, and it's likely going to taste like gruel."

"Yes, and she's even recruited Jasper and Alice to help."

"This oughta be a real treat."

"I'm only hoping I won't have to spend Thursday evening taking you to the emergency room."

"I'm sure it'll be ..." I gulped. "Fine."

"So, are you excited about getting rid of your various skeletal stability accoutrements?"

"I'm trying not to get too excited. Carlisle said he wouldn't guarantee that my casts are coming off until he gets the x-rays in email. Email! I tell ya, medicine these days."

"He won't admit it, but he's really enjoying the advances in tech he gets to work with here. He doesn't normally get access to the shiny new toys when he works at small town hospitals with subsequently small town resources."

We pulled up to the house, and I remembered to wait and allow Edward to open the door for me. I normally would have been annoyed by the extra wait time, but since we were secluded onto their property, he felt comfortable moving at his normal speed. My door was open before I could blink.

"Thank you," he said.

I smiled. "No problem."

"Go on in, I'll take your bag up to your room."

I nodded and walked in. This time I had a chance to really notice the interior, and it was like something directly off the pages of Architectural Digest. Esme was a magician; she somehow made modern furnishings blend in flawlessly with the Victorian style of the home, and I had never been so impressed with her work. I was admiring a pâte-sur-pâte vase, getting lost in the painted layers of porcelain on its face. I could have spent more time picking out all of its details had it not been for the tap on my shoulder that made me jump.

"Ack!"

"Sorry, Bella."

I turned. Emmett's large, carved chest was about an inch from my face. I looked up and saw his worried and guilt-ridden face.

"Hey, Em." I smiled.

He pulled me into a huge, tight hug, and only let me go after I started to make it clear that I was unable to expand my lungs.

"Sorry ... again."

"No problem, really. Besides, that was so yesterday's news. I'm waiting to see what today will bring." I whispered as low as I could, "I'm taking bets on food poisoning."

Emmett let loose with a roaring, booming, laughing fit.

"Can I put twenty bucks on that?"

"Yeah, but I'd suggest you have Rose hold the money, in case I'm not around to make the payout."

"Makes sense."

With that, Emmett and I were back to normal. One down ...

"Oh, where's Carlisle's office?" I pointed to my various braces. "I want to know if I'm done with this crap."

He led me upstairs and knocked on the ajar door. Emmett began to head back downstairs. "Come back and see me when you're a free woman, kiddo."

"Will do, Em."

"Come in." I heard Carlisle's voice, and a repetitive, dull thumping.

I walked in to find Carlisle sitting in his desk chair, and Jasper sitting on the edge of the desk, lightly tossing a small ball against the only bare spot of wall in the room.

"Hi there—am I interrupting anything?"

"No, no, come on in," Carlisle said.

"Bella! Hey, darlin'." Jasper flashed me his signature dimpled, crooked smile. "Sorry I wasn't here to see you the other day. I had been warned that you were walking around bleeding on everything, so I thought it best to keep my distance. I'm sure you understand."

Carlisle closed his eyes and shook his head. I chuckled at hearing him call me darlin.' It was an inside joke between us that started when I found out he was originally from Texas. I asked him why he didn't have an accent, and he told me that the accents modern-day Americans typically associate with southerners didn't actually develop until after the Civil War. Then he said, "But I can call you darlin' if it feels more natural to you," and he's called me that ever since.

"I do understand. Much 'preciated," I said.

"I have good news, Bella. Come on over here, I'll show you the latest snapshots of your bones."

I walked around to Carlisle's side of the desk to take a look at the monitor. Everything looked fine to me, but then again I wasn't a medical professional. Anything that wasn't obviously, horribly wrong would probably fall under my radar.

"Does this mean I'm free and clear?"

"For the most part. I want you to be as gentle on that leg you can be for the immediate future, but yes, the cast and all the braces can come off. Once you get everything unstrapped, I'll remove the walking cast."

"Woot!"

I intended to start stripping immediately. I hobbled over to a bench on the far side of the office, and sat silently, grinning and happy, grasping at the straps of the most cumbersome item on my person.

"So, was I interrupting any particularly juicy conversation when I came in?" I asked.

Off came the neck brace.

"It was our usual monthly debate on the nature of vampire existence. I doubt you'd find any of it interesting," said Jasper.

"On the contrary ... I think the topic is extremely interesting, not the least of which because I don't think there should be much of a debate at all. I can only assume it's because the conversation is being clouded by the minutia of religious dogma, no?"

Both men looked at taken aback. Jasper stopped tossing the ball against the wall. Off came the back brace.

"What, was I so stupid four years ago that anything that comes out of my mouth now is enough of an improvement to warrant looking at me that way?"

Jasper managed to lift his bottom jaw and change his expression. Carlisle only smiled.

"No, not stupid at all, Bella. You haven't, however, been very forthcoming about any specific opinions in the past, so it's just new to us."

"Yeah, and you and Edward were usually too busy making goo-goo eyes at each other to really bother paying us much mind," Jasper said.

I had started working on the straps of the walking cast.

"Then for the record, lemme state that I had opinions then too, and I still make goo-goo eyes at Edward. So what exactly was being debated this time around?"

"Well, this time we were arguing about whether or not we're dead ... or undead," said Jasper.

"What, have you been reading too much Stoker? Why would you think yourselves dead?" I asked.

Carlisle chuckled. "Well in case you hadn't noticed, Bella, our hearts don't beat anymore. We don't need to breath. All the signs of life that we're accustomed to look for in the living are conspicuously absent in us."

"Not all. You're animate," I said.

Jasper tossed the ball again. "That's half of my argument."

"Robots are also animated," said Carlisle.

The boot was off and I exhaled in relief.

"You're animate without the need for human maintenance or intervention. You don't _look_ dead, you don't lack feeling or sensitivity ... mostly ... in the technical sense, at least. You exist. And I have a question about that heart thing, anyway."

"What would that be?" asked Carlisle.

"Your hearts obviously don't beat like a human's ... but has anyone ever, well, cut a still-animate vampire open to look inside and see what's going on? I mean, your temperature, from what I can tell, remains pretty consistent from head to toe, right?"

"Well, our bodies are usually within a few degrees of ambient room temperature, unless the temperature is extreme, and no, I doubt there are any other vampire doctors besides myself, and I haven't received any volunteers for open-heart surgery."

I pointed at Jasper and motioned towards Carlisle. "What's the hold up, tough guy?"

We both chuckled.

"No thanks, darlin'. There's no donor sticker on my driver's license, for good reason."

"Wuss." I smiled, then turned to Carlisle. "How extreme, exactly?"

"Well, we tend to stay within a range of seventy to ninety degrees fahrenheit, even if the room temp falls outside that range."

"So it's a wider parameter than normal homeostasis, but that still suggests regulation, no?"

They were both looking at me intently, presumably because they wanted to know where I was going with this. My immediate attention was on my feet; I decided that my bare, uncovered left foot felt uneven and strange next to my socked and sneakered right foot, and I had no idea where my other sneaker was, so I started untying the shoelaces of the solitary shoe.

"You gonna strip for us, Bella?" Jasper laughed.

A snort escaped me, understanding that the joke was his way of letting me know I was on the verge of making him uncomfortable. "No, sorry, I just can't get rid of these contraptions fast enough." I started unstrapping the arm brace.

"I suppose it does ..." Carlisle finally answered my last question after a bit of thought. He was completely ignoring the fact that I was flinging clothing around his office.

"So I'll just throw this out there and you think on it for a while—what if your heart _does_ beat? Every other aspect of vampire biology seems to be more efficient than its human equivalent, so what if your hearts beat so fast that you can't hear it, like watching a hummingbird hover? Or better yet, you're efficient in some other way that allows the heart to pump far more slowly? That would also explain the lower base temperature. Perhaps it pumps just enough to keep some sort of circulation throughout the body, and in that case it would be so slow that the sound is still inaudible, even to your ears. It's not entirely implausible in that it would be akin to most other lifeforms in that we can't hear our own heartbeats without assistance."

I managed to get the arm brace loosened, and it gave me a chance to catch my breath and recall what my primary point was.

"In either case I'm still talking to you, and everything that enables you to reply is self-contained within your skin, so it doesn't make sense to think of yourselves as dead, end of story—" the feeling of air against all my limbs caused me to interrupt my previous thought. "Oh, yesyesyes, I'm _free."_

Arm brace completely off now, I dropped to the plush carpet and started flapping my arms and legs, making short-range carpet version of snow angels, just because I could; I felt like I had to move somehow. Jasper started to chortle.

"Please don't think I've lost my mind," I said. "You'd want to do this too if you'd lost the use of half your limbs for three months.

Jasper was doubled over in laugher now. Carlisle, again, just shook his head.

"Don't worry, Bella, your idiosyncrasies will fit right in around here. Sometimes I swear I'm the only sane one around," Carlisle mumbled. "As for your biological theory, I have to admit that it's intriguing. I'm going to have to give it some thought. I ... look forward to continuing this discussion long-term. I'm assuming from what I've heard through the grapevine that Edward has finally begun to make some decisions, yes?"

I shrugged. "I'm not certain, but things are starting to look that way."

Jasper, finally over his bout of laughter, walked over and extended a hand to help me up off the floor. "May I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"How can you _do_ this?" He motioned around the room.

"Do ... what?"

"Be so accepting of this. Of us. You know that most of us have killed humans. Some of us have killed ... a lot. You've been endangered by us several times. I know you love Edward, but I have to say, I don't get how you can stay so level-headed about all this. You don't see us as monsters."

I had to think about that one for a moment.

"I guess it never occurred to me to think that. Maybe it's that I don't overestimate the superiority of humanity."

I allowed my mind to wander, still taking in the feeling of air against my exposed limbs.

"What?"

"Oh, sorry, lost my train of thought. I'm certain that falling in love with Edward helped, but what I mean is, well, how many billions of humans are there on the planet? How arrogant of us humans to think that somehow nature didn't plan or find a way to cull our numbers or control our population. Why is it we think that we're the only species to whom no rules apply? So I guess I never believed that we're really the top of the food chain."

I sat in a chair in front of the desk. "Do I want to get chomped on? Of course not, but you are as you were designed, and it is what it is. The instinct to eat what you were built to consume makes you no more a monster than the lion that hunts the zebra or the humans that hunt ... well, hunt damn near everything."

"But, Bella, with that view, what would you have against a human diet once you're turned?" Carlisle asked.

"Well, I'm sorry that it's not some noble cause, or a deep, profound compassion and respect for humankind." I nodded towards Carlisle. "I think that just because it's natural to you doesn't mean it shouldn't be regulated, or in this case, avoided. I don't have any desire to murder. As sentient beings you have the ability to reason, and this higher order logic allows you to opt for a different, uh, nutrient source than the obvious ... much like human vegetarianism, as you already know."

"But you're not currently a vegetarian, are you?" Jasper asked.

"Ha! No. Meat is tasty." I smiled at Jasper. "You've always had my sympathies, Jazz. We all have to draw the line somewhere, do we not? Mine is firmly between to remain below 'Human' and above 'Cow,' preferably served with a bottle of A1 sauce."

They both chuckled, and I was glad to see that my less-than-virtuous reasoning hadn't turned Carlisle against me. A question occurred to me then. "Carlisle, if you don't mind, I'm curious about something."

"Go ahead."

"What kind of responses have you received from others in the vampire community regarding your diet?"

"Honestly, the response has varied greatly. Most of the time the subject is greeted with curiosity. Occasionally I have seen some try it out; it's a novelty for them for a short while until they return to their baser instincts. For others, it is a curiosity. A few have even despised me for my preferences. The last time I visited my friends in Volterra at court, it was all of the above."

Jasper and I both began to chime in, but since I had been monopolizing the conversation, I retreated so that he could ask his question first. "At court? Like a royal court? And how could it be 'all of the above' at once?"

"Yes, life in Volterra was and is much like being a titled member of a European monarchy, except everything revolves around three monarchs rather than two. That includes all the intrigue, scheming, lavishness, and occasional treachery one might expect of such a lifestyle."

Those didn't sound like qualities I would have wanted to surround myself with. "Why did you stay so long, Carlisle?" I asked.

"First, it was the only way I could be with my own kind in of civil surroundings. At the time, I was relatively new to this life, there was much I needed to learn in order to survive in this world, and more I wanted to know about our nature. Such an environment also comes with a few immeasurable benefits. There, resources became available to me beyond what I could have imagined. They have always been great patrons of the arts, and extremely appreciative of literature. In Volterra I was able to research anything I wanted, and spend as much time absorbing myself in learning as I could imagine."

Carlisle's eyes were focused on the bookcase that lined the far side of his office.

"As far as my diet and the Volturi lifestyle go, well, like I said, there were people who responded in every way possible. The thought of it annoyed Caius. He considers drinking human blood to be an inalienable right, and to forgo it is almost an insult. Marcus seemed to be amused by it. Aro was outwardly curious, but I always suspected the idea of it scared him as well."

"You weren't proselytizing, were you? Why would he be scared by something that wouldn't affect him?" Jasper asked.

"No, I didn't go with any intentions of converting anyone, though I always hope to lead by example. Nonetheless, I think it did threaten him. You see, Aro likes to overindulge, sometimes in rather gaudy ways. There are many things that endear me to him, but let's just say his dining habits aren't one of them."

"You can't possibly stop your story on that kind of cliffhanger." I was whining, but I didn't care. I could tell Jasper and I both wanted to hear specific examples of Aro's "dining habits."

He said nothing for a long moment, and was obviously reluctant to continue. "Once he had two vampires hold a woman prostrate in mid-air. He then had a third incise her jugular so that it would drain directly into a large goblet he had custom-made for the occasion." He stared ahead of him now, expressionless. "That was one of many barbaric sights I witnessed there. So, you see, if my compassion for humankind had any chance of spreading amongst his subjects, it would make it far more difficult for him to indulge in such atrocities without being questioned or judged."

Jasper and I both looked at each other, then he stared ahead blankly, his eyebrow cocked as if he was absolving himself of past sins by the second; his expression suggested he was thinking something along the lines of, _Woah, that's far worse than anything I've ever done."_

"Is there any animosity between you and Aro now?" I asked, trying hard not to think about the crimes Jasper might have committed that made him feel good about falling short of Aro's act of draining a girl into a third century version of a pimp-cup.

"I like and respect Aro, and while I don't think there's animosity on his end, I'm not naïve. I knew his patience for me and my ways would never be infinite, and I thought it best to leave before I had overstayed my welcome. I keep my distance to keep the peace."

We heard a soft knock on the door and Edward walked in shortly thereafter. I had a strange suspicion that he would hear about this conversation eventually ... if he hadn't overheard it already.

"Excuse me ..." He paused as he stepped into the room, giving us ample time to bask in an awkward silence. "Jazz, Esme wanted me to give you a message: la mia pace, puoi venire qui e di aiutarmi con qualcosa, per favore? Also, if you're done with Bella's exam I was hoping I could steal her away. Those of us downstairs haven't gotten any attention from her yet today."

I smiled. _Keeping myself grounded would be so much easier if he weren't so damned charming_.

Jasper left the room, and I started gathering my myriad of discarded hardware. It was enough just to hear him say he wanted my attention, but to hear him speaking Italian was almost more than I could take.

Carlisle smiled at both of us. "Oh, of course. Her exam is over, and there was nothing being discussed that we can't continue later."

Edward extended his arm to me, and we proceeded down the hall hand in hand. I caught the sweet scents of vanilla and baking butter once we were halfway down the corridor.

"Is Esme ... baking?"

"Cookies. Good luck with that."

"I dunno, they smell like cookies should. This might not be so bad."

He chuckled.

"I thought we were going downstairs?"

"We are, but Esme insisted that I show you your room first. She suspects you didn't get to see much of it last weekend."

This was true; the sky was dark by the time Edward had his meltdown, and the lights were off when I entered the room, so the entire upstairs was cloaked in shadow. My eyes had been clouded with tears by the time I had gotten upstairs, and I had immediately flung myself upon the bed, so the only thing I had seen before falling asleep was the pillow I had shoved under my head. Edward opened the door and motioned to me to pass him and enter.

"Here's your proper introduction, m'lady."

He flipped the lights on, and my jaw went slack.

"I take it then that much missed your notice?"

"That's kinda like saying the Grand Canyon is a couple of boulders with some dirt thrown on top, but yeah, you could say that."

Sunday night I hadn't even realized what part of the house I was in. It excited me to find that I was in the turret. It was huge, large enough to have its own sitting room and a quaint desk area. As a student of design, it had become second nature to take note of aesthetic details in objects, and the room was a feast for my eyes. The dark walnut wood planks of the round, vaulted ceiling had been stripped down to their original finish, and each was covered in its own distinct patina.

I turned in several full revolutions to take it all in.

The room felt dark and enveloping, and it gave the impression that slumber in here would evoke the tranquility of being cradled in the womb. Every surface was covered in a rug or a billowing panel of fabric, their bold and bright colors strewn everywhere in perfect contrast to the deep tan of the walls and dark ebony furnishings, and misty clouds of sheer gauze hung from various points throughout.

In spite of the rich, dark sensation the room evoked, there was actually plenty of light due to the wide panoramic window that wrapped around half of the room's outer wall. Under the far right corner of the window, I noticed a luxurious black leather winged chaise, and I couldn't help but admire the craftsmanship in its design; the lines were alternately fluid and sharp depending on what angle you viewed it from. Looking up and out of the window, I could see outside; the view was high enough to spot the finite reach of the tree canopy, its naked winter branches pointing up into the overcast sky in all directions.

Eyes wide and arms spread out from my sides, I was lost in fascination when I stepped into the room a little further. That was when the true focal point of the room became visible. It was the bed.

_Good god, the bed._

The very bed I managed to lie on just a few days ago while missing all of this majesty around me. Cocooned into a nook, just beside the door, was a tremendously large carved ebony, four-poster bed. I gently pushed the dark red organza of the bed's canopy aside to touch the multicolored, richly patterned silk that dressed its surface and touched one of at least thirty plush pillows, each one a different color of the rainbow.

The moment I pressed my hand onto the silk, I felt Edward's hand brush against the back of my neck to pull my hair behind my ear. He whispered to me.

"Do you like it, love?"

He was touching the back of my neck and we were both standing in front of a large, inviting bed in a room that all but screamed seduction. _My _room. I was expected to sleep here while in the same vicinity as Edward. I knew that this could not end well for me.

_Oh for fuck's sake. Don't speak until you can say something intelligent. Something besides "Edward, take off your goddamned pants."_

I started reciting a tongue twister in my head to try to quell my raging hormones.

_What a to do to die today_

_At a quarter or two to two._

_A terrible difficult thing to say,_

_But a harder thing still to do..._

"Love?"

I tried to nod my head to answer him.

_The dragon will come at the beat of the drum,_

_With a rat-a-tat-tat a-tat-tat a-tat-to._

_At a quarter or two to two today,_

_At a quarter or two to two._

"Is everything okay?"

_He's not going to let me stall._

"She may have gone a bit ... overboard with the bed. For some reason many of the residents of this household seem to think it's the most important part of a room," he said. His breath was a cool caress against my neck.

"Be right back, need a human minute."

I raced out of the room, hurrying to splash my face with cold water. I soon found that I couldn't possibly get it icy enough. Two minutes later I managed to collect myself, so I made my way back down the hall to my room, where Edward was now lounging on my new chaise. Suddenly I felt downright lightheaded, perhaps even a little loopy.

_Holy hell, this is mine, mine, mine, mine, mine ... including what's sprawled across that leather. _

"Sweet spreadable christ on a cracker." I wasn't sure how that managed to escape my lips.

"What was that, love?"

_Bastard. _He knew perfectly well just what he was doing to me. I never should have given him that primer on biological reactions to sexual stimuli.

"Nevermind."

He stood up. "So you still haven't told me what you think of the room."

"It's absolutely unbelievable." _It's also an aphrodisiac, apparently._

It all reminded me of something; a distinct sense of comfort and familiarity pinged the back of my brain, wanting to be clicked into place.

"The space ... feels like it ties into something somehow. I can't quite place it."

Edward tried to repress a sheepish grin but failed.

"What?"

"Well, Esme did have you as her inspiration."

"Could you be more vague, sweetie?" I spoke with as much sarcasm as I could manage.

"You may not want to try me, schnookums." He laughed. "You know I'd win that game."

"True, so just tell me already."

"Promise you won't get mad?"

"No, I'm not promising anything. What are you not telling me?"

"Alice has been around you a lot lately, as you know—"

"Annnd?_"_

"You don't sleep very soundly. You know this. She, at some point, noted that the time you're most restful in your sleep is when you're talking about the desert. She said you kept saying words like 'sand,' 'Gobi,' 'Sahara,' 'sandstorm' and the like, so Esme figured she would design your room around a Moroccan theme, hoping it would feel, well, oasis-like."

I flushed with color.

_Well, that certainly explains it. _

So now I had my desert oasis. I wouldn't dare hope that it could make the nightmares I might have within it any more tolerable.


	26. Chapter TwentySix: Armistice

__Sorry guys, been way under the weather lately. 2012 has come in really kicking my a$$, but I'm trying to get back on schedule here. (Don't ask me what schedule; just go with the flow, k?)

**NEWS OF AWESOMENESS: The Walls of Dreaming has been nominated for Best Bella in The Sunflower Awards! Voting starts on the 1/29, and can be done here at thesunflowerawards (dot) blogspot (dot) com. Thanks everyone for your amazing support!**

_This story is written in the first-person point of view, and sometimes switches between characters by scene or chapter. (Please do not panic; I do not repeat each scene from various points of view.) I do not label my chapters with character names, subsequently, your key is thus: Chapter titles that are short & succinct are Bella's, long witticisms are Esme's; song titles are in quotes, belonging to Edward, and Rose's are questions, finished off with an interrobang (‽)._

_**Reminder: a couple members of my usual team may be missing occasionally because I've hastened my posting "schedule" and I'd therefore like to make it clear that any screw ups are entirely my own.**_

_The team of greatness: cookEgawd, Blackjacklily, Detochkina and MunkeeRajah._

_*double muah* to KayMarieXW_

* * *

><p><strong>"Armistice"<strong>

I was staring out the window into the darkness of a late November night when I heard a clear, concise thought pierce my concentration.

_I'm proud of you, Edward. _It was Esme. She entered the room after I turned to look toward the direction of the thought.

"Why is that?" I scribbled a few more notes down for the inhumanly complex étude I was composing for myself, having been desperately in need of an adequate practice piece.

_You're doing well at giving her the space she needs_._ I know it's difficult for you._

"Excruciating." I slid over, giving her room to sit next to me on the piano bench.

_I suspect it's even harder with her being here, under the same roof. _

"Several magnitudes worse than excruciating." I smiled.

"I thought I'd take a minute to cheer you on, remind you to be patient."

"I haven't forgotten. I understand that it's important to you that she feels she has a safe space here, and I'm not going to enter her room unless explicitly invited. It's strange how things can end up. At one point I watched her fall asleep in my arms nearly every night and was beside her when she woke up every morning. After a while I started to take it for granted. Now I'm lucky if she sits next to me."

I absentmindedly began to play the lullaby I wrote for her so long ago.

"I am patient because I have no choice," I said.

"You're the only thing standing in your way, Edward."

"Oh?"

"I think she's been waiting for two things. You've accomplished one, you've only to manage the other."

I continued to play but looked at her out of the corner of my eye.

"I'm not intentionally being cryptic, Agapatos. Some day you'll have to thank Emmett and Rose for their transgressions. They solved your first problem for you."

Still playing, I lost my pacing when she said this, and had to start again.

"By nearly draining her? Really, Esme, what are you hedging at here?"

I'm just waiting for you to catch up, dear. "She needed proof that you would stay. In order for her to get that proof, something needed to happen to activate your base instincts—something that would scare the hell out of you, which it did. Our word could only get us so far with her; she needed to see it."

I managed to remain stoic, but I was seething inside. I knew Esme was right: Bella's life had to be placed in danger in order for her to believe me. Fresh guilt flooded me.

"And the second obstacle?"

"You have to accept the inevitable. She also doesn't truly believe you're going to change her, and until she does, she knows that being with us is ... not likely to end well. Something, somewhere, will happen eventually, and Alice won't see it in time. You won't be able to hear what's coming. Jasper won't be able to manipulate it. Whatever it might be, it's unavoidable and we all know it."

I grit my teeth and hit several keys with entirely too much pressure.

"Consider this your form of noblesse oblige. Your privilege assigns you responsibilities you don't want to accept, but the duty falls upon you whether you want it or not."

"I'm working on that."

"If you can only do it begrudgingly, she'll never agree. Nor would I, if I were in her position. I would always fear that you might resent me for it."

_"I'm working on it."_ I was losing my patience.

We both turned at the sound of a blood-curdling scream.

Esme managed to beat me out of the room as we both raced up to Bella's door. As I arrived, I heard Bella cry out again, but just as I was about to rip the door off its hinges, Alice opened the door and jumped in front of me, her arms straight out in front of her and fingers splayed, intending to hold me back.

"Alice, if you don't move out of my way—"

"Stop, Agapatos—she's trying to tell you something." Esme's tone was one of caution, but I was not in the mood to listen.

Alice stood her ground. "Decompress, Edward. She does this every night. I've got this."

"What‽ What do you mea—"

Bella screamed again and bolted upright. There was movement from every direction as the rest of the house converged in the space behind me. Esme waved them away, and I kept my sights intent on Alice, who had left me to go tend to Bella. Esme's arm was across my chest, barring me from entering the room. My jaw clenched and every muscle of my body tensed in apprehension as I stood there, forced to do nothing. Alice sat beside Bella, rubbing her back and talking to her. Alice eased her down. Soon after, Bella closed her eyes again and returned soundlessly to sleep.

Alice stood up, walked towards me, nudged me out of the doorway, then closed the door behind her. Esme finally released me.

"Every night?" I remained distraught.

"Why are you surprised? You were at the hospital when she—"

"I thought her reaction was specific to the circumstances of that night. I knew it happened occasionally but ... it's like this? Every night?" I asked despite not really wanting to hear the answer.

Alice sighed. "It's not always exactly like this. Sometimes they're night terrors, sometimes only a nightmare. Often both happen in the same night. The terrors are worse because of the screaming and because it looks like she wakes up in the middle of it, but she's not actually awake. The nightmares come afterwards; it's a different phase of the human sleep cycle. Most of the time she'll remember a nightmare when she wakes up, but she never remembers the screaming. She only knows she does it because others have told her."

I started to open the door again, compelled stay with her, to try to comfort her. Esme's arm shot out in front of me again.

"Why is this happening to her?" It was a rhetorical question; I didn't expect anyone to be able to answer it.

Esme, still restraining me, had nothing but sympathy in her eyes. "Carlisle's guess is that perhaps it's a human side effect of the attempt to sever your mate bond."

What was it Esme said to me before this began? "She's chosen not to let you go, whether it was a conscious decision or not."

"Then let me go to her!" I fought myself not to yell, not wanting to wake Bella.

"Edward, let me handle it. The last thing you want is for her to wake up with you lying next to her in the space that is supposed to be a no-pressure zone," Alice said.

Esme agreed. "She's not ready for you yet. Let it go for now."

"Alice, you'll stay with her?" I looked at her.

"I've been there almost every night, Edward. I told you, I've got it. I'll be here for her until you can be; I promise."

There I stood, mute and helpless, in front of the closed door of Bella's room. That same moment of hopelessness, however dark, was when everything began to fall into place.

* * *

><p><strong>Thanksgiving, Part 2: Comfort.<strong>

_I'm far too comfortable._

I poked the mattress underneath me.

Plush.

I rolled around a little and only sank further into the thick, fluffy, pillowtop mattress.

_I'm being set up here. What else could they do to make me not want to go back to my dorm? Wait, God, please forget I asked that, okay?_

I yawned and climbed over the half-acre of silk that covered the enormous bed, hoping that at some point I would reach the edge of the mattress. It wasn't until I stood up that I remembered I was wearing abnormally feminine sleepwear for my usual tastes, and the realization came only because I nearly tripped over the hem of the garment several times before I found my footing.

Last night I was informed, just before bedtime, that Alice had taken it upon herself to stock the wardrobe of my new bedroom with a large number of satiny, lacy and skimpy things. I normally would have ignored them, but the sweatpants and t-shirt I'd managed to cram into my backpack somehow seemed out of place in the opulence of my new bed, so I decided to give a lavender peignoir that I found in the back of the closet a try. A long, ankle-length chemise gown, I settled on it because I noticed a matching robe hanging behind it. I headed into the attached bath.

_My room here has its own bathroom for cryin' out loud. This room is making my dorm look more like a hovel by the minute. _

I took a minute to admire myself in the mirror. The long gown may have nearly broken my neck from tripping over its length, but I had to admit I felt kinda _pretty_ in it. I thought that maybe the sexy sleepwear attempt wasn't a lost cause after all; I made a mental note to see if there was anything of shorter length in the drawer when it was time to go to bed for the night.

After a hot shower I slipped into a pair of jeans and my favorite sweatshirt, then headed downstairs. When I arrived at the bottom of the stairs I heard a continuous clamor of cracking and banging noises. Alice tossed me a banana as I walked towards her and Esme in the kitchen.

"Morning, Bella!"

"What is all that racket?"

"The boys are out back, playing football."

"Liars, every one of them. They told me they would play _touch _football. They're risking annoying the neighbors," Esme said.

"At least it's Thanksgiving. Half the neighborhood is probably doing the same thing," I said. "Though I admit they're probably not making half the amount of—"

There was a tremendously loud cracking sound.

"—Noise," I uttered.

I looked out the window and saw Edward standing in the backyard, staring at me. I smiled and waved. He was in the act of blowing me a kiss when Emmett began his stealthy tackle attempt. Still looking at me, Edward propelled his left arm away from him like a hydraulic piston, making full force contact with Emmett's chest, knocking him several yards away. Edward had never even turned his head to look at Emmett. I shook my head in amusement.

"Pay attention," I mouthed. "Play your game."

He blew me another kiss and went back to the scrimmage line.

"Yeah, that's touch football, alright. I see plenty of touching." I laughed.

"You may as well give up, Esme," Alice said. "They'll just look for another excuse to ram into each other."

"Bella, I stocked the fridge with a few extra basics for you. If you're interested in milk or orange juice, there should be some in there." Esme motioned to the refrigerator behind her.

"Great, thanks." A glass instantly appeared in front of me; I barely saw the movement that accompanied it. "Wow, this must be what it's like to have a replicator, like in Star Trek."

They both laughed. I walked over to retrieve the orange juice. "Where's Rose?"

Alice pointed outside and just as I turned my head to find the source of her interest, Rosalie tackled Jasper just as he was catching a throw from Edward.

"Wow."

"Yeah, she's usually one of the boys when the context is sports. I'm sure Jasper will get her back when we head out for paintball later today." Alice didn't bother to hide a prideful smirk as she said this.

"When is that happening, anyway?" I asked. I grabbed the weather section of the newspaper that lay on the countertop in front of me.

"Later this evening, probably. The chase is more fun in the dark. You can either hang out with me or run around the woods with Edward if you opt for a piggyback trip. I tend to hang out at a high point where we can see everything and make sure no one does anything out-of-bounds. I referee ... as usual," Esme said.

"Considering it's going to be around thirty degrees tonight, the idea of running around outside at sixty or seventy miles an hour doesn't sound very healthy. I'll probably stick with you."

"Wonderful. We'll get you a long range sniper gun, and we'll see if you can pick anyone off on your own."

"Yes!" I accompanied my emphatic agreement with an enthusiastic fist pump.

Alice grabbed the advertisement section of the paper and opened it to see the Black Friday features. "Let's see where the good deals are tomorrow ..."

"You're a bargain shopper?" I asked.

"Sometimes it's all about the thrill of the sale. You're coming, right? We're planning on leaving at four in the morning, so you'll have to make sure you get enough sleep."

I snorted. "Yeah, uh, thanks but no thanks."

Alice started to object, but Esme shushed her. "You have all day to work on her; take it slowly, Mellita."

Esme grabbed the front page of the paper and skimmed the text. She slid the paper over to Alice shortly thereafter. "What do you think of this?"

Soon after, Alice looked up at Esme, brows knitted and lips in a pout. "Yeah, there's definitely something up."

I looked back and forth between them both. "What is it?"

Esme sighed. "Well, when someone finds a body in an urban area that has been burned beyond recognition or destroyed to the point where dental records are required for identification, it's often a vampire covering up the exsanguination."

"A body that's been drained of blood, right?"

"Yes. It happens occasionally, as nomads pass through the northern states relatively often, but recently there have been more than normal, and they all follow a pattern. Looks like someone is taking up residence nearby, and we can't have that." She looked at Alice. "The next few days are supposed to be a stress-free break. We'll bring this to everyone else later."

Alice nodded. The conversation reminded me that I needed to talk to Rose about my potential stalker problem. A mild sensation of dread fell over me and I was busy stewing in it when the rest of the group piled into the kitchen after finishing their football match.

"Who won?" Alice asked.

"We did." Edward and Rose spoke simultaneously and high fived each other.

"So it was three against two?" My head turned towards the door.

Carlisle, Jasper and Emmett all walked in, faces long with disappointment. Edward made his way over to me, wrapped his arms around me, and kissed me on the cheek.

I looked at him. "Don't you think that's a tad unfair?"

He laughed softly and squeezed me. The gesture was careless. Easy.

I was still adjusting to Edward's casual touches and displays of affection. The battle between my heart's craving to reclaim him and my mind's hesitation was still there, but it was slowly fading, an alarm that had been muted to a subtle tone. Still, it was disquieting how quickly I'd begun to feel at ease once I decided to allow myself the option of letting my guard down.

Rosalie looked over at us, expressionless. I much preferred a blank face to the perma-scowl I had become accustomed to the last time I was around regularly.

"Hey," Rosalie asked, "is this the first time we've all been in the same room together since the Paper Cut of Doom?"

I sprayed orange juice onto the kitchen island, my chest heaving slightly from the effort to restrict my laughter. The rest of the room had gone rigid; no one came anywhere close to finding it funny besides myself. I reached over the counter and grabbed a paper towel to clean up my mess. I was taken off guard by her flippant reference, but I appreciated the attempt at levity. At _normalcy_. I'd spent years trying to truly put it behind me, and this was the first indication I'd received that any of the Cullens were trying to do the same.

"I was just curious," Rose said. She sauntered out of the room immediately after. I wiggled out of Edward's arms and jogged into the parlor after Rose.

"Hey, Rose?"

"Yes?" The response was deadpan and she neglected to look in my direction.

"Um, I was wondering if I could talk to you about something?"

She raised an eyebrow. "Hmm. This should be interesting. Yeah, spill."

"Well, not _now_, actually. I was hoping to find a time when not everyone would be, uh ..." I pointed over my shoulder towards the kitchen.

"Yeah, alright, whatever. I'll let you know when."

"Okay, thanks."

"Don't thank me yet."

She made no attempt to segue into a conversation, nor did she stick around to give me the opportunity to do so. Having never turned around, she lifted her heel and walked off.

Jasper and Emmett rushed into the room as she disappeared around a corner.

_Well that was a pleasant conversation. Great omen. Yep. You still have time to rethink this plan you have, Swan._

"Hey, Bella, come on in here, we're about to start," Jasper said.

Emmett grinned. "Yeah, kiddo, I'm saving you a place on vocals."

"You what?"

"Rock Band, kid, or have you not seen an Xbox before?"

"I know good and well what gaming consoles are, thank you very much. I just don't know why you put my name and the word 'vocals' in the same sentence."

Jasper began pushing me towards the living room. "Because you have to play, Bella, and mic is the only spot left. Rose's got guitar, Em's on bass, I'm on drums, and the snob over there—" He pointed to Edward. "—is on keys."

I felt the pressure of a kiss on my forehead as someone moved past me at a speed I could not track.

"You've gotta be kidding me." The thought of being on display in any way made me start looking for modes of escape.

The only response I got was Emmett pushing the microphone stand up to me. "House rule is that vocalist has veto power on song choice."

"Uh, yeah, alright. You guys know I can't sing, right? At all. Seriously."

"Yeah, yeah, just make sure you select 'easy' for the difficulty."

"There's no way I'm singing by myself."

Alice walked into the room from the kitchen. "Alright, Bella, I'll help you get the first song out of the way, but after that you've gotta buck up and sing on your own."

The first few notes to REM's "It's The End of the World As We Know It" blared out of the stereo system, and to a certain extent, I was relieved. The song was mostly spoken, almost like a rap. It didn't require actual vocal ability, though it did require me to keep up with the lyrics, already flying across the television screen. Alice and I both struggled to keep up, and we both failed miserably. Somewhere in the middle of the song we just stopped trying and laughed our way through the remaining verses. Since there was no keyboard part in the song, Edward just sat back, snickering at us the entire time. I grabbed the hem of Alice's shirt when she tried to escape back into the kitchen. She gave rolled her eyes and gave me a smirk of reluctant submission. I managed to convince her to stick around for a few more songs, and let her leave only after she demanded that I let her check on the casserole she was helping Esme with.

Somewhere along the line, I'd forgotten about my lack of ability and began to let go a little. By the end I realized I'd bawled out nearly every song they chose, completely off key, for nearly two hours straight. Somewhere after the fifteenth track I found myself swinging my hips to the beat in a variety of ways, almost assuredly amusing the other occupants of the room. To their credit, no one made fun of me, which made sense since I wasn't at all out of place. Emmett was in full rock-star emulation mode, complete with sunglasses, excessive guitar posturing, and Gene Simmons inspired protruding tongue. After a while, Rose switched in and took over on vocals. To my delight, I found that she wasn't much better, in spite of her chiming, vampirically-enhanced voice and the seduction-coated hip swagger that accompanied her singing. Over the rest of the afternoon, everyone in the house played on one instrument or another for some period of time, and somewhere within the fourth hour I realized I was having a blast. In retrospect, the best part of the day had to be when Esme took a break from cooking in order to step in on drums.

I turned around from looking at the television screen after we had finished playing some song from a band called "Queens of the Stone Age," just to check and make sure it was really her on the drums.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"Nothing's wrong. You just ... completely rocked that." I was in awe.

Emmett guffawed. "Yeah, Esme is pretty kick-ass on drums."

Esme only shrugged as she stood up from the drum throne that sat across from the MIDI full-sized electronic drum kit. "I don't see why you're so surprised that I'm a Drumming Goddess. I've gotta go check on my hens. You don't mind having hens in lieu of a turkey, do you, Bella? I figured I would slowly work my way up to turkey, since it's been so long. I didn't want to screw it up and have you chewing on something the texture of wood or anything ..."

"That'll be perfect, Esme." I smiled. "Really, I'm actually fine with whatever you put on the table."

There was a collective snicker from Edward, Emmett and Rose. Jasper reached over and playfully hit Emmett on the back of the head. Carlisle pushed Edward, and he would have fallen off the couch if his mind reading ability hadn't warned him it was coming.

Esme only smiled. It was a warning smile, and everyone picked up on it. The chuckling stopped so suddenly it was like a switch had been flipped. Wanting to disassociate myself with the hecklers, I followed Esme into the kitchen, where Alice was pulling a casserole dish out of the oven.

"You're just in time, Bella, I think we're all done!"

I looked at the kitchen island and countertops. There was literally enough food to feed thirty people.

"Holy ... you guys know I'm only one person, right?"

"It's harder to cook for one. You can freeze the leftovers or we can donate them. In either case, stop complaining and dig in!"

It was a lot of pressure. I wasn't as afraid as I might otherwise have been because the Esme's peanut butter cookies from yesterday weren't bad by any measure. A cookie and an entire Thanksgiving dinner, however, were two very different things.

Once faced with the task of eating dinner, it occurred to me that I wasn't sure where I was expected to eat. I'd considered filling a plate and finding a spot in the living room where I could eat and catch more of the Rock Band action, but I didn't want to annoy anyone with the smell of human food. I'd decided it was best to stay in the kitchen and eat alone. This wouldn't have bothered me; I was accustomed to it and eating in solitude had become a comfort to me. Nothing to distract me, no errant thoughts of painful memories, no room to obsess over unsolved homework dilemmas.

None of my hosts, however, were aware of my eating preferences, so when Alice and Esme sat down at the table with me and struck up a conversation, I knew it was their attempt to make me comfortable. I smiled in appreciation, then turned my attention back to the food. My strategy was to take no more than a spoonful of anything, and space the food on my plate in a way that suggested I had more food than I really did. My backup strategy would be to skip chewing and swallow very quickly if it sucked. I realized it wasn't much of a plan since it still required consuming potential nastiness.

I took a bite of the sweet potato casserole. It wasn't bad. I looked up from my plate and noticed three vampires staring down at me intently. Esme and Alice flashed to other parts of the kitchen as soon as I looked up. Edward sat beside me, a huge grin lighting up his face.

"Sorry, I'll try to make them go away and leave you in peace—"

"Yeah, right, like they'll listen to you. Besides, it's actually really good." I shoved a forkful of stuffing into my mouth when I noticed something round and bubbling. "Is that an apple pie?"

"Yeah, Jazz made it." Alice disappeared again after chiming in.

Edward whispered to me. "I still wouldn't overload yet. Let's make sure it doesn't rebel in your digestive system first. You never know ..."

I pushed him away. "I'll be fine."

He laughed and the four of us talked while I ate, all the while a broad smile affixed onto his face. Seeing Edward this carefree and happy for this long a time period was abnormal. It was starting to freak me out.

"You've been in a really good mood today. Any particular reason?"

"You're here. Do I need more of a reason than that?"

I smiled. "I suppose I can live with that."

A few minutes later I heard Rose yell from the living room. "Time to head out for paintball! Jazz, your butt is mine!"

Esme looked in my direction. "Bella, you need any more time, or are you ready to head out?"

"I'm ready. I need time to make room for the pie anyway."

Rose entered the kitchen. "Hey, if you don't mind, Bella and I are going to follow in my car. We'll only be a minute behind you."

I could see Edward begin to protest, but Rosalie glanced at him and a look of understanding dawned across his face. I saw that he was still hesitant to leave my side, and he lingered in the kitchen for another minute before he gave up and stood. I was certain they were having a mental conversation to which I was not privy.

"Love? I'll see you soon, yes?"

"Yes, I'll be fine, Edward. I promise I'll do nothing to draw blood."

He kissed me full on the lips, and it was quite a bit more ... involved than I'd expected, especially in front of the family. "Please don't make promises you can't keep."

Rose smirked. "Yeah, Bella, shut up. I'll be the only one here, and I really don't need you jinxing us." Just before he walked out of the room she added, "Hey, Edward! Make sure you bring the neon green balls. I wanna make sure that when I finally figure out how to ambush you, no one within twenty miles will miss it."


	27. Chapter TwentySeven: What Now‽

_This story is written in the first-person point of view, and sometimes switches between characters by scene or chapter. (Please do not panic; I do not repeat each scene from various points of view.) I do not label my chapters with character names, subsequently, your key is thus: Chapter titles that are short & succinct are Bella's, long witticisms are Esme's; song titles are in quotes, belonging to Edward, and Rose's are questions, finished off with an interrobang (‽)._

_**Reminder: a couple members of my usual team may be missing occasionally because I've hastened my posting schedule and I'd therefore like to make it clear that any screw ups are entirely my own.**_

_The team of greatness: cookEgawd, Blackjacklily, Detochkina and MunkeeRajah._

_*double muah* to KayMarieXW_

* * *

><p><strong>What Now‽<strong>

I waited until I heard Emmett's Jeep and Esme's Rover peel out of the driveway, then turned to look at Bella. The girl was holding me up from our annual paintball game, and while I would normally be annoyed by her timing, I was mostly curious about what she could possibly want to talk to me about. Better yet, how juicy must it be if she wanted to talk to me _alone_? Whatever it was, if she was willing to deal with me over it, she must be absolutely desperate. As much as I was dying to know the details, if it would make me miss my chance to nail Jasper after the tackle he gave me this morning, I would go from annoyed to pissed in a fraction of a second; we needed to get on the road. I motioned for her to follow me.

"It's an hour's drive out to where we usually play. I assume that's enough time for you to get whatever this is off your chest?"

She nodded, so we left in my car.

I tried to inject an air of annoyance into my tone to hide how excitable my curiosity made me. "Alright, what do you want with me?"

"I need your ... expertise. I also need for you to be able to keep this quiet from everyone else."

_She's lost her mind. Is she forgetting what her own mate is capable of?_

My curiosity quickly turned to consternation. "Let me remind you that I live with Edward and Alice. There are no guarantees of confidence if that's who you're trying to hide this conversation from."

"Yes; No guarantees. I realize that. I'm only asking you to not deliberately tell them. I'm also counting on the fact that you probably won't dwell on this conversation too much after I step out of this car."

_This just might be interesting after all._ Still, given how testy Edward could get over her, I wasn't risking my head over it. "That depends on how likely I am to suffer eventual consequences."

She looked exasperated. "You're not making this easy, Rosalie."

"Hey, you can tell me or not. Your choice."

She took some time to reconsider. I was under no obligation to make anything painless for her. The way I saw it, the benefits of this existence could be plentiful or paltry depending on what you wanted out of life. I never desired a limitless lifespan and I didn't live long enough to gain the things I craved during my time as a mortal, so to say I lacked appreciation for the intricacies of vampire life was a massive understatement. One of the things I did enjoy about this life was the company of my family and the ease with which we got along—most of the time. When Bella came along, she upset the delicate balance that was my life, and though I no longer resented her for it, I hadn't exactly let it go, either.

She still hadn't said anything, so I started humming the "Jeopardy" theme song.

"All right, all right."

Minutes passed. "Your whole life is passing you by and I'm _still_ waiting."

"I need to know if there's a way to definitively determine whether there's a vampire stalking me, and I don't really want Edward or anyone else to know about it." Her words came out hurriedly, as if she had given herself the option of saying them quickly or not at all.

"We killed Victoria, so who else would be after you, Bella? I know you're Little Miss Sweetblood and all to Eddy, but it's not like the rest of the vampire world revolves around you."

_Though I did have to admit she did smell tasty. Sweet, like the vampire equivalent of a—_

"Eddy?" She looked at me with a sour expression as if I'd said something offensive.

"Answer the question."

Her left hand rested on the car's center console, and when she spoke I noticed her grip tighten and her knuckles go white. "I never said I was the center of anyone's world, and it's not like I want to be stalked."

Agitation had seeped into her tone, and I tried hard not to expose my amusement. I took note that perhaps Bella had managed to grow a pair since the last time I knew her.

"Jake noticed some girl staring at me a few months ago. Since then, I've seen her just about everywhere, and as much as I don't know about her, I _do_ get the feeling that she's ... not human. Even better, Alice and Esme read a disturbing thing in the paper this morning; they think there's a nomad spending a little too much time around here and feeding a bit too often. With my luck, the two might just be related."

I tried not to visibly react to this news. It was likely that neither Esme nor Alice thought it was a critical enough issue to have discussed it in detail in front of the girl, but I was not happy to find out there might be another potential problem stirring. I tried to let it go and motioned for Bella to go on with her story. She told me everything else that she remembered about her encounters with this mystery girl, but none of it convinced me that the most likely scenario was yet another vampire after Bella Swan. After all, what were the odds, given that she had already met a quarter of the vampires north of the forty-fifth parallel?

"I still don't know why you're asking me. You know all the signs already. What color were the eyes?"

"Brown, but they were weird. 'Coulda been contacts."

"Pale?"

"Mostly."

"You said you brushed up against her—"

"Skin felt just like yours, but she doesn't have a smell. Like, no smell at all. Even Jacob noticed it. It's off-putting. Freaky. She may not be a vamp, but she's _something_, and I need to figure out what and why she might be interested in me."

"Why don't you want to go to Eddy with this, anyway?"

"Do you really call him Eddy? Really?"

"Answer the—"

"Yeah, yeah. Because you know how he'll react. He'll go apeshit, and you and everyone else in this house will be put on twenty-four hour guard duty until he's convinced the threat has been eradicated."

Bella spaced out for a spell, her gaze unfocused and looking off into the distance.

_You're pensive. What are you hiding, my troublesome human friend?_

"You're leaving something out. What else is it about talking to Edd—my brother—that bothers you?"

She sighed, and in that moment she looked like she held the weight of the world on her shoulders.

"If I am in trouble—if it actually is something supernatural that, once again, wants to kill me, I have to find my own way out. If I don't, I'll feel ... helpless ... again. I'm not going to let that happen. And Edward—" She inhaled deeply. "—Edward will never stop treating me as if I can't take five steps without falling into a chasm. I need to figure this out without his help, and I need to be able to handle it without him or anyone else that would try to take full responsibility for my safety."

As much as I didn't want to relate to her, I did have to admit I understood where she was coming from. I knew the feeling of being powerless and weak, unable to defend yourself. The inability to protect myself was part of what got me killed, and the anguish of that utter helplessness lingered long into my next life.

The more I thought about what Bella said, the more I felt pity for her. Unlike her, I had Emmett to help me heal. Part of the reason that he and I worked so well was because he always made it so easy for me to be vulnerable around him. My limitless need for comfort fed into his natural instinct to protect, but he also knew not to treat me like a child and he recognized my strength. He respected my ability to stand on my own. An added bonus was that he knew how to keep his mouth shut and just listen when I just needed to yell, rant, and scream. Edward, on the other hand, hadn't learned any of that. He was a horrible listener when the least bit upset; he was always pig-headed, always absolutely certain that he was right, and insistent that his way was the only way. I couldn't imagine trying to navigate a romantic relationship with that man.

Edward's decision-making throughout the whole ordeal made it even more of a conundrum. If he wanted to fall in love with what could be a delectable meal, so be it. I understood; after all, I fell for Emmett when he was still human. It was Edward's reluctance to turn her that baffled me. The more I thought about it, the more I blamed him for the pain in my ass that the girl had become; if I tried to look at things objectively, I supposed I could see how she might view our lifestyle as romantic or attractive. Too bad she was so completely mistaken.

_Back away, Rosalie, back away. You don't need to find any common ground with the girl._

"So essentially you're saying that you came to me because you think I don't give a rat's ass what happens to you."

"Pretty much, yeah."

A part of me was pleased I had managed to sustain such an attitude of cruelty and heartlessness. It functioned well for keeping undesirables away. The other part knew it wouldn't help things any if the girl really would be around for good this time.

I tried to keep my face neutral. "Interesting."

"So how can I figure this out?"

"You probably can't without getting yourself killed."

I only admitted to myself that she seemed to have developed some general adeptness while on her own. She might be more useful than I was giving her credit for. Regardless, ff there really was a nomad endangering our claim on this territory, it would behoove me to take the time to find out. It was also true that Bella would be unlikely to discover anything new without putting herself in supreme danger, and if that happened, Edward would become a pain again.

"Okay then; you have any suggestions?" She looked at me with intensity etched in all of her features.

Her jaw set, and I knew that no matter what she'd probably proceed with stupidity whether she had my help or not.

"I'll tell you what—give me a chance to poke around and I'll let you know what I find."

"Really?"

"Yeah, don't make a big deal out of it. Now, I have an appointment to kick some ass, and I need to get in the right mindset. I hope you don't mind Tool."

I didn't wait for her to answer; I pressed play on my iPod, turned up the volume, and stamped on the gas pedal.

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><p><strong>Rush.<strong>

_God, I've needed this._

I thought that I would be uncomfortable and cold, sitting snug in a cross section of branches near the top of a particularly large specimen of eastern white pine. My body was too overwhelmed by adrenaline to be bothered with worrying about the temperature; it no longer cared about maintaining homeostasis, and I gave my brain no opportunity to register fear from being perched on the delicate limbs of the tree, over a hundred feet above terra firma. By now I was high in more than one sense of the term; I was completely wired, and needed to calm myself down before I ended up bouncing myself right out of the tree.

_No, I'm not an adrenaline junky, not at all. Besides, I don't think there are any twelve-step programs for this. _

If I were to be honest with myself, however, I would have to admit that I had been dying for a fix. My craving for dangerous activity had not been so actively chewing at me since before the holiday break, and it had occurred to me that perhaps it was because of the danger inherent to getting comfortable around a bunch of vampires.

_Perhaps that explains more than I would care to confess. Has this need for placing myself in peril been latent within me the whole time? _

Esme sat beside me, a satchel full of various gear beside her. "Have you played before?"

I shook my head.

"Then here's what you need to know." She pointed around the woods, marking off an area of about fifty yards square with her finger. "Those are the boundaries everyone will stay in. The area between those boulders there and there are the dead zones. That's where everyone will store extra equipment and go for refills. No one is allowed to shoot anyone else when they're in those zones, so if you see that happen, tap me ... or shoot the perpetrator. More on that in a bit."

She reached into the bag and retrieved several very large rifles with telescoping sights. Very large. Huge, really, and if I didn't know that Esme had no intent to harm me, I'd be freaked out. They were bigger than anything I'd ever seen walking through a Cabela's or Gander Mountain.

"The first game will go quickly, because they'll be playing Capture the Flag. In a second you'll see someone set up flags on each side of the field; each will be tied to the trunk of a tree, sixty feet up or so. The first to get the opposing team's flag and return to the dead zone on their home end of the field wins. If a player is carrying an opposition flag when hit, that player must immediately drop the flag and exit to the dead zone. Then another member of that team is free to continue with it, or a member from the originating team can attempt to retrieve it and return it to base. A team member cannot move their own flag otherwise. This first one will be a grudge match to avenge this morning's football game, so Jasper, Carlisle, Emmett and Alice will be on the left, leaving Edward and Rosalie on the right."

"Two on four to handicap Edward's advantage?"

She nodded. "I'd argue that it doesn't really work, but it's better than not bothering with any attempt to balance the field. Where was I? Ah, yes, I was about to explain hits. The rules would demand that a player be eliminated upon any hit, but given our speed and the problem that the velocity of paintballs is far lower than other projectiles such as airsoft pellets or bullets, they're quite a bit easier for us to see and hear coming. Therefore, one extra rule to slow players down: the game refs, and that would be you and I in this case, get to take pot shots at any player. Any player hit by an orange ball is not disqualified but does have to return to their side's dead zone, and start again. I tend to reserve it for players that are getting close to shooting someone, which all results in making successful shots a near impossibility; it's hilarious. The primary difference you'll see in this game versus all-human games is that our game depends almost entirely on the stealth required to get in a close range shot. Given our enhanced senses, getting close has to be done quickly. It's all quite amusing to see it in action."

She showed me how to use the rifle in my hands and by the time she was done, the game was ready to begin. I heard a strange, clear yelping sound from the west.

"That was Emmett signaling that he's ready."

I heard a similar sound from the east.

"Rosalie."

Esme herself made a final cry, piercing and sharp in my ears given her proximity. She turned to me to whisper.

"Let the games begin."

This beat Vampire Baseball by a long, snow-covered, uphill mile. All six of them moved at their naturally lightning-fast speeds, only to slow to a crawl when they were within reasonable shooting range. Each time this happened, I would hear a loud, quick popping sound from beside me, followed shortly thereafter by an orange splat on the body of the competitor, ending with a vampire sulking away back to base. Strategies changed throughout the game, with the Edward-Rose team having made the decision to have Edward focus entirely on utilizing his speed to grab the flag, Rose covering his rear.

In a position to easily surmise the plan that had manifest, I trained my sight and aimed my gun on the tree of Team Jasper. Edward was ten feet away from the target flag.

_I'm sorry, darling, but you know what they say about everything being fair in love and war n' all. _

The second I saw Edward get within five feet of the tree, I pulled the trigger. The automatic rifle sprayed the large pine repeatedly, and I caught him five times. His shoulders were covered with orange paint.

"Wow, that was cold." Esme looked surprised at my actions. I didn't care, it was glorious, and I was impressed with myself that I was able to make any shot, given my inexperience. The smile on my face was broad and all teeth. Edward looked up towards my location, but he was too far away for me to determine his expression. I was still grinning when I felt a firm grip yank me backwards.

"Bella! That was a great shot and all, but please don't make me have to worry about you like that."

"Huh?" It took me a while to figure out what Esme meant: In my gleeful targeting I had leaned out precariously far along the branch I straddled, which had started bending under my weight. My realization of this had the opposite of Esme's intended effect; I scrambled to lean back out as another shot of epinephrine flooded my bloodstream. She held me back by grabbing hold of the belt around my waist.

"Isabella!"

"Sorry." I wasn't, really. I would slither back out onto the end of that branch like a snake at the first opportunity.

_Yes, I've definitely lost my mind ... but it feels spectacular. _

Things went on like that for another fifteen minutes or so. Rose got her neon-green revenge, but Alice ended up winning the round for the quad team. Somewhere in the second hour Esme had to catch me as I nearly slid off my branch, and it was the best thrill I'd had in three months. It was obvious that Esme was disturbed by my reaction to risk, but she never said anything, and her scowl alone was not enough to discourage me. It was close to midnight when the fun was declared over. The only thing I could think about while we climbed down from the tree was how I wasn't ready to give my adventurous side up; I would have to find a way to reclaim my bike from the Cullen garage. I knew that Edward and I would be at odds over the issue; he wouldn't want to give it up without a fight, but I would not be deterred. These things were part of my makeup now.

If a fight is what it would take for me to get myself fully back in order, so be it.


	28. Chapter TwentyEight: No Response

**Voting for the Sunflower Awards is open! **

**The Walls of Dreaming is nominated for Best Bella, but even if you don't vote for me, please consider taking a second to go support some other wonderful writers. The URL is thesunflowerawards (dot) blogspot (dot) com/p/voting (dot) html**

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><p><em>This story is written in the first-person point of view, and sometimes switches between characters by scene or chapter. (Please do not panic; I do not repeat each scene from various points of view.) I do not label my chapters with character names, subsequently, your key is thus: Chapter titles that are short &amp; succinct are Bella's, long witticisms are Esme's; song titles are in quotes, belonging to Edward, and Rose's are questions, finished off with an interrobang (‽).<em>

_Reminder: a couple members of my usual team may be missing occasionally because I've hastened my posting schedule and I'd therefore like to make it clear that any screw ups are entirely my own._

_The team of greatness: cookEgawd, Blackjacklily, Detochkina and MunkeeRajah._

_*double muah* to KayMarieXW_

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><p><em><em>A final note for today: I apologize for having disappeared for a while—I've gotten a few tough breaks lately, and they're throwing me for a loop. I have not had much of an opportunity to drop a line to you wonderful individuals who have sent me positive reviews and great, constructive inquiries / criticism. I'm hoping things will get better very soon. On a separate vein, I apologize to the wonderful readers who had become accustomed to reviewing anonymously. A couple bad, short-sighted, small-minded and cowardly apples spoiled the bunch, and as a) the story is already written pretty much in its entirety and b) I'm not apt to take an opinion into consideration anyway if it's rudely worded, and c) I really don't need to deal with anyone projecting their bullcrap onto me right now, I've had to disable anonymous reviews for this story. I figure the majority of readers rather have me continue to post than to go away altogether because I have little-to-no-patience for idiotic grandstanding. (At least I hope that's the case).

Much love to you all, 

Ubergeekness

PS: Since I didn't post last week, I'm going to bring us all the way up to chapter 30 today, so please notice the double-post.

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><p><strong>Thanksgiving, Day 3: "No Response"<strong>

As I closed the door to Carlisle's office behind me, I tried to think of a way to say what I needed to without being disrespectful.

"Why is it that you knew about Bella's nightmares being a nightly occurrence, and I did not?"

Carlisle moved to sit on the front corner of his desk, deliberately pausing before addressing me, as if he needed time to pray for patience.

"Because Alice witnessed it, she told Esme, and my wife tells me everything she thinks I should know, but I suspect that's not what you're actually asking. Nobody told you because you aren't in any position to help her, so the only thing you might do with the information is brood over it, get angry, and wallow in guilt. Need I add that you appear to be proving me right?" He motioned me towards a chair directly in front of him.

"I'm not angry." I sat.

He shot me a disbelieving look.

"Anymore." I sighed and slumped in the chair. "I heard glimpses of your conversation yesterday."

I no longer apologized for such things. Everyone in this house understood that it was often unavoidable.

"Did anything she said help you at all?"

"I suppose I understand now that she really won't ever see us as monsters. It's still hard for me to grasp how she can be so objective about it all."

"Perhaps you don't need to understand. Must her reasoning in all things meet your standards in order to be valid?"

"Touché."

"Edward, you know that I, of all people, don't relish the idea of bringing someone into this life, but I have to ask: at what point would the circumstances be enough for you?"

"You never did it without the threat of imminent death hanging over our heads. You were able to let Esme live even though you loved her."

"Yes, I tried to let her live. She lived long enough to marry someone she didn't truly love, experience an abusive relationship, feel the pain of losing a child, then throw herself off a cliff, at which point I nearly died from the torture of not knowing whether she had enough life left in her to survive the transition. So, you see, that worked out well for all involved."

"I get your point."

I had no real argument anymore. All the relevant factors were stacked against me; it was time to resign myself to this ineluctable fate. It was time to start preparing.

"Then tell me everything I need to know."

I headed downstairs after my lesson on vampiric conversion, assuming that Bella would be back by now. I heard the shuffle of movement in the dining room, and it confirmed my assumption; Bella, Alice and Esme were back from their Black Friday shopping mission. I hoped that Bella would still be in a decent mood given that she had been rudely awakened and dragged off into the early morning, mostly against her will.

I leaned into the room and saw Alice arranging packages on the dining room table.

"Did you have fun, Alice?"

"Get out of here, Edward, none of these are wrapped yet! If you're looking for Bella, I think she's in the garage."

I left before Alice could start throwing things at me, and headed off to the smaller building that stood adjacent to the main house.

_Why would she be in the garage? _

As soon as I stepped through the door, I had my answer. Esme had parked her Rover in the sixth of seven spaces of our garage and it was obvious that from there Bella must have been able to spot her motorcycle, which had been parked in a far corner. She was leaning against the wall nearest the bike, arms crossed, gazing at it with a distinct and obvious yearning. I was suddenly jealous of that two-wheeled death machine.

"Bella."

"Edward."

I walked over to where she stood and mimicked her stance against the wall. I tilted my head feigning interest in the bike.

"I know, it's gorgeous, isn't it?" Her gaze never left the motorcycle.

"I wouldn't know. There's still a cover on it, in case you hadn't noticed."

She walked over and with one pull yanked the protective cover off, tossing it aside.

"That was for your benefit. I know every line of this bike."

"Please forgive me if I don't see it the same way you do. I only see a dangerous vehicle that could put my _raison d'être_ in harm's way."

"I expected you to say something along those lines. I haven't been looking forward to this conversation."

_So you've been planning on driving me insane?_

"But I'm here now. Isn't that what you were using it for in the first place, trying to evoke a memory of me in your mind?"

"Yes, but I also said it was more than that. I'm a little addicted to the speed now, I must admit. I miss climbing, too, but this ... is different."

She sighed, looking at the bike like she wanted to kiss it. This was getting nothing but worse. Leaving the kickstand down, she straddled the bike and slowly stretched herself out along its body towards the windshield.

"Admit it, it's sexy."

_If I ignore that death trap, what's left absolutely catches my eye._

That particular model was a bit garish for my taste. A Ducati, however, might suit my style better.

"_You_ are sexy. The bike? You'll have to forgive me if I don't see the attraction."

She smiled but otherwise ignored my compliment.

"But you have to at least be able to sympathize, yes? I'd suspect the way I feel about my bike is the same way you feel about ... that." She nodded towards my One-77 as she stood up from the bike, walked over and leaned up against the driver-side door, then stretched her arm out along the roof, her fingers tracing its lines. It had to be the most erotic thing I'd ever seen, and I suspected she knew it. I had a point to make, so I skirted the truth as close as I could without lying.

"I appreciate its speed ... its strength. Its power."

"Riiight." She crossed her legs at the ankle and removed her arm from the roof to cross her arms as well. "If you say so."

"Bella." I walked over to her so she could see the earnestness I tried so hard to emit. "I've done everything you've asked of me. You tell me when you want to be changed, and I'll do it. I'll do anything you want, so I think I deserve a little compromise. I absolutely cannot bear the thought of you getting on that bike until I know you're a little less ... breakable."

"You didn't really agree, Edward, you acquiesced, and that's not the same thing. I hope you don't expect me to put my life on hold again until you get it together; that isn't going to happen—"

I spoke through clenched teeth. "You're not getting on that bike."

"—And you _deserve_ a little compromise? Really? You want me to tell you how ridiculous that sounds?" Her voice became a crescendo. "Need I remind you of the various things _I've_ deserved over the past three—"

"You're not getting on that bike!"

"I'm not—what‽" Are you seriously trying to tell me what I can and cannot do? Have you lost your rock-hard mind?"

Her heated speech had become a booming yell. I slammed my palms against the car, my own frustration rising, less controllable. I stood over her, her body pressed against the car, positioned amidst my arms. Her body jerked, startled by my sudden, forceful movement. I infused my swelling outrage into my own timbre, and my voice penetrated the room, ringing against the walls.

"Bella, please, I _need_ you! You have to stay safe for me until I don't have to worry about your every step."

She snapped back from startled to angry. "That's the problem, Edward. I don't need you to worry about my every step." She spat the words, hands balled at her sides. "Things may have been far from perfect, but I did manage to keep myself alive without you. I didn't start breaking any bones until you moved back into the neighborhood!"

"A coincidence that ended in your favor—"

"Coincidence, my ass! She found me because she was tracking you! I didn't tell you because I didn't want you feeling guilty about it, but on second thought, maybe you _should_ know."

I spun on my heels and punched the wall behind me. I could hear Esme think towards me.

_Temper, Agapatos. Your will shall likely lose against her determination. I would never intervene, but know that your reaction isn't winning you any favors._

I took another minute to breathe, and sighed when I focused on the huge hole in the wall before me. I turned back to Bella; her respiration was accelerated, chest heaving. Her face painted with lines of distress, worry and regret. I wished with everything in me that I could hold onto her and keep her next to me twenty-four hours a day, but I knew the futility of my wish. It wouldn't stop me from trying. I had no release for my frustration, for my longing. It was not possible, nor was it right to truly possess her, but at that moment it was the only want I had in the entire world.

Bella's reaction did nothing to sooth me. She appeared to be absolutely terrified, and I had become angry at myself for my lapse in control. Her hands seized my forearms, her fingers clutched at my shirt. She was clasping, holding on as tightly as she could. She tried to pull me towards her, but I resisted the draw. I wanted more control over myself first.

Voice pained, her words escaped her mouth in a cascade. "Look, I didn't—it wasn't _directly_ your fault, it's nothing, really, I was just trying to make it clear that I'm not a walking disaster anymore, I—I. It's not your fault, please, don't ... I'm sorry."

_She's afraid I'm giving up on her; that I'll leave her, still. _

Seeing her like this made me forget the entirety of my anger. I struggled for a way to get through to her, to make it clear that I would never make the same mistake again. How could I make her understand that it simply was no longer possible for me to leave her side?

"Don't apologize." Seizing her shoulders, I took her shaking form into my hands. "I'm sorry, love. Please don't be upset with me. I'm an idiot, I realize this."

I pressed my lips against hers, a fleeting, panicked measure. "I'm not going anywhere, I swear it. For _any_ reason. No conditions this time."

It wasn't nearly enough to console her, and I could see the truth of it in every minute movement of her tensed muscles.

Giving up on getting a firm hold on my arms, she tried to wrap herself around me, her arms tightly wound around my torso, hands latched firmly across my back. I cradled her face in my hands and kissed her again. This time it was deep, long. I tried to draw her nervous energy and insecurity into me, wanting so desperately to relieve her of her fears. Our lips tangled, grappled as if we were fighting to hold onto one another. I slipped my left arm around her waist and tenderly lifted her up, and she reluctantly let my mouth go as she relaxed back onto the roof of the car.

I reached up, my right hand laced in a crown with hers. Her arched back created a gap between the hem of her shirt and the belt of her jeans, the slightest sliver of her waist bare. My lips attacked the warm, smooth surface of her skin with fervor, determined not to miss a single spot. She gasped, the intake of air next exhaling as a clear, long moan. This was dangerous; I was losing control. My teeth were toying with the band of her jeans and a silent war raged within me as I yanked, her button becoming undone. I buried my face into her skin, inhaling, hoping the fire begun there would distract me from my lechery. It was no use. She wrapped her legs around me and let loose a cry of her desire.

"Oh, god—" Another slow, tortured moan. "Edward, I need you." My ardor needed no encouragement, but I couldn't continue with it; I had to find a way to stop. There were a number of things to consider, not the least of which was the gnawing feeling that if ever we were to be together carnally, no matter the extent, I didn't want her lust to blossom from fear. I just didn't know _how_ to stop.

I was given a half second of warning before Alice interrupted.

_Need I remind you that everyone in the house can hear you two right now. It's great you're making up and all, but it would kill Bella to get teased by Emmett later, and you know it'll happen. _

I heard the door to the house creak on its hinges as it was opened a crack.

"Hey guys!" Alice's voice chimed loudly, the acoustics of the large room amplifying each word.

Bella jumped up, her arms wrapping around my head and neck. I caught her and we both stilled.

"Movie night starts in ten, it's double-feature, and tonight it's Bella's pick, so you better not keep us waiting." Alice closed the door behind her.

I tried to hide the urgency in my movement as I began to stroke Bella's back, hoping to calm her.

"Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod. Did they hear any of that?" Her lips tightened into a straight line while waiting for my answer.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking about it. I was a little busy and got carried away. Just so you know, Esme had soundproofing material added into the interior walls of much of the upstairs rooms, and that helps, somewhat. Obviously, no one felt the need to go to such lengths for a garage area."

Her eyes grew wide in embarrassment. Slowly, I slid her frame down until her feet were firmly upon ground. Face flushed, she bit her lip as she gained her footing and began to right her clothing. I kissed her lips again, hoping to distract her. She quickly began to kiss me back as if we were never interrupted in the first place. I pulled away gradually, and stood quietly in wait, trying to avoid looking at the beautiful creature in front of me, both because I was still trying to calm myself and because I was afraid of what she might say next. I was certain that our truncated conversation wasn't entirely over. She wiped her lips with the side of her hand, smiled, and walked towards the door. She looked back just before turning the doorknob.

"Just so we're clear, I am sincerely sorry for throwing that in your face. For the record, however, I stand firm about my motorcycle and exercising the will to ride it."

Perhaps this talk was over after all.

**Why Me‽**

Good god, I couldn't wait until the honeymoon period was over. This revelry over having Bella back in our lives meant that I had to deal with the obnoxiously potent smells of human food all throughout the house as well as be constantly aware of where she was in the house, lest I run into the girl and injure her or her delicate sensibilities in some way. Worst of all was that everyone deferred to her when it came to picking the films for movie night. I feared I would have to strangle her if I had to sit through any of the crappy period romances she had been a fan of in high school. Fortunately, she managed to pleasantly surprise me this time around, opting for vampire irony instead. This resulted in a double-feature lineup of "30 Days of Night" and "Bram Stoker's Dracula." _Well fuckin' fancy that, _I thought, slightly disappointed I could find nothing to snark over. They were perfectly watchable and appropriately hilarious offerings.

We were all sprawled out over various sofas, loveseats and chairs when she started to fall asleep. When I looked around the room I noticed everyone's attention had gravitated to her. She had sunken into a lean that caused her to end up in his lap, and Edward was far too focused on her every twitch to notice that we were staring at all. This was a good thing, because otherwise he'd never let us hear the end of it, given how often we teased him about it. I had to admit that it was strangely fascinating, watching someone drift into their subconscious state. None of us had done it in so long that we forgot what the sensation was like and could no longer fathom it. She looked incredibly peaceful, and for a short minute I realized I was a little jealous, but then I remembered the screaming we heard in the middle of last night, so maybe that subconscious thing isn't all it's cracked up to be.

While everyone else was enraptured by Bella's dream state, my attention shifted entirely on Edward. He managed to look more peaceful than she. For four years he had been acting like he had a large, long stake shoved up his ass, and when I compared that to his behavior over the past two months, the difference was as distinct as night and day.

What could he be like if they ever settled as a couple, if they really managed to find peace in each other?

I remembered what Esme said to me when she had first run into Bella. She asked me if I would deny him what the rest of us had with our mates. I couldn't say that I would. I owed him that, really. However much a pain in the ass he managed to be, he was still my brother, and my family was really the only thing that made this existence worth tolerating. We each had our individual places in this motley crew of ours, and while mine may not have been obvious to some, I knew very well what it was.

Carlisle and Esme were our figureheads, of course. Carlisle, our undisputed father and head cheerleader for the causes of humanity. Esme was our glue and always knew how to help us get along with each other. Emmett was our muscle and comic relief, Edward, our navigator. Whatever sundry situation we may have found ourselves in, he usually came up with the solution for where to go and what to do next. He was pretty good at designing the best overall plan, as long as that plan had nothing to do with Bella. With her around, he suddenly became a total nitwit. Alice was our seer and resident happy, lighthearted spirit, and Jasper was our tactician if ever we needed to fight. Me? My ruthlessness was what made me useful.

As vampires we lived in a violent world, and though we had great strength in our numbers, we still had to take great measures to secure our territory and maintain our anonymity. Most importantly, we had to protect those things while staying under the radar of those who enforce vampiric law. Carlisle was always loathe to act if action required killing. Jasper, though he rarely admitted it, was just as reluctant to take life as Carlisle was, but not nearly for the same reasons. It wasn't because he respected life as much as he desperately wanted to avoid experiencing the victim's emotional turmoil as he did the deed of killing. I, however, didn't give a flying fuck. If someone in some way planned to disturb my comfort, I was willing to do what I needed to in order to get rid of that person. If you threatened to endanger my family, I would find a way to kill you, period. My callousness was my strength, and I relished it.

So there I was, staring at Edward's rather intimate moment with Bella, when I realized that I was not doing my job. It didn't matter that I thought she was crazy, and it didn't matter that having a human around was annoying as hell. What mattered was that she made Edward happy, and she would only be able to keep doing that if she remained alive long enough to get turned. I needed to see if there was any truth behind this new vampire quandary, because she had come to me for aid, and it was my turn to help my brother find solace. I would find out if there was something else after Bella, and if so, I was going to get rid of it.

**"Pins and Needles"**

I was completely unaware of everything in the room that was not Bella. This was the first time I felt a complete absence of hesitancy from her; she was completely relaxed in my arms, and her face was serene in her sleep. I agonized over the inevitable— the eventuality of ending the moment. She may not have the casts and braces any longer, but I knew that it would not be good for her still-healing back to stay in this position for long. I needed to move her to her bed; a space I swore I would not encroach upon uninvited. My eyes never left her quiescent, beautiful face as I stood and carried her upstairs. She did not stir but to further bury her cheek into crook of my arm. I opened the door and obliged myself to cross the threshold, ever closer to the moment I would have to force myself to leave her side. I turned down her bed and sat on the edge so that I could shift her with as little movement as possible. I slowly placed her onto the thick layers of down.

I knew I had to be patient, there was no other option, but at that moment it had become the most impossible thing in the world to walk away from her. I gave myself one last second; I closed my eyes, inhaled, and started to peel myself up from the bed.

"Edward." Her voice was mellifluous and languid. I nearly jumped at the opportunity to spend just one more minute here with her, even if it was quick to pass.

"Sleep, love. I'll be right down the hall if you need me." I pressed my lips to her brow.

"Edward," she repeated. Now her eyes were wide open and rhapsodic. "Wait."

I waited, thirty questions on my lips, begging to be asked, but I waited.

"I found it—the poem you began to recite in my dorm room that day; I wanted to know how it ended."

I was bewildered, and the curiosity was thoroughly piqued, but I wanted her to get rest. I knew now that restful sleep was difficult for Bella to come by, and she had looked so peaceful just a few seconds ago. It hinted at the possibility of a sleep devoid of nightmares.

"You can tell me in the morning. I'll be here, I promise."

"No, listen. I wanted to know about the poem. It's about regret, isn't it?"

I kneeled next to the bed so that my face would would be close to hers.

"Yes, it is. Regret and longing for a love that could have been. When I said it I was thinking about how I felt I had placed us, placed myself, on that path. I was lost in a moment of self-pity. I didn't know that you were paying me any attention, let alone memorizing what I was saying. Please, love, it's nothing, let it go."

I kissed her again and began to withdraw, the term entirely appropriate considering how it felt to be so close to her and have to go. My fingers were on the doorknob, ready to close the door behind myself when I heard her voice call out, strong at first, then a decrescendo in the darkness.

_"And then the day came,_

_when the risk_

_to remain tight_

_in a bud_

_was more painful_

_than the risk_

_it took_

_to blossom."_

I turned to look at her.

"Stay," she said.

Incredulous, I couldn't allow myself the luxury of hope. "I'm not going anywhere, I'll only be in my room—"

"Here, Edward. Stay with me, here, in my bed. You said that you were waiting for me to give you the word. I'm giving it to you now. Stay with me."

And so I did.


	29. Chapter TwentyNine: Oasis

**Voting for the Sunflower Awards is open!**

**The Walls of Dreaming is nominated for Best Bella, but even if you don't vote for me, please consider taking a second to go support some other wonderful writers. The URL is thesunflowerawards (dot) blogspot (dot) com/p/voting (dot) html**

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><p><em>This story is written in the first-person point of view, and sometimes switches between characters by scene or chapter. (Please do not panic; I do not repeat each scene from various points of view.) I do not label my chapters with character names, subsequently, your key is thus: Chapter titles that are short &amp; succinct are Bella's, long witticisms are Esme's; song titles are in quotes, belonging to Edward, and Rose's are questions, finished off with an interrobang (‽).<em>

_Reminder: a couple members of my usual team may be missing occasionally because I've hastened my posting schedule and I'd therefore like to make it clear that any screw ups are entirely my own._

_The team of greatness: cookEgawd, Blackjacklily, Detochkina and MunkeeRajah._

_*double muah* to KayMarieXW_

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><p><span>A final note for today: I apologize for having disappeared for a while—I've gotten a few tough breaks lately, and they're throwing me for a loop. I have not had much of an opportunity to drop a line to you wonderful individuals who have sent me positive reviews and great, constructive inquiries  criticism. I'm hoping things will get better very soon. On a separate vein, I apologize to the wonderful readers who had become accustomed to reviewing anonymously. A couple bad, short-sighted, small-minded and cowardly apples spoiled the bunch, and as a) the story is already written pretty much in its entirety and b) I'm not apt to take an opinion into consideration anyway if it's rudely worded, and c) I really don't need to deal with anyone projecting their bullcrap onto me right now, I've had to disable anonymous reviews for this story. I figure the majority of readers rather have me continue to post than to go away altogether because I have little-to-no-patience for idiotic grandstanding. (At least I hope that's the case).

Much love to you all,

Ubergeekness

PS: Since I didn't post last week, I'm going to bring us all the way up to chapter 30 today, so please notice the double-post.

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><p><strong>Oasis.<strong>

_I was in the desert again, but the wind was not harsh upon my back and I was not running. I spied a pond of clear, calm, cool water in the distance__—__an oasis, and I thought that maybe, just maybe, this time it would be real. _

It is dark; I cannot make out any traces of the colors I know are here: fandango, byzantium, indigo, flame and persimmon, are all muted in the shadows. I sink into their soft fullness. My eyes close; it is easier to give myself over to the sensation of touch. I somehow know that I am really in my desert; this is my longing voicing its discontent. I am thinking about him, and as I do, my body grows hot. I am restless because I am covered. I feel the thin silk that forms a barrier between he and I, and it is stifling me. I run my hands over it, wondering where it begins and where it ends. I know that in the real world it is part of my reticence. In my desert, it is just a hinderance. I grasp at it and push it away from me. Relief.

The restraint is no longer against my skin, but I am still hot, my skin burning, the air stagnant and stifling. There is still something there. My hands roam, and I find that I am still covered. It is not much, but the straps pull at my shoulders and the bodice is tight against my chest. I tug at a strap until it gives. I hear a gasp, but it is not mine. I cannot wonder about it now, I am hot. I pull at the other strap until it no longer resists me. I pull this trap, this unknown corset, up until I can toss it away from me. Again, relief. But the air is still. I need something more. I toss and turn, searching for a breeze, seeking anything cool.

Reaching, I feel something there, something broad. It is cool and firm and somehow I know that this is what I need. I turn towards it, and shift myself closer. I feel the silk again, and push it away from me. I must get to this thing that soothes. There is an objection in the air, but I cannot hear what it is, I am lost in the heat. _Please_, I beg, _I need you, _and after a long moment there are cool, soothing arms around me. I am clinging to him now, but he is covered. This I must remedy. I tear and rip at this last barrier between my beloved and I. Then it is just us, and I am relieved. I am bare against him, and I can only feel hands and lips roaming, pressing, searching, grasping. It is only a moment, but it is fervent, and it is too much. I am spent. My body lolls against him, still and lost in the transcendence. This is enough for me, for now. It is more than I had hoped to find. The corners of my mouth turn up into a contented, knowing smile; I will no longer allow myself to fear. I am home.

"Bella?"

"Mhmmhmmmmm," I moaned, half asleep.

"How do you feel?"

The burgeoning awareness in my brain just barely registered that Edward had to be in my room in order to be talking to me.

"Hmmmm." I could feel the stupid, goofy grin on my face. "I feel great."

Cool lips pressed against my own.

"Good. Now you need to get up. You've a meeting with your design project group if I'm not mistaken."

"Umhmm. In a minute."

_I had been sleeping, and he had just kissed me, which means he has to be in my bed. Yes, it was definitely a good night._

When I finally opened my eyes there was no confusion over where I was. It was easy to determine my location, considering I woke up tangled in silken emerald sheets, my back wasn't aching from my stiff dorm mattress, and because I was topless and pressed tight up against an equally topless vampire.

_Oh, shit. That dream you enjoyed so much last night, Swan? Maybe not entirely a dream ... _

"Good morning, love."

One of his arms propped him up so that he could stare down at me, but the other was wrapped tightly around my back.

"Um. Wow. Yeah, really good." I had finally determined for certain that the only article I wore above my waist was the armlet I was given for my birthday. I didn't want to move. I was comfortable, for one, and half naked for another, too shy to uncover myself. I shifted my legs against themselves, trying to determine for certain whether there was clothing on my bottom half. I concluded that I was still safely garbed there.

"I hope you don't mind ... this. You became restless during the night, and you were quite insistent. I believe you said something along the lines of—"

I pressed a finger to his lips and tried to speak without blowing my morning breath directly into his face.

"I don't wanna know. And anyway, don't worry about it. I did ask you to stay, after all, and besides, I've been waiting for the opportunity to get used to waking up with you beside me again. I'll be right back though, I need my human minute."

_Right after I figure out how to get from here to bathroom without you seeing me naked. _

As much as my mind acknowledged the frivolity of my shyness, getting over it instantly simply wasn't an option. It was going to take a little time.

He smiled down at me. "I'll make sure you won't wake up without me, then." He brushed my tangled hair out of my face. "You're absolutely exquisite. I hope you know that."

"It's hard to feel that way when I have morning breath. I'm going now."

I pressed closer to him, shifting my weight so that we would both roll over. Once I was on his other side I slipped out from under the covers with my back to him. Walking was easier this time, given the short chemise I wore.

_Didn't I fall asleep fully clothed? How did I get into this?_

The shock of it made me forget my partial nudity for a moment. I turned around with my arms crossed over my breasts, my mind battling to decide whether a look of alarm or one of curiosity would reign supreme. He shifted to lean on his opposite elbow, the sheets pooled around his waist; the top half of the camisole short set dangling from his index finger. The sight of my clothing only held my attention for mere seconds before my eyes were drawn to the far more interesting view of his bare chest. I decided to let my question go for the moment, opting instead to snatch my top and get into the bathroom.

I emerged twenty minutes later, wrapped in a towel, barely paying attention to my surroundings, and brain consumed in processing all that had happened. I didn't want to admit it to myself, but over the course of the past three months, I had become comfortable. I had somehow managed to slide right back into a pattern. I was part of their lives, they were part of mine, and it felt surreal in that it had all happened quite seamlessly. I had barely noticed it. I had forgiven Alice, last night I had finally truly forgiven Edward, and the last vestiges of my hesitancy were all but gone.

The fear was still there that this could all change in a moment's notice, a small spark that floated forever beside me. It would stay there until I was one of them, until my eyes became amber and my blood no longer palatable, but in all other ways, I was at ease, and, dare I imagine, _happy. _That was what felt so strange to me in that moment; it was the unfamiliar lack of anxiety, an absence of dread. I even looked forward to finding what the day might bring.

_Today, I think, will be a good day._

Edward left to shower in the bath attached to his bedroom while I was preparing for the day, and I found myself standing in front of my dresser, about to delve into the improbable search for underwear that I might actually recognize as such. Alice had made sure to stock the drawer with a lot of items that looked more like dental floss than anything that might actually cover my rear end. When I looked up from the drawer, my line of vision matched directly with the top of the dresser, and I spotted the velvet box presented to me back in September. I paused, considering what it might all mean to wear the Cullen crest on my person, wondering if I was really ready to believe they accepted me as their own.

I opened the box, irresolute and vacillating.

_Well, put it on, Swan, let's see if that helps you make up your mind._

I slid the ring onto my right ring finger. I turned my hand over, front, back, then front again. I took the ring back off, and suddenly my fingers looked strange, as if they were inappropriately nude. I slid the ring back on again.

_Strange. I think it belongs there. I suppose that's my answer. _

"It looks to me as if there's still a finger that requires adornment."

A piercing squeak escaped me from the back of my throat, accompanying a two inch jump into the air. Well, at least it felt like several inches at the time.

"Apologies, love. I've already gotten used to you being here, so it's become much easier for all of us to go back to our normal movement and habits. Didn't mean to scare you; I'll be more mindful in the future." He gathered my still dripping hair to the side in order to kiss my neck.

"What is it you were saying, anyway?"

"I said that your other hand is mysteriously absent a ring that I think should be there."

"Are you seriously considering—"

"It's never been something to _consider_, really. For me it's only a matter of whether you are willing. I would have proposed by now had I not feared that you would throw me out on my behind."

"Really?"

"Of course."

I had to admit that I had never thought about it. I had always thought _past _it. Marriage seemed so trivial up against the concept of spending a few thousand years at someone's side. I supposed that if he had asked me back in high school, the thought of it would have made me uncomfortable. I had wanted so desperately to maintain my image of the mature, sensible teenager that could take care of herself. So many things had changed since then. If all went well, I would be graduating from college in a little over six months. I had been relatively independent for the past few years, and I had given up on proving anything to anyone, except proving to myself that I could push on and survive without him. Though the idea of it would take some getting used to, I couldn't come up with any reasonable objections.

Edward interrupted my deep contemplation.

"It suits you, love. It really does." He regarded the signet resting on my finger.

I smiled, tilting my head as if a new angle would give me a different perspective on it. It didn't. "I think I have to agree with you."

My smile broadened into a wide grin.

_Perhaps the rest of the days ahead will be just as good._


	30. Chapter Thirty: 2  2  !

**Voting for the Sunflower Awards is open!**

**The Walls of Dreaming is nominated for Best Bella, but even if you don't vote for me, please consider taking a second to go support some other wonderful writers. The URL is thesunflowerawards (dot) blogspot (dot) com/p/voting (dot) html**

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><p><em>This story is written in the first-person point of view, and sometimes switches between characters by scene or chapter. (Please do not panic; I do not repeat each scene from various points of view.) I do not label my chapters with character names, subsequently, your key is thus: Chapter titles that are short &amp; succinct are Bella's, long witticisms are Esme's; song titles are in quotes, belonging to Edward, and Rose's are questions, finished off with an interrobang (‽).<em>

_Reminder: a couple members of my usual team may be missing occasionally because I've hastened my posting schedule and I'd therefore like to make it clear that any screw ups are entirely my own._

_The team of greatness: cookEgawd, Blackjacklily, Detochkina and MunkeeRajah._

_*double muah* to KayMarieXW_

* * *

><p>I'm struggling to keep my head above water, guys, so that means I'm having issues trying to keep up with my posting schedule. Apologies. To make up for it, there will be another double post this week.<p>

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><p><strong>2 + 2 = #%!<strong>

My wristwatch's alarm went off, an unrelentingly loud, obnoxious, and squealing beep. It woke me from the unscheduled nap I was taking, flopped over my desk chair. The chair itself was precariously balanced on two legs against my bed. It was Tuesday, four days since I'd decided to start wearing the crest ring. I hadn't quite gotten used to it so it hurt, nearly scratching my face when I brought it across my lips when I used the back of my hand to wipe my mouth and check for any potential drool. It was the middle of the afternoon, but I was tired; the night before was the first time that I had slept in my dorm room in over half a week, and what seemed acceptably comfortable the previous Monday had begun to feel like a slab of rocks held together by wire mesh compared to my bed at The Manor Cullen.

I wrenched my eyes open and yawned. I had been sleeping deeply lately. I wondered if it had anything to do with Edward sleeping beside me. I put that aside for the moment in order to focus; something was nagging at me. Something that I had figured out in my sleep. My subconscious was particularly good at solving enigmas for whatever might be bothering me at the time, and I was sure my afternoon nap had helped me figure something out, but I had to find a way to pull it into my conscious memory. I closed my eyes.

_I dreamed. What did I dream about?_

An image of a warm day and a cool breeze came to me. I was climbing. It was the day Victoria attacked me.

_What did I notice about it? Victoria spoke to me. It was something in what she said. _

I clinched my eyes tighter as if the strain would clarify the memory.

_She said, "It's too bad my friend Naveen is going to miss this, I told her it would be fun."_

I hadn't thought anything of it at the time, but I was beginning to realize I needed to know who this Naveen was. I struggled harder. My wristwatch warned me that I had to leave for class soon, and I knew that if I put this off until later it may not ever come to me.

What else did I dream? _I dreamed of the girl. The one who follows me._

My eyes bolted open; I gasped. There was a knock at the door before I could fully catch my breath. I would have to think about the memories later, but I feared I may have figured out all there was to know about my unconscious epiphany. Certain my visitor was Callie, I yelled for her to come in.

"Hola, chica. Time for Letterpress, and we need to be out, ASAP, 'cuz you know we'll be called out on it if we're late." She spied the sleeveless tunic I was wearing. "You can't be wearing that, you'll get ink all over it."

She sauntered in, wearing a baggy pair of overalls on top of a ragged, ink-stained t-shirt.

"Oh, no, I'm just running behind. I fell asleep, and I just woke up, sorry."

"Hey, what's with the sparkly-sparkly on your arm there?"

"Birthday gift from Edward. Legend has it that wearing it on the left arm is supposed to make me invincible or something. It's his idea of a joke, you know, given recent injuries and all. Close the door so I can change into a t-shirt, will ya?"

The door slammed a few seconds later as Callie walked closer to me. She whistled.

"He paid close attention; didn't miss any of the details. That's a very expensive joke, my friend."

"What do you mean?" I was sure she was mistaken; he'd promised me it wasn't wasn't a ruby or a garnet. It was just a very pretty glass bauble, a costume piece selected for its meaning.

Callie took my arm, twisting it slightly so she could get a better look.

"The gem is flush against the skin. This, here, where the gem is set—looks like steel, whereas the band here is lighter. This is titanium."

I nodded, remembering how Edward had mentioned that the band of the armlet was titanium. Callie had a lot of experience with metals, as it was her preferred material for whenever she had to fabricate prototypes for many of her design projects. I preferred to work with wood and the more modern, easily malleable, synthetics. I slipped out of her grasp long enough to put on a hole-ridden, tattered t-shirt.

"The legend you mentioned dates back to Ancient Rome. It has to be fastened to the left arm, and the gem has to press directly upon the flesh to be valid. It's supposed to make the wearer brave and daring, and as you said, give you victory over your enemies. The medal immediately around the gem is a fine stainless steel—just enough to not weaken the piece overall, but enough to satisfy the requirements."

"Requirements?" Now I was twisting my own arm, trying to take a closer look at the band that hadn't left my arm in two months.

"Yeah, if it's set in fine steel it's supposed to also function as a charm against insanity. Is he also afraid you're losing your mind?" She snickered.

I stuck my tongue out at her. "He's thorough, that's all. Anyway, what do you mean by expensive? Titanium, steel, and glass can't be _that_ expensive, could it?"

I grabbed my jacket, intending to slide into it before we got outside. We walked out of the room, and I locked the door behind us. We started jogging to try to get to class on time.

"Glass? What glass?" She looked at me with total confusion.

"The heart itself, duh." I pointed to the half inch heart in the center of the armlet.

"You're not serious, Isa."

I slid the coat on, trying not to get irritated. "I specifically asked him if it was a garnet or a ruby, and he said no. He wouldn't lie to me." _Not anymore, at least._

"The leummmgd onmh apluuz to dimnnnnds." She was completely unintelligible, seeing as she had a large hair band between her teeth and was trying to wrestle her long mass of tight, wild curls up on top of her head.

"I'll wait until you're done, since I can't understand a word. I swear you spend more time trying to tame your hair into a neat ponytail in one day than I spend on my hair in an entire week."

"Thanks, captain obvious."

"Don't be mad, I'd trade you in a heartbeat." I had always wanted my hair to show more signs of life. It wasn't completely limp, but there was nothing exciting about it, either.

"You only say that because you've never had to deal with it. Anyway, I'm not disagreeing with you; he didn't lie. It's neither a ruby nor a garnet. You can't be completely ignorant of the fact that the Roman reverence, this legend in particular, only referred to diamonds."

"You did notice that it's a _red _heart, right?"

"Yeah, I'm not colorblind. That just makes it better. Do you have any clue how rare red diamonds are? Judging by the depth of the color, I'd guess it qualifies as fancy deep or fancy vivid. That's a hell of a rock you're wearing on your arm, girl. I knew he drove a fancy-schmancy sportscar, but lordy ... this is a whole 'nother level. Didn't you say he has brothers? I want one."

"There are red diamon—wait, you're seriously saying this is a diamond on my armlet?"

"Yes, and yes. I'm neither a gemologist or a jeweler, but I'll bet you a cool grand that's a red diamond on your arm, and I'd bet you another thousand that market value on that baby is two plus."

My jaw dropped. "Two thousand dollars?"

"I'm glad you know I love you, otherwise you wouldn't let me get away with saying this: no, you dingbat, two _million_, if not more. And I'm serious about that bet. I'm sure your Edward can put up your side of the dough, so if you think I'm wrong ..."

We had just reached the classroom then, so I put the conversation aside and tried to focus on printwork for the six hour class I had ahead of me. I was suddenly overwhelmingly anxious about the possibility that I was walking around, doing all sorts of laborious tasks, with a two million dollar diamond on my arm. I couldn't fathom it. It wasn't possible.

_Then again, this is Edward we're talking about. _

_Oh my god. I'm gonna kill him._

My Letterpress class was in MaggieMo, the same building as my Design Lab workspace as well as Esme's office, which made it very convenient to get to all three. After class I walked upstairs to see if Esme was around. When I found her, I spent thirty or so minutes talking about absolutely nothing of importance and whined to her about all the projects I had coming due. I was entirely to blame for my harsh pre-finals workload because I had made the decision to kick back and relax for the three days I spent at the house over Thanksgiving break. I'd enjoyed the time off, but I had neglected a lot of other responsibilities in the meanwhile, and it was time to pay for my lounging around.

Eventually I left, knowing it was necessary even if just to force myself into an environment conducive to getting work done. Subsequently, I headed up to the third floor to try to make some progress and think for a while. I stopped on the way to check my departmental mail and found a package in my box that was just about the right size to be the valve for Kevin's project. I sat down at the drawing desk in my lab space to examine it and double-check the measurements. I did so dutifully for several minutes, but then found myself distracted by an idea that struck me, perfect for another assignment that was due soon. Half an hour later I was ten iterations into a design for a group project when my mind started to drift off into thinking about what worried me most: I almost certainly had a vampire after me that wanted to finish what Victoria had started. There had to be a way to protect myself without getting Edward involved, and I had to figure out what that might possibly be.

I need to look at this logically, rationally. After all, that was the key to solving any dilemma, yes? _Alright, where to start? Start with what you already know. In that case, what do you already know of that kills vampires. Fire. Dismemberment and fire. What is fire? It is a classical element and it is a temperature extreme. What's the problem with using fire? I'd need a portable source that burns hot and fast. And I'm slow; I'd have to find a way to stop the vampire first. What could stop the advance of a vampire? Nothing but a triple-thick brick wall, that's what. Even that is a "maybe" at best._

Another ten minutes of thinking in circles and I wasn't much further from where I had started.

_Alright, back to this project._

I left it there and switched gears back to the project design. I needed to get this done so I could send a final recommendation off to the rest of my team, and I was running out of time. I wasn't happy with anything I'd come up with so far, and I was fighting to focus long enough to get this done. I was having the hardest time concentrating; I hadn't even finished looking over Kevin's nozzle. I picked it up gruffly, grumbling under my breath the whole time.

_He never did tell me why the hell he needs to spray a supercooled liquid at high pressure anyway ..._

Eventually I sat back in my chair, satisfied that I had created something that I thought would work swimmingly for what he needed. Shortly thereafter, I emailed my design recs off to the my project partners, then my mind drifted back to the oddly shaped object on my table.

_Supercooled liquids. An element at the opposite temperature extreme. What if ..._

Something told me this was what I needed to focus on.

Kevin is working with a substance that freezes on contact.

I grabbed my cell phone out of my backpack and called Kevin. He picked up immediately.

"It's Kev, whoareya and whaddayaneed?"

"Hey, it's Isa. I won't hold you long, I just wanted to let you know that I figured out what I want in exchange for your beautiful, crucial control valve."

"Oh yeah? Can't wait to hear this. Hopefully your request is a candlelit date with me right after finals."

"No, my boyfriend wouldn't like that very much. Besides, what I want is quite a bit more ... _easy ... _than I would be."

I couldn't help but grin. It was nice finally feeling comfortable enough with my relationship with Edward to say such things. Maybe it would shut down Kevin's advances once and for all. He was silent for a long moment.

"Still there, Kev?"

"Yeah, sorry. Don't think I'm giving up quite yet, but in the meantime, what is it that you want in payment?"

"How much liquid oxygen could you get me?"

"Wow. That ... wasn't what I was expecting at all. LN2 is easier to get, there's tons of that around the lab–"

"Yeah, but that's not what I need. Can you get me liquid oxygen or no?"

"Probably, it'll take some effort though. How much do you need?"

"However much you can get me without making me look like some bomb-making wingnut."

I really was afraid of attracting the attention of the Office of Homeland Security or the like. Liquid oxygen, or LOx, had quite a few industrial uses, but it wasn't nearly as popular as liquid nitrogen, or LN2, when it came to stocking your average college chemistry lab. Since the idea had just occurred to me, I hadn't given any thought to how much I might need. I scrambled to come up with an estimate on the fly.

_Enough to truly douse ... _

"Try for something close to thirty-five liters."

"Jeez, Isa! What are you trying to do with that much–"

Crap. My haste to call and make my demand also left me without a viable, logical reason to tell the mundane human why I needed it. Again, I scrambled, but I couldn't think beyond the truth.

_I need it to kill the vampire that wants to see my head on a stake and my blood in her tummy, so will you please stop asking questions and just GET IT FOR ME, PLEASE?_

"I probably won't use anything near that amount, but I don't know how much will get the job done, and its kind of a one-shot deal. As far as how I'll be using it, well, it's complicated. Can you get it or what?"

"Probably. I'll get back to you and let you know for certain."

"Great. By the way, I have your valve here."

"Yes!"

His enthusiasm made me uneasy. What if it didn't work properly? Now it was no longer just his project on the line, but my plan of defense as well.

"When do you want me to bring it by so that we can get this tested?"

"How about the day after tomorrow? Five-ish?"

"Sure, that works for me. See you then."

"Later."

I knew he would find a way to come through because I still had the ability to hold the valve hostage, and although I would normally never do such a thing, this time, my life might depend on this. I packed up my things and left to meet Edward, hoping that, by some miracle, this might all work out.

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><p><strong>Are Stalking Tendencies Contagious Amongst Vampires‽<strong>

Agitated, I pulled at the bulky coat I wore only for the sake of appearances. Thirty seconds later I unzipped it, hoping I wouldn't feel as constricted. I was optimistic and hoped no one would pay any notice to my open jacket given the temperature, which I estimated to be somewhere in the low thirties.

_There have to be some humans that get overheated in this crap, right? _

I was hoping that Bella really was just being paranoid. If she were, I could forget about our conversation altogether and make my way back to indoor heating in short order and have an excuse to get rid of the hefty outerwear. I tossed my backpack down next to the column I planned on concealing myself behind, struck a relaxed pose against it and waited for Bella to exit the building that was several yards directly across from where I stood. It was late afternoon on the Thursday after the short holiday break, and I figured that I had put this off long enough. Chances were low that I would see or find anything of use, but I said I would try, and I would keep my word.

Shortly thereafter, Bella walked out of the Fine Arts building and headed down the campus' central walkway, commonly called "The Cut." I didn't focus my attention on her as she walked, but rather at everything else around her; I concentrated my view on the windows of the buildings that she passed, the people who walked behind her, any interesting smells on the breeze from her direction. There was no indication of anything amiss. I was a far enough distance away, so I wasn't particularly afraid of Bella spotting me and giving me away to whomever might be following her, but I thought I should be cautious anyway, so I picked up my bag and quickly slinked to the next column so I could keep her within my sight.

Jasper exited Doherty hall as she passed and joined her on the trek across campus. I wasn't surprised. While I hadn't generally involved myself in carting her around when she was injured, I knew that he and Alice still generally made an effort to stay close by her when Edward wasn't available to see her from place to place. I didn't have an opinion on how they spoiled Bella one way or the other, but at that moment I was greatly annoyed that Jasper was there. He was vastly more perceptive than Bella, not only by virtue of his nature but also because it was his ingrained habit. His being there would make it more difficult for me to remain unnoticed. I strolled, nonchalantly, to the next column. If I didn't see anything by the time she got to the edge of The Cut, I would have had to cross an intersection to follow her, and there was no way Jasper wouldn't either see me or smell me, since it would place me directly downwind. I started to get anxious.

_Oh hell, I better calm myself down, because he might catch on to that, too. _

Really, he was the worst of us to have been her companion at the moment. Just as she reached the curb, my peripheral vision caught a movement behind her that was just a little faster than it should have been; a gesture that was too large to be something small and quick like a squirrel. I turned my head slowly, then I stood still and silent, hoping whatever it was would move again. It did. My head whipped around and I slid around to the other side of the column to get a look at what it was.

She was a full hundred yards behind Bella and Jasper, and if she hadn't slipped up to catch up to them for the two fractions of a second that she did, I probably wouldn't have noticed her at all. The saunter that she tried to pass off as a walk was the only thing abnormal about her appearance. Otherwise, she was in the standard dress uniform of a standard student in late November: jeans, coat, hat, leather boots and a backpack. I doubted anyone else would notice that there was too much bounce in the backpack; there was nothing in it but air and perhaps tissue for bulk. It also didn't escape my attention that all of her clothing was new. I could hear the stiff denim bend under the pressure of the wind as she tried to move faster for a second here and there, and the leather of her shoes was neither scuffed nor creased.

_You went through all this trouble just to fit in, didn't you? What is it you're after, my dear?_

Now I understood why Bella couldn't determine what she was; her skin retained the olive tone it must have had during her mortal life. Along with her long, straight auburn hair, it led me to the conclusion that her origins lie in the Mediterranean or Middle East. Regardless, the pallor of her skin was unmistakable even though it was not the stark white of my own. That, along with her speed and the way she carried herself convinced me that we were definitely dealing with a vampire.

I grabbed my bag, slung it over my shoulder, and tried to slip in among the crowd of students a few yards behind her. Just as I felt comfortably disguised in the mass of students walking across campus, a rogue winter wind struck my back. There was no time to react; she froze when the breeze reached her, and she spun around to face me, the source of the scent that got her attention.

Bella and Jasper were both now far off into the distance, but it didn't matter. Our attentions were firmly fixed on each other. The need to keep a human demeanor was the only thing that kept me from breaking into a crouch and bearing teeth, as instinct was so strongly pushing me to do. Standing on the edge of campus like this limited me to a devious grin and a narrowing of my eyes. I didn't care who this bitch was, if I could get my hands on her, we were going to brawl. So abruptly that it took me off guard, she turned and ran as fast as she could without attracting undue attention.

_If that's the way we're going to do this, so be it. Into the woods we go. _

I lost her an hour later when she jumped over the side of one of the city's many bridges. I wasn't willing to take the risk of jumping myself, lest someone notice my perfect rebound from a hundred foot jump. I would have had a better chance at catching her had I not been hindered by several factors: first, I hadn't yet had the time to learn the area as well as I knew the area around Forks and a few other places we had lived in previously. Second, she mostly kept to well-populated areas, and she was willing to be reckless where I was forced to be cautious. She could disappear tomorrow and not have to field any consequences. I had to live here for a while. The ordeal was far from fruitless, however. For one thing, I was able to confirm Bella's suspicions, and even though she'd noticed me much sooner than I would have liked, I might have a clue that would tell me something about the girl. Halfway through a less-worn path through an Oakland neighborhood, something fell out of one of the pockets of the jeans she wore. I snatched it off the ground as I ran, but had no time to examine it.

I called Emmett on my cell and asked him to come pick me up near where our chase had ended, on the Boulevard of the Allies. I shoved the cell phone into my left pocket with one hand while I dug the artifact out of my right pocket with the other.

It was a brooch of strange design. A cluster of many diamonds, all set on a reflective, silvery tungsten. Centered in the diamonds were three red stones I assumed to be rubies, and on top of the middle ruby was a wispy, tungsten swirl, inlaid into the gem. This small, detailed sliver of metal wound its way through and around the stone, culminating in a final shape that could only be the letter "V." The intricacy and craftsmanship of it was just impeccable, but though something about it felt like it should have been familiar to me, it wasn't. I was certain that I had never seen anything like it. I flipped it over to look at the details of the piece's closure. Suddenly the item had become twice as interesting. It was like nothing I knew; the closure was neither pin nor toggle, just two woven tungsten loops.

_What could it fasten to with only two loops to attach it? _

I searched my memory banks at lightning speed; if there was something to find here I wanted to figure it out before Emmett arrived, because once he showed up I would have to tuck the item away and put this whole issue out of my mind in favor of coming up with a reasonable excuse for why I was so far off campus.

It occurred to me that one loop could be part of a "frog" or "button and loop" type closure, but if that were the case, the loops were on the brooch; where was the button?

_On the garment._ _What kind of garment would a someone wear that would have two buttons on either side of its opening. Maybe I'm asking the wrong question; what kind of garment would a vampire wear that fit the bill..._

_Another second and I had it figured out. A cloak. The thing I held was a closure for a cloak, and what robe-garbed vampires did I know of?_

_The Volturi. Oh holy flying fuck._

At least we were never bored with Bella around.


	31. Chapter ThirtyOne: Bells for Her

**Voting for the Sunflower Awards is open!**

**The Walls of Dreaming is nominated for Best Bella, but even if you don't vote for me, please consider taking a second to go support some other wonderful writers. The URL is thesunflowerawards (dot) blogspot (dot) com/p/voting (dot) html**

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><p><em>This story is written in the first-person point of view, and sometimes switches between characters by scene or chapter. (Please do not panic; I do not repeat each scene from various points of view.) I do not label my chapters with character names, subsequently, your key is thus: Chapter titles that are short &amp; succinct are Bella's, long witticisms are Esme's; song titles are in quotes, belonging to Edward, and Rose's are questions, finished off with an interrobang (‽).<em>

_Reminder: a couple members of my usual team may be missing occasionally because I've hastened my posting schedule and I'd therefore like to make it clear that any screw ups are entirely my own._

_The team of greatness: cookEgawd, Blackjacklily, Detochkina and MunkeeRajah._

_*double muah* to KayMarieXW_

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><p>I'm struggling to keep my head above water, guys, so that means I'm having issues trying to keep up with my posting schedule. Apologies. To make up for it, there will be another double post this week. (This is post 2 of 2 for this week.)<p>

Much love and appreciation!

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><p><strong>"Bells for Her"<strong>

Things were still so ... tentative. I was constantly afraid of making the wrong move around Bella. I was contemplating this very issue on the first Friday evening of December when Bella excused herself from the table to leave for bed. The rest of the family occupied themselves with a game of Settlers of Catan except for myself and Esme. I sat beside them, quietly watching Bella ascend the kitchen staircase to the second floor.

Although it had become more common for her to request my presence beside her while she slept, I had not become so presumptive as to assume she always wanted to fall asleep beside me. Sometimes I sensed hesitancy from her, and I suspected it was because she felt guilty for asking—she thought she was subjecting me to undue boredom. I tried to make it clear in no uncertain terms that there was nothing I desired more than the chance to watch her fall asleep in my arms. Nothing took priority. Therefore, it was hard not to dwell on what I may have done wrong when I saw her leave the room without requesting my company.

Esme eyed me over the non-prescription glasses she sometimes wore to bolster her academic persona.

_Don't stress over it, Agapatos. Time does wonders._

"Does it, Mother?"

_So impatient._ She smiled. _You're here, aren't you?_

Confusion creased my brow.

_Once upon a time I begged you to give me a month. Look at how much your life changed in a single span of thirty days._

There was nothing I could say to that but to admit she was right.

_Besides, she's tired. She's been studying all day, and it must be at least a little annoying to do it around a bunch of schoolmates that have perfect recall and who have taken at least half of their course-load five times before. If I were in her shoes, I wouldn't want to be around any of us right now, either! _Her smile widened as she walked into the kitchen to put away the kettle from Bella's evening tea._ It's a miracle she's here at all._

At that, I felt a little relieved. Was Esme ever wrong? I should be thankful that she was comfortable coming here, and that she had decided to spend most weekends here with us, including even the occasional weeknight, ever since Thanksgiving. My mother's plan had worked. She adored her room; it spoke to her, and she recognized that. It was clear to all that it was her own space, and Bella retreated to it whenever she wanted to be close, but not directly with us. She was finding and maintaining her boundaries, and this was good. Healthy. I had to respect that. After all, it was better than Alice and Jasper's first decade with us. They would stay glued to our collective hips for two years or so, then disappear on a much needed break for six to eight months, which would throw Esme into a complete tizzy. It took them at least nine years to find a comfortable balance.

_Ed, dude!_ Emmett thought.

I looked up to find the bulk of my family staring at me. Apparently, I had begun to tap my fingers against the table during my pondering, and it was annoying everyone in my presence.

"Oh. My apologies."

I was about to find something useful to do with myself when my cell phone vibrated. I checked the caller ID as I pulled it out of my pocket, only to see a text message. It was from Bella's phone.

_Are you coming or what?_

I grinned.

Esme shook her head. _Kids these days._

I bid adieu to the table with a rolling wave of my hand and bounded the one-and-a-half sets of stairs to get to the room in the turret, where my princess awaited me.

Lately, life held a new surprise in store for me each day, and today was no exception.

"I thought you were trying to get some slee—"

I walked into the room to find Bella lounging on her back, on top of the covers of her bed and her knees raised to support a huge textbook that, having been unable to see the cover, I could only assume was for her DiffEQ class. She alternated between chewing on the end of her pencil and furiously scribbling notes in the margins of the book. The one thing that set the scene askew was the fact that she wore an aubergine chemise that was demure in size and veered towards "pretty" rather than "sexy," but it was also very sheer, and it didn't take much to trigger my baser instincts.

"Sleep? Yeah, but I'm having a hard time not worrying over my final. Regardless, shouldn't you be up here with me either way?"

She said it with a straight face that never left the book, completely void of humor or irony. I was having a difficult time staying focused enough to contemplate her words and render myself able to move beyond the door. I came to the conclusion that I would have to avoid looking in her direction in order become functional again.

"This is your space. I won't enter without your explicit invitation. I want this to remain your sanctuary."

A long, slow sigh came from her direction. "You're invited. Now get over here and help me get to sleep."

She closed the book and rolled over to place it on the nightstand beside the bed. It gave an uninterrupted view of the the lines of her backside and bare legs, and once again I was rendered immobile. _Why wasn't this getting easier?_ A long time ago, Bella had spent the better half of a year fighting against Alice's attempts to change her wardrobe, and even at this point, Alice hadn't made any inroads into Bella's everyday wardrobe of jeans, tank-or-t-shirt with hoodie-or-sweatshirt, so how was it that she had so willingly accepted Alice's meddling when she stocked her room with lingerie? Bella even seemed, dare I say it, just as comfortable in her silky evening wear as she was in the sweats and T's she wore every night as a teen.

_Lead us not into temptation ... _

"I'm not going to be very comfortable to lean against in these rough, scratchy jeans. Back in a minute."

I walked to my room at the speed-of-snail, trying to gather my wits about me during the short trip down the half stair and to the end of the hall.

Five minutes ago, I wanted nothing more than to be in this room with her; someday I'll be more careful what I wish for. There was still nowhere I would rather be, but I realized now that tonight might be a bit of a struggle for my willpower. With a few notable exceptions, things had remained somewhat restrained between us, for several reasons. For one, most of our nights together ended in Bella's dorm room bed, and the extra-long but still twin-sized mattress was not conducive to much movement if we both wanted to stay in the bed and not fall on the floor. Second, Bella was usually exhausted from the day's events. She worked hard to stay ahead of her peers, and delved into her studies with a single-minded focus I had never seen in her previously. It was impressive, and it took much of her energy. She was often unconscious mere seconds after her head hit her pillow.

Those issues helped counter those that weren't working quite in my favor, which included, for one, being a centenarian virgin, often laying, half-naked, next to the woman he desires most in the world. Then there was the phenomenon that I had come to call "the primality." When I left Bella and forced the attempt to sever my bonds from her, whatever the nature of those bonds, I believe I triggered something powerful—something I could not have anticipated. A deep-seated, physical, and primal need to be near her, with her, around her ... within her. Carnal thoughts that were once only something I had to deal with in the heat of the moment now put me through the ringer on a constant, ceaseless basis.

Part of me often wondered why this was a problem. Eventually my common sense would kick in and remind me that it was an issue because it made me reckless. I had already crossed one line, and it was one she wouldn't let me back down from.

I returned from my room wearing a pair of flannel pajama pants covered in miniature Bela Lugosi-style caped vampires. Esme had bought each of us a pair while on a particularly interesting shopping trip. I never thought I would actually wear them, but tonight I recognized the potential benefits of showing up in the silliest item I could find.

Bella looked up and over her pillow, and her chest began to softly heave, exposing the laughter she tried to hide.

"Shush. These are all the rage on the Paris runways right now, I guarantee you."

She gave up trying to hold it in. "Bwahaha! They're so cute! I never imagined I'd see anything like that on you." She gave her best classic-Hollywood-vampire impersonation. "Come 'ere, Edward, I know you vant to suck my blood!"

I grimaced before peeling back the covers and sliding in beside her. All silly, lighthearted sentiment seemed to vanish. Her arms snaked around me immediately, her breasts pressed against me, a thin, wispy combination of silk and lace all that was separating me from the bashful blush I saw creep across her chest. A leg twined around one of my own, and my body responded instantly, without any prodding needed from my brain.

_You can resist this, Edward. This is not how you want this to happen. _

A gentle kiss on my left pectoral major. I tensed. Her neck arched, face lifting to meet mine.

"Kiss me."

I replied with a kind, soft, loving impression of my lips onto hers. Upon release she looked at me, eyes laughing and a slow grin on her lips. She knew I was holding back, and she wasn't going to let me get away with it. Her nails dug into my shoulder as much as they could grip, pulling herself closer.

"Edward, I only want to think about you. Make me forget everything else. _Kiss me._"

This was the line I had crossed on that day in the hospital room after her fall. Back in Forks there had been a hundred and one nights of closed-mouth, simple, pressed kisses and reasonably set expectations, all ruined when my desperation evaporated the bulk of my caution, my consternation fizzling into nonexistence the second I felt the heat of her breath against my skin. I forced my way inside on that day, that first day I was finally able to see her again; I needed to feel the heat there, had to have confirmation that she was alive, there and in my reach. In my arms. I had to be closer. It wasn't enough to touch her, I had to be part of her. The _primality_ demanded it.

I forgot about the venom, paid no heed to the danger of my incisors. In that moment, I completely and absolutely lost myself in her, and she would never let me forget it. She wanted every kiss to remind her of that one, even best it, if possible. The worst part was that she knew I was capable of the task. Each time I complied, my sanity ripped a little more, knowing I could not refuse her, but acutely aware I was placing her in danger. I could only be certain I would not harm her if I were certain I could remain in control. She was asking me to willfully discard that control. How was I to manage it? A particularly tricky predicament to be in considering I promised Bella I would do anything, _absolutely anything, _to win her back, and I could not back down from that vow.

Could she hear the wretched supplication in my voice when I called her name?

"Bella ..."

"I've waited _years, _Edward, _years. _I've denied ... several, especially myself, in favor of waiting for you, even though I never thought you'd come back to me. How much longer are you going to make me wait?"

She straddled me then, and if it were in any way possible, I would have burst into flame.

The primality surged forward. _Don't overthink this. You have to have her. Where does this denial get you?_

I gave her what she wanted until she asked for too much. It was entirely unfair: the farther we went, the harder it was to fight both her and my unquenchable thirst.

"I don't want you to have to wait at all, but I have to ask you for more time. I need to be able to ..."

I was convinced she had chosen to ignore my words since she had released her hold on my shoulder to leave lingering, soft kisses down my abdomen, the procession downward getting slower as she went until she began to interrupt the path with tiny licks in between kisses.

I inhaled sharply. "... adjust. We have to build up to this."

I moved to pull her back up to me, but her mouth was not deterred or distracted from its task even while her hands grabbed my wrists and pressed them flat beside me. And how easily she had done it!

_Where is my strength now? _

Her finger toyed with the elastic of my waistband, pulling it down just beyond the line of my Apollo's belt.

"Isabella, please!"

Her head snapped up.

"As long as you have waited, multiply that by four score for me. Trust me and believe that I want you more than anything, but a couple things must happen first."

The thin strap of her chemise had fallen, and was now draped around her forearm, perfectly framing the delicate hollow at the base of her neck.

"Such as?" Her voice was heavy with impatience and lust. It was breathy and husky, and it hit me like a shot of adrenaline to the heart. My reaction did not escape her notice.

"Not all of you appears unwilling."

Her voice kept me on the brink.

"Ninety nine point nine of me is incredibly willing. The last percent knows this momentary heaven isn't worth it if it is to be a phyrric victory. You know the imbroglio we are in, and yet you force me to cling to my restraint by gossamer. My need for you is completely ineffable, so do not make the mistake of thinking I am simply being ... unreasonable. There's—"

She relaxed her weight onto me and tangled around me in a labyrinthine way that nearly killed me. I realized she was only trying to find a comfortable position, but feeling the whole of her against so much of me was nearly my undoing, and this time she was completely unaware.

"Edward, you make no sense."

"Is that so?"

"The worst-case scenario is that you lose control and bite me. If that happens, you've solved one of your self-defined problems. You don't have to figure out how you'll turn me, and the deed is done. If I'm somehow injured in the process, how much would I feel it anyway given the pain of the change?" She yawned and stretched, her fingers flitting across my chest before landing on the sheet beside me. "The timing would be unfortunate, but well, how often does life go as planned?"

I was worried she would get chilled, having pressed herself up against my 70° steady body temperature. I pulled the duvet up to cover her and her leg squirmed out from underneath to poke out of the end.

"Umm. Don't bother. I'm hot, actually." Her voice had begun to take on a languid tone. I suspected she had given up on seducing me for the night and was beginning to fall asleep. Much of my psyche felt regret at her retreat.

"How is that possible?

"Electric, heated mattress cover. You don't—" She stretched again and landed in yet a different position. "—feel the warmth?"

Esme was a genius.

"I thought it was you radiating your body heat." I stroked her back in long, delicate touches. "Back to the issue at hand. There is no doubt that we are a moiety—"

"Moiety?" Her voice was getting fainter.

"We are but two parts of one whole. The mere idea of being more than a few feet from you causes me physical pain, so you can imagine that having you ... as close to me as possible has the opposite effect ... but there is one other small matter ... a condition ... I would prefer to satisfy before our trysts escalate any further."

"Umhmm?" She snuggled into my chest, though there was little give there. I grabbed a pillow from beside me and tucked it between us.

"I want us to be wed."

Nothing.

"Bella?"

I heard a low, light snore from just below me.

At least I could say I tried not to blindside her with this.

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><p><strong>(My Very First Easy-Bake-Physics) Laboratory.<strong>

Kevin and I were standing deep in the dark depths of the building that held most of the undergraduate chemistry and physics labs. It was time to test the second iteration of the nozzle I'd designed, and time was running out, so he was desperately praying it would fit and work correctly. He had no idea how much I sympathized with his position; my plans also relied on having this damned contraption in working order.

"It seems to fit this time. Alright, Isa, stand behind me. I'm going to release the valve now, and if all goes well, you won't be able to see five feet in front of you."

He did just as he warned and twenty seconds later out came a forceful spray of clear liquid that quickly warmed into a thick, white smoke. After backing up a few feet, my curiosity got the better of me and I asked him, for a second time, what he was planning on spraying with the nitrogen.

"Well, I'm trying to find out how little material I need to supercool flat expanses of fiber optic cable, which will subsequently be used–"

I nodded, and he stopped speaking, assuming it was the standard smile-and-nod usually revealed when a person is only pretending to know what the hell you're talking about. I had to admit that his description was starting to bore me, but the implication that not-a-science-major girl standing in front of him was too dim to follow what he was saying was enough to prompt me to hand him his ass on a platter.

"So then you're supercooling the cable to make a superconductor of some sort?"

"Uh ... yeah, actually–"

I held back the meanest of my thoughts.

_Then you're probably going to do something with the cable that's been done two thousand times before, given that making superconducting cables is nothing new, but whatever._

There was no need to be harsh; I had proven my point.

"But you have enough LN2 in that dewar to cryogenically store three corpses. What the heck are you going to do with the rest of it?" I asked.

One could fit at least four Isa-clones into the shiny, metal vacuum flask storage container of nitrogen. It took up at least ten percent of the lab's floor space.

"The truth?"

"No, I want you to tell me the biggest whopper of a lie you can possibly manage. Of course I would like the truth."

"I'll probably split it with the rest of the juniors and we'll make ice cream. Freeze a couple of chocolate-covered bananas."

"Wow. Maybe I didn't want the truth after all."

"If you were looking for something more exciting, I'll admit that we might make a couple of blevees, too, but if you rat me out I'll have to hunt you down and kill you."

He paused for a second then looked at me strangely–again. "A blevee is–"

"I know what they are, Kevin."

In fact, when he said it, it made me nervous. BLEVE stood for Boiling Liquid Expanding Vapor Explosion, which was, essentially, a bomb made from placing a supercooled liquid into an untrustworthy or leaky container. The liquid gets exposed to room-temperature air, creates the same kind of vapor I had just witnessed a minute ago, and because that vapor is trapped within a container too small to hold the expanding gas, it explodes. In this case, it was the geeky-physics-student equivalent of setting off stink bombs in an abandoned parking lot. In any case, it was a little too close to what I planned on doing with the liquid oxygen I hoped to acquire, and I didn't want anyone coming to that kind of conclusion. There was a big difference between using liquid nitrogen, like Kevin, and using liquid oxygen. For my purposes, it made all the difference in the world. I was anxious to get on with the meeting.

"Well, it works. I'm glad." I plastered on a forced smile. "My job is done."

"Yes, it works exactly as I needed it to, and it's awesome. Thanks a bunch, Isa."

He stood and looked at me, expecting me to say my goodbyes and make my exit. I stared back, unmoving.

"Soooo ..." he said.

"So is there any word on my oxygen?"

"Oh! Yeah. It'll be here in about a week. I was able to get you a twenty-five liter dewar. Hopefully that'll be enough for you. You sound like you might know enough about what you're doing–"

I really didn't mind Kevin most of the time, but he was doing a swell job at erasing three years of goodwill in the span of fifteen minutes.

"I'll be fine, thanks. Where will I need to pick it up from?"

"It'll be delivered to this lab. I'll put your name on it so no one messes with it, and give you access to the lab when it comes in."

"You'll put my name on it? You mean, like you'd put my name on a container of yogurt in an office fridge?"

"Exactly like that, yes."

"Well that makes me feel so ... safe and secure." I made sure that my voice dripped with sarcasm. There was nothing that made me comfortable about volatile chemical substances being handled in such a lax manner.

He shrugged. "It's an undergrad lab; we don't get any perks down here. I thought you might have figured that out just by virtue of the fact that you're standing in a sub-sub-basement space."

I couldn't help but laugh. "Fair enough. Alright, Kev, I'm out."

"Yep. Thanks again, and I'll leave a message on your cell when the LOx is delivered."

"That works. Thanks, and good luck on your project presentation."

I walked out of the lab, feeling just a little more confident that the plans floating around in my head just might work after all.

As long as I can get everything I need in time.

The problem was that I had no idea how much time I had left.


	32. Chapter ThirtyTwo: Awakening

**Hey y'all. Sorry for the slackin'. I haven't had time to correct my beta edits, so no posting. :( I'm going to try to make up for it this week, but I've been told that FF notifications are borked today, so I might stagger the chapter posts over the next few hours or over the next few days depending on what I find. **

***muah.***

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><p><em>This story is written in the first-person point of view, and sometimes switches between characters by scene or chapter. (Please do not panic; I do not repeat each scene from various points of view.) I do not label my chapters with character names, subsequently, your key is thus: Chapter titles that are short &amp; succinct are Bella's, long witticisms are Esme's; song titles are in quotes, belonging to Edward, and Rose's are questions, finished off with an interrobang (‽).<em>

_Reminder: a couple members of my usual team may be missing occasionally because I've hastened my posting schedule and I'd therefore like to make it clear that any screw ups are entirely my own._

_The team of greatness: cookEgawd, Blackjacklily, Detochkina and MunkeeRajah._

_*double muah* to KayMarieXW_

* * *

><p><strong>Awakening.<strong>

On the Saturday before finals, I opened my eyes to the best scenario I could have possibly thought of: I was curled up tightly against Edward and underneath a new set of warm, thick, fleece sheets that were well suited for a cold December morning such as that one.

I took a minute to daydream about the one other fleece sheet set I had ever had. I was around ten years old and it was a child's pattern, light blue and covered with daisies. I remembered that Charlie also had one; white with blue and green fishing rods all over it. So, given that I had only seen kitschy prints and patterns on flannel and fleece sets, I was totally amazed that Esme managed to find fleece sheets in the same bold range of colors as the silk sheets that covered the bed just two weeks before. They even managed to look just as elegant. All of the pillows had been replaced with fleece versions of similar tones, ranging from tangerine, sangria and cerise to ultramarine, india, and poppy. The magical blankets of winter snow covered the city with a different kind of beauty, but it was a colorless beauty, and the colors in my little haven of a room were cheery; they gave me uplift in a time of year that was otherwise filled only with monochromatic light.

I felt the gentle pressure of Edward's lips on my neck, and it startled me—I still hadn't gotten accustomed to waking up beside him. Regardless, I couldn't get enough of him. I still hadn't revealed that my neck was turning out to be my weak spot. I probably didn't need to; I had a feeling he'd figured that out for himself.

"Good morning," he said.

"Mhmmmmmmmm, mornnnnning."

"I apologize, but I'm going to have to leave soon. It's the last rehearsal session before the finals performances begin on Monday, and you know how many groups I'm accompanying."

I grumbled.

"Are you going to study here, or do you want me to take you back to campus with me?"

I grumbled for another second, then managed to make a few coherent sounds. "I'll stay here so that I'm still nice, warm, and comfy when you get back."

Though I would be sad to see him go, I was more than looking forward to the silver lining—I would be able to lay here in my warm cocoon of color and fade back into sleepy half-dreams until I was good and ready to get up and face the day.

Edward surprised me with a short but deep kiss and I sunk back into the fluffy down, hoping to spare him from any escaped whiff of morning breath.

"I told you not to worry about that, love."

Unconvinced, I nodded, lips tightly pressed together. "Umhmmm."

He shook his head as he got up from the bed and left the room. The absence of his body from my arms left me noticeably less comfortable, but not uncomfortable enough to wrench me out of bed. Unfortunately, fate did not favor my plan to slack off that morning. Some higher power had other plans for me. As soon as I began to drift back into sleep, my door swung open.

"Hey, Lazybella, wake up."

_Well that's a new nickname._

I was unsure whether I should take it as tongue-in-cheek or not, and since I was still sleepy and now irritated, I figured it would be best to think about it further some other time.

"Rose? Whatdahell, man, I wassleepin ..." It was all a tumbling mumble.

She shook my shoulder a bit harder than was necessary. I rubbed at my eyes.

"Whaaaaaaaaat?" I was curious. It still was not, however, enough to rouse me.

"WAKE UP. I need to ask you a question before Alice's nosey butt gets back–"

"Wheresalice?"

"Never mind that. Listen. Are you sure you told me everything you know about the vamp chick?"

"Wellyeeah ..." I pulled myself onto my elbows. The chilled air hit my shoulders and made me shiver.

_Must ... get ... back ... under covers ..._

I fell back onto my pillow. She shook me again. _Hard._

"Alright! I'm up! Let me think." I squinted, trying to ignore the single sliver of sunlight that filtered through the gauzy curtains directly into my eyes. Rose had told me the week before that she did agree with the general premise of my theory; something strange was definitely going on, but she also told me she didn't have any useful details, and that she would get back to me when she had more to share. She also mentioned that in the meantime, I shouldn't worry, as if my anxiety over being hunted like game were something I could turn off like a light switch.

I tried to think hard about her question, in spite of my state of agitated grogginess. It hit me that I had never told her about my dream; the night that I remembered what Victoria had said to me at the top of the rock.

"Her name ..." I squeaked.

"Yeah?"

That was more of a reaction than I had seen her give about anything in the entire time I had known her. Brows raised, she leaned closer to me, waiting to hear what I had to say. I covered my mouth when I spoke next, knowing that Rose wouldn't spare me the embarrassment if my morning breath caught her attention.

"Her name might be Naveen."

"What makes you think that?"

"Victoria ... mentioned that she had a friend. She said she was sorry that her friend, Naveen, couldn't be there to watch me die."

"And you didn't think it might be useful to tell me this earlier?"

"I didn't even remember it until I had a nightmare about it the other night. Forgive me if I don't intentionally try to dwell on the moments when my life has been in immediate peril."

When I looked up she was staring at me, waiting for me to notice and pay attention, so I waited for what she had to say. Eventually I realized that she wasn't looking at me at all, she was looking past me, lost in thought. Just as I opened my mouth to find out what was on her mind, she left the room at vamp-speed, closing my bedroom door behind her.

_Well, at least she closed the damned door._

I crawled back into my pocket of fleece and managed to get another hour of snoozing in before I could no longer deny my body nourishment. In the end, it was my growling stomach that forced me to conclude my gloriously snuggly morning.

When I had finally made my way down to the kitchen for a bowl of cereal, I saw Rose pacing outside in the back yard, talking on a cordless phone. She seemed agitated and she was wildly animated, gesticulating with every word. It occurred to me that she must have been talking to someone about my "problem." If she'd only wanted privacy from me, she could easily have spoken in that annoying, high-pitched vamp-speak they indulged in so often. The fact that she was outside told me she wanted to keep it from the rest of the family. I gulped when the realization sunk in. This might be something big, something important. I grabbed my backpack and prepared myself a bowl of sugar-laden, air-puffed cereal that didn't even remotely mimic the flavor of apple. I hoped that if I focused on studying for my finals I would be able to put it out of my mind until she got back. Two spoonfuls later, I admitted it didn't work. I was glued to the kitchen window, watching every move she made until she threw the phone halfway across the backyard. She looked up, noticed my stare, and motioned for me to join her.

Rose looked a bit panicked. "We have to hurry. I want to be done with this conversation long before Edward comes back, since I don't have the luxury of being able to dwell on it like you do. It'll also be good to discuss this while Alice is at the library studying; her focus will likely be elsewhere."

"All right, what's the news?"

"I don't know how you manage to attract the worst attention. What's with your karma? Who'd you piss off?"

"Dunno, must have flipped God the bird at some point. What did you find out?"

"I don't have a lot of details, but I just got off the phone with a friend of the family. Name's Eleazar. He ... Well ... Do you know anything about the Volturi?"

"Yeah, I saw Carlisle's painting a long time ago, and both he and Edward have told me some things."

"Good. Eleazar wasn't able to help me too much without a name, but when I called him back just now, I got a lot more information–most of it not good."

She looked up at the house, startled, as if she'd heard a noise. A second later she turned back to face me, but this time she spoke much faster. I struggled to keep up.

"The chick that's been following you is bad news. Apparently she used to be a member of the Volturi Guard, but she's on the outs with Aro, one of the head honchos. Last time Zee checked in, she had been ... on a probation of sorts."

She started pacing again. I just stood there, hoping she would get on with this. The suspense was annoying. I just wanted the bottom line: do I have a chance of surviving this or not?

"Edward told me about the little triumvirate of Aro, Caius and Marcus, but what's the Guard?"

"They're the henchmen, basically. The trio make the rules, the Guard enforces it. Anyone can volunteer to join, but the ones that are accepted usually have special abilities of some kind that make the Guard more ... efficient in their tasks."

"Did your friend know if Naveen has any special power?"

"Yeah, but we could have guessed it. He called her an Olfactory Shield. It's a more limited version of what we suspect you are."

"What?"

She closed her eyes for a significantly long moment, and I suspected that she hadn't meant to mention anything about what I _am_. My mouth puckered, reflecting my annoyance that there had obviously been at least one conversation about my nature that I had not been privy to.

"Never mind that now."

"Like I'm going to let this go. What the hell are you talking about?"

"Edward's inability to hear your thoughts—it could mean that when you become a vampire, you'll be a shield. That's our name for something that can block other abilities. You might be a mental shield. Our friend, on the other hand—"

I knew she was trying to change the subject, but I was only going to let her get away with it for the moment. I wouldn't forget to bring it back up at another time. We walked back towards the house.

"She can block her scent," I said.

"Exactly. She can't project it outside herself and block the scents of others, like some other shields, but still, it makes her particularly suitable for her job, which was scouting for them. She was kicked out of the Guard, but not permanently. She can probably make her way back into her good graces if she finds some way to be of use to any one of the—triumvirate, as you called them, and I can only assume that you have something to do with that. I can't figure out how you fit in, though. Still working on that. In any case, she met up with Victoria at some point, and they joined forces. It could be that she's just on your ass to avenge Victoria, but I doubt that. They couldn't have been together long enough for her to risk going up against a coven of seven. There has to be something else going on here. There's something I'm missing."

She slammed her fist into her palm. "Damn it, it would be nice to have Jasper's brain in on this, but I can't risk it."

"Why not? You don't think Jazz would be able to keep it from Edward?"

"Alice is more the problem there, but that's not the worst of it. The minute any of them find out this girl is linked to the Volturi, they're going to want to back away from this–to solve this without bloodshed just so we don't piss anyone off. Carlisle's not going to want to believe that we'll need to kill her, and we'll end up spending buttloads of time fending this girl off. I want to be able to find her and get rid of her before she accomplishes whatever goal she's after. Bury this, and get on with life."

She was right: so far, there really wasn't any good news to be had. Rose's mind and my own would be the only analytical power I would have at my disposal in order to figure this out, so I began to scramble through the gamut of possible scenarios, hoping one would appear more likely than any other. I tried to ignore the fact that back inside the warmth of the kitchen, my remaining Apple Jacks were getting soggy in the bowl.

"What's the big deal about annoying the Volturi?" I asked.

"I thought you said Edward told you about them—"

"'The more one learns, the more one learns how much she hasn't learned.' In any case, I'm asking because I'm trying to figure something out and I need you to help me walk through the process."

I grabbed a glass from the cabinet beside her and filled it with water. I was afraid to finish my breakfast because my intuition told me I might begin to feel nauseous when I found out just how bad this was going to get. Rose crossed her arms over her chest. She looked a little perturbed, but I set my jaw and stared, prepared to sit here until she decided to cooperate.

"All right, fine. No one wants to agitate the Volturi because they enforce the laws of vampire society, and they have a large guard, filled with uber-special, powerful vamps that will come over here and kick our ass if we break the law."

I pushed a stack of books aside to make space for my glass of water. "And the laws are?"

"Well, there's really only one main rule, and that's to keep our existence a secret."

"A secret from humanity in general, right?"

"Any human, period."

"I'm human and I know about you. Am I an exception?"

"To us, yes. To the Volturi, no."

"So you might really ruffle some feathers if they found out that I know about you, right?"

"Duh. They could very well decide to kill us all for letting you live with knowledge of what we are."

"So here's the question: why would Naveen want to screw us over?"

"So now you think this is about more than just you?"

"Jeez, Rose, you still think my ego is playing into my suspicions?" We didn't have time for this; I had no idea when anyone else would get back to the house and become interested in our conversation.

At least she had enough decency to look slightly sheepish. "No, not really. When I realized there really was someone following you the other day, it made me think about, well, everything you've been through. I honestly can't imagine how it would feel to be in your position." She sat on the island chair around the corner from mine and looked me directly in the eyes. "I apologize."

I wished that I could freeze that moment in time and preserve it. I had never heard Rose apologize to anyone for any reason, and I had no basis to think it would happen again. She would likely take it back if I made a big deal out of it, so I figured the best course of action would be to continue talking about the subject at hand.

"Um, so, yeah, I think it is about more than me. I asked Victoria how she found me, and she said that she wasn't actually looking for me at the time. She had been following the family as a whole, and you happened to lead her to me when you settled in Pittsburgh. We know that she was traveling with Naveen, so there's a good possibility that Naveen had an interest in you as well. Victoria never struck me as the type to sit around popping popcorn and watching romantic comedies with a bestie, so I'd bet there was a mutual benefit to them hunting together. It could be that finding me was a lucky coincidence for Naveen as well."

"Wait—why was Victoria tracking us?"

"She was planning to kill Edward." At that moment my elbow knocked a book off the top of the stack I had precariously perched on the island countertop. The book that now rested on top was for a Design History class that was a compulsory degree requirement for all Design majors.

"So Victoria wanted Eddy, and you're thinking Naveen wanted him and maybe the rest of us as well. Got it. I still don't get why. I doubt any of us have ever seen the girl before now."

The cover of the book that now topped the pile featured a tapestry commissioned by Catherine de' Medici in the fourteenth century. Something about the tapestry made me want to focus on it. I had a feeling it was trying to remind me of some piece of information I needed to recall.

"Well, it's probably not personal. You said that Naveen needs to ingratiate herself with Aro. I'm thinking that, somehow, we are her key to getting back into The Guard."

"So then the question is why would getting us in trouble with the Volturi be something that pleases Aro enough to let her back into The Guard?"

"Exactly. Is the family currently on good terms with the Volturi?"

"Yes, as far as I know. Carlisle was once very close to all three. He lived with them for a long time."

I stared at the cover of my history book as I strained to think. _What is it that I need to know about you, tapestry? Or is it something about Catherine? Come on, de' Medici, how are you relevant to this situation?_

Before I could say anything else, Rose clamped her cool hand over mine. "Careful, someone's home."

Seconds later, Edward walked into the room. He spun my chair around, but stopped my rotation just as we were face to face. I leaned up to kiss him, and he enthusiastically kissed me back.

"Get a room already." Rose turned away from us, pretending to ignore us as she wiped away the condensation from my glass of water that had pooled on the granite underneath.

He broke off our kiss, and I registered a mild sense of loss as he pulled away. I had to accept that the kiss I had just received might be my last opportunity to touch him for the day; it was critical that Rosalie and I finish this brainstorming session.

"'Beowulf,' Rose, really? Can't you think of something better to recite in your mind? Our intimacy bores you enough that tenth century epic poetry is more interesting?"

I laughed, then immediately shut my mouth, knowing that my laughter rang false because I'd only done it to cover for Rosalie. She couldn't care less about our public display of affection. I knew she was only reciting something long and tedious in order to keep our conversation out of her mind. I needed to distract him before she slipped.

"I love you, but your timing sucks. Rose and I were just about to head off to campus. She's going to help me with a project."

Edward frowned, dispirited. "Then let me drive you—"

Rose interjected. "You think I'm going to let you drive me in that hunk of bolts you call a car? I'll get us there just fine, thanks."

He peered down at her, one eyebrow raised as if daring her to say something else about the beloved Volvo that was his everyday transport. He turned to look at me; I could see him struggling to find another excuse to come along, and I decided not to give him more time in his search. I planted a quick peck on his lips and stuffed my books back into my backpack.

"All right, then. When should I expect you back?"

"We should only be gone a few hours, max," I said.

Alice walked in at that moment, her arms crossed and a curious smirk across her lips. "Bella, why did I just have a vision of you axing Rose's finger off?"

I slung my backpack over my shoulder and yanked at Rosalie's arm. She looked at me with wide eyes and a scowl that suggested an upcoming protest.

I didn't speak until we were well on our way out of the room. "Strange things happen in the name of science! See ya later!"

I slunk into the low seat of Rosalie's metallic-blue SLK350 for the second time. It was one thing to speed down city streets in a zippy little roadster on a brisk November day, but another thing entirely to do so in mid-December on snow-covered avenues. I would have preferred the Volvo that Rose was so quick to disparage before we left; it may not have been as fancy or as sleek as the little convertible, but at least it had all-wheel-drive. Instead, I would have to depend entirely on her driving skills to keep me alive.

I tried to put the thought of a fiery crash into a snowbank out of my mind so that I could shift my attention back to my Naveen problem. _What do I associate with Catherine de' Medici? I associate her with the rule of her family. An influential family; not just any clan, but a house of sovereigns. What else? Power, but not just for wealth, for control. Power for power's sake. _

"I don't know what Alice may have seen, but you are not cutting my finger off."

"Relax, Rose, it's not like I could overpower you. The decision will be all yours. Besides, Alice saw it, so doesn't that mean you've already decided to help me?"

Her head snapped around to look at me and there were questions in her eyes. She was surprised that I really did have something in mind that included the loss of one of her digits. I was still deep in contemplation but couldn't miss her hands slide a little further away from me, closer towards the nine o'clock position on the steering wheel.

_I'm close to working this out. What is it that was interesting about Catherine, specifically?_

"Are we good?" I asked.

She knew I was asking if we were out of Edward's telepathic range yet.

"Yeah, we're good."

The answer came to me slowly. _Her hatred. Her irrational, unrelenting hatred for the Huguenots._ The facts were all starting to weave into a pattern for me.

"What are you thinking?" Rosalie asked.

"One more question first: is it true that this is the largest coven outside of Volterra?" I wagged my finger around, implying that I was referring to the Cullens.

"As far as we know, yes. We've never come across or heard of any that are larger. Why, what are you thinking?" Rosalie asked.

"I'm thinking that the situation between the Volturi and the Cullens has a lot of parallels between the Medici and the Huguenots."

"You're actually going to make me ask what the hell you mean by that?"

"Oh, sorry, I'm still working out the details in my head." I thought about the conversation I had with Jasper and Carlisle during Thanksgiving break. I'd surmised from Carlisle's words that day that the Volturi held a special place in his heart because of what he learned while he was with them. I also, however, got the impression that he didn't mistake them for benevolent creatures. "Okay, here's what I think: I suspect that the Cullen family has enemies you didn't know you had, I'm being used as a weapon against you, and Naveen the vamp-stalker intends to be the one that gets the ball rolling in a sordid plot to kill us all."

I directed her to pull into the parking lot that led past Scaife Hall, and we followed it into another part of campus that would get us closer to Kevin's lab.

"Explain. Why would anyone want us dead?"

"I'm going to explain everything, I swear." Now that I thought I had figured it out, I was trying to take some time to absorb it all.

We pulled into a parking space and headed into the building.

"Start by telling me what the hell a Huguenot is."

"Oh yeah, sure. Catherine de' Medici made me think about the larger picture. She was born into a very powerful family that ran Florence and most of Italy from the fifteenth to the eighteen century. When I say powerful, I mean it; we're talking a long string of cardinals, popes and dukes. By the 1530s, no Medici had to worry about material possessions; there were a lot of power grabs simply for the sake of increasing their reach into the politics of Europe ..."

Rose rolled her eyes and her head swiveled on her shoulders in an exaggerated expression of boredom.

"I know, I know, I'm getting to my point I swear," I said. "So Catherine, who married King Henry the Second of France, was a Catholic in name even if her actions were not exemplary of the ideals of Catholicism, much like the rest of the House of Medici. She birthed three sons that would each rule France at some point after Henry's death, and as young monarchs, it fell to her to protect their throne. As it turns out, the primary threat to their rule would be the burgeoning population of French Calvinist Protestants, called Huguenots, who opposed Catholic rule. Her first approach was to reason with them, but she didn't really understand that their differences were beyond politics; this was about beliefs, and as long as her Catholic sons ruled, there would be no way to staunch the coming uprising."

We made our way through campus back hallways and into the building that held the undergraduate physics labs.

"Eventually she decided that it if she couldn't win them to her point of view, it may just be best to kill them all. She waited until many of the aristocratic Huguenots were in town to attend the wedding of her daughter Margaret to the Protestant Henry III of Navarre, then she set in motion a series of planned assassinations. It all ended in 30,000 people dead in the streets of Paris. It's called the St. Bartholomew's Day Massacre."

I punched the code that Kevin gave me into the keypad next to the lab door, and we walked in.

"Fun story. Now what are these similarities you say you've noticed?"

"The Volturi are like the House of Medici in a number of ways. They're the ones in power, and I think they see a threat to their rule. We're not only dangerous because of our size, but because we have the potential to grow. Worst of all, we are like the Huguenots; our differences lie in our ideas regarding the core of vampiric existence. These ideas are a direct challenge to what they think is the essence of who they are."

I wasn't sure when I had switched over to including myself when I spoke of the Cullens, but for some reason it felt strange not to, even though I was not yet a vampire. I was surprised that Rosalie hadn't called me out on it.

"I hesitate to entertain your theory, Bella, mostly because if you're right, life is seriously about to suck for us, but if I were to agree that your theory makes sense, then we need to get rid of this girl sooner than I originally thought."

"What's your reasoning?"

"Well, the points in favor of them wiping us out pile up higher when you think about what we're capable of. I don't think they know about the powers that Edward, Alice and Jasper have, but if they do ... "

This was another angle that I hadn't even thought of, and she was right. "That's ... a good point. While I know there's no desire to pull a coup d'état on Volterra, I don't think it's outside the realm of possibility to think that the Volturi fear exactly that. I doubt they'd mind eradicating what they think is a potential danger before we're in a position to act."

The lab that was shared between twenty or so students was empty when we arrived; this wasn't a huge surprise, given it was the weekend before finals and most assignments that required a lab had been completed the week before.

"Are you going to tell me why we're here?"

"I didn't want to lie to Edward; I feel bad enough keeping all this from him, so I could at least refrain from outright fibbing. Therefore, you really are going to help me with a project."

"What's this about?"

_I need to see whether vampires have a soft enough core that it will retard my efforts to freeze it using a supercooled liquid. That's where I could use the assistance of your finger; I need to see if it'll shatter after I douse it._

That didn't sound like the best sales pitch, so I went with something far more exciting.

"I need your help making vampire grenades."


	33. Chapter ThirtyThree: All Good Naysayers

**TAKE NOTE: If you're reading this somewhat close to the post date (3-19-2012) then you've probably been affected by the FFn notification system being down, and subsequently you're likely unaware that THIS IS NOT THE FIRST CHAPTER POSTED TODAY. READ CHAPTER 32 FIRST!**

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><p><em>This story is written in the first-person point of view, and sometimes switches between characters by scene or chapter. (Please do not panic; I do not repeat each scene from various points of view.) I do not label my chapters with character names, subsequently, your key is thus: Chapter titles that are short &amp; succinct are Bella's, long witticisms are Esme's; song titles are in quotes, belonging to Edward, and Rose's are questions, finished off with an interrobang (‽).<em>

_Reminder: a couple members of my usual team may be missing occasionally because I've hastened my posting schedule and I'd therefore like to make it clear that any screw ups are entirely my own._

_The team of greatness: cookEgawd, Blackjacklily, Detochkina and MunkeeRajah._

_*double muah* to KayMarieXW_

* * *

><p><strong>"All Good Naysayers, Speak Up! Or Forever Hold Your Peace!"<strong>

"Alice, what exactly did you see?"

"I'm not sure, really—Bella dipping Rose's finger into a container of liquid, then coming down on it with an axe. I'm not sure how it's possible that Rose would stand still for such a thing, or what would make this scenario make any sense in the first place. Bella hasn't taken up acting, has she? Or practicing magic tricks?"

"No to both." I had been battling my protective nature quite ferociously, trying not to be overbearing when it came to Bella, but this strange vision brought me just about to the limit of what I could allow myself to ignore.

"I … think I'm going to drive up to campus."

"Edward." She leaned against the counter, looking at me with her head tilted and lips broadened into a smirk.

"What?"

"Rose didn't look too concerned, and Bella, dare I say it, looked downright excited, so it makes no sense for you to overreact. Things are going so well; don't screw it up. Besides, I see them both returning to the house later tonight—intact. So whatever they're up to, leave them to it; it's none of your business. I don't want to get too optimistic, but they might even be—" She feigned a melodramatic gasp. "—bonding, and that could only be a good thing. Best of all, this is the perfect opportunity for you and I to work out a plan, and I'm not going to let you get distracted from that unless you have an exceptionally good reason, so there." She jutted her chin out and crossed her arms with a distinct air of finality.

I closed my eyes and exhaled, trying to unclench my jaw and play nice. This wasn't Alice's fault, it was entirely mine. I should have known that I would regret saying anything to her about the possibility of proposing to Bella.

Several days prior, Alice caught me distracted, and in a moment of weakness, I confessed to how well things had been going between Bella and I. I was thinking of the moment I saw Bella put on the crest ring that Carlisle had made for her, and remembered how I had become flushed with a most curious mix of pride and envy. It pleased me greatly to see that she had become comfortable enough with us to wear the ring and accept her place in our circle, but I couldn't help but to lament the order of events; the first ring ever placed upon my beloved's finger represented her tie to my family. Instead, I felt it should have been the ring that embodied her bond with me.

One might think that, as an immortal being, I would grow to consider the rituals and ceremonies that marked rights of passage for humans mundane, perhaps trivial. I couldn't speak for anyone besides myself, but I admit that for me, it was quite the opposite. The symbolism of the traditions that were important to me as a human had evolved to mean far more for me in this life. Marriage, specifically, now held twice as much meaning. Bella's procession down the aisle may be the perfect allegory for her decision to become a part of our world; would her father ever realize that the act of "giving her away" would honestly be the last marker of her passing from human life to something _other_? I could guarantee that "'till death do us part" held far more weight when you knew your union would literally only end when your existence had ended, and all that remained were memories held in the minds of the few that bothered to remember you.

"You're not thinking about backing out, are you?" Alice asked, her voice tremulous.

I knew she considered herself invested in the situation, fearful that I would do something to push Bella away from us all. This saddened me, but it also made me even more cautious about keeping her at a healthy distance. I would listen to Alice's advice, but I had to be clear in that my understanding and sympathy would not translate into allowing her to dictate any decisions regarding my mate.

"I still feel I may be moving too quickly for her. It's only been about a month since—"

"Edward! Stop second-guessing yourself. There won't be anyone else for her; you're both destined to be together and you both know it. You know how I feel about this. I think that your proposal will be the best assurance of all for her that you truly intend to stay."

"I thought we'd moved past that already."

"It's a deep wound, frère, and though I think she's heard you, it can only be genuinely healed by actions."

I could only nod.

She continued. "I would appreciate an estimate of how long you might take to angst over your decision."

"Sometime between the end of the day and when the sun supernovas. I hope that narrows it down for you." I was in no mood to be rushed.

_I'm only trying to help_, she thought.

"I know. Sorry. I just don't think this is going to be a decision I should make in haste."

"I think you're overcomplicating it. This may seem like a dumb question, but why do you want to marry her?"

"Are you serious?"

"Yes. It should be an easy question to answer, so humor me … _please_."

"I don't even know where to start."

"I'd suggest getting the sappy reasons out of the way first."

_Fine. _"I love her, obviously, and she's my mate, so a large part of my existence is automatically devoted to doing everything in my power to make her happy. My own happiness is inversely proportional to my physical distance from her, and whenever she smiles at me or laughs with me, I am convinced that God must have forgiven me for every sin I have ever committed, because being witness to her joy is the greatest gift I've ever received."

Alice pretended to sniffle and wipe a tear from her eye, but something told me that if she could cry, she likely would have. "You're doing great. Keep going; why else?"

"If she said yes, it would put my doubt at ease. Perhaps this is the wrong way to go about it, but I need to be certain she hasn't changed her mind about attaching herself to me for what is sure to be an exceptionally long lifetime."

I hated to admit that some aspects of Bella's personal growth triggered my insecurities. All reason and logic told me that she loved me, and I could recognize her lust through each of the senses I possessed, especially now that it had been brought to my attention which signs to look for. This was what I tried to keep in mind when her willful side managed to distance her from me. She was significantly more independent now, and I was loathe to accept it. I was, however, pleased that she had developed more of a sense of self since her teen years, and the new, more assertive Bella would be healthier for our relationship overall, but I could not deny that it also made my burden harder to bear. It forced me to sit back and watch her take risks that I might not be able to save her from, and it constantly reminded me that the only option that would ensure her general safety, to my satisfaction, was in my eyes, a task of doom that loomed in my future like the Ides of March.

Alice nodded, waiting patiently for me to go on.

"I think it will reassure me that she won't grow to resent me for changing her. I also believe that a wedding needs to happen before that day comes—I would like her to have at least one more celebratory memory of her human friends and family before she is forced to sever ties with them forever."

"How do you think things will change after you're married?" she asked.

"I think I'll feel like I will finally be able to … settle. I've been restless for so long, and before I met her I wondered if I had a purpose in this world. I was starting to hate everything I enjoyed; nothing interested me anymore. I was disillusioned with humanity. Without her, I felt that there was nothing tying me to this world except the thought that ending it all would hurt you and the rest of the family. She … is the element that grounds me. With her at my side, I am suddenly able to find my path again."

Alice did not seem to be surprised at this; instead, her head was down, hands folded, and her face relaxed, as if I were only confirming what she had always suspected.

"And what do you think will happen to you as a couple if she says no? If she declines, will you think that it's because she doesn't love you?"

I avoided her eyes, trying to hide the hurt that rippled through me at the thought of Bella turning my proposal down. "No, I would think that she just needed more time."

"Time for what purpose?"

"To be certain that I mean everything that I have said."

"So you're not afraid that it would mean she doesn't really love you?"

"No." We had come so far, been through so much. I refused to entertain the possibility that she didn't love me. I was _so_ close to my happily ever after.

"Ergo, it wouldn't be the end of your relationship if she were to decline, correct?"

"No. I would just be incredibly anxious and uptight for however long it would take to change her mind, which in turn would open me up to months or even years of ridicule from our siblings, and many depressing glances of pity from our parents."

"Both are punishments, surely, but is your fear of either the ridicule or the pity worth what you would lose ... or rather, what you would fail to gain ... if you didn't ask her to marry you?"

"No."

Then you have your answer, yes?

"It seems I do." I often forgot how useful Alice could be when she wasn't busy trying to subtly manipulate me into doing her—mostly innocuous—bidding.

You're still bothered by something.

"Alice, are you familiar with the story of the Sword of Damocles?"

"Isn't it used as a metaphor for impending doom?"

"Yes, but inaccurately; people often miss the moral of the story. It is said that Dionysius the Younger, Fifth Tyrant of Syracuse, had a courtier named Damocles, who was essentially paid to be a sycophant to Dionysius. Once, Damocles let slip how much he admired the benefits of rule, so Dionysius decided to give Damocles a taste of what it would be like in his place. He gave Damocles the throne for a day, making sure he was well taken care of: attended by servants and courtesans, well-fed by the cooks, and made comfortable in luxurious surroundings. The one exception to this comfort was a sword Dionysius had hung directly above the throne, held in place only by one strand of the hair of a horse. Once Damocles looked up and saw the threat hanging above, he begged to be allowed to leave the throne and return to his existence as a servant.

"The point was never about impending doom, but rather about the realization that what looks like an enviable life—one of power, strength, and luxury—comes along with the constant fear of danger. In our case, add violence and the possibility that when our time finally comes, there may not be an afterlife for us. This is all we have. I wish that I could do that for Bella. That it were possible for me to find a way to give her a taste of what this life is really like before I condemn her to it wholly."

Alice stood up straight, leaned over to look directly into my eyes, and grinned. "Don't think I'm not taking you seriously when I say this, Edward, but I think the five carats I see in her future might be worth living under the sword."

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><p><strong>Is This The Way Out of the Blast Radius‽<strong>

"Vampire _what?_" I asked.

She removed her coat and tossed her backpack onto a nearby lab table, and I followed suit. The goofy grin on Bella's face did nothing to assuage my concerns. I could think of nothing positive that could come in the wake of the words _vampire _and _grenades._ The possibilities became infinitely worse when those words were paired together.

"Well, I wanted to come up with a way to protect myself if anything were to, uh … go down in this whole Nave—er, _new vampire_ situation when I'm sans supernatural bodyguard."

I had a feeling she was hoping to be sans bodyguard. Bella had been begging for the chance to prove herself. Good to know that she hadn't lost all the foolishness I recognized when I met her the first time around.

"_Naveen, _Bella. She's not friggin' Voldemort; you can say her name. And I told you not to worry. I'll have her roasting on a spit by the end of the week—"

"And I believe that, but you know how quickly things change, and you know that if you stick close to me, you're not going to be able to effectively track her. Besides, Edward and Alice will definitely begin asking questions if we suddenly start acting like BFFs."

"You mean you're _not_ my Best Friend Forever?" I pouted to add emphasis to my sarcasm. "Maybe that's the reason why I'm not going to let you _chop my finger off_."

She leaned away from me upon hearing my voice rise in pitch. I was glad I could still have that effect on her. Didn't want her to think I had gotten soft, or lost my edge.

"Like I said earlier, it's not like I can force you. It's just that my plan involves using liquid oxygen to make what's called a BLEVE. If I make them correctly, I can store them in my backpack and have them on me at all times. I'll set it off, toss it, and it will, hopefully, act like a grenade. Bomb goes boom, covers, uh, Naveen in LOx—er,liquid oxygen, I mean,— and even if it doesn't freeze her, given its relative instability, any friction she causes in the process of attacking me will set her ablaze. I am hoping, however, to test its efficacy to freeze a vampire first. If it can slow her down a little before dousing her in flames, it'll buy me a little extra time. That's where you come in. There are some issues with density that will significantly affect how effective it might be at freezing her epidermis—that is, if you even _have_ an epidermal layer—and I don't know how solid or fibrous you guys might be inside. If I could just, uh, borrow a fingertip … it won't hurt you long-term, and I get to test my theory."

"You've gotta be kidding me. Have you lost your fucking mind? You're not talking about sticking my finger in a freezer for a minute. How cold is that crap, anyway?"

"Uh, about negative one hundred-twenty degrees Celsius."

"I'm American, Bella. Speak English."

I could swear I heard her snort before she hesitated. "Fahrenheit? Two hundred and, um, forty eight … below zero."

I think my jaw dropped. "No way. Not participating in your cockamamie scheme. Not a chance."

"How about I drop the shatter test? I might be able to get the information I need from a short dip, and then we'll just let it thaw naturally. You shouldn't experience any permanent damage. You might not even feel it."

"Well at least you've upgraded yourself from insane to just stupid."

"Really, Rose? I never expected you to be … afraid of a little cold."

Was that the best she could do at taunting me?

"I'm insulted. Do you really think I'm simple enough to fall for that?"

Obviously disappointed, her sly grin fell into a frown and her shoulders slumped. A sign of trying to hide her desperation, she began to gesticulate wildly as she spoke. "That's fine. I understand. I'll just have to take my chances. I'm used to that by now, in any case."

I rolled my eyes. "You're horrible at selling a plan. You've given me little assurance that I'll still have a perfectly usable finger when this is all said and done."

"Don't you guys have highly adaptive regeneration capabilities?"

"Say what?"

"You're like a hydra. You can heal so efficiently that it enables you to regrow lost digits or limbs and whatnot, right?"

"Yes, but it's not painless. And we don't grow two of stuff in place of one or anything—"

"Yeah, I know; I was referring to the real animals. There's a genus of animals called Hydra that are named after the mythological creature. They're interesting because they don't seem to experience senescense—sorry, I'll stay on topic."

I supposed she noticed the change in my expression. Normally I would have been interested in what she was saying; one never knew when general yet strange knowledge would come in handy, and I wasn't dumb enough to dismiss such things as palaver, but at that moment, I was seriously lacking in my supply of Give-A-Shit when it came to anything that didn't have to do with solving our mutual vampire problem.

"No, go ahead, tell me. What is senescense?"

"It just means they don't have an aging process. I'll stop babbling now, I swear."

I was curious as to why she knew so many random things. She may have always been this way; I had to admit that I'd never had any substantive conversations with her before. I never thought she was worth my time, and hoped that my brother would get over his morbid fascination with her. I was gobsmacked to find that she was interesting to talk to, and a little acrimonious at having shown myself to be so glib. I usually only played superficial for show; it kept expectations comfortably low.

I sat on a stool while I watched her pour a clear liquid into a deep and slender metal container. Soon after, a thick, white vapor began to waft up from the substance in the bowl.

"And what or whom should I thank for all of this trivial scientific knowledge?"

She shrugged. "I dunno. Maybe it's that I pay attention in class. I read a lot more non-fiction these days than I used to, and every day I'm surrounded by a campus full of geeks, so I pick up a lot of stuff. I think that's enough to have an impact, don'tcha think?"

She slid the container towards the middle of the lab table that was between us, then pulled several small, squat, stainless thermos bottles and a couple of empty plastic Mountain Dew bottles from her backpack. "Time to get started."

One corner of her mouth turned upward, but it was a tenuous smile that didn't reach her eyes. I could tell she was hiding a significant amount of worry. I wanted to fault her for her lack of belief in my ability to track the pest down, but I knew that part of it wasn't about me, and I also had to recognize that she was right: I couldn't both guard her effectively and hunt down the threat.

She grabbed a couple items from a hook on the wall to the right of where we sat, which turned out to be a thickly padded, azure blue apron, a matching pair of equally thick, identically colored gloves, and a pair of goggles. "For the record, this is liquid nitrogen. I'm still waiting for my oxygen to be delivered. You'll know the difference by color. Nitrogen's clear, oxygen's blue."

Bella pulled the container back towards her and carefully poured it half of it into one of the plastic bottles she'd placed on the table.

"Good to know. Why are you using one over the other? Is oxygen colder?"

"It can be. Oxygen has a wider cryogenic temperature spread than nitrogen. That's not as important here. I'll explain in a minute. Stand up for me, please, and walk right over there."

She screwed and tightened the cap onto the bottle until she couldn't get it to budge any further, then ran to the far corner of the room opposite the large tanks that lined the west wall. She pressed a button on her wristwatch, sat the bottle down behind a five foot wide plexiglass panel that spanned the height of the room, then ran back to stand beside me.

We stood and watched attentively, both of us leaning towards the plexiglass wall, watching the liquid inside turn into smoke and the bottle warp under the pressure of the warming, expanding gas. Ten second later, the bottle burst open, spraying the surrounding area and the plexiglass with thick, white gas and the remaining liquid nitrogen. Bella pressed another button on her watch.

I looked at her, wondering what exactly that demonstration was supposed to accomplish. "That was a cool effect and all, but I'm a little underwhelmed. I don't see how that would stop anyone of my kind if we got hit with it. Hell, Emmett and Jasper hit each other harder than that on a daily basis," I said.

"That's why I'll be using liquid oxygen instead. If my estimation is correct, the reaction inside the bottle will be the same, but when things go boom, well, it'll be accompanied by by lots of flame and a very, very hot, fast-burning fire. Like, insta-incineration hot."

That was a significant difference, but I refused to openly acknowledge or congratulate her on her adroit machinations. The pressure of having to watch out for her behind Edward's back was stressful enough; the thought of him beheading me if I'd failed was so scary it was almost debilitating. Knowing she was going to add chemicals and flame to the mix was almost too much.

Bella was still staring at the thick, white, foggy carnage her makeshift bomb had left. "So if I assume the worst, which is that its cryogenic qualities will do squat, then I have a ten second time frame before my weapon does anything useful."

Though we both knew it, neither of us wanted to admit out loud that ten seconds wasn't good enough. I looked at her and saw that there was a steel-like determination she reflected in spite of her fear and vulnerability. The girl was going to stick to her plan no matter how likely or unlikely it was to work. In all fairness, it wasn't a horrible plan, and given the modest resources at her disposal, it was downright genius. I admired her in that moment.

I looked at the smoking liquid that remained in the bowl on the lab table. "But if it does everything you want?"

"I'm not looking for it to freeze her solid, but if it'll cause her to stop long enough to wonder what the hell she got hit with, it'll be enough time to clear the blast radius."

"Then wouldn't it be more useful to throw one at me than to dip my finger?"

"Yeah, but I thought I had a low enough chance of talking you into the digit dip, so I hadn't dreamed of asking you to be bomb fodder."

"Whatever." I walked over to stand in front of the plexiglass wall. "Hit me."

"Rose?"

"Stop looking at me with that stupid expression on your face."

She poured the rest of the liquid nitrogen into the second plastic bottle. "Are you sure about this?"

"Shut up and do it before I change my mind."

"Okay then."

Ten seconds later she threw the bottle at me with all her might. At that second, I realized that there was another problem with her plan: there was no way a vampire wouldn't be able to see that slow throw coming, and easily shift to avoid the hit. I decided to ignore this for now and find a gentle way to disappoint her later.

I allowed the bottle to hit, and it burst open in the middle of my chest, the cold nitrogen spread from my neck to my pelvis. The impact didn't faze me at all, but the cold was overwhelming. As vampires, we weren't accustomed to noticing the minimal temperature changes that occurred, and the sudden shift was startling. I tried to move, and while I was wasn't incapacitated, I was discombobulated. The cold felt as if it were slowly seeping into my core, and my inability to feel and account for every inch of skin I had rendered me clumsy; it muddled my senses. While I was sure that this sensation could be ignored if I experienced it a few more times, there was no doubt that the first time would absolutely change the game.

"Rosalie?"

"Yeah. Gimme a minute." I inhaled not to speak or for the sake of breathing, but just so that I could see a part of my chest move.

Bella pressed a button on her watch again. "Thirty seconds. I'd say that's a success."

I relaxed when I saw my chest heave again, though it was in an exaggerated motion that popped four chilled buttons off my expensive dupioni silk blouse. "Damnit, Alice is going to—"

Just then both of our cell phones rang, the mixture of ringtones creating a shrill, eerie song in the silence of the empty laboratory.

I fumbled, trying to execute the complex combination of motions necessary to retrieve my phone from my jean pocket while half exposed, in a frozen shirt, and still dazed. I waved my hand in front of me wildly to disperse the white vapor that still wafted from my shirt while I slid my finger across the touchscreen.

"It's Rose," I said into my mouthpiece.

Bella answered her phone at about the same time. "Hello?"

"Everything's fine!" Bella and I said in chorus, giving the same response to our respective callers.

"I promise, Esme." I tried to assure her. How did she know something had happened? "I'm not hurt."

I could hear Alice grilling Bella on her cell, so I motioned and whispered to Bella in the midst of talking to Esme. "Bella, ignore Alice and toss me your phone."

She tossed it and I caught it in my other hand. I held it up to my other ear and explained to them both in my vampiric pitch what had happened in the course of my helping Bella with her physics experiment, but the reason for this foolishness was on a need-to-know basis, and only I needed to know, so I kept that part to myself. I said my goodbyes and ended both calls.

"Bella, we should get back to the house. I'm pretty sure that Alice is looking now, and anything we do after this point will become suspect."

I removed what was left of my blouse since it wasn't going to dry up or warm much anytime soon, then raced around the room to clean up the various particles that survived our experimentation. The door opened, and a slender, handsome, sandy-haired student sauntered in. He took one look at me in my bra and his eyes nearly popped out of his head like a character in a classic Disney cartoon.

He gaped at me but addressed her. "Woah, Isa! I didn't know you got down like that. Are we filming a porno, or just being kinky? I can come back later, but I'd prefer to stay …"

I would not have considered myself a prude at any point in time over the last seventy years or so; being a vampire tended to change your view of modesty, especially if, like me, you ever found yourself mostly naked, covered in blood, and straddled across the large furry meal you failed to kill cleanly. Regardless, I reached for my winter coat, unwilling to give this boy more of a peepshow.

"Don't be a perv, Kev. This is the result of a bit of a chemical spill. Where's my LOx, anyway?" Bella asked him.

"Should be here Monday or Tuesday," he said.

"Good. Call me when it comes in."

"Are you sure you ladies aren't interested in the movie idea? I can always jam the keypad so no one interrupts us."

While I normally appreciated and even reveled in gentlemanly attentions, I found his comments bordering on crass, especially considering I knew nothing of him and he hadn't even bothered to greet me properly after having his first bout of fun. In short, he was rude, and I've never played nice with rude people.

I had my coat in my hands, but decided to sling it over my shoulder, opting not to put in on quite yet as I began to approach the boy. Bella looked concerned, but said nothing as she finished shoving her experiment supplies in her backpack. I started to make my way out of the lab, but I stopped when I reached him since he stood in my path. I made sure to brush up against him, and when I began to speak, I made certain to breathe directly into his face, unleashing my most potent powers of thrall. I waited until I knew that every sense he had was entirely focused upon me, his pulse racing, concupiscence stirred.

I whispered into his ear. "Oh, darling, you're cute, but if we were casting for pornography, we'd have size requirements that, judging from here, I'm not certain you'd meet. Besides …" I patted him on the top of his head. " … we would also require some real-life experience."

He went rigid in the midst of his humiliation. I put my coat on just before I opened the door. Turning one last time to see how far behind me Bella was, I was just in time to see her cheeks swell with air from the laughter she fought to hold back.

Bella and I both erupted into peals of laughter after the door closed behind us.

I sighed in relief. _Good to know I can still be a little evil. I would hate to think this girl was making me lose my edge._


	34. Chapter ThirtyFour: The Wilds

**TAKE NOTE: If you're reading this somewhat close to the post date (3-19-2012) then you've probably been affected by the FFn notification system being down, and subsequently you're likely unaware that THIS IS NOT THE FIRST CHAPTER POSTED TODAY. READ CHAPTERS 32 and 33 FIRST!**

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><p><em>This story is written in the first-person point of view, and sometimes switches between characters by scene or chapter. (Please do not panic; I do not repeat each scene from various points of view.) I do not label my chapters with character names, subsequently, your key is thus: Chapter titles that are short &amp; succinct are Bella's, long witticisms are Esme's; song titles are in quotes, belonging to Edward, and Rose's are questions, finished off with an interrobang (‽).<em>

_Reminder: a couple members of my usual team may be missing occasionally because I've hastened my posting schedule and I'd therefore like to make it clear that any screw ups are entirely my own._

_The team of greatness: cookEgawd, Blackjacklily, Detochkina and MunkeeRajah._

_*double muah* to KayMarieXW_

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><p><strong>The Wilds.<strong>

Tuesday was the twentieth of December, and by the time 3pm rolled around, I was almost dead to the world. I had just completed a week and a half of final exams, and between that, the strain of the Naveen situation, and trying to keep Edward from catching on to why I was stressed-out beyond all reason, I was wiped out.

I could only complain so much; I was still alive, I hadn't had a significantly traumatizing nightmare since I started sharing my bed with Edward, and I had a good feeling about how I performed on my Differential Equations exam. I was also relieved to find that I didn't have to wrangle the Cullen clan nearly as much as I had expected. Alice had been a little preoccupied with all the new subject matter she had taken on this semester, so that left little room for sticking her nose into my business. Even better, Esme thought that the time Rose and I spent together was the result of us "bonding," and she had convinced Alice to support our burgeoning relationship as much as possible, so we didn't have to worry about dispelling any nagging suspicions from either of those two.

Actually, I had to admit that most of the suspicion around the house likely came from me. I couldn't put my finger on it, but half the time it felt like Alice and Edward were up to something. Every time I asked Edward, he did his best to assure me that I was being paranoid, and since he swore to never lie to me again, I tried to take him at his word despite my misgivings. I wasn't making much headway in my "trust Edward" initiative in the days since, but my fears were mostly assuaged when he asked me to go on what he called "a short and simple" trip with him after finals. He promised me two days of complete and utter relaxation before beginning the ordeal that would be my trip home for Christmas.

I had talked to both of my parents many times since the beginning of the semester, but this would be the first time I would have to deal with Charlie face to face since Jacob told him Edward had once again become a fixture in my life. My father had tried his hardest to avoid the subject of the Cullens altogether, but on the rare occasion when either of us slipped up, he made sure to express his distaste by way of grumbling quickly followed by an uncomfortable silence, or if he was in a particularly foul mood, he would expand his selection of passive-aggressive hostility to sarcastic remarks made under his breath. One time, I made the mistake of mentioning that Emmett was helping me with my physical therapy, and I could have sworn I heard him say something barely intelligible, somewhere along the lines of "One of those monsters is putting his hands on my baby? I'm going to have to come up there and …" I thought about asking him to repeat that a little louder, but thought the better of it. Add the fear of my father's reaction to Edward and me showing up on the doorstep for Christmas Dinner to my list of things to worry over.

I suppose that given all that was taking place, it was only natural that I would lose track of time. The first official day of Winter Break was upon me, and even though I had planned to spend an previous Saturday cleaning out my design lab space, I had never gotten around to it. Because I hadn't, I found myself in an empty MaggieMo, pouring over the huge mound of crap I had accumulated over the semester in agonizingly slow detail. Edward and Alice had plans to go Christmas shopping, and neither of them had any reason to think I needed an escort to campus, so Rose volunteered to accompany me so that I could handle my last minute tasks. She did this under the guise of wanting to grab some things from the campus bookstore, but we both knew it was for fear of an eminent attack from the nuisance that was Naveen.

As soon as we arrived on campus earlier that morning, Rose caught a whiff of Naveen's scent. She motioned for me to run to the safety of the second floor design labs, then left to follow the trail, hoping this would be her best chance yet at catching the vamp. Three hours later, I hadn't heard back from her, but I did get a call from Kevin telling me that my liquid oxygen had finally been delivered to the lab. After ending the call jumped up, pulled on my parka, zipped up my backpack, and headed into the hall. Once I closed the door to the lab space, I realized there was a problem I hadn't considered. I sat on the deep windowsill for a moment, needing time to contemplate my predicament.

Rose'll kill me if I leave here without some sort of protection. Then again, if Rose is off tracking Naveen, I shouldn't be in any danger; they're both off somewhere playing cat and mouse. Besides, I'm just walking across The Cut. It's what—five hundred feet or less? This is not a big deal, Swan. Just get it done.

With that, I ended my daydreaming about what the holiday vacation had in store for me, grabbed my pack, and headed over to Doherty Hall.

As soon as I exited the doors of MaggieMo, a sinister chill filled me. Campus was empty. Like a scene from a post-apocalyptic zombie film, I did a 360° turn around myself just to confirm that I really was alone. It wouldn't have been alarming to me had I been in a less panicked state; the school closed all student-specific facilities on the day after finals in an attempt to cut operational costs. While there was probably still a noticeable amount of activity near the dorm rooms where students were still in the process of clearing out, there was no reason to expect to see many people wandering about the academic center of campus. Still, I would have been grateful to see any signs of life besides myself, just so that I could feel less like a target. I was the only human around for at least a quarter mile in any direction, and as such, I felt like I had a huge bullseye painted on my back. I would feel much better if I had the BLEVEs made and stashed on my person.

Best not to loiter. I need to get this over with.

Fifty feet away from the building, well into the open space of the paths that criss-crossed campus, I heard the first noise. It was the _swoosh_ of air being displaced; the sound of something fast, moving within close range. I closed my eyes and heard it again, air rushing somewhere off to my right.

I'm being paranoid. Keep moving, Swan, get your butt in gear.

I opened my eyes, and picked up speed. It was hard to move quickly in the bulky, padded clothing I wore to protect myself from the chill that constantly rolled off of the city's three rivers, but if there were any time to haul ass, it was now.

Swoosh.

This time it was on my left. I was caught between two options, neither of which appealed to me: do I run and get out of the open air sooner, or keep walking at a steady pace so I don't tip off whatever is hunting me, letting them know that I'm aware of them?

What is it? It can't be Naveen, Rose would be close by ... wouldn't she?

_Whoomp._

I heard the sound of a muffled landing into a snow bank from a high fall. I walked steadily, trying to look for the source of the sound via my peripheral vision. Nothing. I picked up the pace, almost near the doors of Doherty Hall. I inched my head to the left infinitesimally. I couldn't see it, but I felt it. Something dark, inauspicious, at my back. I turned. She was standing there, motionless, mute, regarding me with an impassive countenance that chilled me beyond reason.

I'd baited James and challenged Victoria. This felt quintessentially different from both battles. They were both desperate, angry. There was emotion there to exploit. Mistakes they made because their arrogance and ire made them vulnerable to false moves. Looking at Naveen, I immediately knew this would not be a possibility. She was cold and calculating where they were sloppy and relied on instinct.

_This is just an intimidation tactic, right? _

It had to be. Otherwise I could only hope for sheer, dumb luck to save me.

We stood there, she, 50 feet away from me, both of us staring at each other. She made no move, and I was too fearful to budge. Soft white flecks began to drift down around us. We stood so long that they began to gather on my shoulders. I felt the deep ache of the beginnings of cryopathy crawl up my fingers as the cold began to freeze them.

The snow fell faster.

_This is only atmospheric water vapor, frozen into ice crystals. This feeling is only kinetic energy I interpret as cold. The temperature out here is not low enough to cause major frostbite. I can control my mind's reaction. I can wait this out._

The truth eventually bled through the lies I told myself. She could stand out here forever, and I could not. Every second would wear me down further, decreasing my chances of escaping with my life. Impatience prevailed over my fear.

"What do you want? You can't want to kill me, you need me alive to turn me in to Aro, so why are you stalking me?"

The snow was falling quickly now. I could barely make out the single corner of her mouth that turned upward; one small hint of expression on an otherwise placid face.

With still no movement from her besides the quirk of her lips, she spoke. "I don't need you alive to prove to Aro that you existed. He is a tactile telepath; the moment he touches me, he will know the truth of what I say. I have warred with myself for weeks on whether to leave you alive. I had not known Victoria for long, but I do feel I owe her this. I fear only Aro's anger if he happens to find interest in you beyond your use as a scapegoat."

_So Aro does think the Cullens are a threat. Even if I survive this, we're screwed._

The snow was no longer the only thing responsible for the chill that filled me. She continued to speak.

"The time for me to make a decision is well-nigh; this would best be done before they receive word and descend here. I do believe I have made my decision."

And that was that. I would have no opportunity to implement my plan, and my desperate desire to stand up for myself had resulted in a miscalculation that would surely end in my demise. I was just beginning to once again find felicity, and now it would be over.

_Bang!_

I heard the noise of a door slamming against the adjacent wall. From out of the doorway of the University Center stumbled a large group of students, at least ten of them, drunk and faltering in every step they took into the snowfall. They were heading straight in our direction.

I looked at Naveen. She had turned to assess the commotion. Most importantly, she was _not_ looking at _me._

_Oh, thank you, God, thank you for debaucherous after-finals parties._

I turned and ran, pumping my legs so hard, I could feel the adenosine triphosphate pump through my muscles, burning every time I landed, my hard footfalls cushioned by the soft snow. There was no time to look behind me. I bounded onto the steps and slid, the slick layers of marble hidden under the blanket of white. I crashed into the door, flat on my bottom. I heard a growl from behind me as I scrambled to get to my feet and get into the building.

_There are campus offices inside. There have to be people around, if I can just get inside._

Dormitories and food service shut down for the holiday, but staff were expected to work. Many of them opted to take their vacation time over Christmas break, but if the departmental offices were open, it may deter Naveen from ripping me open in the middle of the hallway. There was a chance—if I could get inside, maybe I could make it to the lab. If I could make it to the lab, maybe I could improvise. _Just maybe._

* * *

><p><strong>Are We There Yet‽<strong>

Shortly after I took off after the scent, I spotted her, almost two miles ahead of me. She was faster. I was a ten minute run from campus when I lost sight of her, thirty minutes away when I felt her scent fade dramatically, and fifty minutes away by the time I'd lost her scent altogether. I stood at the terminus, attempting to unriddle exactly what the game was at this point. What had happened? I knew she had the ability to stop emitting her scent, and I figured the only reason I had this trail to follow was because she had gotten lax. She screwed up. That didn't explain why her scent had suddenly become so significantly weaker halfway out.

Unless … unless it's a fucking trap.

The first half of the scent trail must have been created to catch my attention. It was fresh, and she had given me just enough of a glimpse of her to keep going. The second half of the scent trail was false—an old trail just strong enough to keep me running after it, laid to lead me out into the wilds, far from where I should have been—keeping Bella safe. Naveen had likely doubled-back, her scent markers turned off, to headed towards my ward.

_Well, Rosalie, haven't you been about as sharp as a marble._

I turned and took off at the fastest speed I could manage, so fast that I only felt the earth under my feet sporadically. The snow may as well have been a wall of water at the speeds at which I ran, but I was determined; I refused to let the force of it create drag. It wasn't going to slow me down. The entire time, my mind held a singular focus: the sincerest hope against all improbability that my fragile, mortal sister would still be alive by the time I returned.

* * *

><p><strong>To Die Trying.<strong>

I managed to throw open the door and hoist myself inside. I lost my footing once more, and slid into the middle of the lobby. Dim florescent light forced my eyes to adjust from the abundance of sun that reflected off the snow outside. I had just enough time to look at the two departmental offices on either side of me before Naveen stepped inside. There were secretaries gossiping in the one to my left, separated from us only by the glass door that allowed me to see inside. Light spilled from the door on my right. People were somewhere present; there was still a chance. I yelled to her.

"If you make a scene in front of the humans, Aro will see that, too, you know."

She took a single step towards me. I ran. The soles of my shoes slick from the melting snow and the waxed concrete floors decreasing my friction, I reached the staircase at the end of the hall in record time. I was another corridor and two floors up from where I needed to be, from where Kevin's lab was, and I still didn't know what I was going to do when I got there, but if I could keep her behind me long enough to get to the room, I could lock the heavy, reinforced steel door behind me. That must buy me _some_ amount of time, regardless of her supernatural strength.

I got to the stairwell and leaped over, landing off kilter onto the bottom step of basement level one. I slid onto my ass down to the base of the stairs, got up, and kept moving to get around the corner to enable a jump down to the next level. I heard movement behind me, I suspected she was moving a little faster now that there was less of a chance of being noticed by anyone. I leaped again. Sub-basement level one. I bolted for the end of the hall, grasping at my pockets while I ran, hoping I could retrieve my student identification card from my pocket, praying it would grant me entrance fast enough to slip inside. I heard her land at the bottom of the stairs at the same moment I screeched to a stop in front of the lab door. I swiped my card against the reader and pushed the door open. Nothing. I pushed again, waiting to hear the sound the card reader made when it gave access. Naveen was walking down the hall at a leisurely pace.

_She thinks she's trapped me. There's no hurry for her. _

I suspected soon she'd realize I was trying to access a locked room, and pick up the pace.

_Comon you fuckingjackasssonofabitch of a door! You, fucker, are the reason God created the middle finger!_

I pushed with all my strength, one final time.

_Beep._

There was nothing to act against the momentum I'd built pushing against the door, and I went flying into the room, stumbling to a stop. The door closed behind me with a sweet, quiet _click. _

My head swiveled around wildly, looking for something to distinguish the metal vat of liquid oxygen from every other similar-looking stainless steel Dewar in the room. Most of the containers had green and white, diamond-shaped hazmat signs on them, labeling them as Class 2.2 Non-Flammable Gasses. One, however, stood out with a bright yellow and black diamond and an image of the letter O in flames. OXYGEN printed on it in bold, black caps. I ran towards it, dropping my backpack at my side and fumbling to pull the large Dewar closer to me.

I heard a large clang and the horrible, daunting sound of crushing metal. I didn't look, there was no need to confirm what I was certain of: Naveen had begun to force her way in.

* * *

><p><strong>"How Late Constitutes <em>Too <em>Late‽"**

I had not felt fatigue since I was human, but I suspected the subtle dragging feeling that had washed over me had to somehow be related to how much I had pushed myself to get back to campus as quickly as possible. The moment I reached the door I said one last prayer that she would be inside, warm and comfortable, still cleaning her studio space.

Nothing.

She wasn't there, and the snow had been falling long enough that the precipitation weighed down the air molecules. It was as if snow was an eraser, leaving behind a clean slate for new scents to take over. I didn't think I would be able to pick up on Bella's scent, and I had no idea where she'd gone. Terrified, I saw no option but to try, and in the meantime I had no choice than to call the family and ask if she had gone home. I doubt it would lead to anything; Bella may have a few traits that aren't on my favorites list, but she wasn't irresponsible, and she knew how important it was to stay put. Something was wrong—I could feel it deep within.

I spoke to Esme as I ran downstairs towards the building's back doors. There had been no word from Bella. She said she'd call Alice and ask if they'd heard from Bella and get back to me. Everyone besides Alice and Edward was home. That was a dead end, and soon I would have the wrath of Edward bearing down on me. My obvious panic was the only thing that got me off the phone quickly, otherwise I was certain Esme would have held me up, demanding details.

By the time I got back outside, the snow whipped across the landscape, heavy and fast enough to be blinding to human vision. I kneeled to the ground, inhaling deeply. There were no footprints, but amazingly enough, a faint stench held fast to the air. It was the odor of fear, clear and unmistakable. Bella's signature was laced through it, and for it to have been noticeable in this weather meant that she must have been absolutely filled with terror. I pulled myself up and looked in the direction of the trail. It faced the building of the lab, and I instinctively knew that's where she'd gone.

_It can't be too late. I can't be too late. It just isn't going to end that way. I won't let it. _

I hightailed it towards Doherty.

* * *

><p><strong>"Read My MindWhite Demon Love Song"**

Alice looked up at me. "So what's the plan?"

"Can we talk about this in the car? We came out here to get the ring, and we got it, so—"

"The _story _is that we came out for Christmas gifts. If we don't come back loaded with swag, someone will know we're up to no good. Is suspicion what you want?"

I kept my eyes ahead of me. There was no need to answer obvious questions.

"So how long are you going to keep me out here?"

"I'll be finished faster if you help me find a decent case for Carlisle's future iPad."

"I'll be lucky to survive this day, won't I?" I hoped I had said it so low that she wouldn't have heard, but no luck.

"Really, Edward, your whining isn't going to make this go any faster. We're stuck walking at human speed anyway, and the Apple store is two blocks away, so you may as well just tell me what the plan is already!"

"Fine." It wasn't that I found shopping abhorrent, it was that I was uncomfortable being so far from Bella. However uncomfortable it made me, I wasn't going to admit it to Alice; she would never let it go. "I'm going to take her to Vail for a few days. It's on the way, of sorts, and she's been working feverishly; she needs a break. I think she's also extremely nervous about facing Chief Swan. Apparently, Teen Wolf let it out of the bag that we're around. Neither Bella nor I suspect her father will be pleased about it."

"Ouch."

I nodded. "So she's stressed. I'm hoping a short detour on the way to Forks will help her relax and approach the important things with a clear head."

"Like agreeing to marry you?"

"Exactly."

"Sounds like a good idea. And after that? How do you plan on proposing—oh, wait. I see it. Oh, god, Edward, it's beautiful. It's absolutely perfect. A fine idea. I must say I'm actually impressed you thought of it—I mean, it's not that you aren't capable of such things, just—"

I gently guided her by the elbow so she would not run into passerby considering she was looking into the future and not at the crowd of shoppers before us.

Suddenly she gasped, pulling away from my grasp and sending in my direction a look of extreme agitation.

"Edward! Why didn't you tell me sooner! This'll take work, and it's all _my _responsibility! A heads-up would have been nice! There are so many details I'll have to arrange, and it's not easy to get services on Christmas Eve! Now you can't blame me, we're going to be out _all _day just so I can make some headway on the things I'll need!"

She stamped her foot and twirled around in a circle as if trying to decide which direction to head in first.

"Wait, wait, let me look ahead before I change our plans—there might be a better order of operations for this."

I crossed my arms, waiting patiently for her precognition to tell us which store would be my next source of annoyance.

She dropped all seven shopping bags she held.

"Alice?"

"We have to get back to campus, Edward, and we have to get there now."

* * *

><p><strong>Kibbles and VampBits.<strong>

I stared at the silver Dewar, refusing to look towards the door and recognize how large the dent in it was getting with every passing second. I picked up my backpack and found the small gap between zipper and the section hem. I stuck two fingers in and wrenched them apart, ripping the bag open. Several of the plastic bottles I'd planned to use flew out and rolled in all directions. I grabbed the last one remaining and held it up to the Dewar to fill it, hoping I could just get enough liquid oxygen inside to throw it and douse her. If I could manage that, it might get me somewhere. Again I looked at the Dewar. There was no pour valve on it like there was on the liquid nitrogen containers I'd conducted my test with. The only mechanism on the front of this container was a gauge and a pressure release. Instead of a valve, there was a lid that unscrewed to expose an open, narrowed neck.

_What in the fresh, living hell am I going to do with this?_

The door was starting to give way.

I looked down into my bag again, all that was left were several miscellaneous items, the results of cleaning off my lab table. I saw a sliver of silver.

Kevin's nozzle.

It was the first working prototype I made before the final production version that I had submitted to him. It had been taking up precious space on my lab table, so I had decided to relocate it to my dorm room. I realized that now it might serve a new purpose; after all, the design requirements called for it to fit on exactly this type of Dewar. I yanked it out of the bag and sat it beside the bottle.

_Bam!_

The bottom right corner of the door had been kicked in. The lock was still holding. I had seconds to spare.

It took hugging the canister with my entire body to gather the force to unscrew the lid. I reached down and slammed Kevin's nozzle on top, screwing it onto the Dewar. I used my whole arm to push everything that was beside it off the table and onto the floor, then pushed it so that the overgrown steel thermos lined up perfectly with the door.

Something clicked. The sound of metal failing inside metal.

I climbed up onto the table onto my knees and positioned myself behind the bottle. On my knees, the bottle was almost as tall as I; only my face cleared the top of the nozzle. I lifted one leg, now braced against the Dewar, on one foot and one knee. I turned the nozzle to the open position.

The door swung wildly open, hit the wall, and slammed closed behind her. Her features were tense, tight. Her lips puckered and eyes narrowed. I was happy to see the sight of her agitation.

_I pissed you off? Good. Now I feel better; I have a much better chance against you now, I thought. I'd say my odds are now 1000 to 2. I'll take it. _

I flipped the switch that supplied the pressure. Light blue liquid sprayed her at a rate faster than I could have thrown a BLEVE on my best day. Her mouth opened to gasp and her arms waved backwards, as she tried to keep her balance. She took a stiff step forward, the liquid oxygen puddling underneath her. She didn't move after that. Her head tilted down to look at what was happening to her. She looked up at me and the Dewar afterwards, her eyes still searching for understanding before she uselessly clawed at her chest, hoping, I thought, to rid herself of the source of the discomfort.

She started to take another step towards me, but it was labored, clumsy, and most importantly, slow.

_Uh, ok, Swan, she's semi frozen now, but she's still going to kick your ass. What's the next step in the plan?_

There _was_ no next step. I had originally planned a solution that would cause enough pressure and friction that it would result in a blast, therefore solving the next problem. On its own, liquid oxygen wasn't flammable. Now I had no catalyst. No match. No lighter. Nothing combustible, and no explosion.

Nothing to set this bitch on fire.

But I had any of the above, the liquid oxygen would go up hot and fast.

_If I could just get a little_—

The door burst open again, this time completely knocked from all of its hinges. It blew into the room almost faster than I could track it. There was only one other person who could have caused that heavy door to move that fast.

_—friction._

"Rosalie, stop where you are!" I screamed louder than I ever had in my entire life.

She entered just when the door skidded to a stop, ten feet away from Naveen. I saw Rose halted in the doorway, frantic. The door didn't hit Naveen, but slid three feet into the puddle of oxygen that had grown underneath her feet. The metal scraped against the concrete floor, creating sparks—sparks that ignited the pool of pure, ceil-blue, liquid fuel. I jumped back behind the table as the blast flared in all directions, a hair's width away from me and my assuredly flammable parka. I couldn't see past the flames to know if Rose had been harmed.

"Rose! Rose! You okay?"

Just as I asked, the screaming began. A high-pitched wail that filled my ears over the sound of the burning room.

_That smell again. _

"Rose!"

The sweet stench of burning vampire was like having thirty chocolate tortes jammed down your throat in quick succession. I'd had my fill of it on the day James was killed, and I had no need to stick around and roast like a marshmallow while Naveen burned. My instincts forced me to turn and run away from the sound and find shelter from the smell, but my paths were blocked by three solid walls. I was trapped. The laboratory was three floors under street level, there was only one door out, and there were no windows. A wall of flame stood between me and the only route of egress.


	35. Chapter ThirtyFive: The Way It Ends‽

**TAKE NOTE: If you're reading this somewhat close to the post date (3-19-2012) then you've probably been affected by the FFn notification system being down, and subsequently you're likely unaware that THIS IS NOT THE FIRST CHAPTER POSTED TODAY. READ CHAPTERS 32, 33, and 34 FIRST!**

* * *

><p><em>This story is written in the first-person point of view, and sometimes switches between characters by scene or chapter. (Please do not panic; I do not repeat each scene from various points of view.) I do not label my chapters with character names, subsequently, your key is thus: Chapter titles that are short &amp; succinct are Bella's, long witticisms are Esme's; song titles are in quotes, belonging to Edward, and Rose's are questions, finished off with an interrobang (‽).<em>

_Reminder: a couple members of my usual team may be missing occasionally because I've hastened my posting schedule and I'd therefore like to make it clear that any screw ups are entirely my own._

_The team of greatness: cookEgawd, Blackjacklily, Detochkina and MunkeeRajah._

_*double muah* to KayMarieXW_

* * *

><p><strong>Is This the Way The World Ends, Is This is the Way The World Ends, With A Bang and A Slow Burn‽<strong>

"Rosalie—"

When I heard my name, I grabbed onto the doorframe to abort my entry into the room. I looked around, trying to assess the scene before me. The lab was a wreck, Naveen was standing in the middle of the room, stock still like she was in shock, and Bella was high on a lab table, kneeling behind a large steel canister that was almost as big as she was, arms gripped around its top as if she was a second away from hurling it at someone. I was impressed; the kid wasn't yet dead, and the look of focused determination on her face would likely rival the fiercest of Amazonian warriors. I was about to sigh in relief when—

"—stop where you are!"

Her last words were accompanied by the screech of metal against concrete, quickly followed by the loud _woosh_ of air being sucked away, into the vacuum created by the large burst of fire that suddenly filled the room.

_Oh, H-E-double … fuck._

"Bella!" I screamed as loudly as I could over the shrill cry coming from the burning vampire in front of me.

"Rose! Rose! You okay?"

Looked, but couldn't see Bella beyond the pit of fire in the middle of the room. The flames spread along the path of the pooled oxygen, which formed a north-south trail across the room, creating a solid wall of flame that effectively blocked my sight.

"Bella!" Please, please tell me you're okay. Please respond.

When I inhaled to take in the air I needed to call her name, I found the gulp I made felt _shallow_, somehow. Lacking. Some element was missing.

"Rose!" she yelled, then she coughed.

_Great, it's the fucking oxygen. How the hell else is this going to get worse? Just fucking tell me now, already, so I can get over it._

I scrambled, trying to find a place to get through the curtain of fire. I turned, trying to find the nearest extinguisher. There was one next to the door. I grabbed it and sprayed at the far corner of the fire, just hoping to make a temporary dent in it. No luck. It was like tossing a pebble into The Grand Canyon in hopes of filling it. There was no way around the prison of heat.

* * *

><p><strong>OxyCrisp.<strong>

"Rose! Where are you‽"

I heard nothing over the roar of the flames. I coughed, unable, it seemed, to catch my breath. I tried again to breathe in. Gas filled my lungs, but there was something fundamentally empty in the attempt. I still could not breathe. My hands flew to my throat.

_It's the oxygen. The blaze is burning up not only the liquid oxygen, but the rest of the oxygen in the room as well. I'm out of air. Oh, the irony— _

I was standing next to a large cylinder of oxygen, yet I was suffocating. I wasn't knowledgeable enough to know whether spraying more LOx into the room would help or accelerate the problem, and even if I did turn the nozzle back on, the Dewar was too wide for me to turn easily, so it would spray directly into the fire, where I needed it least. I had to get out of here before the fire spread to any of the other Dewars in the room. I had no idea what else was around that might be combustible. For all I knew, the whole building could blow. I stood at my full height on the left of the LOx Dewar, and took one, last, lacking breath. I was about to cover my head in my parka, and tumble through the wall.

A dozen third-degree burns wouldn't be worse than death, right?

I prepared myself to stop, drop, and roll.

* * *

><p><strong>How Flammable is Your Average Vampire‽<strong>

"Rose! Where are you‽"

"Damnit, Bella, stop yelling! Save your goddamned air!"

I saw the last erect part of Naveen's frame fall to its side onto the floor. In another second it would be nothing but ashes. I tried to make a quick mental note that perhaps we needed to keep some of this liquid oxygen stuff around for the next time we had to dispose of a threat—it burned at an amazing rate.

I reconfirmed that I had no choice than to go through the flame if I was going to get to Bella. I wasn't certain how well vampires recovered from fire damage, or even _if _we did, and I didn't really have the time to consider it further. My priority was to figure out a way to get her back through the fire unscathed. I turned back towards the extinguisher box. The answer was staring me right in the face. I grabbed my solution and ran headlong into the inferno.

* * *

><p><strong>Sensate.<strong>

I leaped. I expected burning and scorching. The twisting manipulation and ruination of my skin and the flesh underneath. While I did feel heat, pressure, and the ripping of the last remaining air from my lungs, it was not accompanied by a torturous singe. Instead, the most jarring sensation was the feel of a soft landing into a pale beige cocoon, followed by the perception of being whisked off, away from the all-consuming inflagration.

* * *

><p><strong>May I Go Home Now‽<strong>

It had all happened so quickly that even I could not account for every nanosecond. The moment I dashed into the flames, I saw Bella leap in my direction. I opened my arms and jumped forward to catch her in the fire blanket I held wide. As soon as I felt I had her securely, I turned back towards the fire and ran through, then threw us both to the hallway floor, rolling furiously to put out the flames that clung to us both. My hands were patting down her hair, trying to stamp out the last of the fire. We stopped rolling, and the silent stillness in the air unnerved me. I saw there was one part of Bella that I didn't manage to surround with the fire-retardant blanket.

_Her arm. Oh, god, her arm. _

I grabbed her left arm as gently as I could and lifted it to look for damage. Nothing. There wasn't a single burn, just smooth pale skin and that weird arm-bracelet thing Edward gave her for her birthday. I couldn't determine whether I actually did get her arm within the fire blanket or if I'd moved so quickly that the fire didn't burn her, but something told me it was neither. I didn't have time to contemplate it longer; I took the rest of the moment to close my eyes and relax my muscles. I didn't have long to revel in our success—the fire was still roaring inside the lab, so we needed to get out of here. Bella and I were tangled in each other, the fire blanket woven in-between us. Her hands were still wrapped around me, but her hold had gone limp.

"Bella?"

No response.

"Bella!" I shook her.

All was still quiet, her heartbeat faint.

"If you die, I'm going to find my way into hell just to find you, resurrect you, and kill you again with my own bare hands. Wake the hell up, Bella!"

A loud, desperate gasp for air came from deep within her chest. I pushed myself off of her to give her much needed space, and cradled her head under my hands.

"Mmm …" She managed a few more noises, followed by a hard cough.

"That's it! Breathe!"

She opened her mouth wide, and as soon as her lungs reached out to grab a hold of the stale oxygen in the second sub-basement hallway, two things happened. First, the building's antiquated sprinkler system finally activated, showering us with a hard, cold spray of water. Next, I heard the whole herd of Cullen feet advancing towards us. I saw them descend one by one, faces filled with fear as they each jumped the last staircase, each landing with a bounce that instantly continued into a run.

I tried to shield Bella's mouth from the water so that she could catch her breath, ignoring the chorus of "Rose! What happened!" and "How can we help?" that came from the clan. Although I ignored the cacophony to concentrate on Bella, I couldn't help but notice that the angry Edward wrath I expected to hear was absent from the shouting. I suspected his voice was paralyzed by fear.

I began to coax her, hoping she would make a sound before Edward recovered from his shock and proceeded rip my head off. "Comon, Bella! Talk to me, babe. You can do it. Show that bitch who won."

The hall had gone quiet now, even the sound of the fire diminished. Edward moved to stand directly beside Bella, but did not touch her for fear of doing more harm than good.

"Mmm. Rose?" She coughed, one of her hands grabbing at my back. "Rose, you there? You okay?"

"I'm here, kiddo. We're both going to be fine."

Edward exhaled audibly, a faint cry of relief escaping from him that made me want to cry. As much as I cared for each member of my family, and as much as I wanted Bella to be well, I could only imagine how much worse I would feel if this was a mortal Emmett laying prostrate before me, struggling to keep his brain alive, his blood pumping—his air flowing. I was brought out of my contemplation by the smile that slowly curved Bella's lips.

"Yeah, we won, didn't we?"

"Not 'we.' It was all you, babe."

While everyone but Edward had remained several feet away, Carlisle took a couple steps towards us. He kneeled beside the three of us, then gently pulled my hair out of my face and rested his hand on my back.

"Rosalie, darling, please, tell us what has happened here."

As much relief as I felt at the knowledge that Bella would be fine and the immediate threat had been eliminated, I couldn't help but wonder if this really was the end of things. I hadn't gotten the chance to interrogate Naveen as I'd hoped, and the whole situation weighed on me, so my voice was heavy with worry when I answered Carlisle.

"Dad, it's time to break out the cigars. Bella just killed her first vampire."


	36. Chapter ThirtySix:What the Water Gave Me

**Hello, my lovelies. **

**I apologize for the long absence. I'm sure you all know how it goes; life throws you for a loop ... and that morphs into a never-ending downward spiral and before you know it you're in a back alley doing dirty deeds, done dirt cheap. **

**Wait. Didn't happen to you? Me neither. Ok then. On with the show.**

**I'm finally working through my edits of these later chapters, and again I apologize for disappearing. I will thank my lovely betas and pre-readers as is customary, but I'd like to take some time out to give special mention to the readers that very politely poked and prodded. Even in the midst of my self-centered depressive acts, it was nice to be reminded that there are some who still believe in me. So specific gratitude and bows go to JordynnEm, VeThena, and MissJanuary, and the patient-and-always-kind-and-REALLY-never-gave-up-on-my-lazy-ass mention goes to the wonderful **DutchGirl01. Though I may have been a prat over the past year, know that I did hear the message and I did appreciate it. ****

_This story is written in the first-person point of view, and sometimes switches between characters by scene or chapter. (Please do not panic; I do not repeat each scene from various points of view.) I do not label my chapters with character names, subsequently, your key is thus: Chapter titles that are short & succinct are Bella's, long witticisms are Esme's; song titles are in quotes, belonging to Edward, and Rose's are questions, finished off with an interrobang (‽)._

_Reminder: a couple members of my usual team may be missing occasionally because I've hastened my posting schedule and I'd therefore like to make it clear that any screw ups are entirely my own._

_The team of greatness: cookEgawd, Blackjacklily, Detochkina and MunkeeRajah._

_*double muah* to KayMarieXW_

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><p><strong>Chapter Thirty-Six: "What the Water Gave Me"<strong>

Hours later, after my siblings spirited Bella away from the scene, after the fire trucks had gone and long after we finished spinning our thrall-enhanced tale to both campus and city police officers, I found myself locked down onto Bella's beloved black leather chaise back at the house. It took Rose two hours to get through the story of how things had gotten to the point they had, and throughout the whole time Esme and Carlisle held me down onto the chaise with loving but firm grips that I could have sworn were superglued to my shoulders. They didn't understand that in spite of my visible anger, there was no need to worry about the possibility of my temper exploding. My fear overrode my anger, and even if it had not, the last thing I wanted to do was disturb Bella. She was sleeping deeply in her bed, only a few feet away from us. I was not incredibly keen on having the particular conversation at hand in her room, but the alternative was unacceptable: I would not leave her side until I was one hundred percent certain that every part of her was fine—aside from her singed hair.

I could hear the unelaborated plea in Rose's voice as she spoke, but even if I had not been able to grasp her subtle begging, I could not have missed what crossed her mind.

_Please, Edward, don't kill me. I was_ _trying to help. I tried to do what she wished, and considering our track record with taking her wants into consideration, well, can you really blame me?_

_Yes, yes, I can._

Regardless, I tried to keep as stoic an expression on my face as possible. Unfortunately, every time I began to relax, Rose would get to a new point in the story where she reveal yet another happening that I _should _have been informed of. Some detail that put my love in danger; it made my muscles tense and anger flare. Carlisle and Esme would clamp down a little harder each time.

When she finally finished, all heads turned to look at me. I said nothing.

"Well then." Esme began to stroke my arm in her attempt to comfort me. Even my ingenious mother could think of nothing to say in response to what had transpired today. It did not matter. They did not yet realize that I had placed the blame squarely on my own shoulders.

I closed my eyes trying to recall every single domineering thing I had ever done. "Am I that bad, Rosalie? Have I been so horrible that she did not feel she could tell me she was in danger? Was she afraid of my reaction? Was it fear that I would leave her, or did she suspect my methods of protection would be overbearing?"

"Both, I think." Rose started to visibly relax until I shot her a still-angry glance. Emmett stroked her back while she spoke, busy in his attempt to calm his mate. She went on.

"—But it's more than that. And it's not like she thinks you're horrible for trying to protect her. She didn't even want me involved, really. We kinda forced ourselves back into her life and immediately took the role of protectors, and she didn't like it. Didn't want it. I understand where she's coming from, actually. She'd managed, what, three years without us? Then here we come acting like we're the only solution to the pain-in-the-ass that was Victoria. She wanted to prove that she could take care of herself. She _needed_ to prove it."

Though Rosalie looked at me, the rest of what she wanted to say remained unspoken. I closed my eyes in acknowledgement to the message she was sending.

Alice whispered from where she sat on the bed, her arms curled around a still sleeping Bella. "Jeez, Bella. You lived after slamming straight into a whole heap of rock, and you've managed to survive being around us and our screw-ups for far longer than anyone should have reasonably expected. None of us ever thought you were weak. I don't know if I've ever met anyone stronger, I swear it."

Jasper shrugged. "I can't say the plan was foolproof, but we've gotta give her credit: she did manage to get rid of the problem, even if she did nearly burn a building down in the process."

"Oh, la mia pace, don't exaggerate so." Esme smirked at Jasper. "Though I must say that we should be thankful; this could have gone a lot worse, indeed."

Carlisle wasn't much more pleased than I at today's turn of events. He released his hold on me and spoke with a stern note underlying his words. "I, however, think we still have a lot to discuss as a family regarding any lasting repercussions that we might face from this. Bella, naturally, should be included, so I will wait until she is awake and ready."

Esme squeezed me in a gentle side-hug before standing and addressing the whole of us. "Well. With that, I think all that needs to be said for now has been said. Let's leave Bella to rest."

She nodded at me before walking out, her subtle way of letting me know she had no expectation that I would follow them. I took Alice's place beside Bella. I lay beside her for a long time, listening to the sound of her breathing and waiting to catch the slightest hint of a hitch or delay. Checking to make certain her heartbeat was steady and strong. I never thought anything could make me want to accelerate time to the day I would have to turn her, but now I knew better. As indestructible as I might have been, she was my kryptonite. She had been in danger yet again, and I absolutely would not allow the possibility to occur one more time.

Bella began to stir and soon thereafter, her eyes stared up at the ceiling, her expression blank. I waited for her first words.

"Before I ask this question I want you to note that I'm still breathing.

"The question, then?"

"Are you mad at me?"

A laugh escaped me. "Yes, but it hardly matters."

Did she not realize that the only thing of importance to me at this point was that she was here, alive and whole?

"Are you angry with Rose?"

"Absolutely. Again, that is not what matters. How do you feel?"

She patted herself down, but did not fret until she felt the top of her head.

"Yes, love; Alice is ready to give you a haircut of your choice when you're ready to head downstairs."

She tried to pull the covers up over her head, but I could still hear her muffled words with perfect clarity.

"How bad is it?"

"Not that bad, I promise. Besides, your hair is—also—not what matters." I yanked the covers back down so I could see her face.

I wasn't certain what had occurred to her then, but her right arm grabbed at her left in a desperate attempt to check that it was still there.

"Bella—?"

"My arm. It should be burned. I—I jumped into the fire, and I couldn't keep it covered; my jacket slipped, and I couldn't—how ..."

Her fingers fumbled until they reached the armlet.

"No way," she whispered.

"What?"

"You think that perhaps this thing I never got a chance to ... talk to you about ... actually saved me from injury?" She pointed to the armlet.

I should have asked what it was that we needed to discuss in regards to the armlet, but I refused to ask stupid questions, especially when I already knew the answer. I wasn't in the mood to haggle over the propriety of expensive gifts.

"I have no idea. I would, however, suggest you keep it on. Better safe than sorry, no?"

"I guess so." She looked as if she were in a state of shock. I pulled her closer, and it seemed to have brought her out of her daze. She gasped loudly.

"I'm ... alive, aren't I?"

"Yes, you are." Something inside me wanted to prove it. I needed to feel her, my fingers trying to reaffirm that she was, indeed, here and sans any major damage. I began to pull her into what I intended to be a deep, long, passionate kiss, but she pulled back.

"Oh gawd, what time is it? What _day _is it?"

"It's Tuesday evening. Why?"

"I have to pack! I was too busy and I slacked and I didn't pack and don't we leave in the morning? Oh no, I have no idea what I'm going to bring and—"

"Bella."

"—I need Alice up here. Wait. No I don't. She'll just pack a whole bunch of skimpy stuff and I'll have nothing to wear around my dad—"

"Bella!"

"—huh?"

"Let's think back on today's events, shall we? Attack, fire, burning, hard slam to the floor. Any of that ringing a bell? Don't you think you need some rest? I'll re-book our flights for later this week, we can go straight to Forks, and we'll leave our side-trip for another time."

"Edward, you'll do no such thing. This is the only thing I've been looking forward to for weeks, and if you cancel, I'll end up doing nothing but agonizing over the tongue-lashing I expect to get from Charlie the moment I walk through the door. So either help me pack or go get Alice—please."

She climbed over me and out of the bed. As much as I wanted to protest, it had not escaped me that postponing the trip might also delay my own plans. If we remained here in Pennsylvania, Alice would have a harder time finishing the tasks necessary to pull things off seamlessly, and I might never hear the end of her whining about it. Still, I could not let her jump directly back into any truly strenuous activity after all that had happened.

"Bella, please. Let's make a deal. You get back in bed, tell me what to pack for you, and I won't make any calls to the airline."

She turned around from her open set of dresser drawers. "I don't even know what to pack, considering you won't tell me where we're going. Anyway, I feel perfectly all right_._ I just got plenty of rest, and it's not as if packing is much of a physically taxing thing to do—"

I held up my cell phone and pressed a button that caused it to light up and await the entry of whatever number I chose. I made sure the phone was pointed towards her so that she could hear the loud beep that accompanied the first number I pressed. "I am not ignoring you here. I believe I've offered a fair compromise. Work _with_ me, love."

"Fine." She nearly spat it, but she stopped tossing clothes all over the floor. "As long as I'm somewhere beautiful and relaxing by this time tomorrow."

I stood and motioned to the bed, making it clear she was to get back under the covers. She had to walk up to me in order to pass and climb back into the bed, and when her proximity allowed me a glimpse into her eyes, what I found there betrayed her recalcitrance. I saw uncertainty. I saw fear.

I reached out and pulled her close.

"Come to me, love. Am I upset? Yes. I am disappointed that you did not share with me these things you were afraid of. I am saddened that you did not trust me to act reasonably, and I am certainly not pleased that you felt you had something, anything, to prove to me. I, more than anyone else, know something of what it must have felt like for you over the years. Only I have an idea just how much hurt you felt. You have nothing to prove. I am absolutely livid that your life was in danger yet again. But mostly I am ... grateful. Completely and joyously grateful that you are fine. So whatever it is you feel right now, let it go."

I kissed her on the forehead. "Let it go."

I could feel her muscles relax between my hands, which were lightly curled around her forearms. I kissed her again before I swept her up to place her on the plush sheets.

"Edward?"

"Yes, love?"

"I'm gonna make it through my last semester, right? I mean, you can't miss the fact that the opportunity for some serious irony is ripe, you know? Survive multiple vampires, angry bears, slamming into ragged rock, all to manage to fall into some nefarious trap right before I'm supposed to be turned."

I had begun packing her favorite CMU sweatshirts into her suitcase, and I refused to turn around; I would not risk her being able to see the tortured expression that crossed my face. I thought about what I wanted to say, and immediately realized it was exactly the wrong thing. My mindset had reverted for a moment:

The six months that followed would be an exercise in how not to let her out of my sight without her knowing I was giving her no space. I knew that would be the only way I could guarantee the statement I wanted so assuredly to make to her: _Nothing on this earth will take you from me, Bella. I swear it._

That, however, was not what I said. I came to my senses, for I had learned a lot earlier that day. For all of Bella's strength and for all her determination to show me said strength, she was tired. Both the act and the need for it had drained her. What she needed now was proof that I saw what she had done, and that I understood. What was needed was an assurance that we were in this together, and that I was her partner. I had finally understood.

"_We_ will all do our parts to make sure that doesn't happen. That includes you informing us all of any threats and not taking any unnecessary risks. That includes my listening to what you have to say and how you think we should approach things. We will figure this out together, and together, nothing will get past us, I promise you."

"Okay." She yawned. Her words came out rather drowsily for someone that had so soon before claimed to not need any rest. For all of gravitas I used for my grand vow, she was really too fatigued to really grasp most of it. My head drooped and I sighed, hardly able to believe my poor timing.

Bella managed to hold her eyelids open for a final moment . "Are we going somewhere warm? Do I need a snorkel? Pack a snorkel if I need one. Wait, you wouldn't have a snorkel around; I mean, I'm the only one around here that needs to breathe ... well, what about snowshoes? Oh, and don't forget ..." Her voice faded into silence, but I clearly heard the sound of her slowing heartbeat and the steady, quiet breathing that told me she had fallen asleep.

Five minutes later, while deep in sleep:

"Yeah. No snorkel. Stupid idea. But hey, Alice, make sure you pack my ..."

A very long pause followed, during which I stood stock-still, waiting to find if she would continue. I didn't want to miss anything she felt she needed to bring.

"... my prettiest underwear, mmkay? Not butt floss, but pretty. I'm gonna seduce Edward even if it kills me."

I had to honor her wishes. I had no right to do otherwise, regardless of my gut reaction to the idea of her seducing me. I still shuddered to think of following through on the task itself, however, so I made a note to ask Alice to pack any delicate or feminine items once I was done.

It made me wonder if there was yet another epiphany I had not yet had. So many times I had asked Bella to trust me, trust my ability to protect her, asked her to wholeheartedly believe the decisions I made for her and for the both of us were all for the best. Had I ever returned the sentiment in kind? Had I ever trusted her judgement? Perhaps it was truly that simple. I would place my faith in her conviction, and I would stop doubting her strength.

All of these lofty goals were easier said than done. I knew then that it would be the longest two-day trip ever.


	37. An Update

Hi guys! Sorry if I'm disappointing you by making you think this is a fresh chapter, but this is necessary - it's a bit of an explainer and update.

So I didn't lie, the story IS finished and has been for quite a while, but the problem is that there are some major tense continuity issues that need to be fixed in editing, and I haven't done it because I've been highly distracted. I kinda, like, well, got pregnant and had a baby and have been putting 450% of my effort into raising said crotch fruit. (He's the best-est, prettiest, smartest, most adorable miniature human ever, I swear!) Soooo, all that said, I've still had the fix on my mind, but on those rare occasions where I get a chance to work on the fic I end up doing unimportant stuff like SLEEPING, EATING, MORE SLEEPING (i'm up to 4 hours a night!) …

So I'm writing this because I need a favor. In order to get this done I'm going to need you guys to stay on my a$$. Seriously. Message me. Cuss me out. Love on me. I don't care which, just keep the fact that I need to get this done fresh in my brain. I'd appreciate it, my human alarm clock friends.

I love you all and miss chatting with you on the regular!  
>-Ubergeekness<p> 


	38. Chapter 37: The Circle Married the Line

**Okay folks. Getting back into the swing of things as much as I can. I can't guarantee a particular schedule, I'm posting as soon as I can ****crank out the editing. That said, that this is happening at all is because of you, my lovelies! Your prodding is helping to keep this at the forefront of my skull, and I thank you all again for your support. I'm also enjoying reading your own little tidbits about child-rearing. Y'all crack me the fark up!**

_This story is written in the first-person point of via, and sometimes switches between characters by scene or chapter. (Please do not panic; I do not repeat each scene from various points of view.) I do not label my chapters with character names. Subsequently, your key is thus: chapter titles that are short and succinct are Bella's. Long witticisms are Esme's, song titles are in quotes and belong to Edward, and Rose's are questions, finished off with an interrobang. __It's been a while, so members of my team are either unavailable or I've decided not to bother them for a while until I'm totally back on track, so let me make it clear that any screw ups are entirely my own and not those of any of my past or present beta team. _

_Thanks to cookEgawd for his usual awesomeness._

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><p><strong>Chapter Thirty-Seven: The Circle Married The Line.<strong>

Twenty four hours after my laboratory adventure, I was bundled in more clothes than I had ever before worn at one time, standing at the top of a ski slope, wondering why there hadn't been enough time for him to take me to Fiji instead. I was initially appreciative when the plane landed and I had stepped into a wonderland of snow, but now, in high altitude, low oxygen, and freezing digits in spite of gloves the thickness of a brick wall, I was wondering how the hell I got here.

"Edward, are you crazy? What made you let me talk you into taking me to ski lessons? Why did I think this was a great idea again? This is a horrible plan. _Look at that downhill. _Who in their right mind labeled this a bunny slope?"

Whomever came up with the idea of strapping two slabs of wood to their feet and sliding down a long, steep, snow and tree covered mountain was stupid. No way around it, it was just plain stupid.

Edward laughed. He actually laughed at me in the midst of my abject fear.

"You've been talking about learning to ski ever since you saw the sign at the airport that told you where our destination would be. This is _not_ my fault. We could be sitting in front of a fire and I could be feeding you marshmallows and hot chocolate right now, but you wanted to do this, so I suggest you get going, love. I'll be right behind you, I promise."

"Miss Swan? Miss Swan! Point your feet that way—no, no, like this, remember?" The name tag of my ski instructor read "Hi, I'm Dagbjørg, and I'm from Norway!" Poor Dagbjørg was doing all she could to not give up on me.

I was beginning to regret making the decision to hire an instructor. Edward could have taught me, but every time he got near, I felt the sudden urge to strip. Obviously, this was not such a bright idea given the 20° temperatures. I scowled at Dabgo—Dagboor. Ahem. Dagbjørg. I didn't think she should be teaching anyone to friggin' ski. Just from her name I knew that she was probably born somewhere in the backwoods of Nord-Trøndelag with a pair of skis strapped to her feet fresh out of the womb. Hell, she probably had to ski to and from kindergarten each day. Those types had no business trying to teach people, as they themselves had never learned, they had been born with the innate ability to do this, and had no business trying to help the hopelessly and mercilessly uncoordinated. I began to wonder if there was a Special Education class for the ski students who just couldn't get the hang of it, when I felt a gentle nudge set me in motion down the slope. That was all it took. Shortly thereafter, my brain made an important connection.

_You, my dear, are sliding down the side of a mountain. The act, in itself, is fraught with peril. You could break a limb—again. You could hit a tree. You could trip and roll down the face of the mountain until you become a human snowball. Okay, not really, but the point is that you, silly rabbit, love danger. This is, for all intents and purposes, dangerous. Why aren't you having a blast?_

It did the trick. I spent the rest of the day on an adrenaline high, and Edward spent most of the afternoon talking me out of launching myself onto a Black Diamond-level slope. By the time we got back to the rented cottage Edward and I had entirely to ourselves, I was completely blissful, and totally exhausted. I knew my face must have been expressive, because he looked up at me with a raised brow as I stiffly moved to sit across from him at the dining room table.

"What's wrong, love?"

"I'm just ... a bit stiff. Going to be a bunch stiff in the morning."

"Given the fast onset in your case of DOMS, I'd concur. It's going to be tough for you."

"DOMS?"

"Delayed onset muscle soreness. It's the technical term for your stiffness, only yours doesn't seem to be so delayed. There are some things we can do to help you, though."

"Yeah? Such as?"

"There's a steam room somewhere around here. Put on your bathing suit and jump in. When you get out, we'll get you a massage. It will help your muscles if you can stretch them out a little."

"Sounds like a plan." _Actually, the second part sounds like a really friggin awesome plan, if you ask me._

I wasn't really too keen on saunas; I always felt like the breath was being sucked out of me, and the concept of trying to relax in a hundred and ten degree room made no sense, but I was willing to do anything if it would save me from misery tomorrow. Besides, we had both pledged to sit around and do absolutely nothing but relax on our last day before heading out to Forks, and I was rather looking forward to the idea of doing exactly that: _nothing. _After the semester I'd had, even the _word_ "nothing" had a calming vibe to it.

Half an hour later I escaped the sauna, sans swimsuit. I was hoping that my "oops" moment might trigger other things. Good things. Lustful things. I was sorely disappointed. Edward walked down the hall holding a thick, white resort robe in front of his face, which he promptly draped over me. The small part of me that held out hope prayed we were making our way towards the bedroom for my promised massage, but instead I was led to a tiny room at the top of a partial staircase. I noticed it was there during my initial tour of the cabin, but the door was closed, and at that time I hadn't bothered to look inside it.

I took one step in and was amazed. Candlelit with soft, relaxing instrumental music playing from an invisible source, a nicely heated room with just the right humidity, and a massage table in the center, currently sprinkled with rose petals. The cabin had a fully decked out, designated massage room. What else could I have missed in this place? Just as I began to get incredibly excited about stripping and having my muscles beat into submission, I heard a voice from the corner of the room, the speaker hidden by the open door I hadn't yet walked completely past.

"Good evening, Miss Swan. I'm going to step out for a minute to allow you to undress. Please get under the covers, and I'll be back in a minute."

I wish I had been able to hide my disappointment better, but I couldn't; my shoulders drooped and I threw my head back to glare up at God, in utter annoyance that I wasn't going to get my much anticipated Edward-massage.

That having been said, I must admit that an hour and a half later, "Pire from Chile" had convinced me there was an upside to my predicament. The massage was so good, in fact, that I fell asleep on the table. I woke up to the most potent and direct rays of the western morning sun around 6 am the next day, comfortably in our bed, bare, soft and supple from the massage oils, and wrapped snugly in sheets.

Plan "Get Bella Laid" was failing, and miserably so. My insistence on having a downhill ski adventure the day before, while resulting in the best massage on the face of the planet, ruined my opportunity to lure Edward into bed. Our "Day 2" plan to sit around and stare at pretty things wasn't working out too well, either. It ended up taking me two hours just to decide where to eat lunch. Trust me, it would be a problem for anyone considering there were so many options to choose from and considering I had just come off of several months of campus cafeteria food.

Afternoon was fast passing, and Edward insisted I allow him to take me out somewhere nice for an early dinner.

"But Edward, I didn't bring anything fancy to wear."

He pointed to a garment bag hanging in the closet beside me.

"What's that?" I stared at the bag with a mixture of curiosity and fear.

"Your attire for the evening. It may make you less trepidatious to know Rosalie picked it out, not Alice."

"Less trepidation, sure. Far more weirded out now, though."

"I certainly do not plan on making you uncomfortable in any way, especially during what is supposed to be your momentary respite, so if you don't like what you see, I'll order you pizza and we will stay in for the evening. Whatever makes you happy."

The idea of some poor pizza guy having to snowmobile over here to the outskirts of the resort made me think twice about the backup plan, but just having the option relaxed me somewhat, giving me just enough courage to walk over and unzip the bag. What I found stunned me. A fitted, strapless bust and an A-line skirt was a simple silhouette, but it was the tiny details that made it astounding. Silver from top to bottom, a sparkling applique winded its way across and down the top of the gown in a crystal formation that, when viewed as a whole, were positioned to give the illusion of a cluster of delicate snowflakes cradling my bosom. It immediately reminded me that I didn't have that much of a bosom to begin with, but when I began to maneuver it off the hanger I saw that the internal structure of the gown was designed to present what I had in the most flattering way possible.

_Wow, Rose, consider me impressed. _

As much as I was normally hesitant to succumb to such fanfare, the moment I saw that dress, I couldn't wait to put it on. I had come to recognize that sometimes a piece of clothing can have the same effect as any of the design pieces I was most proud of: just holding the finished product, or in this case, wearing it, had the power to make me feel transcendent. Even the ugliest duckling would become a swan in that dress, and I knew it.

It is, after all, my last name. _Hell yeah_.

I would be the attention stealing ice princess in that dress, and I would be damned if I didn't get that man to peel me out of it at the end of the night.

I remembered Edward was still in the room, and finally noticed that he was leaning against the wall, arms crossed and staring at me. I could have sworn I saw a grin form on his lips before he turned away from me, forcing me to guess at whether it was truly a grin or not. He grabbed a second garment bag from the other side of the closet and began to walk out of the room.

"And just where are you going?" I tried to block him with my body, annoyed that I had been so obvious with my approval of the dress. It felt as if I were betraying my nature by being excited over the prospect of wearing a dress.

"Going to get dressed. Meet you in the foyer in twenty?" He kissed me on the cheek, a lame attempt at distracting me so he wouldn't have to push me out of the way. I could tell it was getting harder for him to hide the grin I suspected he wanted to display; he knew better.

"I don't have vampiric speed, you know. Try forty. Do we have reservations for a specific time?"

"They will serve us whenever we get there, so forty minutes will be fine."

He kissed me on the forehead before he walked out. I was left to wonder what kind of formal restaurant didn't require reservations, but I was quickly distracted by the sight of the sparkly silver gown again. Even with the gown entrancing me, the idea of having to adorn all the accoutrements that came along with wearing a gown made me hesitant. My next thought that flickered across my mind, however, was an image of Edward in a sharp, crisp suit.

_Any downside to this situation will be well worth it._

* * *

><p><strong>Cupcakes.<strong>

What met me in the foyer was pure perfection. Standing tall in an understated tuxedo, gunmetal shirt and black tie, there was nothing in the world that could have pried my eyes away from that man until I'd had enough eye-candy to sustain me until we returned to the cabin. Judging by the way his eyes roamed the length of my body, I assumed the ice princess dress was performing its own brand of magic on my proportions. I'd suddenly gained curves I knew I hadn't had forty minutes before. I wasn't sure I would ever want to take it off.

I had no idea what to expect, but it didn't matter. There was no way to imagine what I would be walking into that night. We had to take an escorted sno-cat ride to our destination, which was quite literally 10,840 feet up from sea level, and right on the side of a mountain.

"Edward, it's half past four. Five is when it starts getting busy for restaurants, right? And we don't have a reservation. Are you sure there will be room?"

"Relax, love. All will be fine."

"What is it you're not telling me, Edward?"

"Nothing that has any bearing on whether or not we will have a wonderful, enjoyable evening."

"You really think I'm just going to accept that line?"

"No, but I figured it was worth a try."

I thought I saw a hint of a devious, twisted smile in the shadow that hid him.

I tried to ball my fists and place them on my hips as a warning, but there wasn't the room for it. I had to settle for an unimpressive glower.

"Really, Bella, is it so wrong that I want you to experience exceptional places and events?" He leaned over to whisper in my ear. "We may be around for a long while, but places change in the blink of an eye. I want you to see these unique things whenever we can possibly squeeze them into the schedule. Besides, I've discovered that the task of finding these places is kind of fun."

"I'm not complaining, per se, it's just that I do get somewhat uncomfortable when these forays of yours cost obscene amounts of money." I nudged him in the arm. "Didn't anyone ever tell you there are starving children in the world?"

"I'll promise you that for every dollar I spend on you, I will donate at least five to charity. Would that make you happy?"

"Better, yes. I can't guarantee I won't freak if I find out you've done something completely outrageous though. You may as well tell me in advance so I can prepare myself for wherever it is we're going."

"Tonight isn't anything too grandiose, I assure you. My goal tonight was only good food for you in a beautiful, semi-private setting. We're having dinner at a private club near the top of the mountain. It's in a beautiful location and is rumored to have excellent cuisine; the menu focuses on sustainable, seasonable, local ingredients, and game."

I smirked. "How long did it take you to memorize that spiel? Rhetorical question; don't bother answering."

"Well, I do appreciate sustainability, you know, even if I have no taste for the ... preparation. After all, the fewer irreplaceable game slaughtered, the more left for me." He laughed, and we continued our relaxed, happy banter on the trip further up the mountain. Even in the shade of the sno-cat's interior, I could see his wide, bright smile. It was the one thing that kept me distracted during the less-than-smooth ride to whatever super-secret-bat-cave-restaurant we were headed to.

"So what's the catch, cupcake?"

"Cupcake?" His brows raised, expressing the curiosity that may have completely derailed my scheme to get him to reveal what the big deal about our destination.

"Yeap. You don't mind it, do you? I mean, you call me 'love' all the time, and you don't like your name shortened. I need my own term of endearment for you."

"You can call me whatever you like, love, I just want to know why you chose 'cupcake.'"

I fought to keep from blushing. "Aww, that's not really important." I turned to look out the window, hoping he'd drop it.

"Come on, Bella, tell me. Please?" He leaned closer and kissed my temple.

If he keeps doing that, I'll never answer. I'll be lost in my own little happy place.

I grabbed my bottom lip with my teeth, and did my best to mumble my answer so that it would be completely incoherent. "Becuz ..."

"Because, what?"

"Because ... like a cupcake, every time I look at you ... I want to eat you."

I'd guessed my news wasn't any big secret, but it was still embarrassing to say it aloud. The past few years of life had drained me of the ability to give-a-fuck about many things. I suppose it was this I could thank for the ease in which I could share my opinions, display my bitter indignation, and put glimpses of my sexual frustration on display. It did not, however, mean I was totally absolved of my propensity for shyness, and the character trait would still manage to hit me in full force the second I overstepped my mental filter's bounds.

He turned me towards him and pressed up against me, snuggling his face into the crook of my neck. "In that case, you can call me cupcake all you want. Every other word, if it so pleases you. I'll never mind being reminded of this new bit of information."

An abrupt bump and loud noise that occurred as we crossed over a dangerous-looking chasm in the snowpack jerked us out of our intimate moment.

"Back to the previous subject." I said. "What's the catch? You know, the part about this place you don't want to tell me. And don't beat around the bush; you already know what part that might be."

"Well, like I said, it's a private club, and exclusivity ... costs. In this case, membership is restricted to 395 persons." He kissed me right below my ear. "Cost of membership notwithstanding, dinner itself is free and we can drop in as often as we wish. The timing was somewhat serendipitous. Normally there is a lengthy waiting list to join, but with the economy being what it is ..."

I saw lights in the distance and felt relief that we were getting close. The bumpy trip up the mountain was making me nauseated. With little time left to dig, I figured I needed to hone in on the most relevant clue I had been given so far. "Membership dues, then. How much were they, exactly?"

"Well dues are different—they're paid yearly. If you must know, they're about $2,500 a year."

If I had been drinking anything, it would have just gotten sprayed across the room. Having no nearby source of liquid, my mouth went dry instead. Assuming there weren't any plans I didn't know about, given how many times we were scheduled to come back, it meant he had paid $2,500 for a single dinner—a dinner for one. Then it occurred to me that he still hadn't answered the original question.

"You still haven't told me how much it cost to get in."

"I didn't? Oh. Somewhere around fifty."

"Fifty? Why would it cost less to get in than it would—" Apparently, I could be really dense sometimes.

"Edward. Please tell me you didn't spend fifty-two thousand, five hundred dollars for me to have dinner at the top of a mountain."

His look grew sheepish. "The chef has three Michelin stars, I hear they have their own farm nearby where they raise and slaughter their own Wagyū beef. The wines are direct from the Rothschild estate ..."

Each proclamation begged to hear my approval in response, but he wasn't gonna get it.

"You don't really care about any of this, do you?"

I tried to give him the most innocent look I could manage. The truth was that I didn't think I was enough of a foodie to appreciate much of any of it. As long as it didn't taste like dog food, I'd be happy. I really didn't know what much of the things he said meant, anyway. At this point, I only wanted to know one thing.

"Do they have coffee? I'm going to be freezing by the time we get there, and I'll need something warm."

"I remember being told they offer something called Kopi Luwak coffee. I'm not familiar, but the gentleman I spoke with made a big deal out of it."

My eyes widened. It was finally a name I recognized, but it wasn't for good reason.

"What is it?" Edward suddenly looked worried.

"I've heard of that before. It's supposed to be ... very tasty."

"Then why do you look like you're about to vomit?"

"It's made from beans that have been eaten and cast from the anus of a civet. In other words, it's Indonesian weasel-shit coffee."

Edward already tended to get a disgusted, wrinkled look on his face whenever food was the topic of discussion, but this evoked a new level of revulsion from him.

"I'm, um, certain they will have another option ... I hope."

"You better. You're the one that'll have to kiss me afterwards."


End file.
